Trusting Yourself--or how not to be abused again

[Ami]

I know that I have found the path out of my emotional"illness".Now, I know how I got "emotionally ill". I can see these two roads clearly. . I see the road IN to emotional illness.My core was almost totally destroyed by my M's "gaslighting".The question,"WHOOO do you think YOUOOO are?"  led me  to shut down  my connection to my core. The answer was'" I am no one. I can not rely on myself. I am nothing. I bow to you.Please show me how to think, feel and react and most importantly perceive"                                                                                                                                              I gave over my eyes, ears, instincts and intelligence  to a monster who was simply bigger than I was and her helper(My F) who would not stand up and tell the truth . The monster( my M )lived and fed off  my innocence, sweetness, inner wisdom and beauty.
.I was a 'tasty morsel". I became---- no one.I was a big ''dressed up person" with a core that wind could go through. My core was almost gone.I was "mentally ill' to the degree that my core was lost. I will be mentally healthy to the degree that I can restore it. This is one of the biggest tragedies that can happen to a person. They "throw away" their essential self when it is so BEAUTIFUL.. I see the road out.I need to exercise that muscle(trust in myself) until it reaches the point of strength  like a body builders muscle. I see it having a quiet strength-.I see it having a quiet  grace and dignity.(like my grandmother).I want  to "feel" it there like legs under my body.I have to honor it, feed it,love it and be loyal to it. Then I walk using it and I walk out of abuse in to peace.Many people don't want us to be strong. We can be abused much  easier when we are weak(bullied). Many people have a vested interest in keeping us weak. We will get "flak" for our new stance. I am quite sure of that.However,if we give in to the 'flak" we will stay abused.
    It is a big step to see the way out.It is a 'map" for the journey in to wholeness. It is an opening in the window of "emotional illness" and offers a promise of the  way out.
 My situation with Maria was a symbol of how to use your trust in yourself to lead you out of "abuse".When I came down to the "rock bottom "level, I had simple choices. Was I going to trust my gut or my  needs( many of which are codependent)?  ?Was I going to be willing to stand alone or was I going to be a dog who rolls over for someone else. I eventually  made the right choices. I am thankful that the stakes were not bigger( my whole bank account--- YIKES). Now,I need to take these two qualities  and put  them in my "bag of  tools "for life.
 I will always need them.
  I am willing to go out and try to use my new lessons and be open to more lessons  b/c there are MANY more  and I am worth it and you are,also                                Love    Ami

[Poppy Seed]

I am learning to trust that I won't allow myself to get into situations or allow situations to persist into abuse. 

I know that I can't control others or make them be perfectly UN- harmful for me.

I can learn to trust the good in people and good in life.

I can handle what comes..... people, events, and tempatations.

I can learn and grow and flourish and be happy! even in the midst of trial.


These things help me know that I will not be abused so deeply inside of my soul again.  My boundaries and self care and relationship with God ALL keep me safe.

Poppy

[Ami]

You are so right, Amber. When I am connected to my feelings there is a "balm". This is how we are SUPPOSED to be. THAT  it why it feels so peaceful and right. It is "coming home". What a wonderful thought--- coming home---huh?                                Love   Ami

[Ami]

I hope that Lupita won't mind my mentioning her in my thread. If you do, tell me,Lupita, and I will take it out--right away. When I respond to Lupita's pitiful situation,what I am really saying is that she did not realize HOW  bad human nature really is or she would have been able to stop the 'train" that built up more and more speed and NOW is running her over.Just one specific instance  in  the matter. If she had been strong at the FIRST Anti-- Hispanic comment, the whole thing COULD  have died there. I don't know. However, not trusting yourself and  not standing up or yourself WILL  propel what might have been a fender bender in to a full blown collision (with injuries--)- BLEH This is MY opinion, as I see it.I am not asking for dissenting voices--only Lupita if she wants me to erase it                         Ami

PS I told you about the boy in my son's high school who had such little trust in himself that he would let other kids beat him up and not do a thing. He would just sit there and get pummeled. There is a horrible, freakin" moral to the story.(IMO)

[tayana]

Ami . . .

It is a big step to see the way out.It is a 'map" for the journey in to wholeness. It is an opening in the window of "emotional illness" and offers a promise of the  way out.

I don't know that we have is really emotional illness.  I think it's more like emotional damage, sort of like a soldier being wounded in battle.  I was reading last night where people who have been abused are really very strong, not weak at all, because it takes great emotional and mental strength to survive abuse.  So, I think it's more like we have a gaping wound that just starting to heal, and we all heal at our own pace.  Some of us heal faster than others.

I do understand what you mean about trusting yourself, and I think the first step to doing that is learning to love ourselves.  If we don't love ourselves, and at least believe we are competent individuals, how can we ever trust any decision we make?  I think that's the first step, really looking at our feelings about ourselves and saying, all these things I've been told, they aren't really true.  I am a competent, wonderful person, and I can make my own decisions.  I don't need someone to make them for me.  I don't need approval for them.  I can accept my decision and feel good about it.

I hope that makes sense.

[Ami]

What is really hard is  when people get angry at you. For example,if I have selfishness button, s/one can push it and I doubt myself. It  is the same for any button. The answer would be to take away the buttons.( that is what we are trying to do here)She says that she never wanted money from me--only friendship. However,how can you keep telling money problems to a person and then the person just "sits there"? Then I got an e mail from a very troubled person that I tried so hard to help that is accusing me of 'crazy" things..
   I got a book on power that Bella recommended. It says that you should surround yourself with people who are not "troubled". I guess I have to get not troubled first--BLEH..
  Well,at least ,on the board we have a format where we can share. We know that other people had N abuse and we are not alone. We have a few laughs along the way and we keep marching forward to wholeness. OY                                                                Ami

[Iphi]

I find it helps to watch not what people say, and not what we or others say about themselves, but just separately watch what actually happens.  What actually happened is that Maria accepted the money.  Maybe she gave into temptation, maybe she feels entitled, maybe she feels like she has a use for it and you will never miss it - I don't know.  But she could always have refused it if she didn't want it.  I'm not saying - oh how bad! It's human, but it clears things up to just watch what happens and think that through separately from what people say about it.  It is especially useful for me to watch what I myself actually do so that I can tell when I am 'telling myself a story'  or being unfair or falling into dysfunctional relating etc.

The posts on codependency have been really so helpful to me to read.  I had a series of people I hung around and my interaction style was so so so sooooooo codependent.  It's seeing how screwed up I was relating now that made me face where it came from in my FOO.  Anyway, I should have been watching what happened with the FOO and the 'friends' and with me and what I was doing too.  I was always able to stand up for myself with people like classmates or stuff like that, but family and friends is another story entirely.  I think that in what areas of life it is hard to stand up for yourself says something about in what areas of life you have been wounded - like a symptom of the injury.

When I began to come out of it (imo I am still coming out of it, but when I just started), I dropped several people and several others dropped me - boom! It gave me a lot of misgivings and obsessing at 3 a.m. because it felt bad, but eventually it was for the best and eventually I came to see it in a different light.