The first new principle I learned(on my own) in my new life without my M

[Ami]

I am really happy to share a new phase of my life. I am starting to learn how I want to live and what rules and principles I want to live by.
 I realize that I can't get all my "new rules' at once. They will come step by step as I venture outside of my comfortable room( Howard ?)
   Yesterday,I learned a new and wonderful   principle. It 'changed" two painful  situations in my life( almost instantly).
  My new principle is that you have to be WILLING to stand alone-- away from everyone and everything and FOR yourself.
  I had the difficult situation with Maria that I had described. I felt so sorry for her. Over the year,I have given her 5 thousand  dollars or more.(YIKES).I felt like every time she came to talk to me that she was"hinting" for me to give her money( no money for children.food, gas. electric bill, water bill, insurance etc). I really did not know what to do. I really just wanted to run away. However, this principle seemed to provide the answer. I called her up and laid all the cards on the table, as I am now. I was prepared for our  friendship to go forward or end. I was prepared to accept, EITHER.. That is the key to this principle working. You cannot be 'invested" in the outcome. You can JUST make the stance. If the outcome  concerns other people, you have NO  power over how it turns out.
  At first, she said (in so many words)," I don't want to be your friend if you can think THAT of me". I stood firm. I said ,"If you want to take it that way,I am willing to accept your decision. I simply cannot have this oppression on me anymore.. I have given enough to get you on your feet. Now, I feel like I am being taken advantage of b/c I am perceived as weak."
   I said  all   this truth b/c my principle was MORE important to me than THIS   friendship or ANY friendship. She backed down. She probably was "testing" me.I don't know. We,  as humans ,have many sides. Many  of then are not good. I guess that this is just  life--BLEH.
  Anyway, Maria and I are back to being friends  and probably stronger. . ,Maria is coming over today for coffee.
  The other miracle is my M. Once I formulated this principle, I realized that my M was stealing my integrity and my core ( all the time). I told her that if she could not take the onus on HER to build the trust that SHE had broken, then I DID not want a relationship with her. I told my F and my F supported me 100%., which was a wonderful gift.
 My F supported me with Maria, which was a wonderful gift,too.
 So, I  believe that I will learn new principles for life-- a little at a time. It would have been wonderful if I learned HOW to live when I was a child,but I didn't. I learned how to die and "die" I did until I almost ,literally died.
  That is the outcome of following an N---- some form of death. It could be depression, addictions, self loathing etc. However,it is a death.It will get you and drag you down as far as it can,with no pity         Ami

[axa]

Ami

I think you are right, there is something very substantial in this for me.  The thing about being invested in the outcome.  YES, this is how I am.  I think to get to the stage of where one is not invested in the outcome is when one is completely whole, don't know if I will ever get there.  I know it is the "I want" that has always caused me such pain but somehow there is part of me that wants to scream IT IS OK FOR ME TO WANT TOO.  Confused but know there is something in this for me.

axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  The next (related) principle that seems to be coming up  is that we MUST develop trust in ourselves(our perceptions and gut). We have to be willing to trust our gut EVEN if people or circumstances are telling us otherwise.
  I think that trusting our gut  is as important as the steering wheel on the car. We will crash without it.Our lives(most of us) HAVE  crashed already.
 This lesson is just beginning for me,but I think that it is the foundation of a good life.It is really hard to learn things which should have been  "obvious" . We were  delayed in our growth by abuse so we have to learn "children's" lessons at an older age.     BLEH                     Love    Ami

[changing]

Miss Ami-

You have armed yourself with knowledge and purpose through a great effort- now do what you know is right "in your gut" as you say- You needn't be angry or cowed as YOU are in control!!!! Perhaps by doing this, you may be modeling proper behavior for others who are lost in their N ways, or beset by other fallacious thinking patterns. You were given free will, now you can use it in a way that promotes health and happiness!!!

Love and Best Wishes,

Changing

[Ami]

Thank you Changing. I made up my mind with my M that there are certain conditions that she must abide by if she wants a relationship with me.
 I, almost died trying to twist so she could feel O.K. I paid enough of a price to her.It was not enough even when she was spilling my "life blood". Now,it will be based on parameters that I  can live with.
   She will either enter the circle of my life or stay outside. I am not willing to keep bleeding so I can keep a lie alive.
 BLEH                                                                                  Love   Ami

[sally]

Dear Ami,

My new principle is that you have to be WILLING to stand alone-- away from everyone and everything and FOR yourself.

That is the key to this principle working. You cannot be 'invested" in the outcome. You can JUST make the stance. If the outcome  concerns other people, you have NO  power over how it turns out.

The next (related) principle that seems to be coming up  is that we MUST develop trust in ourselves(our perceptions and gut). We have to be willing to trust our gut EVEN if people or circumstances are telling us otherwise.

I realized that my M was stealing my integrity and my core ( all the time). I told her that if she could not take the onus on HER to build the trust that SHE had broken, then I DID not want a relationship with her.

Congratulations on this new phase of your life!!!  Right before our eyes, you have made yourself into a new person.  You’ve re-birthed yourself.

We should have a party:  the new phase is like your “re-birth” day, so happy re-birth-day!!

Your statements show a self knowing, self aware, confident Ami who can stand strong on her own.  You are now the antithesis of co-dependent. 

I think the fact that you gave $ to Maria shows that you have a good, caring, generous heart.  You have given so much to me, so I know you are a loving person.

I said  all   this truth b/c my principle was MORE important to me than THIS   friendship or ANY friendship. She backed down. She probably was "testing" me.I don't know. We,  as humans ,have many sides. Many  of then are not good. I guess that this is just  life--BLEH.

Ami, you’re right:  it’s a life lesson on human nature and sometimes, we see the negative side in people we like and love.

With Maria, I see that you have let go of the outcome and chose to remain true to yourself instead of merely holding onto a relationship:  So, if you must make a choice, you will choose your own integrity.  Without our integrity, we are lost, rudderless ships.

It’s so wonderful that your F supported you with both your M and Maria.

Love,
sally


Hi Axa,

I think to get to the stage of where one is not invested in the outcome is when one is completely whole, don't know if I will ever get there.

Axa:  Please don’t give up on getting there.  Letting go of the outcome sets us free because we realize that we cannot control other people and then we don’t have to work so hard to control others or events.  We don’t have to feel responsible for everyone else.  We only have to be responsible for ourselves.  If we feel we are responsible for only our own actions, we have shed the burden of feeling responsible for the actions of others.

Love,
sally

[axa]

THanks Sally working hard at letting go xxxxxxxxx