Being Social Again

[Poppy Seed]

Things, I think are looking up for little poppyseed.  You know what?  I feel better.  I really do!!!  I don't feel such a need to think about my pain.  I feel like some of it has somehow let go of me.  I have been corresponding with visits and email with my T and things I have been struggling with all year seem to be fading.  I am not sure that I can see it clearly anymore.  That feels really good.  I feel like I am finally able to understand HOW to take care of myself and finally given myself permission to do what I know I need to.  That feels like a huge hurdle.  And I feel the chomping at the bit.  I so want to run and run and run!!

I am trying to reach out to others.  Yesterday, an old college friend (brother of an old roommate of mine)  moved into our neighborhood with his new wife and her 3 kids.  We ran into each other at church and then they walked up to our house for an unexpected visit last night.  Neighbors coming by to chew the fat?  Just for the heck of it?  That never happens!!  It was lovely.  Lots of laughter as we relived old memories. And they invited us to their housewarming on Sat.   I felt so grateful when I went to bed with a big secret smile inside. A social thing that went well!!  Finally!   I was a little nervous.  But I don't think anyone knew it.  I tried to let my hair down.   And I think I did ok.

I used to feel so afraid of the rejection.  So much so that I took myself out of the game for a while just to heal.  Now, I feel the social bug.  I feel that old habit creeping around but I am fighting it with new stuff.  I am ready for the rejection cause I know now that I can handle it.  But more than that I feel like I am ready to start participating......just getting in there and playing.  Like I tell my son about his soccer team.  If you get knocked down, get back up!!  Jump in there and give it your best.  I  love that game by the way.  It is really a study of endurance and keeping your eye on what is important.

I am trying knew things and committing myself to some church service activities.  It feels good.  Yesterday, I felt old parts of myself.....little ones....click back into place. Kinda hard to explain but Big deep breath of yummy!!

I have even felt the need to exercise.  Wow!  Now I know I must be feeling better.  I downloaded some meditation/beginning yoga stuff and I am thinking about joining a hip hop exercise class.  Hip hop never interested me, but the girls at the place say that it is really fun.  So, while my 3 yr old is at preschool, I am gonna try it.

I might even try this coed volleyball team I just heard about yesterday.  Scared to death I will dislocated my shoulders ( i have a connective tissue disorder)  but if I hold off on the over the head moves, maybe I can get by with bumping and underhand serving.  SOOO miss volleyball from my college years.

Anyway,  Just wanted to say I FEEL BETTER!  And spend a little minute in celebration about that.  (tossing confetti, and doing a happy dance)

Poppyseed

[axa]

Poppy

I am so glad to read this post.  You sound wonderful and i am so proud of you and all the work you have done

WELL DONE GIRL

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  I am not saying that you are doing this but this post reminded me of one of the lessons that I learned with Maria .
  I cannot need anything from a friend other than "sharing  hearts". I needed to be "defined' by  friend  b/c I was so amorphous inside. I needed to "feel" as if I was social( when I really didn't  even want to be) .I needed to see myself in someone else's eyes.
   I realized that in my next social  situations,,I need to start combating codependency"issues" . When I was younger,I remember how simple friends  were.
 I guess that I knew who I was enough that I didn't need anyone to define me. Once I did ,relationships got so complicated ( and no fun).                                                      Ami
 

[Bella_French]

Dear Poppyseed, Thank you so much for posting this thread today; its exactly whats been on my mind this week.

I'm as `out of the game' as anyone can be, but on a whim I contacted an old uni friend via email this week, and it was received so well!  I totally flipped when he asked to catch up,  and gave me his phone number (not in a sleazy way- we were sincerely friends and nothing more).

I struggled for days trying to work out how to respond, and I think I finally realized that I am still not ready to deal with people and possible rejection, which was very frustrating, but maybe I am getting closer? 

Thank you for giving me some inspiration, Poppyseed. I am so glad that this rekindled friendship turned out so well for you and that you had a good time!

PS. How long did you feel the need to hide? Was it only for this year, or longer?

