Re: Shunned's Tale of Twiggy - Part 1

[Hopalong]

What a wonderful thought, Amber...
you and relaxing H moving to the beach to simply BE, alive and well and together, in retirement.

Lovely.
I am really lifted just by reading it.

Congratulations on your wonderful progress!

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I don't know how to put more than one quote in so I will quote you myself.
   You talked about the "internals " you would take in your new life.You have to consciously let some things go and replace then with things that you chose.
  I think that our FIRST step has to be to clear out garbage. We have to make that "vacuum" .Then we can fill it with "good things'. As I take my M out to the "dumpster",I am filling it with how much God loves me and WHAT effort He went to to find me.(I was  stubborn)
  Under your things to deal with list you had the "punishing" thing and replacing negative thoughts.
 For the "punishing" thing,I think that our "punishing" ourselves is simply a "cord" of attachment to them. It is a way to still have a mother there. I think that when we truly decide that we, actually have NO valid type of M, we will not need to punish ourselves( compost-if needed.I am not totally sure of it either,but I think that it is right)
  I think that the biggest factor in letting go of the punishing is simply to truly face at the very bottom of our being that we are motherless. The book,"I will love you forever" makes me sob every time I read it.It is about a M's love. We had the opposite. We could write a book,"I will torment you forever"( and never let you freakin" get rid of me)
  I don't know if you have ever seen this book. A pastor was reading it in church.I was up front.Many people had a few tears.I was sobbing like at a funeral. My friend bought me the book and I sob every time I read it.I guess that I am bringing it up here b/c I think that the punishing of ourselves is a way of keeping SOME hope of attachment alive.  What do you think?
  When you fell, you did great. You inspired me.  I need to take care of myself the way that you did.I am glad that you shared that you did not let your M's voice take over at all.In face,you really did not have it actually talking to you, which is wonderful progress.
 The last part is the third you. This is the core,I think.This is the real you-- not the false one you HAD to fabricate when you pushed Twiggy down(if I have it right)
 This third self is the real Amber --not the "freak" Amber who had to develop b/c your M was so "whacked".
   Anyway. Let me know how this resonates with you. You have helped me so much Amber. Thank you                                             Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 Just read your new installment. As always,I need time to read it many times and think about it.Just wanted to say that I am always excited about another update               Love  Ami

[lighter]

Hops, Shunned.... what a lovely thread.

At first... I thought the beach was just an abstract excercise to weed through our lives.... decided what to keep and what we can do without.

I suppose it could be, now that I think of it.

I vote for the hedonistic weekend, Shunned: )

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I think that I understand what you are saying,(I took notes)
 You have to replace the 'bad " pattern FIRST before you can put in the new ,better ones. For example, you have to  validate yourself first before you can give up needing validation from outside.
  I understand this.It makes sense. We need to be grounded in the new  behavior before we throw off the old "bad" one.
  I find that once I understand a Scripture in my heart, then I can let go of old "bad" behaviors. For example, the other day,,the verse that 'Do not fear man but fear God...." just went in to my heart while I was exercising. When that happens ,it is the best thing in the world. All of a sudden ,I will 'know" a truth about life.It helped  break some of my codependence.---right then and there.
 The" sick" issue is a big one for me. I was severely  neglected when I was sick.I did not realize how bad it was until I read the inner child book which says that if you were left alone when you were sick, you were severely neglected.Also,  my M would scream,"YOOOOOU are not sick till you are hanging over the toilet bowl."BLEH .I would feel such utter despair that I really wanted to just shrink until I was nothing.
  For me, my biggest issue is wanting to be comforted and mothered especially when I am sick. I feel that being sick lets me relax my "hard" standards on myself.( as you said)
  However,as I face that I AM totally alone,I am realizing that I don't need to get sick in order to nurture myself This is a core issue and will heal slowly,I think.
 My H had a 'tantrum" tonight.I have  been facing the truth about him before this. He is like the dog who does not jump on the sofa when you are around but STILL WANTS to. My H cannot abuse me anymore BUT he wants to--BLEH. Sometimes,I look in his eyes and he hates me. My role was supposed to be the abused one IF he provided.I changed the "tune" in mid stream.He is angry --down deep. He can't rage( most of the time) but it is not a deep change on his part---just a "have to"
  Anyway, You have  a good H that cares for you.It is a plus, Amber.
   Back to your post.
 I think that the biggest core issue that you are facing is that you made the deep decision to "sacrifice  yourself" for others. It is very deep and must be let go at a very deep level.Tthe fact that you can even express it means that you are on the WAY to letting it go..
   I ,also, think that if I am weak or sick enough --someone will rescue me.This is a very deep turning of ourselves over to "outside "powers,I think. I think that this wanting to be rescued is very,very deep,also.
It reminds me of a small dog who rolls on his back so a bigger dog will leave it alone. I think that I have an emotional pattern of rolling on my back---bleh.
 My little dog did it today and it reminded me..
   The last pattern that you expressed is a big one. We victimize ourselves MUCH worse than anyone.This pattern is the WORST of all. It feels the most hopeless ,too. If I am not for myself -- Who am I? (good question?)
 I want to heal this more than any other part.I want to be "for myself". Then,, you can do the other half which is "If I am only for myself what am I?
  You are doing great. Amber.                                  Love    Ami


