Need Some Help

[Ami]

. I saw all the" bad"( revolting, disgusting things to me) in my M.I could not face them so I turned them on me.Is this what you are saying?.I became bad so she could stay good. WOW----- that makes  sense.
  When your M put you down for wanting to "better " yourself,I had this with wanting to be a person of character ( that my GM told me ). My M thought that this was "hilarious."
   I think that I twisted  b/c I could not face that my M was "gross"--- just disgusting and revolting to me. I had to become the bad one in order to survive. Is that what you are saying, Amber?


I am really seeing(I think) that I became the rejected, gross,disgusting. revolting sick one so she could be the "good" one b/c someone's reality  was WRONG and OFF and I had to choose. So,I chose her to be the good one and me the bad one.
  i feel really,really angry at her for doing this to me--GRRRRRRRRRRR

[Ami]

WOW Amber
  That makes more sense than my "reason" for why I became "bad". I became bad b/c two opposite realities could not exist. She was so obviously totally revolting. I saw it. I became the bad one b/c I could not face how horrible she was.That is it-- Right?
  I,like you, got so buried that I didn't know how to get back. The inner child exercises are the way to get back(IMO)
  I shut down b/c I could not own the true reality( she was revolting) and so I became "bad "and she was "good'.Then I could live in the house and with her.Then. I could have a "mother'.also.
  The price was my '"reality". The price was my eyes,ears,gut and perceptions. I had to give all these up as my role as the "bad" one. I could not see b/c then I might "reverse" the decision I made that she was "good" and I was "bad". It was too dangerous to the "system" that I had "agreed" to for me to be able   to see.
   Is this what you mean, Amber?                                      Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I think that we "fumble" our way to clarity.
  I am seeing that if I intend to have relationships(which I do) ,I have to be willing to fail my way to success. It is that simple. I have to be willing to make mistakes in relationships.
 I can see that I made mistakes with Maria. I learned many things that I would not have learned if I was alone in my room(but I sure do want to stay there-sigh)
 So, I have to be willing to fail. House breaking a Yorkie is a lesson in failure--
As we get our core back, Amber,it is often a fumbling in the dark.I guess that is how it is.               Love   Ami