The perfectionism exercise

[tayana]

I thought I might post some of the exercises that I've been doing in my journal.  I am a horrible perfectionist.  I always have been, mostly because my N wanted me to do everything perfect.  "If you aren't going to do it right don't do it at all."  My T and I actually had an entire session about perfectionism.  He said he used to have a poster that said, "If you aren't going to do it wrong, don't do it at all."  Meaning that we have to make mistakes to learn. 

The book I'm reading has this advice.  Our lives should have a 20% mess up factor, meaning that we can mess up and others in our lives can mess up twenty percent of the time without criticism, shame, blame or guilt.  So I made a list of things that I can mess up on.

20% of the time . . . .

* My house can be messy
* My car can be dirty
* I don't have to be supermom.  I don't have to feel guilty bout not being eager to see my kid at night, and I don't have to feel guilty when I fail to be encouraging and wonderful.
* Homework isn't checked
* Dinner isn't beautiful or scrumptious and sometimes we eat out.
* Michael's room can be messy
* The beds don't have to be made
* I can relax without guilt, shame or worry.
* Michael can slack off and be a kid

There are more things, and the beauty is that I can add to the list as I think of things.

So tonight, dinner was frozen stuff from the freezer, not very healthy, but filling.  Michael didn't get started on homework till late.  He went to bed with a messy room.  We picked up the living room together.  I didn't get upset when he was wearing borrowed clothes because he got wet on the playground.  I got very frustrated because he wouldn't do his homework and even more frustrated when he tried to get me to do it for him.  The beds weren't made.  ANd those wood shavings didn't get vacuumed up in his room.

But that's all right, because my house doesn't have to be perfect, neither do I and neither does my kid. 

And quite honestly, I hate the homework as much as he does. 

[Bella_French]

Dear Tayana,

Have you ever heard of the 80-20 rule? They toss the term about in the workforce a lot, especially in my last job which was IT related.

I'll try to explain it: If you were to look at  `completing a job to perfection' in terms of time and effort expended, the rule says that getting a job to stage where its 80% perfect takes around 20% of the total effort, and getting that last 20% of the job fine- tuned to the point of `perfection' would take 80% of the total effort. In case that was hard to follow, its basically saying that after a certain stage in a job, the effort needed to `perfect it' is disproportion ally high, and not justified due to the minimal difference it makes.

It really interested me to hear this applied to psychology too! Thanks so much for sharing that!

X Bella

[lighter]

This is an interesting thread, lol.

Bella.... when I was in school, they taught us that 80% of everytihng that went across our desks would be crap and.....

 90% research and 10% execution is the basic rule for approaching and finishing a job.

Not sure how that ties in but.... there it is.

[Iphi]

Wow - I have never heard of any of these ideas and they are so freeing.  These would be good ideas for finding peace's topic about important things to teach your kids, too.  I especially love the poster in the T's office about 'doing it wrong.'  Maybe I need that poster too.  Basically everything my heart would prompt me to do in life is completely squashed and perfectionism is a big part of the squashing. 

What if the 80/20 was split like into areas instead of times.  Like - we won't make our beds - 100% of the time, and we will have dessert 20% of the time.  There's a lot of negotiating room in this concept.  I like it.   

I am a few years away from wrestling with homework time, but I have already been thinking about how to address it because I hated to do homework and had no concept of it (reviewing the day's lesson or doing the reading - what?? Schoolwork is for school, man).  My first idea is to have a family work time where everybody works on projects and/or homework at the same time.  I could always review stuff for work, or work on a side project.  My H writes articles and essays on the side and sells stuff on ebay, that's the kind of thing I'm thinking of.  It would make me more productive too.  Or I could ask him to explain his lesson to me?  I'm probably completely pipe dreaming and not in reality land at all.   

[tayana]

Bella, I don't think I've ever heard of the 80/20 rule.  At least none of the places I work, and I currently work in IT.  Of course, I also work for a government agency where everyone puts in about 20% effort . . .

I've never heard of most of these ideas, and if they were taught in school, it must have been on a day I was absent or not paying attention.

I do like this idea.  The other part of the exercise was the epitaph test.  Is it important enough to put on your headstone?

Here lies Vicki, on Oct. 18 she fed her kid junk for supper.

Not really that important is it?

I forgot to post the epitaph test.

Iphi, it's a great concept too, and I wish I had that poster, I'd hang it in my cubicle.  About the homework . . .

