When we stop trying to make peace and fight back its better. Its also a long hard journey to get to that place where we stop wishing for peace and, stop begging for our concessions to be enough,say we absolutely don't beleive giving any more will help anything and throw up our hands.
We give up the idea that we can give enough to make things better and then we can defend?
Its like being squished into a very tight small space and its wet and gooey and we cant see then theres so much pressure we burst through the barrier and we're out of that emotional space.
maybe we say things we couldn't imagine saying to someone we love and maybe we dont love them anymore when we're able to say those things? The N's can certainly say cruel things mean things bad things wrong things evil things to get their way. To win in the moment... win nothing something harldly anything they'll say anything at all.
And we wouldnt. We just want peace and what are we willing to give for it? For how long are we willing to do that? Give and give without anything but promises. How long. I guess its different for different people.
But once we say some of those things, the bad things, we kinda understand what freedom the N has. No care. No regret. No worry that theyre ruining their relationship. It isn't something they think about.
And we say them when we can't worry about the relationship any more bc we are drowing and can't.
The N's prey on our desire for peace and family. Its like holding a knive to your child's throat. Upsetting to us and requiring we placate and give and placate and give and all the sudden we have this huge stage set and this surrealistic play we're pretending is real too, though we know it's not. But by the time we really stop and take a good look at it, how out of control is it?
Pretty out of control I should think.
Theres shame and guilt involved inletting it get so bad.
Theres the shame of choosing an N.
The shame of staying with them so long.
The shame of giving until our backs break and it still not enough to shut them up and keep them from storming around like gremlins.
The shame of not being able to make it ok.
No matter what we do.
Then we realize, after all that, there was never any making them happy.
There will never BE any making them happy.
It wasn't us and we can speak.
And it feels good.
And theres nothing to lose because there was never anything there.
And knowing this frees us and it feels better.
It feels like being born its so painful and they don't bat an eye at it. Just business as usual.
It's just a blip on the screen for them.
When they spoke to us that way, it was huge and painful and we took it inside and internalized it and made it part of us.
They shrug it off and don't think another thing about it if we say things to them, like they say to us.
Fascinating to observe.
Makes me wonder why I spent so much time trying, listening, thinking they meant a word they said cause, they didn't mean any of it.
Not the good things or the bad things. They were all made up to get something. From us for them.
We really are a supply to them.
I feel like I was just rubbed around by a cold ass shark.
My face wants to vomit.
ot my stomach lol
and when things are ok its bc its ok in our heads. Not in reality.
The better we are at pretending and fixing and trying so so hard the longer it lasts. the longer it will be before we're broken down. Our strength adds time to our sentence. How long does it take to suck someone dry and render them hopeless?
Im not talking FOO stuff. Or marriage stuff. This is relationship stuff with an N.
Such high expectations they had for us, and we certainly didnt want to disapoint, did we?
Someone seeing so much potential, sweeping us up in their big plans making us feel special.
THen the subtle dispointments and jabs and those boundaries just dont have a chance do they?
The unbearable pain that it might go away.
What did we do andc say to try to make it stay?
To push against teh tide?
To try to keep from seeing?
And the harder we tried the more they could get away with.
Transferring responsibility, transferring complete ownership of peace and harmony to us.
Their job became much easier bc we took on everything they should have been doing.
We let them get away with, out of, into things that we should have piped up about from the very start.
But we didnt and how much did it take before we did?
Useless rediculous waste of energy and time. Gone gone gone.
Once we understand there isnt going to be any peace, they have trouble.
I guess we do too, but new troubles at least.