X Bella

[Poppy Seed]

Dear Ami,
  I appreciate that "add" to the conversation.  I do fall into that trap... of needing to see myself in someone else's eyes.  I don't know if I will ever be over that one.  I feel that we do need social contact and sometimes I can't tell the difference between true healthy need and codep. need.  What I am practicing is not needing anyone else to take care of me in relationships.  That is helping me to keep centered when my temptations come a callin'! 

I also feel like I have battled the "needing to be social"  when I really needed to lay low.  I had to learn not to feel shame for taking care of myself in this way.  I needed a break.  So, I gave myself permission.  Not all at once.  It came a little at a time.  I didn't go to church some days...and I really had to get over the guilt for that one.  I only attended social functions when I felt strong and free desire.  And I have learned to give myself what I need, even if it doesn't make sense to others.

Bella,

I struggled for days trying to work out how to respond, and I think I finally realized that I am still not ready to deal with people and possible rejection, which was very frustrating, but maybe I am getting closer? 

Yes!  This has been me.....and for all I know it may be me again tomorrow.  It is frustrating when you want to run, but your leg is still broken.   My T really helped me to see that it is ok to hold off on doing things.  No shame in this.  Pitch the "shoulds" on this one.  Which I have found very difficult because of my culture and the people in my life that think that pulling back socially is the weak thing to do.

For me, it wasn't really a choice.  I was being strong trying to take it like a man.  Taking a hit.....falling.....getting up with courage for the next hit......falling......getting up again.  It felt like a stoning.  For most of it, I could be strong.....and then the final stone when I couldn't get up anymore.  My spirit was so wounded.  I literally lost my ability to function and I needed to go to the hospital so to speak and convalesce until I was truly ready.  Now it feels like I am more ready.  But I am not rushing out like gangbusters.  I have rules about how I do it.  I don't do harmful people.  I don't do people or situations that intimidate me.  I listen to my instincts and I trust them now.  I am fairly sure beforehand if it is a social engagement I can handle.  I am starting small.....like smiling at the check out lady.  I have had a couple of nice conversations with door to door salesman.  It probably sounds pathetic....but it is safe for me.  And I get to smile and feel strength in my friendliness.  I think the key is knowing what I can and can't do.  And then giving myself shame-free permission to attend to those facts with gentle kind care.  I have a long way to go before I am the social butterfly of yesteryear.  But it is coming....

BTW,  my T says to take how ever long I need, be it 6 mos or even years.  She also said to listen to my spirit because I will know the difference between hiding and taking proper care.  (I am learning that this is true.  Sometimes the best thing is staying in. And sometimes the hiding just keeps me stuck and prevents me from growth.  I am learning to listen and trust self.)   She said that with my PTSD, I need 2 to 5 years for my nervous system to restore itself.  For me, I have been resting for 10 mos.  coming out of the den here and there whenever I feel like I can.  My goal is to add social with people that help me maintain safety while I learn better defenses for the inevitable hits.  Sometimes I don't know if I am overcoming fear or just deep conditioning.

Pops

[tayana]

Poppy,

I'm so happy for you.  I'm glad you're able to take these steps.  I'm not there yet, so I'm a little envious.   

Anytime I think about doing something social, I just hear my nmom's voice accusing me of spending too much time away, dumping my son on her, and not caring about anyone but myself.  I feel guilty for even thinking about it.  And actually, the thought of meeting someone new scares me a lot.  I want to, and yet I don't.

M wants to have a friend over one evening this week, and I just cringe at the thought.  It's so wrong, because it shouldn't be any big deal, but I can't help it. 

There are things I'd like to do and try, but I'm scared to do them.  I think about them, but I can't quite bring myself to do it.

[Poppy Seed]

tayana,

Are you reluctant for the child vistor or the enevitable conversation with parents?  A few months ago, even children scared me.  Now, I find comfort in them.  I feel more comfortable around them than adults!  The purity of their spirits is refreshing.  But I have also avoided hosting playdates for my kids because I knew that I didn't have much to give.  Now, I allow them but I don't put pressure on myself to entertain them.  I buy the pizza and dish the icecream and then camp in my bedroom until the "stay late is over."

