oops, caught myself this time...

[reallyME]

I had an interesting experience today with my husband.  I shared with him about my friend coming over to the house to ask my advice about whether she should accept a singing contract from a professional businessman who has her best interest in mind, or if she should go with the former 80's rockstar/worship director's idea about "makin it big" by goin on the road with him.

As I shared with my husband about my friend's dilemma, explaining that I told her "I'd follow my spirit and if I felt wrong about the dude promising the sun, moon and stars, I wouldn't do it" (since she had told me she felt weird about how he was sounding way too grandiose)...my husband said "just forget all of it"

Now, normally, this would have resulted in me yelling at him, telling him "how could you say that she should just throw away a lifetime career?  Why don't you GET this?  She is going to be a star someday!  YOU IDIOT!  YOU HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING IN LIFE!  YOU ARE SO DANG AVOIDANT THAT YOU THINK NOBODY SHOULD DO ANYTHING WITH THEIR LIVES THAT TAKES ANY SORT OF RISK!"

Believe me, NORMALLY I would have shouted all that at him (instead, it went through my mind)

Instead, I sat there, stunned, irritated, sat and sat and sat, lookin over at him, disociated, staring at the ground, unmoved by what just came out of his own mouth, and I finally, stood up, picked some grass, and went and fed the rabbit.

I am feeling proud of myself right now and I hope God will keep stopping me in my tracks long enough to consider, think, pick my battles and then RESPOND vs REACTING.  This is HARD for me, but I'm doin it!

~Laur

[gratitude28]

Laura,
That is GREAT news and you SHOULD be very proud of yourself. It is hard not to let things like this cause a reaction. For me - the hardest time not to react is when my mother invades my personal space - which she does solely to bother me. I fell for it once last time, but mainly managed to step back from it.
When you calm down about it all, are you going to ask him why he felt that was a proper response and indicate what response you would have liked to have received? I think sometimes men need a direct example of what we need to hear.
((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Laura ,
  The book 'healing your aloneness" really helped me to step back with my H. We are getting along very well now.
  When I saw that woman in the casket,I realized how much my H really meant to me. I realized how much I appreciated his good point and strengths. I feel very grateful to have him.
  I, also, have changed. He knows that I am not an 'elastic". He can only push me so far and then I don't care any more. We both are really trying to be 'friends" to each other. WE both are trying to say things kindly to each other and to apologize when we hurt the other.
  I had given up on him ,prior to the funeral. Seeing her in the casket changed my perspective on life..
    The book,also really helped me to 'get in my H's shoes" rather than to see things only from my perspective.
   It sounds like you took an important step. Laura..                           Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

ReallyMe - what a huge step!!  That is fantastic.  It took courage and determination and it was the right thing to do.  I am so proud of you.  Keep it up.  It will get easier the more you do it and that will make your life much, much better.  Give yourself a big pat on the back and a big hug.

[Bella_French]

Dear Laura,

Hugs to you. Are you still mad at him, or do you feel at peace with his differing opinion now? Or did you just stuff your feelings down? Something I can suggest and have found very helpful myself, , is rather than to  let it go, perhaps you could talk about what really happened there when you are both calm and willing to talk? . It sounds as though that there is some part of his value system that you really do not respect, or perhaps do not understand very well. If you could somehow  talk about it, do you think this could help?

X Bella

[reallyME]

Thank you for all the pats on the back and the helpful comments.  You all are so kind!

I do not feel angry with my h for what he said, but I do think he has no firm grasp on reality.  My friend has the chance-of-a-lifetime, to become a famous singer for the Lord, and she doesn't want to ruin it, by ending up with an ego-driven, former rock star, when she could start out smaller and work up to success.

H's attitude is always to AVOID any sort of conflict, rather than even go over "if I do this, this will happen."  His answer over the years, regarding any of the people I have counseled, or even my own problems, was "why do you even waste your time with these idiots?  Let em figure it all out on their own.  Stay away from them."

If I were to ever tell him anything that you all shared on this board (which I never would), his reply would be "why do you even GO THERE with those nuts?  You seem to attract these weird people all the time.  I wouldn't even bother and I'd tell them to go  get help!"

H has no grasp on even FACING reality, unless it involves some sort of manual labor.  It is so ingrained in him to DO manual things...fix a sink, build a deck onto a house, cook for customers, that when something of an emotional or psychological situation, happens across his path, he has NO CLUE how to advise a person.

If I were to take him aside and ask him why he responded about my friend Chrissy the way he did, his reply would go something like this:  "because, it's just stupid!  Her place is in the home, as a mother and a wife.  What's she even thinking about a career in singing for?  You don't need to be involved in any of it.  Just leave her alone.  It's HER problem.  Not yours.  She should just back out of the whole thing and stay away from all those idiots!"

Sound like someone YOU all want to try and reason with?

~Laura

[Overcomer]

Hey Laura-I know some people in the biz so if you PM me his name I could ask my friend if he is reputable.

[Bella_French]

Dear Laura,

Maybe he's scared she'll give you `ideas' and you'll run off and fulfill your dreams, lol.

But seriously, that sounds really hard to deal with Laura; I admit I'd have trouble dealing with that overall attitude too; not just the fear behind  an avoidant personality (which is difficult but resolvable IMO), but the defenses and denial.

I am sensing that this is a big and ongoing problem for you two; his attitude is something you don't respect, and so long you don't respect it and he won't admit to his flaws, I would expect  this will be an undercurrent in many future arguments.

What are you going to do? Are you seeing a therapist right now? DO you think it is possible to get to a place where he can admit to his fears, and you can accept your husbands faults?

Sorry to ask so many questions. Hugs to you.

X Bella

[reallyME]

Bella,

Actually I not only am going to start talking to my therapist again (since my medical coverage has been reactivated), but I'm also part of a support group for abused women, have my spiritual mom to talk to...so I'm all set.

As far as me being able to respect my husband's differing thoughts, or "reality" as I call it, since it's a dysfunctional way of looking at life, which means bills going unpaid, problems going ignored, I can tell you NO, I will never be able to respect that.  As far as him one day dealing with things...that's up God moving on his heart and convicting him that he cannot remain his own Lord the rest of his life.

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Dear Laura,

You did really, really well to call a halt to your reactions. Good job!

Now you know what?
In my opinion, Roland is jealous of the time you spend involved in other peoples' stuff.
Yup yup... that's what I think.
What do you think?

Carolyn

[Bella_French]

Dear Laura,
I am sorry if I am not up to speed with some of the details regarding your relationship, but I was wondering about your general direction with these issues? Do you intend to leave him, hope he'll change, or are you planning to find ways to cope? I guess it worries me a bit, thinking of you being in a marriage with someone you don't respect (and abuses you?). it doesn't sound like a formula for happiness, if you know what I mean?

X Bella

[Poppy Seed]

RM,

This post and your last one seem to ring a cord with me.  That control of reactionary tendancy.  And your ideas about running around to get everyones help and then telling too much!  Thanks for sharing what you are learning.  It is helping me to read.

I hope everything will be better with your H as a result.

Poppy