 

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

Just stopping by here to say thank you again (and again and again ) for all that you share here. I am really relating to your style of thinking and these steps you're outlining for yourself! I have come to many of the same conclusions vis the transience of properties and material goods as I've minimized my own *stuff* over the past few years. Many of these processes have been partially hidden within me, because of so much *in your face*-type trials with N-ex, new marriage, teen children, just... life-stuff. So, reading you, I always feel like I'm receiving another glimpse into myself... really amazing. To receive the clarity of understanding about so many things that it seems I've always known, but hadn't taken out of the box and touched... is a great gift.
Fantasizing pragmatically... I love it!
Defending decisions, though? Hey, I vote for smiling and ignoring the nay-sayers!

Much love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I know that it "feels " confusing to unearth these deep patterns. However, as I read your last post about Twiggy, you are much 'clearer" than you think. You defined very clearly the patterns that you are trying to change.
  The biggest one was that you were a human 'sacrifice'. That was your "reason for being".You were "comfortable" and "knew" that role. You can see how that role does not "fit" anymore but it is very scary to change it b/c it provided away for you to survive.
  Down deep, you may be asking yourself ,'Could I really survive if I am "selfish"?. Selfish is really just what "normal" people do. 'Selfish" is taking care and ownership of what God gave us-- ourselves.
   We are "skewed" and "warped" when we jettison ourselves and become the 'savior" for others.
  This is the skewed pattern. It is very,very hard to get over the taboo on selfishness. If I could wave a magic wand and give up one pattern it would be the one that I feel "bad" about taking care of myself.It is the deepest one.It is the most upsetting one.
It is the most deeply ingrained one
 I think that you identified this pattern( being a sacrifice) very well. I think that if you have gotten to the point where you can EXPRESS it,it is on it's way out.It may take some time,but you have done the hardest part ,which is to face it and express it.
  I think, Amber, that you feel confused inside b/c there IS a lot of jumbled emotions and pain,It is like a ball of yarn.
  We survived by becoming 'tangled" emotionally.It was a defense mechanism. There is no
easy" way to become untangled.
  When you share, others can help you see what you are saying even if you can't see it that well yourself. Keep allowing us to go on the journey with you .I am right behind you with my bags
packed .                 Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I need time to study your new post about Twiggy.On the first reading,it seems like you have made a big breakthrough.
   You have had so much suffering,Amber.I am so very sorry, Amber.
  You sound like such a lovely girl who only wanted a "bit of normality"
   Is your M schizophrenic?
  Ruth sounds like she was trying to help you(not reject you).She never realized ( faced) how bad your M was,I think. 
  What a horrible blow it must have been to have lost her.I think that you should try to find her.
  My Aunt(.my role model) never realized how her sister was.  I was always angry at my Aunt for not helping me. She did not know what I was suffering.
  Maybe I am all wrong about Ruth.Forgive me if I am being insensitive at all.
  I will write tomorrow when I have time to study your new entry                  Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 . I am going to the gym.I tried to print out your posts  to take with me.Most printed--not all.
  Last  night, I  made myself sick. I SAW it  after your posts. Sometimes I can have cocoa at night and it is O.K. Sometimes it makes me feel sick. Last night,I could feel it making me sick but I had it anyway.I wanted to feel as if my M were here taking care of me. However,I saw  the whole pattern  as it was happening. That was b/c of you, Amber, and your courage to share .
  Yesterday,I felt very "alone'. I was exercising and it hit me like a "plank in the head' that I AM alone. I ,always, had so many "ghosts" in my head that I was never alone. My M was always with me. She was always going to take "care of me".
   What I gave up for this fantasy was my "mental health.
