Everything is Upside-Down

[Doodle]

Hello all,

I am so sad and confused.

Ever since I have started standing up to my mom and step-dad, everything has felt upside-down.  Because they are insisting that I am the one that is acting out-of-line, crazy, heartless and unkind, it is shaking my perception of reality.  Is my friend not responding to my email because I really am a callous person? Do I even have a basis for asking all of you to read about my pain, because I am really causing my own pain because I am irrational? 

No matter how hard I explain. No matter how hard I tell her that I don't hold a grudge because she didn't show me how to make my own decisions. No matter how many times I tell them that I will be there for them.................. I still am beaten down emotionally and verbally.  It happens once, we don't talk for a week, they ask me over and then get mad before the day comes......and the whole cycle starts over again.

It is like they aren't real people.  I don't even feel like the words I am typing can't even touch the profound loss I feel in my relationship with them.  My friends feel empathy for me, but tell me not to worry too much. 

It has gotten to the point where my parents tell me that most of our other relatives have told them how sad it is that I am treating them so poorly.  They tell me about their health problems and tell me they can't believe that I would purposely cause so much stress in their lives, especially since they were "always there for me".

I have done nothing but wanted to become a separate adult from parents that never let go.

I don't want to lose my parents.  I don't want them to get sick and not have them call me because they can't understand why I am putting up boundaries. 

I just can't figure out why this is happening to me.

[Poppy Seed]

Hey Doodle!!

So good to hear you!! 

You are not irrational.  They are giving you flack because you are setting boundaries.  They will blame and shame you.  They will put the responsibility of the "disturbance"  on you.  That doesn't mean in any degree that you are on the wrong road.  You are fighting your way to the light and to your own autonomy and freedom.  Don't give up that fight!  That is a non negotiable! No matter how many tricks they try to manipulate you back to submission.

My H and I are going through the same  thing with his N family. I am amazed at their ability to deny responsibility and label "us" as the problem.  No listening, negotiation,  or even healthy respect.  VOID!

It is ok.  Let them try whatever they will.  They probably will not validate your knew path.  But I will!  You are doing great.  You are seeing the pattern of behavior.  The light is being shined and you are receiving wisdom.  You feel confused because their behavior tells you to doubt yourself.  Don't listen to that doubt!!   Take yourself out of the situation and try to look at it objectively. Listen, discern, and trust your impressions of what you see.  Embrace whatever clarity you find.  And then keep walking in that direction....even though there are no street signs and you feel so alone.  And it is ok to feel sad.  You may need to mourn the loss. I understand the depth and the breadth of that pain.  ((((())))))  I am learning that this intense suffering is carving out space for future unrealized blessings.  Be patient with yourself and the pain......the pain will be there for a while, teaching you and leading you to what you need.

Much support to you as you walk toward detachment and freedom.
You are doing great!  Keep sharing.  I would like to understand more.

Poppy

[Ami]

Dear Doodle,
  It is so hard to find your own heart and soul after N's have tried to "destroy" you( knowingly or unknowingly).
  We feel so much guilt for simple things.It is really,really heard.I am sorry that you are hurting so badly.
   Having extreme self doubt is part of the result of our upbringing,too.
                          Love to you,    Ami
(((((((((((((((((((((Doodle))))))))))))))))))

[Doodle]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the hugs and encouraging words! 

I am so tired from this battle.  Poppy, I loved your comment,

"Embrace whatever clarity you can find."

That is hard to do these days, but I did think of one thing.  When I was in a much earlier stage of this pain, I cried a lot and let it interrupt my daily activities.  Now, I can contain the hurt and move on with my life and work, even though it is still a battle inside.  With each and every time I step up to the plate and stand in the name of honesty and moving forward to them, I am less and less surprized when they let me down. 

Today on public radio at lunch, after my first post, I had the blessing of listening to my favorite author speaking at a near by Basillica about his new book. He reminded me once again that to want to get back, yell and be angry at the person that has hurt you only makes them more powerful with what they have inflicted upon you.

I will certainly respond more very soon.  Thank you again for all of your loving thoughts,

Doodle

[isittoolate]

Welcome Doodle

yell and be angry at the person that has hurt you only makes them more powerful with what they have inflicted upon you.

Good for you for recognizing what was happening. Some people don't.

In that quote lies a belief of mine, that to yell and scream means that person has lost his/her power ---learned from a teacher back in the '50s, as she talked so quietly when she was angry, we knew she meant what she was saying and she was still in control of the class.

Good Luck
Izzy

[lighter]

I don't think you'll ever find any clarity in your parent's space.  Yuo have to find it inside yourself and from other people and activities.

They have their agenda.... to them.... you are disrupting.  You are out of step.  You are the problem.

