Loving myself without Affirmation from the outside

[Poppy Seed]

I think that this is my greatest hurdle with regards to loving myself.  I can do it with the feast .....but loose it when there is famine.  I have thought a lot about this over the years.  Read the books and articles about it and felt the inability to perform the skills.

I am learning that the kinder I am to myself, the kinder I am to others.

I am learning that if I fill my own bucket to overflowing, that I have so much excess to give to others -- a giving that doesn't cost me anything.

I am learning that I am worth my loving efforts just as any friend or person I meet.

I am learning that God doesn't withhold his love for me.  I shouldn't either.

I am learning that loving myself might not have anything to do with how well I do stuff or how high I can jump.

I am learning that maybe it is ok to believe and then act on all I am writing above.

I am learning that I just need to do it....even if I don't feel it.  Perhaps feeling it is the fruit that comes after the effort.

I don't have to withhold love for myself if I make a mistake.  I am finding that I have more love when others make mistakes.  And more ability to react to mistakes in loving ways.  Especially with my kids.

I am learning that it is not shameful to love myself and to think that I am good.

I am learning that loving myself is not requisit on anyone else's opinion.  I can love myself in the face of rejection and criticism.  Not sure how yet...

Maybe loving myself is a sacred cow that no one else touches but me.  It is a place that no one else goes but me and God.  Is that true??? 

I wonder how others play a role in this building of self esteem or self love.  I know I feel better when others care about me.  I need to be cared about, seen, heard, valued,  needed.  I think we all flower following a positive nod.  But what do I do when, those things don't come to me.  When I don't feel cared about or seen.  When I don't feel acknowledged or needed.  When the slights happen.  When the unfairness happens or the injustice or persecution?  Basically the inevitable realities of daily life.  Learning to deal with this in a self loving ways is difficult for me.  I don't have enough armor.  The tempations to punish.....to doubt my goodness....to cave......to give too much to get love....etc.  This feels so gooshy.  So without form.  So without strength and anchor and place.  So driven with the wind and tossed by whim and stimulus. 

I want to stand tall and sit fat in love for myself.  In spite of the opinions and attention of others.  I know I have met people like this.  I want it too! I want to feel it in the face of my worst adversary.  I want it to overflow so my love can be available for my adversary.  I want that kind of love to keep me safe.  Something I always rely on.  Something I always trust.  This is the kind of love fortress I want to build.  I want my love to include my weaknesses, not withdraw in the face of them.  I think of the list of true love or charity.  Longsuffering, kind, seeketh not her own, patient, etc.  is this possible or am I dreaming???

I don't want to remain walled off from the world because I can't love myself. 

My thoughts here are a little random.......I hope you all can follow me.

Poppy

[Ami]

   I UNDERSTAND  -----Poppy. Keep formulating the questions in an honest and fearless way. Maybe ,we can all get there,together.                            Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  I had your heart cry in the back of my mind. I have been thinking more about it.I think that many of our feelings of being 'unable" to love ourselves come from fear.
   I think about myself.I am afraid to be my authentic self.I am afraid that I am 'bad".I am afraid to be shamed or that I will shame myself if I "screw up" I think that I am mostly afraid of how I shame myself if outside circumstances arenot "right".I think that if I could take away my "shame" button,I would be pretty good(The fear button,too)
   I was just thinking that maybe the root of how hard it is to love ourselves is fear----in some way--even if it is not 'obvious"
   Great topic.I wish that I had more concrete things to add. I am waiting to hear from others             Love Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Ami,

You have been so kind and empathetic with me today.  And I am so grateful.

I was thinking that at some point I need to come to terms with my weaknesses.  I think that I see the things I don't do well....not all of them.....but there are a few zingers that really kill my self worth when they pop up.  I sometimes hate myself because I see those weaknesses.  Especially the ones associated with my inability to succeed socially, regain my confidence, stand up for myself without following it up with caving in.  It makes me ask "what is wrong with me?" I am awesome!  I am cute and funny (when I feel good inside) and I am a loyal friend.   And I try to tell myself that nothing is wrong with me.  But at the end of the day, I am convinced that I am defective.  But I can't exactly decide what the defective thing is.   I think that maybe my pain has eaten away at my good parts.  I think that I fear that I will live the rest of my life with essential parts missing.  I have spent the better part of the last 15 years praying and searching for answers to my oh so obvious weakness.  I can't decide some days if it is weakness in my deep beliefs or just literal undoable damage.  Or maybe it is just the believing that I am defective that sinks the ship.  It is hard when I know I have these problems....and then people see those weaknesses too and distance themselves from me.  How am I not suppose to think that maybe something is wrong with me?  Do I have bad breath?  Do I bug people?  What is the dang problem?  Is it something I could fix if made aware?  Or is it that I suck.  My mother, inlaws, H, all fail to see good in me.  So are they all wrong????  (These are my thoughts when no one is looking.)

