Re: Shunned's Tale of Twiggy - Part 1

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  Your progress is so big that I need time to digest it.Maybe when I get back from my trip.Maybe later tonight.
  I think that you had  such amazing insights that I can only face them a little at a time.
  Forgive me if it takes me a while to respond.
  I almost feel in a sense of shock to be facing life as it is without the illusions.
                                                                                        Love to You   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 I can only respond in bits and pieces b/c it is SO big. However,I was thinking about what the "role "entails in my life----what behaviors, feelings .actions etc make up the role.
 I have some and I know that there are many more.
 One is acting like a "flibberty jibbit".My M would always be like a "chicken  without her head". This was her "manner".I guess that she thought that it was winning--bleh. Anyway,I became like that, too. Actually the 'real me' is composed..I can let the flibbrty -jibbit" go with the 'role"
 Part of the" role "was that I could never enjoy anything.I had to punish myself all the time for the crime of "not being good enough" to make it O.K.for her. She still wants this and is angry that I don't make it better for her. She rages about this.
 So,I don't have to punish myself anymore b/c it was part of the role,too.I can enjoy the moment,now. I was looking at my Standard Poodle, Henrietta's, beloved face. I just love that old face . I am just letting myself look at it and think about how beautiful it is to me. That is the type of simple joy I mean.
 One of the biggest parts of the role was FEAR. It was fear to the 100 th power-- mega fear.  That was  part of the role ,too.
  Being dependent on people to define me was part of the role. I had to scurry like a hamster on the wheel so YOU could tell me who I was-..
 Also, not being able  to nurture myself creatively was a part of the role. Now,I am so excited b/c I am going to start learning classical guitar.It has been a dream of mine to be able to take the guitar to nursing homes or other places and bring music.
 Also,I feel like I can play the piano. I deserve the right to beauty. Punishing myself by stopping my creativity was part of the role, too.
  I will write more as I face it . Thanks again, Amber.                  Love    Ami

 
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  After having cocoa and chocolate ice cream tonight(I got a stomach ache after the cocoa), I realized WHY I stay in all the various forms of sickness- emotional and physical. You gave me the clue when you said that your M was C-R-A-Z=Y.
  I realized that I really do not want to face that fact.I am trying to be 'bad' so that I can still keep her 'good" in my mind b/c it is 'mind blowing" to face that she is crazy.
  I still only see this with my head--not really with my heart.
 YIKES. I think that it is a really big thing to accept that you own M is crazy.I think that your mind would go in to all sorts of contortions NOT to accept it. Contortions such as telling you that YOU were crazy---anything but her.
  She is our whole sense of reality. She gave us all our viewpoints and values.It is such a big"shock' to really accept this.
 I would be interested in what you, Amber,or anyone thinks of what I said(about it being a shock that you would do most anything NOT to accept)                                    Ami

I think that this layer of denial is the root to all the rest.If I am going to be whole,I have to accept the reality that she is crazy. Otherwise,I am going to be trying to carry some or all of her craziness on my shoulders so I can still look at her as good--bleh.This is the core and I am only seeing it with my head----not my heart

