Hi all:
I think Iphi made some very good points. I think it is true that the need is greatest as a child. But I think it is only as an adult that you come face to face with the reality that the need was never met and will never be met. I also think as an adult you are mature enough to become self-aware and to face all the experiences in your childhood that were so painful.
I also think if you are the one in the family who is particularly affected by an N person, then it does affect how you relate to other people. I know in other posts, people have listed some characteristics of Ns. Those characteristics are so evident in the Ns in my family. Growing up in a family with two Ns and a co-dependent parent, there was never any humor or joy or happiness. There were never any hugs or affection. There were never any "I'm proud of you's or You're wonderful....You could do anything if you set your mind to it." Because there was never any "you". It is always about the Ns. So, as an adult, it is much more difficult to relate to other people. Speaking for myself, growing up in this kind of household in combination with a lifelong clinical depression has left me isolated and alone. While others find it natural to find friends or dates or spouses, I never have. I can't explain it but to say things just never worked out. I found my way to one brief (but ohhh too long) abusive, relationship with an N. He was N but also a psychopath and caused a lot of damage. I know that had I not been used to the abuse of an N family, I would never have found myself in that kind of situation.
I think for me the other important truth is that I am cognizant I am not the person I wished I could have been. The pain and sorrow and loss weigh heavily, despite all efforts to overcome it. It's hard to be a hopeful, happy, joyful person when weighed down by all these memories and painful truths. Yet, people don't really care about the "why". They just know they don't want to be around people like that. They want to be around happy, joyful, positive people. It just seems one painful consequence is heaped upon another.
The other thing is as I learn more about the NPD and how it manifests itself in the Ns in my family, I also become more aware of the extreme levels of my other parent's co-dependency. It deepensas time goes on and makes things even worse. I recently had an argument with my Nmom (she was being very unreasonable and "superior" and her actions are hindering my job search efforts). Well, after this argument (which is extremely, extremely rare in my family), my co-dependent dad screamed at me and jumped (literally) to my dad's defense. I just kind of looked at that situation and thoughts, "Wow, no one will ever stand up for me. I don't have a single ally." So, yes, letting go of that hope may be necessary but it is really, really sad.
I hope to soon get to the point that some of you are at. Acceptance. Understanding. That would be good.