Bella,

You know, your last post surprised me.  You seem like the kind that could  make friends easily.  You seem so pleasant and easy.  I never would have guessed!!  At least I am not alone.  We need to do what we can do.  And let the rest go.....    Forgive me for not remembering which poster carries the quote,  "That'll do pig, that'll do."  I tell that to myself often!!

Love, Poppy


 

[tayana]

Poppy,

I'm really just reluctant over the whole idea.  It makes me anxious and nervous.  M was never allowed to have friends over before, and I don't know what to do now.  It's like, is he staying for supper?  Am I supposed to feed him?  Am I supposed to entertain them?  I don't know what to do, because I never got to have friends over, no giggly girls in my bedroom, not even when I was younger.  So I'm just nervous about what to do because I have no idea.

And at the moment, I don't really care what the nmom thinks.  She's going to go ballistic over the rat.  She'll probably forget all about having a friend over.

[Poppy Seed]

Tayana,

Ok.  I understand.  Holy Smokes!  The more I read about your mother.....the more I feel defensive for you!!  Not allowing you friends over?? Outrageously unreasonable!!

My experience with kids is that they usually create their own fun and they use me for getting food!    I suppose you could let the visitor come over and see what works best for you.   Have a few playdates and just see what comes naturally.  You are so capable!  I am amazed at your talents!  Who cares what you do.  There are no real rules, you know?   More than not, my kids kinda want their privacy when friends come a calling!!  They don't want mom poking around.  Sometimes I go to the trouble of elaborate plans ... and other times, I just let them make up their own fun.  But I do keep an activity or two hidden somewhere in the case of bordom or force them to use their imagination!!! (which is sometimes a foreign concept in this day and age.)

Oh dang!  Gotta go....late for piano lessons!!

Pops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
 I never minded having kids over. Kids don't notice messes.I would let them play and just listen to make sure that they were O.K..
  It is great for M that  he has friends to invite over. It seems like he is getting better and better( camp etc)
  Having kids over will get easy after you do it a few times. Then,you can send M to another   house and you can have some time alone.
  We had a neighborhood and the kids would take turns at the different houses.
   Kids don't judge. They just want to be a  feeling of warmth and caring(and  sometimes a little food). That is it for them(IMO). Wouldn't it be nice if everyone was like dogs and kids?    Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear Poppyseed,

I can't even put into words how wonderful it was reading the way you articulated this aspect of  your healing process, and thank you for elaborating !. I have no idea of what `time frame' type of expectations to have sometimes, so it was interesting to hear that 2-5 years can be normal for PTSD.

I think the main problem with me, Pops, is I have always relied too much on defense after defense (followed by hiding, which was also kind of a defense), rather than taking any time out to properly heal my deeper wounds. I appreciate that you differentiated between `self care' and `hiding' too- that really does resonate with me.

I once used to `socially observe'  this black guy who used to go to a little club that my friends and I frequented, back when i was 21. He used to approach girl after girl, all night, until he could find someone to dance with him (or maybe something else, lol). I'd watch this guy in total awe, getting rejected by maybe a dozen girls, or even more, every Saturday night.

 I know- it was all a bit sleazy and not a great example of human character- but anyway, i want to be like that guy! Impervious to rejection, and focused on my goals no matter who rejects me or how many times, lol.

I am still not there, and its good to know that I'm not a weirdo for taking time out:) Thanks so much Pops

love Bella

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  I want to take time out after Maria ,too.It is so hard to have a relationship when you are so "unhealed".
  Then,I think HOW much I leaned by "screwing up".
  I guess my answer is to take a little break and then force myself to go out and have relationships. I think  that we have to fail our way to success. What do you think? I am totally open to being COMPLETELY wrong about  what to do about  relationships.                     Love,    Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear Ami,

Yes, I think you're absolutely right with experience being the best lesson. In my case, I think I have had enough of a pattern going now, that there are some lessons I kind of don't need to repeat, if that makes sense?. it would be like having a friendship with the same dynamic you experienced with Maria (in the beginning), but twice or three times over with different people. Thats kind of where I am coming from.

X Bella

 

[Ami]

Bella,
  I hear you --Sista-- and  that is why I ended up in my room( Howard Hughes).

[Bella_French]

Giggle:) I love your sense of humor Ami

X Bella