Need the wisdom of my friends

[Poppy Seed]

Axa,

What could I add to this wonderful conversation?  Lots of good comments.  I see such  strength in you, Axa.  You are on to some big growth with this road you are on. 

And, Love that last quote.  I think that I finally got the place where I won't go back.  That feels good.  Thanks for adding it.

Poppy

[Bella_French]

Maybe the anger I have felt towards her has eased in some way from having the contact with her. DUNNO but do know that this is me standing at the cross road - the choices are back down that old destructive road or moving along to the road less travelled.  The latter is without a doubt the more attractive option.  But it is hard, shame I can't learn the lesson once but have to go back to learn it over and over again.  As Anthony de Mello says "We keep going back to suffer until we suffer enough and then we stop going back" - what a wise man he was.

XXXXXXXXXX

Axa

Dear Axa,

That is such a good quote!

Maybe pain really  is the only possible mechanism by which we can emotionally rewire ourselves? i know that whenever I am close to an N, the really old triggers are set off, like the electricity and the compassion.  But now I have a `pain' trigger which is something I never had before. Its the best thing that ever happened to me (which I know sounds kind of lame). But it totally changed my inner `people picker' and I needed that skill.

X bella

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

I'm thinking that the anger dissipates when we no longer feel so helpless. Although you know that the situation is beyond your scope of control, just being able to speak your mind on the subject really does change your status, doesn't it?
For me, I think that's the key....
I tend to do an auto-shift into victim mode when I've not felt able to speak up about something that's really grating at me,
but if I can just express it - even briefly - there is such a release of tension and frustration.

When I posted before, I neglected to say how awesome I think it was that you did call the girl and tell her how you felt.
I want to do more of that myself, instead of holding it all in... because even if I don't intend to continue in ongoing communication with someone, I still don't want to just write anyone off without a word. To me, you owned your own responsibility in the whole matter just by telling her how you felt, and that's a wonderful thing.

Thank you for giving me so much to think about here, by sharing your circumstances and struggles.
Hugs and love to you,

Carolyn

[axa]

Carolyn,

I went back into victim mode when I heard about my son's friendship with XN's D.  Back out of it again.  I am left with some thoughts

What did I think I could achieve, other than a piece of drama, from contacting XN and his D

What was I trying to control - seems like I was acting out more anger AGAIN

What difference did it make - affirmed what I already new about XN - did I need to know that again, maybe.  Made contact with XN'sD well I will write another post about that.

The bottom line is I think the person who really needs to know the truth is ME and I need to honour that truth rather than reconnecting with some drama about it.

Many thanks for your posts

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Axa

[lighter]

Lighter,

How come you are up at this hour of the morning????????

XXXXXXXXXX

Axa

I get up pretty early, as a habit, lol.

I think having less contact with them lets us forget how bad it was.

It's hard to sustain the belief in something that makes so little sense to us, ya know?

She may only be contaminated or have some tendencies or be flailing about in the tornado that's N space but..... she's from your past and you've moved beyond that time.

She's no longer the little girl, whose care you were in charge of.

Let her go and take care of Axa..... that, you know, is your responsibility.

[axa]

Hearing you loud and clear Lighter.  lots of nodding going on here.

I guess the question I am left with is why I want to take her on when I am so willing to abandon my own wellbeing.  It seems like it comes back to the fact that it is so much easier for me to care for others than myself and that being a more pseduo satisfying position than adult self care.  These dammed patterns run so deep and I guess part of the lesson for me is vigilence.

Axa

[Leah]

Axa,

I really like that quote:  As Anthony de Mello says "We keep going back to suffer until we suffer enough and then we stop going back"

Truly, I don't think your heart will allow you to go back.

Love,

Leah

[lighter]

Vigilence.... yes.

I think we have to learn about vigilence.

I think we have to become aware of the claws and teeth we haven't labeled yet.

Once we know what does harm..... shouldn't we treat those things differently?

As a matter of habit?

But we forget. 

I guess the problem's in our labeling system... our filing cabinet of the heart.

We have to tidy it up and do a better job of filing.... add some new files I suppose.

How's this for a label:

TRYING TO KILL ME

TRIED TO KILL ME, MAY TRY AGAIN

LIKELY TO KILL ME IF EVER DEALT WITH AGAIN

DANGEROUS

TOXIC

DO NOT TOUCH!

CUDDLY BUT BITES ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PET

RABID ANIMAL

DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR/TOTAL LOSS

JUMPING OFF CLIFF

RIPPING OUT HAIR

KNIFE WEILDING MANIAC

Ummmm..... I'm going with the KWM, lol; )

If that doesn't remind me what I'm dealing with, nothing will

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
I think something that might help is to remind yourself:

She is going to grow and learn (to whatever degree) in her life.
IF she wants to heal, be whole, experience healthy non-manipulative relationships, develop empathy...life is going to bring her many opportunities to learn this, to choose this, to enter therapy, to find personal mentors.

I think when we (me anyway) feel an urge to fix/mentor someone who's not good for us...we can release them to the other opportunities they will have, in abundance, to make choices to fix themselves.

You did GREAT. Quick brush with the old pattern, reached out for support, stepped back from the quicksand.
Good job, Axa!

love
Hops

[axa]

Thanks Hops,

It means a lot to have your validation.......... very sweet of you.  And I think you are right XN's D's life is hers and she will make whatever choices she chooses.  I cannot protect or grow her and I will step away.  I took my eye off the ball and need to regroup and address MY OWN issues rather than be distracted by her.

Axa