I can't do this anymore . . .

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))

Remeber - Progress NOT Perfection. You HAVE moved forward. You are doing better. It's just hard during the slow times. My kids do the same thing - but I think the fact that you are a single mom makes it especially hard.

You are doing a great job- all around.

And the less you deal with your mom, the better, I fully agree.

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Dear Hero Tayana,

Yo' Mama is toxic and loves to undermine you.
She just loves to do that.
Oooo, it makes her feel good.

Yep. That's what she loves to do.

Given the opportunity...

Don't copy her and undermine yourself.
You're doing a heroic job. Heroic does not equal perfect.

love
Hops

[tayana]

Wow.... you're so capable I feel intimdated, lol.

Lighter . . . I don't know how I do it, really I don't.  My T says no one wants my schedule, and I don't think anyone does, including me.

Beth and Hops, you're right, of course.  My bad reaction may have been from seeing my mom twice this weekend.  Then she had the nerve to call last night to find out how my cake turned out, even though I hadn't even baked it yet.  I was shocked that she didn't call this morning before I left.

M has been delivered to camp.  He was very excited, and when I left, he was helping out in the dining hall.  I really am hoping he decides to spend the night after all.  He might not, but we'll see.  Of course, I got a check up call right when I got to work this morning to find out about my cake and camp, and then my mother complained about all of her health problems.  I got her off the phone with I'm at work, gotta go.

I'm totally exhausted though.  I've had 3 hours of sleep, spent two hours driving this morning, and at some point, I'm going to crash today.

[lighter]

You deserve some down time. 

Taking it's how you recharge your batteries to get back up and do it again.

I'm really distressed that you're still having so much contact with your Mum.

Good job getting off the phone with her today though. 

Remember the non whatever that thingy is where you just babble by her talking about nothing...

"Oh really mom?  My cake's green and 6 layers high.... I'm so happy with it, gotta go"

"is that so mom?  Well, I have this lovely Mexican bean salad for lunch.... must fly"

just keep moving and don't let her mesmerize you with her isanity on the phone.  Busy busy busy, chipper and kind but always getting off the phone.

Or better yet... just not picking it up when it's her. 

I like to be prepared for those kinds of calls and initiate them if at all possible when I have to have them.

M is enjoying camp.... that's a big relief.....::crossing fingers he stays the night::

[tayana]

I thought I would do a little update . . .

M really had a good time at camp yesterday.  He sort of wanted to stay the night tonight, but he didn't tell me last night, and I wasn't going to rush about at 6 in the morning to get his things together.  His exact words were that he had a blast, and it was awesome, even though he was really, really tired.  He said it was just fun, fun, fun all day long.  Great huh?

He called his grandma to tell her about and then she balled me out because he wanted to spend the night, and I had to listen to a long speech about child molestors, and how he shouldn't have a teenage camp counselor in his cabin because he'll probably do something to M in his sleep if he decided to spend the night.  (Even worse, she said something similar to M while on the phone with him.)  Then she gave me a whole lecture about how the public school shouldn't be opening themselves up for a lawsuit like this.

I distinctly remember going to camp twice when I was younger, although I think I only went for a couple of days, not a whole week.  No one said anything then.  Granted I was a little older, but still . . .

I couldn't get her off the phone, and she just kept calling me.  She called before I ever got home because I stopped to pick up some dinner.  I had a headache, and I was tired and didn't feel like cooking.

M is not staying the night tonight, although I'm picking him up much later so he can enjoy the evening activities.  He seems to being doing well with the other kids.  The teachers said he was doing a good job of "blending in" (m's words). 

Overall, it seems to be a very positive experience, and I haven't had much of a problem getting him up in the morning.

I'm working on countering my negative thoughts . . . see post here:

http://tayana.blogspot.com/2007/10/countering-negativity-pt-1.html

[Poppy Seed]

Sounds like you are doing everything right for your son.  You have weighed the options and listened to yours son and his needs.  Your grandmothers voice....does this make you feel like a bad parent?  Is there a way you could characterize her voice as "noise" and simply trust yourself rather than listen to an opinion that is irrational or unbalanced???   

You don't have to listen to the speech.  You don't have to hear her questioning of your decisions.  You know better than she does.  Mother's know!!  Don't answer the phone or change the subject.  I don't know.....suddenly need to go the bathroom.  Maybe you could talk to her only until she criticizes you and then you retract your listening.  Firmly.  Not without love and patience.  But without giving in.  Maybe over time she will learn not to open with this kind of criticism.  This has worked with my own mother.  She knows where the lines are now and she doesn't cross them.  We are doing a lot better and I enjoy her more.

Just ideas........

Love Poppy

[lighter]

The last paragraph of your entry reminded me of the times both my H's used to say.....

"All I ask is for you to do this ONE thing.... and then things would be OK."

It was always BS, always not good enough and sometimes I got in trouble for doing a much better job than asked to do!!!

Perfection isn't just a myth and overrated...... it's what people use to whip each other with.... and themselves.

I need to get myself another hobby....::sigh:: I think I'll choose being overtly kind to myself, and drop the thoughts about what I "should" be doing perfectly, as well.

Thanks for that very interesting post, tayana.

You are a gifted writer and have broken down your thoughts into bite sized, easily digested capsules.

I think the anxiety attacks and extreme frustration, that sometimes catch us....leave behind clarity and strength when they've gone.

M's enjoyment at camp... the socializing and feeling successful?

Whoo hoo!  You're a very good mama, tay: )

[Hopalong]

SO happy M loves camp, Tayana!
Hope he's spending the night soon and you're enjoying serene mornings.

Hope you don't mind me mentioning it again, but I do think you have
a challenge with telephone training.

The phone has you trained to believe you have no choice in answering.
Your mother has you trained to believe you have no choice in accepting whatever accusatory garbage she feels like pouring into your ears.

This is a boundary around your sacred space, your home. And your sacred serenity, your ears.
You are the only gatekeeper who can make this change.

Not her behavior. Your submissive response to her calls. I hope soon you'll be able to say (many times until it sticks): I have started to realize that listening to you say alarming and critical things about my parenting decisions is unhealthy for M and me. So I'm letting you know that I will be hanging up the phone. I will say something like, Sorry, this is not healthy for me, Goodbye for now. I will do that every time you criticize or undermine me, until we get into a new pattern. And I will not respond to non-emergency calls at work. It's disrespectful of my time and of my employer. Thanks for understanding.

(As if...). But whether she understood or not, she will have no choice when she is dealt with as though she were an accountable adult rather than a bullying child.

Just my hope for you, Tay...ignore the script if it makes no sense.

Love to you and M,
Hops

[Ami]

WOW  Tayana
  That is such great news. I bet he is doing better b/c living with you is giving him confidence.
   WAY to Go..  High Five.                                                         Love    Ami




PS   You have made so much progress form yours( and mine) first days on the board.. I agree with Hops. Your only real problem is not enough assertiveness with your M.