It's true for them. 

Stop trying to convince them of anything... and stop putting yourself in teh position of being convinced.

Your agenda isn't the same as theirs. 

They require you to pretend their very skewed reality is your reality. 

It isn't.

Your happiness will come from outside that relationship.  Don't buy their rhetoric.  Don't let it in.

It's just rhetoric if you don't want to live that way.

I'm sorry there's no magic wand I can wave to bring acceptance and peace with those facts but.....

acceptance and giving up the struggle, whaterver form that takes, is part of not suffering and struggling with these issues any longer.

As long as we have hope things will change OUTSIDE us.... then we're going to bleed.

You can only change how you handle this, what you let in, what you believe, what you value and what's true for you.

They don't say what's true for you, anymore. 

Not if you can't live with their version, and it appears you can't.

You have your own version.  What is it?  Get clear on it.  Believe it and believe you. 

[Ami]

Dear Doodle,
  You got such good advice.I just want to say that I am thinking about you and your deep struggles,friend. I am waiting to hear what happens,Doodle.             Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((((Doodle)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Doodle.

I think the answer to why is that a fox is not a poodle and a hyena is not a hamster and a tiger is not a chicken.

An N is not an unselfish, reasonable parent. It's not that the N wouldn't be a good parent if s/he knew how, it's that the N was born and raised to be an N. They are being who they are, according to their true nature.

Nature is sometimes the best teacher. We have such trouble with reality, imo, because we also have the gift of thought. But sometimes, it's more healing to remember our true selves, as part of nature, one with the world of amazing diverse creatures with such different natures.

As it is your nature to question, to change, and to heal. You are different from them.

love
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Doodle,
 People disagree on this book,but Sam Vaknin's book--Malignant Self Love really helped me to come out of denial about my M.
 Your description of your parents is classic N. It is a shock and it makes no "sense",but finding out the "name" of the animal will help you to know that it is NOT your fault.
  Vaknin's book is harsh and a shock BUT it does bring one out of denial. How can coming out of denial be "easier" ? It can't(IMO).
 We have denial b/c it is too hard to face the truth. Coming out of denial hurts -so we might as well take our medicine all at once(IMO)
   Vaknin is "gulping down the bottle"----bleh                            Love    Ami

((((((((((((((((((Doodle))))))))))))))))))))))))

[enough]

oh! i know!
i recently stood up to my N parents and called them on  a lot of stuff; it took months for a response, and my mother (who i now see is just as N as my father), was SO defensive, and told me that I need to get help...they actually believe that they did nothing wrong and that i'm 'acting like a teenager who didn't get her own way'.

[enough]

to see that others have felt that they just want to be "separate adults from the parents that won't let go" strikes such a chord with me.  i have always felt alone in that feeling, as i watch my friends and aquaintences doing just that.  its just so sick....then to read posts like CB's, saying they (the Ns) feel they will die if you become your own person, its so true. 

[Hopalong]

Brilliant, CB! YES.

we try to arm wrestle the N's in our lives into giving us permission to set boundaries

For me, all the work really wound up to the realization that it was myself I was fighting with. They (she, and a few he's) never did listen.

It was my own permission to set boundaries that I needed. After about a year of it, I'm getting used to it.

It's a miraculous shift in orientation.

Hello, Me.

Nice to make your acquaintance...
xo
Hops

[Leah]

to see that others have felt that they just want to be "separate adults from the parents that won't let go" strikes such a chord with me.  i have always felt alone in that feeling, as i watch my friends and aquaintences doing just that.  its just so sick....then to read posts like CB's, saying they

(the Ns) feel they will die if you become your own person, its so true. 

Oh Yes indeed, the Ns look on horror struck as they see the transformation ......... they look on, from a distance,

as you slip away from them.

Leah

 

[Poppy Seed]

It astonishes my how hard it is to give myself the permission ( to create boundaries)  in the first place and then to maintain the permission in the face of the blowing N forces.  Is this so difficult, because we have been so conditioned to be subservient?  I think perhaps  honoring our parents gets confused and giving up our responsibility to ourselves is the result.

Pops

[isittoolate]

Hiya Pops
Being that I am 68 and just now setting boundaries, well.....think about it.

Had I known about boundaries and began to set mine at an early age, my life could have been very different, and I know the areas now, I think?

Picture yourself as 70 years old and still kowtowing to your parents and always granting their wishes................?

What a waste of a life.--I can say re me--"What a a waste of 68 years!" ...and I can't go back and fix what I know was wrong!

So give yourself permission right now and follow through. It's the follow through and hold tight, no matter what, that might be the hardest, but I sure found it as a weight being lifted.

Good Luck

xx
Izzy

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