really good book recommendation: You Can't Say That To Me!"

[reallyME]

I am reading this book currently and I just wanted to share.  The premise of it is, we often react to people based on what we hear, perceive as the meaning of what they are saying, and from our own viewpoint.

A man could come home for dinner, yell "This GLOP AGAIN!  WHy are you serving me this?  You KNOW I don't like this mush for dinner!"

The woman hears:  "You imbicile!  You lazy lout!  Why are you not cooking what I LIKE to eat."

First, the man could rephrase this by saying:  "I know you wouldn't have served me this without a really good reason.  Can we talk about it?"

The woman could respond to his comment with "I don't want to bore you with the details of my day, but I had intended to cook a better looking meal and i just got pressed for time today.  I wish I could have made the other as well."

The book tells about how we assume things to be the case with the other person, based on what we're thinking of their motive, character, etc. 

I am learning a LOT from this book!

Here. is more:

"In a person whose basic response to any situation is hostility, suspicion and a desire for control, stress hormones constantly surge through the body because everything is perceived as a threat."

"If I know somebody well, in ten minutes...I could perhaps say to them things so cruel, so destructive, that they would never forget them for the rest of their life.  But could I, in ten minutes say things so beautiful, so creative, that they would never forget them?"


After pondering these two quotes, I feel very glad that I responded to the people of my past, when they came on here to post, the way I did.  I could have sat there saying "yeah, but YOU...don't sit there and lie about it, you did ________, you just want people to take your side but you KNOW you are an __________________..."

I could have retaliated on them all, yet, in my heart I really do love them still.  Love doesn't fight back in a cruel, cutting way.  It doesn't say things to people that are destructive and cruel, that will cut them down or make them see themselves as rotten and hopeless.  After all, these people in my life, were made to feel that way by their own families, friends, others...isn't it my job to show them that they DO have value?  That they ARE worth loving?  That they can find HOPE?

Just something I was pondering

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Great book, RM. Thanks for sharing this.
(Though my first response is, you don't want glop? Cook, please.)

And...

these people in my life, were made to feel that way by their own families, friends, others...isn't it my job to show them that they DO have value?  That they ARE worth loving?  That they can find HOPE?

IMO, no, it's not your job, because in the miraculous diversity of opportunity in this life, those people will have multiple opportunities to learn these lessons from other people. Not from you. It's not your job because your job is to attend to your own emotional health, and NC with those past folks is the best way you can care for the precious gift of your life.

love
Hops

[reallyME]

Hops, I'm a minister, so yes it is my job to be His hands reaching, His heart beating, His words teaching.  What is NOT my job, however, is to be peoples' scapegoat.

My soon hope-to-be job, will be as a medical assistant if everything works well.  I'm going on Wed to find out about registering for training for Medical Assisting.  I'm excited but I pray my husband will cooperate on getting all the tax papers dealt with.  On sunday after church, he and i are going to be meeting with a guy to discuss budgeting and finances.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Claro, RM.

And this sounds GREAT:

registering for training for Medical Assisting

Pulling for you,
Hops

[SilverLining]

I am reading this book currently and I just wanted to share.  The premise of it is, we often react to people based on what we hear, perceive as the meaning of what they are saying, and from our own viewpoint.

Hi  RM.  Who is the author?  I'm having trouble finding in my local library. 
This topic is definitely of interest.  In dealing with my borderline autistic father, I've come to realize many of his communications probably felt more negative than he intended.  But his nearly complete lack of social sensitivity makes him oblivious to the emotional impact of what he says.  The two things I can control directly are my interpretations and my exposure level.   

[reallyME]

TJ, I have been wondering again about my husband's aspberger possibilities as well.  He is very oblivious to how people really see him in public.  He is convinced that he fits in with society just fine, that they couldn't function if not for him, and he has very minimal understanding of the connection with meeting my needs, vs me wanting to be intimate with him.  Clueless.

The book is YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME!"  by Suzette Haden Elgin, PHD