Being Social Again

[axa]

Poppy,

I am so impressed at your courage.  The bravest thing to do, imo, is to know ones need to care for themselves and act on it.  This is what you are doing.  I know that I am inclined to run from one thing to another in the hope of avoiding the deep, deep wounds and in some ways I am still scared of facing them.  Knowing the difference between self care and hiding seems so huge to me.  After XN I hid, did a bit of self care, but mostly, I see now it was hiding.  It is so difficult to learn these lessons in adulthood but I am grateful to at least be learning them now

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  I got so much healing form everyone on the board about Maria. I am not going to hide. I am going to make myself go forward. Next weekend,my H and I are going to parents weekend at my S's school.
   What is really "killing" me are these lies about my "worth". If I had not invested this time and heart with Maria,I would not have learned these lessons.i would not have gotten so "shook up". However,I needed to get ""shook up"
  I want to hide ,but I am going to go out and try to trust myself along the way.I can always come back to hide when I need it.I know that you, on the board, will help me find my way and my voice.I can come back to people who know how hard it is to overcome N abuse.                 Love   Ami

[axa]

AMi,

I do think that there are big lessons in your experience with Maria.  My concern for you is how easily you open your heart and give yourself to the other, I have always been like this and it caused me a lot of pain and grief.  I wonder does this resonate with you.  I have decided that my life is MY LIFE.  I need to be charge of it.  All my life I have been like a paper boat on the ocean being swept along by others demands, needs, wants, desires.  I realised that staying in the ocean was going to mean that this pattern was not going to change.  The big questions for me were Why do I allow others determine my happiness or in truth my unhappiness.  I have only got a real sense of the meaning that I am in charge of my life recently.  The changes I have made were so big for me and I do find that I am unhappy with the exception of my brief fling in the ocean with XN and D.  Anyway, guess I am saying that there is lots of room on the beach for all of us.

Hugs,

axa