Hurting and Need to Vent

[sun blue]

I apologize in advance.  This is just a vent post.  I'm having a very rough day and I just needed to vent in a place where maybe somebody understands.

The situation seems ridiculous since I know logically that it won't change but still it causes me so much pain and many tears.

As I've indicated before, I come from a familiy with an N mother and sister, co-dependent dad and "healthy and happy" brother.  My brother, whom I care about very much, happens to have a birthday tomorrow.  I have sensed him distancing himself from me laterly which has been very hurtful.  He always distances himself from my parents because he feels they have made their choice.  (In a nutshell, they have turned their backs on my brother and I since my brother did not choose my Nsister as godmother of his child 11 years ago, at which time she disowned him and his family and refused to be in the same room with them.  Since then (and before) my parents have spent all their time with my Nsister).  Back to the birthday.  Well, obviously, I wanted to take my brother and his family out for his birthday to celebrate.  I had to push it because he assumed that my parents will be with my sister this weekend (as they are every weekend).  But i said that has nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I was feeling very bad the last couple of days.  Very depressed about everything in my life.  So I foolishly asked my dad if he and my mom were planning to be away this weekend again (with my Nsister).  He said "probably".  I started crying and basically couldn't stop.  He started screaming at me, "Why are you crying? Stop crying!!!"  Forget any comfort or support.  He knew exactly why I was crying.  It just hurts me so much that they treat my brother like they do, ignoring him.  They couldn't even spend one day a year with him on his birthday.  He calls them weekly to see how they are but they never initiate contact with him.  Oh, they're good about buying birthday and christmas presents or gifts for my niece, but never will they ask how he is doing or make a phone call.  They ignore me too and fail to take any interest in me.  It just hit me again and it really hurt so I broke down.  It is heartbreaking. 

My brother has accepted this.  Of course, he is hurt by this, but he has moved on because he has his own family.  But it seems like he is distancing himself from me too, a clean sweep of his biological family.  That hurts a lot because he is the only person I have in my life.

I know it won't change.  But I just wanted to scream at my dad, "How could you do this to your only son?"  "How can you be so heartless?"  But my co-dependent just doesn't cope. You can't have a real conversation with him.  Even when I cry, he just screams at me to stop.  He doesn't want to hear why I am crying.

I am just extremely depressed.  I'm going on another interview today but nothing ever seems to work out and I am feeling more and more alone.

Sorry for the vent.  I just have no one else to talk to.  Thanks.

[Poppy Seed]

Sorry Sun!  Dang it!  Family stuff hurts soooo bad!!!

Could you talk to your brother about his distancing from you?  Are you sure he is doing this to you?  Maybe he isn't aware of how his behavior is effecting you?  I hope it isn't what it appears.  Hate to see you lose the only support from your FOO.


Poppy

[Iphi]

I'm so sorry sun.  I do know how it feels to have family interactions like with your dad; it feels terrible, violently wrong and backward.  I hope you have a lovely day with your brother's family tomorrow and enjoy their good company.

[Ami]

Dear sun,
 Tthe really hard thing( and I haven't done it yet)is really,really giving up hope of change.I am right where you are ,right now.
  The funeral of our friend really propelled me to "do something" with my M before it is too late. But WHAT?
  I really hate to say this ,but I think that we have to ACCEPT that it is horrible,  awful and sooooooo unfair,but we can't do anything about it --DOUBLE BLEH.
(((((((((((((((((((((Sun))))))))))))))))))))))  I am so sorry.None of it is your fault. You happened to have been born to a 'train wreck" .Keep Writing, though. We need your voice,here.
                         Love  Ami                                       

[teartracks]

Hi sun,

I'm thinking along the same lines as Pops.  My family is structured similarly to yours.  My brother is seemingly the unscathed one.  There have been times when I've needed to request that he try to come into my reality for a little while so that I can explain how I feel.  He has stepped up to the plate every time.  I didn't know I needed  to ask him to do this until a therapist walked me through the concept and explained that my brother didn't intuit things the way I do.  So I would consider asking him (your brother) to do that.  Also, appeal to him to share how he would like the two of you to develop a solid, calm relationship.  Are you thinking he feels fearful or the fight or flight response?  If you can help release him from the fear he may be feeling, I think ya'll be OK.

tt

[gratitude28]

((Sun)))))))))))))))
I am sorry you have a rotten dad. I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you to soul search...

It just hurts me so much that they treat my brother like they do, ignoring him.  They couldn't even spend one day a year with him on his birthday.  He calls them weekly to see how they are but they never initiate contact with him.  Oh, they're good about buying birthday and christmas presents or gifts for my niece, but never will they ask how he is doing or make a phone call. 

Are you sure this doesn't also describe how you feel your family feels about YOu and that is why you are even more upset?

I have exactly the same situation as you. My mother's excuse for not calling me now to me and everyone else is that she "forgets we live in America." How pathetic is that?

Sun, your brother may be able to handle things as they are. My husband is that way with his difficult family. He doesn't experience the emotion I do and basically takes them as they are. I think men are more able to do that.

Sending you some extra love,
Beth

[finding peace]

Sun blue

I am so sorry you are hurting.  I know how devastating it is to have parents like these.

Wishing you some peace and serenity today. 

Much love to you,
Peace

[Bella_French]

Dear Sun blue,

Hugs to you; that really is so disappointing. Have you thought about distancing yourself from  your family for a little bit, and really focusing on getting your needs met elsewhere? Maybe that would ease the disappointment and yearning a little for you?

Anyway, I am sorry that you are hurting. It would eb so nice to be able to depend on family, wouldn't it? Don't worry, you are not alone.

