things are going well here on the whole, but I wanted to report back that I still suffer from these huge insecurity attacks, where I stop trusting people ( people who love me dearly ) and catastrophise and get into an emotional mess.
It's short-lived, a few hours here and there, but clearly there's stuff still coming out, I'm not quite whole.
I went too many years with no one to trust, no one consistent, and no one to put me first.
It still makes me weep to think of that young me, with no love and living in misery in what I make for mine the safest most supportive environment- so far from my own experience.
I feel better once a friend or my ex step in and remind me of all the good stuff and tell me to go easy on myself; but there's a part of me which is so messed up. It feels like that fragile part was smashed when I was a very young child, and there's no way to repair or rebuild it, so I built around it, but it's still there at the centre of me, all splintered and raw, and the strangest things reach in to it...
Having lots of happy times in between the anxiety attacks though.
H said tonight we're the best we've been in a decade- separate and together, and he's right.
He told me he's enjoying discovering himself, now the ads take the edge off the pain.
I'm enjoying him too, he's so much fun, and it's so totally new to have him be able to be himself: with faults, but always trying.
I love him dearly, the difference is now I set my own personal boundaries and love does not sway them;
interestingly, he's learning to do the same, and many things I always got my own way in ( often from the moral high ground! ) are changing too.
