Author Topic: Emotional Competence  (Read 3465 times)

Certain Hope

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Emotional Competence
« on: October 03, 2007, 06:36:26 PM »
This is cool... and so simple. I can do this and I bet there are many others here who can, too!!

http://www.eqtoday.com/02/cannon.php

Seven PPPSTs
(The Seven Profoundly Powerful, Profoundly Simple Techniques for Increasing Emotional Competence)
[/i]    by Kate Cannon

1. Take time every day to appreciate what’s right in the world and in your life.  (ahh, yes, counting blessings!)

Research scientists at the Institute of HeartMath have discovered that generating feelings of gratitude, on purpose, reduces the amount of damaging stress hormones in your body. And, adopting a habit of appreciation sets up a positive self-fulfilling prophecy - since you are in the practice of identifying things to appreciate, you are more likely to notice those things.

The HeartMath Solution, Doc Childre, Howard Martin


2. Increase your feeling word vocabulary.   (I want to do this... just make a list of possible feelings. Tried to start one and discovered how challenged I am in that regard.)

Most people have a very limited vocabulary for emotion, e.g. love, hate, fear, etc. Getting more accurate in naming and expressing your feelings helps you know yourself and connect better to others.

Emotional Literacy, Rob Bocchicino


3. Be your own best friend.    (working on this one now  :) Still need new glasses, but the rest is well in hand)

Think of the advice you give a dear friend in a difficult time - and take that advice yourself! Eat well, exercise, relax, play, avoid cigarettes and alcohol. These practices set up the conditions in your life that will make it easier to be emotionally competent.

Feeling Good, David Burns, M.D.


4. Listen with your heart.    (definitely need to practice more of this!!)

Creating an emotional connection by sincere listening has positive physical, mental, and emotional benefits for both the speaker and the listener. When you are completely attentive to what someone else is saying, your blood pressure drops.

The General Theory of Love, Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D., Richard Lannon, M.D.


5. Talk back to yourself.   (this comes more naturally now)

That negative voice in your head can be quite convincing – persuading you to judge others, be pessimistic, etc. pulling in all the destructive feelings that go along with those destructive thoughts. You can create a louder, more persuasive voice that helps you find an equally believable, more optimistic viewpoint. You’ll be more likely to cut others some slack, you’ll see more options, and you’ll feel better!

Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman, Ph.D.


6. Tune in to your body.  (this is really helping me to become more selective about what I do and with whom I associate)

Notice where and when you feel different feelings. Emotions are a source of information and paying attention to what you feel in your body is a good way to access that information. If you don’t know why you feel certain feelings, ask your body, e.g. “Why do I feel a pain in my neck?” “What’s this shoulder ache about?”

Raising Your Emotional Intelligence, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.


7. Smile more.    :D

Scientists all the way back to Charles Darwin have identified that different facial expressions have corresponding feelings associated with them. So, if you want to feel better, turn on a smile and wait for good feelings to come along!

What the Face Reveals, Paul Ekman, Ph.D. and Erika Rosenberg (editor).


Poppy Seed

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2007, 07:06:26 PM »
Well, I must be getting smarter then cause I have been doin' this already.  I also try to walk with good posture.  It really makes me feel better on days when I am "in" my stuff.

poppy

finding peace

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2007, 07:15:58 PM »
Hi Carolyn,

(Glad to hear that your app't went well - hope the worst is over?)

I love this list - it gives a step-by-step to "reprogramming" the mind in a positive direction.

I have been doing some of these and can't wait to try out some of the others (and Poppy, the posture is a great addition - when I walk taller I feel taller and stronger if that makes any sense).  I am at the stage where I fall back into old habits, but the good news is that this occurs less and less frequently.

Love to you,
Peace
- Life is a journey not a destination

Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2007, 08:09:22 PM »
Isn't it great, Pops? That's how I felt... like getting smarter, just to even be aware of some of these things.
It is still all so new to me, but I'm sure that alot of this is what I've absorbed just by reading all the positive helps/tips here on the board.
Noticing things that I'd never even considered before... aware... interested, even! To take good care... well, to me, it's a sign of a desire to live. I think that's why I never quit smoking before for myself, too. I'd quit while pregnant, but never cared enough about my own self to bother staying smoke-free. After feeling so stupid about that for so very long, it's most encouraging to me to say - Hey, maybe I'm smarter than I thought!  :o   I love the posture suggestion, too... shoulders back, head up... changes the whole outlook!