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I am coming to a deep understanding of WHY I retained any  of the destructive behaviors from the "role". I see that it was all about not wanting to be alone. I would rather be sick, screwed up, self hating etc  JUST not to face that I was alone .I would not face that my M was crazy b/c that would mean(for sure) that I could not count on anyone to be there for me.Since,I had given up my self,i had few inner resources. So,it was a horrible vicious circle. I gave up myself to her(survival). Then ,I had no inner resources. So,I looked to her to give me guidance-bleh.
  Amber----I am seeing ,little by little ,that I would have rather lived with the lie that my M was good so I did not have to be "alone" than face it and realize that I am responsible for everything inside myself(thoughts,feelings, actions)
 This is where I am now. I am not totally well, However,I see the problem and I see the solution. I don't totally "get it" with my heart, though. Maybe,it will take a little more time. Thanks for all your help, Amber                Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber.
  I just read your last post about Twiggy. You sound the strongest and clearest that I have ever heard you. BRAVO-you are doing great.I want to tell you that.
  I wanted to address your post.
  You are letting go of the Role that you were forced to take on. It has the condemning voice in it.I bet that it has other "bad" voices in it ,too. I bet that it has.'WHOOO do you think you are?", 'You don't do anything right.,"etc .
 In the Role are many bad voices,I would think. The Role has s/thing to say 'about everthing" you do,I would think.
   I want to address the doctor issue. The allopathic doctors(by in large) will not listen to even the strongest person when it goes against their agenda. It is not a reflection on you or your ability to stand up for yourself. The way to stand up for yourself (IMO) would be to get a natural health care worker.Also, doctors are being FORCED to change b/c so many people are going to natural health care providers. So, you can "vote' with your pocketbook.
 ANY time I have seen a doctor confronted with natural things, they got hostile.
 So, I think that the doctor was a no-win situation for the strongest person---even another doctor.
    I know what you mean about the Role. Today,I stood firm on s/thing and a depression came over me. The Role's voice was telling me that I was "nasty". I was NOT. I was firm. However, the Role demands submission and subserviience------not strength. The new me needs strength and power.
 I think that we are both making great progress on facing the Role and letting it go. I guess that it is a process-not an immediate thing. We have had it for a long time.
  I think that replacing the Role with our real self will take practice just like practicing an instrument or a language. We  are doing great, Amber,IMO.
                                          Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I hope that you don't mind if I write my current "situation" on your thread. It has to do with letting go of the "Role" so I thought that it was relevant .
  I woke up today ,early, and had a huge revelation( the kind that you have at 5 AM) when you are half asleep I saw that I had  completely rejected myself at a very,very deep level. I saw this fact and I "felt" it,in my heart.
   Last night,I was talking with my S(older) about" power". This seems to be a really big and important subject for abused people b/c we have given ours away. Not having our own power accounts for a lot of our current problems/ Look at Lupita. IMO, not having her power is THE reason the school situation got so out of hand.
  My S works and is in school. He was telling me that work life is all about "power". He was saying that he has gotten much better at asserting his power  and getting respect. There is one girl who is scapegoated at his work. We were talking about why.I guess that she does not know how to use her own power.
  Anyway, Amber,I have had a stomach ache for 3 days.I am facing the last vestige of denial about my M. It is that she is "mentally ill". I really did not want to face it at all. I still don't ,but I must if I am to have any quality of life.
  I see that taking on the "Role' brought with it 'crazy" thinking to the "max". Part of the role is lots and lots of crazy ideas. One is that everyone else is "good" and I am" bad." It is ,also, that there IS a perfect person out there and I am failing b/c I am not perfect. Also, I need to keep looking for the perfect person to  model myself  after  and to give my power to.So,I identified a few "crazy" and sick beliefs,but there are THOUSANDS-.
  There are thousands of "sick" beliefs and I TOOK THEM as 'real" and true. That is why I am so sick now-- emotionally and physically( stomach).
 I am just sitting at the bottom of the mountain of sick beliefs and thinking,"HOW am I going to climb this?". Well,I will just climb it one step at a time.
  So, the "Role" has lots of distorted views on life, ourselves, other people, what is important in life etc.etc.
  I have faced a few distorted beliefs(lies). I know that many  will appear and I will write about them and let them go. Underneath all of this Amber, are two beautiful treasures --us.        Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I am going to come back later and 'digest" and write about your post. I just wanted to say that I do feel "real' when I am sick in any way---stomach etc. WHAT does this mean? I don't really get how it fits in.
   I think that I have an emotional block to seeing it                                Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I feel real when I am sick or hurting in my body. It reminds me of when kids cut themselves. They say that it is to feel real.
   I KNOW that I feel real when I am sick. So, you are saying  this (smoking and sickness) is a time that we can get out of the 'Role"?
  Whatever,it is -----it is some real issue that needs to be addressed. I will ask my inner child and get back  when I get some answers
                                       Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I think that I GOT it. The sickness and smoking is a red flag from our inner child. It is an SOS. It is a scream for help. I feel pretty certain about it.There is a prisoner(our inner child) and it is signalling from deep within where it was pushed away.
 Your post is helping me inch my way  forward.I just got one piece (to the 1000 freakin" ) piece puzzle.
I want to say "bleh" at how big the puzzle is. However, you ,my dear friend just gave me a major piece. My deepest thanks to you, Amber. Keep that head working--girlfriend .              Love  Ami