I feel that feeling like enough is enough!  Not one more day not loving myself!! Not one more year lost!! Not one more second in this groping for capability. 
I am done waiting.....I am done searching in others to get my needs met.  I am sick of waiting for someone else to love me or teach me or fill in the blanks.  And then comes this incredibly feeling of powerlessness against this giant mountain in front of me.

I am making progress.  I see my thoughts and feeling changing in microscopic increments and I am greatful!  I will take whatever I can get. 

If it is fear.....then dang.....I will face it.  I am more tired and at my whits end than I am afraid.  Nothing can be worse than where I have been.  And I refuse to stay there.

Poppy

Ps.  Do you all tell me to keep sharing because you think I haven't shared enough?  Cause it feels like I have posting like a mad woman.  Am I not being honest or fearless enough?????  Maybe I am not sharing details from my childhood.  I know I haven't done that and I am not sure I will.    But I do share feelings that I know have been there and I do share my weakness and strugglings and blindness.   Could you clarify what exactly you think I am missing?

[Ami]

The way that I see it (I could be wrong) is that we were programmed with ALL these lies. We need to do whatever it takes  to "exorcise " the lies. For me,I just keep to try to face all aspects of the truth of me,my feelings,my past, my pains,fears etc   BUT also  the truth of my value.
    I am seeing ,little by little , that what I was taught about myself is a lie. It is very slow,for some reason.I don't know why.
   So,my own quest is to simply follow all the lies that I have swallowed until I come to the end . Then,I hope that the garbage can be cleared out and I will fill it with Truth( what God thinks about me)
   That is just my own particular road map that I designed.
   If you have deep child hood pain,I think that you should share it with a loving person somewhere(if you don't want to share it here).
  Sharing has a way to take away the shame which is a core problem in making us 'hate"ourselves.
   This is just my own plan that I devised. It is working --slowly--but I  got sick slowly ---so  I guess healing is slow ,too.      Love    Ami

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  I think that whatever plan that we chose ,we have to have the core of it be to take away the lies and replace them with the truth.If we could wave a magic wand and do it now,I think that we would be well.
    If we could take away the lies that we are bad, worthless and worthy of shame and guilt and simply be able to replace the lies with how much we are loved and valued by God--VIOLA---- We would be healed--happy,loving ourselves,loving others and at peace.
 Too bad that the VIOLA is not instant.
 However, that is my general plan out of craziness in to health .I will send a postcard when I arrive.              love    Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear Poppy,
Your posts are perfect, whole, lacking nothing.

You gave me a mantra that I love...thank you!

STAND TALL
and SIT FAT...self-love!
love
Hops

[sunblue]

Hi Poppy:

I'm sorry you are not feeling worthy or valuable.  Others can tell you how valuable you are, but of course it is much more difficult to believe it unless you were taught to value yourself.  I think most people can identify with that feeling. I know I can.

I do know this.  Even though conventional wisdom states that we should all love and value ourselves just as we are, even when others don't do so, it is really, really difficult to practive that theory.  It is only human nature that we feel good if others (particularly those we care about and value) reciprocate and let us know they think highly of us.  When you're alone, it is just so hard to maintain that level of high self esteem when there is no one else to give you a boost and reinforce those feelings of self-esteem.  If anything, this lack of external validation only serves to reinforce our own feelings of weaknesses, failure and negative traits. 

Personally I don't know how a person continues to value themselves when no one else in the world values them.  It's not impossible but it is difficult.  I can't say I know of any person with really postiive self-esteem who doesn't also have other people affirming their positive traits and value. 