Hey Peace... thanks  :)  Yes, the worst is over... thank you so much! For me worst was my awful terror and shame at having not taken better care of myself. I've kept the outside in decent shape, but behind the scenes, alot of stuff was going haywire. Beginning to feel more integrated and whole just shone a spotlight onto all those areas and that was a bit demoralizing, to say the least  :?  Thank God I have a supportive husband and friends who have convinced me that it's not too late to get back on track. And you have been such a dear encourager to me, Peace... I just can't thank you enough. Not many folks have seen my need for that behind all the bravado I've often worn... but it sure makes the world of difference - just to have someone say - "are you alright? I hope so."

Hugs and love to you... and I hope you're both alright : )

Carolyn

lighter

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2007, 08:22:31 PM »
(((Hope)))

Nice post..... glad you're feeling better after the dentist fixe ya up: /

You OK?

Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2007, 09:18:32 PM »
I thank you (((((Missy Lighter))))))... yer a sweetie to me.

Well, the pain-free aspect of this whole deal has kinda fallen by the wayside, so now I'm thankin God for pain pills and hangin in there ; )

Sela

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2007, 11:42:36 PM »
What a great list!!

Copy, paste,  8).

Thanks Carolyn.  I need to study now.

I do some of the things and I know to do others but the habits need refining.

I love stuff that is simply put and practical like this.

It all helps!   Thanks again!

 :D Sela

lighter

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2007, 10:37:14 AM »
I thank you (((((Missy Lighter))))))... yer a sweetie to me.

Well, the pain-free aspect of this whole deal has kinda fallen by the wayside, so now I'm thankin God for pain pills and hangin in there ; )



Awwwww: (  So sorry...... I'm thinking that tooth, and rectum/colon pain, are the two I fear most :shock:

Not sure where that came from but.... there it is ((Hope)) 

What did the doc give you?


Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2007, 07:55:32 PM »
Thanks Lighter... it's better today, but I'm still feeling wiped out.
He gave me "Tramadol". I'd never heard of it, but it doesn't seem too strong... only 50 mg. Only took one today.

This afternoon, I finally opened the envelopes which have come from my parents over the past few weeks. I'd been piling them up, ever since I sent them my "sermon" (on the topic of being stuck in the wilderness) along with an introduction to myself.
My mother's Sept.9th note wishes me a Happy Grandparents Day. Cute, huh?

Then she writes:  "In receiving your most recent letter this week, it is good to know you are finding many answers, peace, comfort and understanding in your Bible reading. That is really good news! I will be re-reading it again soon and thinking of you."

And then on to the listing of her latest doc appts.
That was it... and no further mention of it again in the weekly notes which followed, which are only a few lines each...
so...  I guess that's that... unless I decide to write back and express surprise that she didn't have any more comment than that on all I wrote. Amazing. If one of my daughters sent that to me, I'd have plenty to say...
but she can't think of a thing.



Ami

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2007, 08:01:39 PM »
How did you feel ,inside, about your mother's response, Carolyn?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2007, 08:27:11 PM »
How did you feel ,inside, about your mother's response, Carolyn?

Ami,

At first I was dumbfounded, then furious, and now... well, it's really no different than it's ever been with her.
She simply can't be bothered.
I am sitting here telling myself that it's appropriate to feel hurt. Strange that I have to tell myself that because I'm so accustomed to her lack of concern... it's like - what else is new?
I told my husband that she'd only written this little bit in response and he said,
"What'd she say? Glad to hear you found yourself" ??
Yeah huh... I guess he's got her number.

I could send her and my Dad the essays on N and the little voices...
or I could just write and say, "don't bother going through your phony little ritual of writing anymore.. nobody is impressed."

P.S. on edit... thank you for asking, Ami ((((((())))))))

Love,
Carolyn


Iphi

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2007, 09:48:50 PM »
I'm so sorry CH.  What a bummer response and yet... boy is your husband great.  I'm so glad you are with him.   :lol:  She is unable to see and know you, but clearly you have found someone who knows how to see and know people.  Anyway, I suppose if you shook it in her face she would say "Why are you being mean to me?"


My H and I were just talking about this, this very evening.  About how going to our respective parents looking for some kind of resolution -- just doesn't work in our cases.  His sister gave it a try recently and got nowhere, same as you.  So I know how it is, and appreciate the futility and frustration of it all. 

