Axa: Sometimes I can see it so clearly.
And sometimes I do just choose not to open my mouth, pick up the phone.... respond to someone's request for help, input, whatever......
and it feels so.......
it feels so awkward.
I guess we're wired to facilitate and help and respond and nurture.
Not sure why but we are and it's going to take some practice to transfer that to ourselves.
I guess we could say...... if you aren't feeling terrible discomfort..... you're doing it wrong.
It's not comfortable to change habits.
That's one thing you can count on, get used to and look forward to changing, so it doesn't remain so alien.
It's get's easier.
I picture someone in my head, who I used to think was selfish, and attempt to emulate.
I also sometimes think the words....'blink blink" in the most awkward moments, so my mouth doesn't come alive and begin sputtering thing to take the pressure off me and the moment.
My response IS... ::blink blink:: and I am not rising to the challenge, up for a go or ready to throw myself at the feet of another un winnable (is that a word, lol?) situation.
The underdog is going to have to learn to fight.
The loner is going to have to learn some new social skills.
The struggling mother of 5, with money worries, is going to have to start making some smart choices and digging herself out.
I CAN'T do it for them.
No matter how I try.
I'll fail.
Again and again.
Trying may make ME and them feel better in the moment but.....
I've done no one any favors by extending false hope.
I'm not "the fixer"
I'm not trained to do this work.
I'm not going to succeed, no matter how hard I try......
to save anyone from themselves.
That's reeeeaaaaaaaalllly something to make peace with, don't you think?
Once we've wrapped our minds around that.... and it's a very complex idea, not to be taken lightly.....
it gets easier to see what we should be focusing on.
And that's scary as hell.... bc we've never done it with any consistency before. It's something we do when it's soooo painful to stay where we are.... we must.
Not by choice, but bc the pain of NOT doing it is worse than the pain of DOING it, lol. ::sigh::
Wow.... so then, after we get through the worst of it.... we're not in so much pain any more and what's to keep us from continue on that path?
Let's face it?
Nothing.
What keeps us on the path...... what's usually our catalyst, up to this point, is pain.
You're witnessing, up close, exactly how it's done when we repeat our primal patterns.
You see why we do it, bc we're not comfortable NOT doing it and you're facing the continued challenge of making better choices and saying NO to familiar situations that beckon like a mama calling to us.
But it's not mama calling.
It's not going to go well.
It's not something we can turn around, champion and win, this cause we so want to make turn out differently this time.
It's just the same trap that keeps us mired and lost and leads back to the painfilled catalyst of taking the path we struggle to stay on, once we find our way.
Remaining on the path has it's own challenges and they're NEW challenges.
We don't even recognize them as challenges yet, so new they are.
The fact that the BIG pain has subsided doesn't mean it's all gone.
I think we're trying to wriggle free of it all the time, and our old coping strategies start to creep.
We're feeling strong, after all.
We've grown so much..... learned to do so much better.
We can handle it right?
Oh Lord.... is this what alcoholics go through too?
The human condition?
The slip back into familiar? The loss of the new path, new habits, new choices?
Seduced, ever so slowly, convinced it's NOT what it seems to be..... bc we're beyond it now?
But it's the same and when we step off the path.....
there be monsters.
We can't save people from themselves. We should accept that.
We should take saving ourselves more seriously, for that's what it is we risk.
We should realize that the kind of struggle you're experiencing now..... is a very real threat.... alarms should be sounding.... red flags should be waving!!!!
Will we recognize it next time?
For ourselves?
For you?
Do we understand what it is you just did?
Stepped off the path and back toward the monsters.....?
Away from youself?
Turning your back on the only person you can save?
You.