I think also these feelings of "lack" come from us always focusing on what other people need and not what we need.  It is our nature to boost others, to value them and affirm their self-esteem.  We hope and expect that it will be reciprocated but all too often, it never is and that just creates a deeper sense of devaluation and disappointment.  I'm sure your family and loved ones do value you.  They just don't see a need to express it in any tangible way.  I think for those of us who have been involved in N relationships or families, we just need to actually hear that others value us and to demonstrate what it is about us they value.  It helps to combat all the negative self-talk we engage in ourselves.

[Bella_French]

Dear Pops,

I am positive-energy lover as much as anyone, and I am mostly fine with that these days. Its motivating, and also nice to be around people where I `fit' and am liked. 

But when I'm constantly dealing with negative people and conflicts, I really start doubting myself and trying to change myself to `fit', when usually it is just more useful to change my environment. There are some places and situations where I will never fit, no matter how zen I become. For example, i wouldn't feel comfortable walking into a boutique club where only models and superstars hang out, knowing that I don't fit. I could get plastic surgery and take drugs to make myself thin and seem cool, and then those people would give me positive energy. But my attitude is why not just find where I fit, instead of trying to be `zen' about it and trying to cope with all the negative energy from those people because I don't fit?

Positive energy is wonderful and like a soft fluffy cloud. Why should life be without it? Surely we all fit in somewhere, where people like and appreciate us? Especially someone like you, Pops.

I guess what I'm wondering, is your environment the problem here? Are people around you giving out too much negative energy, and are there too many conflicts? I know; people are so adaptable and its always appealing to try to adapt rather than change a situation, especially when its hard to change and you are attached. But change is also an option, and sometimes its the better one.

Just a few thoughts:)

X Bella

[lighter]

Yes, much harder in the lean times.

But..... there's something hard about the rich times, as well. 

We tend to think we're stronger than we are and can handle more than we can.... we tend to not be diligent, once we have a little confidence under our belts.

I love everything you're working on here..... you've framed some of these concepts in a fresh light and expressed some so that I really take it in, for the first time.

(((Poppy)))  The board is so much richers with you: )

[Ami]

I have been thinking about your post,Poppy. My general plan is to first empty out the garbage---like you would clean a house.I do this by facing everything as honestly as I can. There is lots of garbage(believe me). I am at the bottom of the dumpster,I think. Then,I put in the truth about me(I am loved by God). So,I see 2 phases of the program. Garbage out and truth in.
  My feeling is that you can't reserve a part of the 'garbage that you won't face or it will stay there and shame you.
  My thought is to tell it all and face it all--- some where where people can "witness' the pain and the shame and you can see that you are still lovable and still standing.
  Compost what doesn't fit,of course.                                    Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dearest Pops,

The sort of love you describe is supernatural, I believe.... not something a human being can ever stir up within herself.
Agape love, without conditions or bounds, and springing from only one Source.
Effervescent love flows from the center of those who are in intimate relationship with that Source, but they never become the Source itself.
Comparing ourselves among ourselves is not wise, so the Word says. This is what my heart hears you (and myself) doing, at times.
I think we gotta knock off the comparing.
Only one opinion counts and until we acknowledge that as the foundational fact of our entire lives, we're doubleminded and unstable in all of our ways. Who's piloting the ship? I know that when mine is spinning around in circles, going nowhere, it's usually cuz I put my clumsy mitt on the wheel.... or... maybe I let someone else drive by giving them too much control over my thoughts. Thoughts sprout feelings, so they warrant due careful attention in the earliest stages. What about all those old thoughts that've taken deep root? Ouch. That's where the post, post, post - get it all out there - comes into play.
You ever feel like you're operating by remote control?  I do.
It's why I'm still here.
And once in awhile, someone like you will care enough to say - hey, are you okay?

Poppy, you really are okay... your mind just doesn't know it yet. I don't think anyone has any more vain imaginations swirling around in their brain than I do. What are we told to do with those? Cast them out. There's no gentle motion in that. No tolerance. It's "Begone with you!"
Such is the process of renewing our minds.

You are not alone, just not many folks speak of the pain of these wonderings, Poppy. I often can't, because it gets stuck in my throat, but when I read you, it bubbles up and sometimes out. That line - you will know the truth the truth will make you free - well, that can be quite a puzzler when your head isn't even sure what is truth and what is falsehood. What if we miss a truth? What if we never add it all up in time to live a productive life? Hmm... from what I've read and what my heart is struggling to retain in full view.... there is only one truth and it has nothing to do with whether or not any human being in this world finds me or you acceptable in their sight. It's THE Truth which makes us free... and that Truth is the Way and the Life, as well.

