Thank you all for weighing in. You make some very good points. Sometimes it's so hard to look at though.
Iphi, your point about not being able to force anyone to "drink the water" is a good one. I think my brother (yeah, he's that healthy, happy one) has been trying to get me to drink the water for awhile now because he has long ago done so. I also think it has to do with how tightly you hold onto that hope that things can change, that you'll finally get what you never got but needed. My brother was able to let go of it pretty well. If anyone would ask him about how he felt that his parents no longer took interest in him or his family, he's probably tell you, "It's really sad. I wish I could have more involvement with my parents, but it's their choice. There's nothing you can do about it so you just have to accept it." That is the big difference between he and I. I have a much, much harder time accepting it. For me, accepting it means being entirely alone.
As someone said in their post, some people prefer to say in dysfunctional situations rather than be alone. Right now, I have no choice as I've had no luck finding a job. I know when I do, I will have to move and then, like my brother, I will have little to no contact with my parents. In my own personal situation, it's not just about letting go of that hope of something I desperately wanted but can't have, but it's also the last straw for me. When you have a lot of loss in life, you try to hold onto anything that is left. Slowly for me, everyone and everything has fallen away----career, so-called "friends" who really weren't, boyfriends who weren't, siblings who are either distancing themselves or who are NPD themselves. And so I've been holding on tight to the one thing that was left....the hope that I still had family, that there was still someone left who would take an interest in me. Facing the reality and the truth that that family just doesn't exist for me is hard. It's like I've lost everything. Like Iphi said, the tragedy is enormous....
So my healing has been slowed I think. Also, the more you learn about this, the more painful it becomes. All shred of hope is discarded.
I'm also not sure yet the healing process depends on whether you're an introvert or extrovert. I don't have a feeling of entitlement....but for some reason, I do know my need for them is far greater than perhaps for most people. Maybe it is because, in part, I have no one else whereas my brother has his own loving family to invest in. The truth is that I think healing comes when the hope dies. It is not a peaceful death for hope tends to spring eternal, especially when you're dealing with family or a spouse whom you care about very much. It's hard to acknowledge that those feelings will never be reciprocated.
But I sure agree with Lighter when she says she prefers those Ns who are upfront about their dysfunction rather than the passive-aggressive variety. Unfortunately, the Ns in my life fit into the latter category. I think many of us are extremely accommodating and sacrificing. For me, I realize that comes from not just a place of helpfulness but from a place of need. When you don't need these people in your life as much, then you don't much care if you say or do something they don't like.
Being on the receiving end of an N is to always know rejection. Rejection is my middle name. After awhile you just one time want to be the person who takes priority and who is important. Just once I'd like to be the person sought instead of the person seeking. But alas, I guess that's part of the reality.
Thanks for sharing and responding. I believe I've got quite a ways to go yet.