  Yesterday, while  I was exercising,I had a strange "spiritual "experience. I saw that I was totally alone. Even my "ideas" about how to "conform" were a lie. I never  took drugs,but it felt like when Cheech and Chong have a drug trip.It seemed like all my "illusions" dropped away. I was alone--- only with God.I felt shaken up,but freer,too.
  I think that lies stripped away for that moment.
  Anyway, my making myself "sick" is a desire to have my M take care of me and a desire NOT TO BE ALONE. I am sure of it ,now.
  I am repeating the trauma when my M left me alone when I was sick or screamed "YOUOOO are not sick until you're hanging over the toilet bowl."This time I  want it to work out 'right
---- that I am a loved and cherished  child . however,.It never gets healed.It just keeps repeating.
  Amber,I really want to study your posts and get back later. Thanks so much for being there.  Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  You seem like you are slowly digging yourself out of the lies.
  I will share what I got from your posts. Compost what does not fit.
   You developed a way to get rewarded and have a "reason to exist". It was sacrificing yourself.
  You sacrificed yourself so thoroughly that you had no(or little self left).. Once you had the pattern of self sacrifice , the other side of the pattern was that you would be rescued from the outside(from your M, H or others). Your part was to sacrifice  yourself . Their part was to rescue you.It was an unwritten agreement..
  Your "version" of love was to "sacrifice "yourself. The outside(other people's) version of love was to "rescue " you.
  You victimized yourself(sacrificed yourself) and that was the WORST of all victimizations.
   Now, you do not have the "know how" to take care of yourself. You are angry that you can't seem to 'be in your own best interest". However,I think that you lost this "tool" when you sacrificed yourself. Now, you are angry at yourself . You don't "have " the tool  available to you at the moment.It is not your fault. .  When you were raped--- you threw away Twiggy. Twiggy became  the "bad" one. Twiggy told the truth. The truth was bad and dangerous so Twiggy was banished.
  Twiggy was like a leader of a country when they have a coup. The leader cannot live in that country anymore or he will be killed. Twiggy was banished from your "'country'( your world and you)
   Twiggy deserved all the hatred for being such a bad liar and making up such bad stories.It was like Snowball in "Animal Farm". Snowball was banished and then ALL the problems were blamed on Snowball.
  You colluded with your M. You had the culprit. Twiggy was the bad one.Now,your M should be your good mother. that was part of the agreement for you.You needed a mother, badly
 You made the 'decision" to be your M's ally. Twiggy was the bad one here. You and Mom could be friends and real mother and daughter now that you got rid of Twiggy.
  When Ruth "rejected "you and you had all that trauma to deal with was when you "threw away "Twiggy. (This happened to me at 14, when my F told me that my M was "fine" and I was imagining that anything was wrong.)
  Your new world had a comfort zone ,now.Everything was going to be all right b/c you and Mom agreed that Ruth and Twiggy were "bad".Your comfort zone  was your hatred and banishment of Twiggy.When you gave Twiggy up, you gave up your power and 'energy" for change. You gave up ever really taking care of yourself, too.(i.e smoking)
  There are two realities for you to chose from now. There is the comfort zone where you have lived for a long time.In it, Twiggy is bad and banished. In it, you have a mother who is "there " for you.(in fantasy) The negatives are that you can't take  care of yourself b/c that was part of Twiggy who you banished. You can't do good things for yourself like art and giving up smoking. Even though this reality has many drawbacks,it was a survival choice and you are "comfortable" with it.It did get you through a terrible childhood into adulthood,in one piece.If you give it up, you will have to face all the pain about Ruth's "rejection. the rape, your M's "craziness etc.
  If you stay in it, you won't have to DIRECTLY face the pain that you pushed away when you pushed Twiggy away.