All of this frustration and pain and doubting and struggle...  I feel that I bring all of this onto myself when I forget that I'm not supposed to be able to sort this all out on my own and make it work. I know that every single trial and test has the purpose of directing my eyes to The Truth... and yet I lapse back, lunge forth, lapse again, around and around... questioning, resenting, demanding, crumbling...so many feelings over which to trip.
And yet I know in my heart of hearts that, when all is said and done, I can do none other than to declare: Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him: but I will maintain my own ways before Him. That can feel like such a lonely place to stand... but only for a moment.

I hope that you can see how very much you're needed and valued and appreciated here. If it weren't for you and a few others, my voice would be still choked within me. It's in the interaction, the fellowship, that these thoughts and feelings are released. Please remember that it's a process and not a quick fix... and especially that you are never alone. It's not by might, or by power, or by fancy words and eloquent speeches that hearts and lives are changed for good, you know? If I didn't know that for sure, I would never open my mouth or type another sentence! : )

Much love to you,
Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

  Writing this post last night awoke a boat load of pain...  And this morning I am feeling the strength of that old...and new burning pain.  It is all right there in front of me.  I am too familiar with it.  I have listened to it,  and learned from it, and carried it tirelessly......and now it is time to lay it down to sleep.  I need to figure out how.

Sunblue and Bella,

I think you too said what I couldn't say.....or didn't feel like I had the right to say.  But thank you.  Thank you.

I don't fit in where I am.  I don't fit in my marriage or neighborhood or FOO or il's.  I don't have a best friend.  I have a few friends that are there because of what I give them.  I am relatively invisable.  My marriage, for the most part, is about him.  I care for him, listen, walk by him through recovery.  When I need him, he goes away.  My childhood was lonely.  I was so alone.  Nothing much has changed since then.  So much rejection!  It is now too much.  Too heavy.  Too sad.  Too lonely.  I can't carry it anymore.  I am waiting patiently for God to send the manna.  I have been strong.  I am strong.  But ...... I know when my will outweighs my strength.

I think I hear this voice inside of me saying, " Go away from here!  Try something new!  Stretch you wings and fly!"  But my responsibilities keep me on the ground.  Divorce seems like my best friend and my worst enemy.  And how do I make a choice like that and change who my children are?  How do I live with myself?  If I was getting beaten or chased or harmed.....it would make sense.  But my H is doing all he is capable of doing.  I have no grounds to leave.  Yet, I am dying on the vine.  I tell him.  I cry and get angry.  I wait in silence and hope that he can figure it out.  I ask him for supports.  I asked him to move me.  He thinks we have a good investment now.  And he is right, we do.  But inside, I wish I were more important than the fiscal responsibility.  You know??  The truth is that he is learning how NOT to be self absorbed.  And although I have hope,  I am going to be on my own  for a while more.

I think every human needs to be important to someone. To have that voice that teaches them over and over how wonderful they are.  I have lots of voices and circumstances that say the opposite.  I shout that I am good!  But it is hard to hear over the rush of the waves.  I ask for what I need, explain.  And I find silence. I feel done with these people and want to move on to the greener pastures.  But I don't have any idea where they are.  And now my confidence is shot and I get so nervous.  Like a dog that has been hit too many times.   I don't know how to find the group or person where I will find that.  If only you could see the lengths I go to try.  I have tried too much.

I really want to end this on a happy note.  The truth is that I do have hope.  In this way, and against all the evidence, I have hope even though I struggle with the unrealized nature of my life.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for listening.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Pops,

I hear you and I feel much the same as far as requests for supports being unheard and priorities being askew.

And I hear some magical thinking in the works... as though somewhere, in a distant land unknown, there are people who would be different...

and I just don't think there are.

It's said that we teach people how to treat us... and so we have.

Well, I guess we could start fresh with a new batch... but I wouldn't feel right about that.

Just my thoughts.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

Ami,

I hope that this thread is seen as a desire to dump the garbage.


I am trying to make a list of all the thoughts in my head that I need to chuck!

Like.....most of what I just wrote in my last post!