Son lost respect after divorce? Pls help!!!!

[Amelia Rose]

Pls advise.  I recently divorced after 24 years from an abusive spouse.  He was emotionally, mentally, and occasionally physically, abusive.  My sons are 20 and 17.  My older son was always respectful to me.  Appeared to care about me.  Encouraged me to attend my hobbies - etc.  I have always had a positive healthy relationship with my sons - where I have gone beyond the call  of duty (willingly) and I have let them know that I value them and appreciate them.  I have always been respectful of their father - despite the difficulties.  I cannot say this of him. I also do not know what he says or has said behind my back. In their presence (when I am not around), he tends to revert to being a 16 year.
Because of financial reasons, my sons and I live in a house "in the front."  My Ex has moved to the one-bedroom cottage in the backyard.  Not ideal, but one has to do what one has to do.  He refused to take any furniture.  He dresses in rags, is very skinny (partly by choice).  He does not take care of himself.  The divorce has not changed my Ex.    He is just like he used to be -only he lives in the back and not in the house with us.  And I am not cleaning up after him, or picking after him - so it looks worse than it did before.  Therefore, it looks like my Ex has gone done hill - because - he lays on the couch with a blanket over him all evening and into the night (he's chronically depressed). He did this before but I guess it wasn't as noticable.  And he would scream at us to be quiet when we were just "living" in the livingroom - talking, enjoying life - but not being too  loud.  His kitchen counter has coffee grinds and coffee spills all over it (I was wiping it up when we shared a house).  There is at least a month of coffee grounds sitting on his counter - that is 2 cups a day, 7 days a week.  He has a pile of cigarette butts in front of his television.  He sits and stares at the tv all evening and night,until he falls asleep, just like he did in"our" house - only he does it alone.
**I have talked w/both of my sons as to why I got a divorce.  They both, in the past, commented on how their parents get along better now than before.  
Only recently - my older sons seems to be holding something against me.  He  used to be the one who was nicest to me - most compassionate.  He used to encourage me to have a hobby, etc.  He used to smile more often.  
Recenlty, he has had to pay for his own car insurance and make a car payment to me.  (He bought a jeep off me.)  I'm not wealthy - I can not just "give" him the car - since I cannot give the 17 year a car.
Also, his car insurance is expensive.  I realize in hind-site - that he should have been paying all along, but we didnt' force him to.  Of course - I was trying to "make up" for everything I thought was lacking in their lives from having a chronically depressed father - who is also N and BPD.  
When their father would get angry with them, I stood up for my children and would not tolerate name-calling from their father (to them) and I would not allow him to get physical with them.  I tried to stop him from name-calling, BUT, in spite - he would do it whenever he got angry.  
I've "been there" for my kids - coming to their defense in the home. And outside the home at their schools, etc.  (I work  full time as well.)
So now - why does my son look at me as the bad guy?
I  am the one who has them do chores - it's very rare- but whever I ask him to do anything - he does the job 60%.  Always leaving something undone.  I am the one who has to remind him to pay for the car insurance, the car payment - and the parking ticket that he got - that I had to pay because the car is in my name. I don't like feeling like a BILL Collector.
Both boys pal around with each other.  My younger son told me to take an anti-bitch pill the other night.  He said it as a joke but I know he meant it seriously.  I dont' think that I over do it - maybe once in awhile - but if I don't stay after them about certain things- they won't get done.  
I have been  respectful of my sons - I don't cross certain boundaries.  Only recenlty, during disagreemetns - my older son - he has violated my boundaries. Saying terrible things to me.  Saying disgraceful things - like I  am an opponent - instead of someone valuable in his life.  Cruel things - that he doesn't take back or regret saying.  I don't ever talk this way with them.  Please pardon me for being crude - but he said I "kissed the younger brother's ass so much, I could not pull my lips out of his butt crack."
Disgusting.  Why the sudden,  big change?  Please help me understand.
He is going  thru changes, his girlfriend of 5 years is going away to  a University, he has to start paying bills, his parents got divorced - etc.
Why is he striking out at me?  And so visciously.  right now - thinking about it (he said that last night) - I don't  want to talk with him.  He has been told by me - that he could leave if he wanted to.  Last night after he said that disgusting thing to me - I called his father on the phone and told him "You may not have had any respect for me, but I will not tolerate it from your son."  I told him what happened. He came over - asked his son what was going on - there was no answer.  He told our son that if he didnt' talk  respectful to his mother - he would have to live  elsewhere.
Plus, during the argument - he looked like he was going to hit me.
Why is he so angry towards me?
Thanks.

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[Anonymous]

Hi Amelia Rose,

It's hard to take the acting out from the people we love most, isn't it?  You're probably the target because you are the one your son counts on most and you are the safest and most likely to stick around after he vents his frustration.  He has racked up a lot of "stress points" recently.  

Your request or expectations that he pay his way are reasonable.  But he doesn't have to like it.  After all, he didn't pay before, but he has to now.  So that's a change for him--noone likes to increase their expenses.  

Your insistence on being treated with respect by your son is completely consistent with your new arrangement with your ex.  As for the chores, he may be wondering WIIFM (what's in it for me?).  After all, you cleaned up after your ex, why not him, he may be wondering...you may have to clarify the expectations of living together under the same roof.  Your boys may be testing you or testing their dad's modeling of his treatment of women.

Overall, it sounds like you are holding your ground.  Hang in there!  Peace, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Amelia Rose,

Your ex husband sounds seriously ill (psychiatrically). I assume this has been going on for your sons' entire lives. It had to affect them, despite your efforts to protect/be there for them as a parent.

Now that you aren't "covering" for your ex, your son can't help but see how incredibly disturbed his father is. I suppose this is very upsetting to him. He may feel very guilty. Maybe he feels HE is now responsible for this man's wellbeing since you quit the job. He may feel he is being forced to suddenly grow up and become an adult before he's ready. His envy of his younger brother points to this.

I think he's generally exceedingly angry, resentful, and projecting a lot of stuff on you that mostly belongs toward his dad. But it's going to keep coming toward you because you can take it and his father definitely can't. The answer here won't be simple or fast, but I think the answer is to keep your boundaries, and try to get him to verbalize his feelings rather than acting them out aggressively. It may require that he move out, and/or outside intervention (therapy).

I would recommend therapy for you individually, or for you and your sons. It's a very stressful time for everyone.

bunny

[Karin]

One thing that struck me was that even though you're divorced, there doesn't seem to be much difference in your lives apart from you not having to clean up after your husband.

Last night after he said that disgusting thing to me - I called his father on the phone and told him "You may not have had any respect for me, but I will not tolerate it from your son." I told him what happened. He came over - asked his son what was going on - there was no answer. He told our son that if he didnt' talk respectful to his mother - he would have to live elsewhere.

Maybe your son/s is confused about what the divorce was really all about?

And any of the bills that your son is responsible for, let him be responsible for. In other words, if there is a penalty for late payment, then he's responsible for that too. He'll soon learn what he has to do. If you're there to tell him all the time, then he won't learn. (Maybe put the car in his name).

You seem to be caring for everybody else, don't forget to look after yourself.
Karin