X Bella

[sun blue]

Thank you all very much for responding.  It was really nice to get some support.  I know part of the reason I had such a hard time with it is because my parents treat me the same way they do my brother.  Basically to ignore us.  My brother has done a good job of distancing himself and accepting the situation.  But like I've said, he has his own family he can invest himself in.  It is much harder for me since I've never had any luck in finding other people.

I think it is also hard for me because my brother, being a male of course, isn't good with emotions and feelings.  He is all about fixing things and moving forward and being practical.  But he also hasn't been through the knds of negative experiences I've had.  Empathy and compassion definitely aren't his thing.  Maybe men have an easier time distancing themselves. 

I just couldn't believe it when Gratitude wrote that her mom claims she doesn't call because she "forgets she's in America."  Oh my God.  These Ns are just so damaging. 

I don't know if this is true of others but for me, I realize one reason I have so much trouble dealing with these situations is that I need them more than they need me.  THat is true of everyone whether it's my parents or brother or so-called friends (who really weren't).  The truth is none of them ever cared enough about me to really need the relationship.  It's one thing to distance yourself, like my brother does, when you're still left with people who love you (like his wife and child and friends).  But to distance yourself and be left with no one is much harder.

Oh well.  Just wanted to say thanks for listening to my vent.  You know some days I just get more down than normal.  Partly it's my clinical depression...Meds don't seem to work.  At those times, I think I just look for someone to listen.  So thanks for listening.....and responding!

[lighter]

I'm so sorry you expect better things from your family. 

I don't think you'll ever get them and that hope seems to keep you depressed and stuck.

So sorry this is happening to you (((Sun)))

I can understand your brother distancing the pain..... it's so complicated and I'm sure it's them, not you, that your brother is trying to escape.  He doesn't like living with pain either.... everyone want to avoid pain.

He's no different than the rest of us.

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((Sun)))))))))))

It is hard for us to accept good things from people because we are so used to receiving the short end of the stick. Do you have good friends? A boyfriend? What is your work situation? Can you do an inventory and see what you have and then make a light plan to see how you could get what you need?

Love, Beth

[sun blue]

Hi Gratitude and Lighter:

Thank you for responding.  You are so right when you say how hard it is to accept that you will not get what you hope for.  The pain is really so overwhelming sometimes.

I took my brother and his family out to dinner today for his birthday.  It only happened frankly because I pushed and pushed.  If I didn't I know I wouldn't have seen him or they wouldn't have included me in any birthday celebration.  I do understand why he needs to distance himself from my damaging parents.  He is so calm about it though.  Unbelievable to me (but not to him), they failed to even call him today to wish him a happy birthday.  They were of course with my N sister but not even a phone call to their only son?  See for me, that is unthinkable and something I just don't understand.  He has been nothing but good to them.  But my Nmom especially continues to punish him.

As for what Gratitude asked about, I don't have any friends or boyfriend or husband or children.  I am unemployed, another huge source of depression for me, even though I am trying very hard to find one and have been interviewing.  So, it is really hard for me to deal with all of this by myself.  And I feel incredibly alone most of the time.  But the distancing from my brother is especially hurtful.  The only saving grace was he seemed to really enjoy the dinner and presents and such.  I gave him a very sentimental card with a thoughtful message I wrote and let him know how special he is.  I don't know.  Maybe it did't matter to him.  I get the feeling he would be absolutely fine if he only saw me once a year.  And that really would hurt.

You know, when it comes to this specific situation, I can sort of understand that my Nmom is so damaged she is unable to be normal enough to wish my brother a happy birthday.  But what I really can't understand or excuse is my co-dependent dad's behavior.  He is not N, just co-dependent.  But couldn't he muster up a phone call?  He spoke to my brother on the phone yesterday before leaving for the weekend and never referred to his birthday at all.  All this would be no deal if ours had been a family where birthdays and such were never acknowledged.  But that's not the case.  My parents would never, never think of not spending the entire birthday with my Nsister....yet not even a phone call for my bro. It hurts me, probably more than it hurts my brother.  I know he feels the pain too....but he just seems so nonchalant about it now.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  IT means a lot.

[Ami]

(((((((((((((((((((Sun)))))))))))))))))))
 I am so sorry that you are hurting. You remind me of myself. You seem like you are in a "hole" as I was when I first came on the board.By 'hole",I mean a strongly held pattern of negative thinking about yourself.
  I am inching my way out---inch by inch.I think that there is hope "after N's". The worst part was overcoming my resistance to change. i had been "in the hole' for so long.I was comfortable even though it really hurt. I knew all the nooks and crannies. It was my hole-- all carved out the way that I expected.
  I can feel change lately. The inner child "modality" is what helps me the most b/c I am getting to my own core--not having someone impose outside ideas on me. That is just me. I have had way too much therapy. For me,therapy  was not a healing modality.
  The hardest part was simply forcing myself to shed some old ,comfortable patterns. Now,I feel like I took the hardest step-- the first step. I feel hope that I can inch my way up to.......dare I say               ..............................normal. Keep sharing, Sun. Force yourself to reach out to us . Don't listen to the messages inside your head that your posts are "too trivial".They are not. They are  an honest expression of your thinking and feeling.You will get more hope the more you share about exactly "where " you are right now.                    Love   Ami

[changing]

Hello Sun-

Oh I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. It was nice of you to show your brother the love and support of family.
Maybe you might get away from the routine and just be with the the activities and friends that you enjoy for a bit. Especially physical things that make you feel alive and ticking! I know this helps me when the blues strike and I am stuck with N people and the sad truth of their lack of humanity.

By the way , do you like the song "When Sunny Gets Blue" - I love it .

Hugs and I hope you feel better,

Changing

[lighter]

I'm so sorry this is so painful for you and your brother.

I wonder.... how does your golden child sister feel about all this?