[Ami]

I am so sorry, Amber. We won't talk about Twiggy anymore  unless you say otherwise. O.K?  I hope that you feel better, dear.                                                  Love    Ami





(((((((((((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Iphi]

I want to thank you for this topic and all the posts on it.  I have been madly busy recently and unable to post much and barely able to keep up in reading.  But I was reading this topic a few days ago and all of a sudden....

I GOT IT! 

Pardon my shouting but - I GOT THE ROLE!! I understand!! I understand the falseness of my Role and suddenly - I get it!!  And I get exactly what you are saying about smoking Shunned - it was an action outside the role!!  It was furtive and it belied aspects of the Role and it acknowledged my feeling of failure - of being flawed and unable to carry of the Role -- to make the Role into reality - which is what I was always trying to do - and also I was always trying to make myself Unreal.  Amy talks about becoming Real and all I was trying to do was turn myself into fiction because my realness is totally intractable.  I can't become the fiction no matter how hard I try.

And I completely get what you are saying about not having parents and covering it up - I did exactly the same thing.  I had this complete facade going and I was trained too, particularly by my grandmother who said to me "You will take care of you father and keep his house and stay home and then one day get married and have children and stay home and keep your husband's house."  And my dad always telling me I was too emotional, illogical, hysterical, putting down everything I did and naming it wrong, abusive names.  The Role that was imposed on me.  But also the Role too is covering up for the complete absolute failure of your parents to do their FUNCTION (not their 'Role') as parents.  And, at least in my case, my dad always took all sorts of credit and notice for being 'super dad' and was a complete NO SHOW as a parent.  He was just in it for himself and the NS.  Part of my Role was to prop up his complete lie.

Thank you so much.  So much.  The Role is a big, big part of what is ruining important aspects of my adult life.  The Role was my path to survival, but the Role has severely impacted my ability to thrive and make the most of life as an individual - especially in being able to do what I love and enjoy what I do.

I don't know when I will get back but wow - I'm so blown away, completely moved.

[Ami]

Dear Iphi,
  I am so,so happy for you. Today,I had a HUGE day too. I think that I became "real"
  Iphi, to see your happiness, today, makes my day joyful. To see that you reclaimed a big part of yourself is such a wonderful   'sight"
 Understanding the role is so "simple", in a way, and so,so hard to get in another way.
  I wish that you would consider , getting the inner child book,"Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul.  Maybe, at some later point when all this has sunk in, you will think about it.
  Under all the 'mess"----is the beautiful ,'real" you. It is a digging expedition(IMO).
   I am so very happy for this step of yours. It is a very BIG one.             Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

No more typecasting for anybody!

xxoo
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  You are making wonderful progress. Your last Twiggy post was the strongest and most "clear" yet.
                                                                            Bravo to you,      Ami
             

[Hopalong]

Hi Amber,
So glad you feel yourself approaching the summing-up. There is so much WHOLE life, WHOLE self ahead for you.

It's also joyful to hear you write of your studio. I hope sometime you can post some photos, if you're willing, of your art. I'd love to see it.

Do you mind telling me what sort of energy-saving blinds you'll be installing? I obsess on these things...

xo,
Hops