I don't know that it is that they can't be bothered or that they cannot acknowledge, even to themselves - especially to themselves, that they could be vulnerable or allow things to be in your hands and them to be in a vulnerable position of asking you what you need.  Unthinkable! 

Hope your jaw is feeling better every minute.
Character, which has nothing to do with intellect or skill, can evolve only by increasing our capacity to love, and to become lovable. - Joan Grant

Ami

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2007, 10:04:13 PM »
This line of thinking--- about giving up expectations of the N parent is really helping me. I was looking at an old post from  Beth .It was talking about N's being arrested at age 6. It really hit me.
  Yesterday, when I saw that lady in the casket,it  made me ask if there is ANYTHING at all that I can do to "reconcile' with My M( and have a  satisfying relationship).
  It is so pitiful to see someone in a casket when you have so much unfinished business with your "primary " relationship in life.
  I just want to make it O.K so badly with my M. I can look at another poster's M who she has described in vivid detail.
  I can see that it is hopeless to ever ,ever get any thing other that pain with her mother. However, with mine,I just want to "finish" it. This is what is so sad to me--it is so unfinished.
 I know that someone will understand. I know that I am reflecting an immaturity ,but it is how I feel.
                                                                             Love    Ami
 
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2007, 10:17:00 PM »
Thank you both, Iphi and CB... it was a relatively quick burst of retro-horror this time.
Some of my feelings were inspired by the items my dad inserted into these envelopes... relics which belonged to his mother - photos and old postcards he'd sent her.
She died when I when my first daughter was an infant. My mother had "abandoned" me with a newborn and gone off to join dad overseas.
(Happy Grandparents Day, my foot). When Dad's Ma died, they didn't return... an aunt, and cousin and I managed the funeral... it would have cost them too much $, supposedly... but I know that Dad would have come back if it weren't for the miser.

I'll do as you suggest, CB... because I honestly don't know what it is I'm after. Some recognition... some identification... some sense of humanity in this woman... but it's just not there. I'll think through what I'd want to have happen if I write again, too.
As my husband has reminded me, that entire first mailing was just about me getting it out there. I'd held no expectations... consciously, at least  :?

It does blow my mind, tho... how she boils the whole thing down to my "Bible reading". Besides my letter, I'd typed up this teaching message which I am sure that anybody who's a Christian would get really excited about... I mean, at least they'd have some feedback!
It's kinda the same effect as if I'd prepared a 7 course dinner with standing ribs and baked Alaska, a string quartet, and tuxedo'd wait staff... and she sent a ty note saying it was almost as good as that Big Mac she had at McD's last week.
If she did not see herself in that message, then she really is blind and good as dead. That is what shocks shocked me.
But I won't hang onto the hurt... what I know in my heart is that if I'd written about the new fur coat my husband presented to me (LOL)
or the 6-month cruise we're taking around the world, she'd have had plenty to say. My simple interests are not her cup of tea... especially the spiritual ones.

Iphi... thanks for sayin that about my husband... I feel the same, even though he sometimes takes me aback by reducing my mulyi-faceted, ultra-complex tangles to such stark terms... lol. oy vey.
I still want to argue the "unable" when it comes to her... "unwilling" just seems to fit better, but I'll get over it. God knows.
What you say about them not acknowledging vulnerability... that's it, yes. I hadn't thought of it in precisely those terms... but yes, I get it.
She does hate to ask someone what they need...even if it's just something from the frig (heaven forbid that she'd forget to place some condiment on the table). I can see her expression now... utterly pained. Not sure I understand that completely.
I'd think that to be needy herself = vulnerability. That's what I've dealt so firmly with in myself, especially lately.
But why is she vulnerable when exposing herself to the needs of others?
Because she may have to admit that she's unable to meet them?
Dumb question, I think... but I'm missing something here.

Thanks again to you both... helps me to be able to talk this through... and yes, my jaw is much better tonight... : )

With love,
Carolyn




Certain Hope

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Re: Emotional Competence
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2007, 10:19:46 PM »
Ami,

I am feeling that need to "finish it", as well.

That's my urge to say, "Don't bother writing to me anymore!"

Yes, it feels immature, and yet there it is.
Do I want to have the last word?  lol
Not really, I just don't want to be continually reminded.... and I despise the phoniness of it all.