  The other reality is that you bring back Twiggy. In this reality, you face all the pain about Ruth, the rape, the lies, your F and that you never had a mother to love and nurture you.In this reality you don't have to hurt yourself b/c hurting yourself is part of the OTHER reality. Both realities cannot exist at the same time. THAT is why you are hurting and confused. You are trying to "meld" two separate realities.It is like trying to speak Chinese and English at the same time.It won't work and it will be gibberish. That is what is NOT working about your life.
  The self injury is the old reality and loving yourself is the new reality
  You(we) need a new birth in to the new reality.It does not have to be all at once. What I wrote is just a "map" for the journey. Again,compost what does not fit                    Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  It was a lot of thoughts(on my part). Maybe some do and some don't fit.
  I just had a big insight. You have said it many times,but it just hit me. I always am making myself sick so i can "feel" like I have a M who will come and take care of me. It hit me that I NEVER ,ever had this M--even when I was a baby and a small child. It never ever existed.
  It was a "heart "insight that I wanted to share. What am I holdong on to? It was NEVER there----
                                                                        Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 In trying to help you,I helped myself. Last night,I did not have that cocoa and did not have a stomach ache.I am aware of the "urge" to make myself sick, in some way so I can have that "pattern' where I feel that my M will 'come' and take care of me.
  However,after writing the post to you,I saw what I was saying(lol)
 I saw that ,for me, there WERE two separate worlds. There was the world where my M was 'right" . There is the "world" where my M is wrong. They are opposite ,so both cannot be true.
 I am always in the position to chose one over the other. Last night when I did not have the cocoa ,I chose the world where my M was 'wrong" and I really was valuable. In this world, there was no M to come take care of me and never was--even when I was small.
 I am seeing many more applications to the two "worlds".In the new world ,I cannot control anything.In the old one,if I am only good enough. everyone will like and take care of me.
                                                                                                             Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 I see how I could never outshine my M(too big for your britches).I just realized how I sabotaged  my grades in college b/c I was doing "too well"-. I was afraid of that. Part of the "old world"(my M's world) is not to shine.It is too make myself very little and  insecure.I used to do this when she raged,I was comfortable diminished --not powerful.If I want to make her angry now, the BEST way is to have self esteem the way I did when she totally rejected me.
  When I felt good about  myself-- she was sure to tear it down with some version  of "WHOOO do you think you are?"
 Part of the old world( the programmed world) is that I had to be  little,  insecure,  fearful, , weak etc--then I might be spared .It is the same as you getting happiness, Amber. You were getting too big for your britches.
  I think that we are saying the same thing. Amber.
  There are two different (and separate) life plans. One is the programmed one where we took on the false self for them and threw our inner child away. The other is where our inner child is alive, trusted and we take care of her. This one involves facing the false beliefs that we took on as real when we threw our inner child away. This is the painful part that I am in, now. i am facing just how many false beliefs I took on when I threw away the 'real" me(inner child).

                                                                         Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

I really am seeing that I think that  "hold on" to  self defeating behavior--no mater what it is b/c  I am simply too afraid to let my past go. I can see this  as I am trying to change my ability to "care" for myself  I stayed in the desert for so long b/c I "knew" it and it made "sense'. Also, I had a M there. In the new world,I am alone and "nothing' makes sense( to the old me). Everything is new . All the rules are new, They are as I see them not as I was programmed .YIKES     Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber.
  When I get home from the gym,I will study your posts.I am so happy that we are both getting free.
                                                                                                                Love   ami