I had these visions of M working on homework while I wrote or worked on auctions (I sell on ebay and have an internet shop).  We could do it at the table and have this little period of family togetherness.

WRONG!

M won't do his work unless he's constantly redirected.  Things he doesn't like, he does everything he can to get out of.  Like last night he had to do something related to his reading, and he just whined and moaned and complained the whole time.  It wasn't even that hard.  Compare and contrast the lives of two individuals.  Not hard.  You would have thought though, I'd asked him to write a 30 page paper.  And Writing!  Oh, heaven forbid that he should have to do anything writing related.  This is partly because my mother tormented and berated him about writing all the time.  She would tear his paper up and make him do things over three or four times, because his handwriting was sloppy.  So now, he won't write at all.  If he spent as much time writing out his answer as he does trying to make it as short as possible, we wouldn't have an issue.  So my visions of this happy family time sank in Titanic proportions.  A lot of the homework is stupid busy work, and I think it's rather pointless.  So, I'm never eager to start it.  I need the break as much as he does.

[tayana]

Shunned, don't apologize for the rant at all.  I have very strong feelings about education and learning, and I don't think school is the appropriate place for either one.  Unfortunately, I can't homeschool right now, as much as I'd like to. 

I don't check M's homework anymore, except to make sure that it's done.  I've told him that I don't care if he gets A's, B's or C's, although I'd rather him not fail a test because he didn't read the questions.  He's done this on the last two reading tests.  So last night, we had a talk about doing our best, and I made him read the story again, at home, in a nice quiet setting and asked him to at least read the questions and answer appropriately.  I don't generally make a big deal out of grades.  My mother did, and I hated her emphasis on, you've got to work hard to keep your A average.  I don't think grades should matter.  I don't think they tell the real story of how much a child has learned.  M learns more reading about hamsters and taking care of his hamster than he does doing the boring busy work that comes home every night.

He usually has a pile of homework on the weekend, and spends at least two hours on Sunday doing it.  We've developed the bribe plan for weekend homework.  He gets a reward for doing all of the work without nagging, prodding, or complaining.  And it works.  I make sure he gets it done, and if he gets a B, C or D, he gets it. 

I don't like all of the focus on grades and competition and public shaming that goes in public school.  I don't think it's healthy for a child like M.  I'd love to put him in a private school for kids like him, but the tuition is steep, and I'm not sure how to get him to and from school yet.  he's just not quite old enough to stay home alone.  I went to the school and looked.  It's ungraded and very laid back.  It's perfect, just really expensive.

[tayana]

Schools are very similar to government, and I know where a lot of the money goes.  It doesn't go to the teachers or for the kids.

This year's teacher has been pretty good so far.  She's willing to work with me.  I'm dreading next year though when he starts middle school.

M has always liked reading, and he still does.  Last year though, he was required to read books for points for the AR program at his school.  The school didn't have enough middle readers on the list, and the books he liked to read weren't for credit.  So he lost a little of his love of reading.  I'm confident he'll get that back, but I'm not pushing him for the reading program at school this year.  If he reads enough books, fine, but I'm not going to push, and if the teacher asks I'll explain.  It's an optional program, and I don't think he needs any more stress.

[Bella_French]

Dear Tayana,

My job in IT was at an Australian University, and the faculty was the Film and Animation production section. My job was teaching students about film making, including software and 3d animation, and also supporting the technology (there was fair bit of film and animation  production equipment, as well as the computer labs.

I think the 80-20 rule applied well to our faculty,in say editing a film, drawing a 2D animated films, 3D modeling, or script writing. It was so easy for students to fiddle too much with their work, trying to get it perfect, that they'd miss deadlines and fail.

I had a copy of the `Artists way' in my office, which  discusses perfectionism at great lengths and suggests many great remedies for it. I made pain of myself sometimes, thrusting the book upon students who seemed paralyzed by perfectionism, and also on a lecturer once who I felt was sabotaging the careers of young students with his hyper critical attitude. The students loved the book and really got it, but the lecturer stopped reading it after a few pages, lol.

I can understand you fears regarding your sons schoolwork, and it is so sad to hear that he stopped writing after your mother's treatment of him. Depending on his age, you might suggest that he reads `the artists way'. Its not really about art. Its more about unlocking our potentia, especially when it has been sabotaged by teachers or people like your mother, who destroyed your child's confidence.

I think your son is so lucky to have such a smart mother, who has been perceptive enough to identify the effect of hypercriticism on your son's work. It so fortunate that she is not such a part of his life now.

X Bella