So, it's really not my fault?

[Heather]

Seven years ago, my narcissistic mother was being abusive to me over the telephone, and I hung up on her.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

She was not here when I got married, or had my two daughters. She has never had any involvement in their lives. For the last seven years, I have beaten myself up for ruining our relationship, for not being good enough, for being such a loser that even my own mother doesn't love me.

A few months ago, I started seeing a therapist. For the first time, I learned what narcissism is, and that my mother is not capable of really loving me like a parent loves a child.  So, basically, it has just dawned on me that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for her. There is nothing I can do about this. I am really not an oversensitive baby who needs a lot of sympathy, and can't handle anything. I am not ugly or stupid or selfish.

This is very overwhelming for me, because I'm very used to thinking of myself in this negative way. My therapist recommends that I read "Children of the Self Absorbed," and I plan to get that book from the library.

I'm just so thankful to have found this board, and so overwhelmed to find so many other people here who have gone through what I have, and who understand. I thought I was alone. I'm in tears right now 

Heather

[changing]

Hi Heather-

I am saddened by your story and the obvious pain that you feel from being rejected by your NM. Thank goodness that you are an intact and loving person, and can love your own children in a joyful nurturing way. I hope that you feel better and can enjoy a life free of pain and hurt feelings. We have all had our battles here with the devastation that Ns bring to others. Please keep posting!

Love and Hugs,

Changing

[JanetLG]

Heather,

Just about everyone here can relate to your post - it is definitely NOT you that's at fault, but it can take years (as you've found) to realise that. It's your Nmother who's losing out, but she can't see that.

You might like to read my story in the 'Members stories' section of this site, to see what happened to me. I haven't spoken to my N mother or N sister for 13 years, now. It's very hard to do (especially when you have to keep explaining to other people who don't understand) but it does get easier with time.

Keep posting here - there's an awful lot of wisdom on this forum!


Janet

[Leah]

Heather,

Just about everyone here can relate to your post - it is definitely NOT you that's at fault, but it can take years (as you've found) to realise that. It's your Nmother who's losing out, but she can't see that.

You might like to read my story in the 'Members stories' section of this site, to see what happened to me. I haven't spoken to my N mother or N sister for 13 years, now. It's very hard to do (especially when you have to keep explaining to other people who don't understand) but it does get easier with time.

Keep posting here - there's an awful lot of wisdom on this forum!


Janet

Hello Heather,

A very warm welcome to the board.

So many of us here on board will identify with your post. 

Personally, my NMother and NSister in recent years became akin to 'cloned' identical twins!  My NMother took away from me precious years of my life, whilst I walked in angst and heartache wondering why?  Working out how to be accepted and loved.  Which is impossible, as sadly, my understanding now is that my NMother is incapable of giving and receiving, love.

Rejection, Separation and Loss has been an on and off normality throughout my life, having gone back to beg for scraps of affection from the table.   

I can so identify with Janet, as now, I have no contact with my NMother and NSister, for the sake of my health, heart and soul.  Though it has been immensely hard to do, but, I can say with all open honesty that it certainly does get easier in time, more so when the knowledge and understanding of their behaviour, their Nish behaviour, becomes ones firm established foundation along the journey of healing and restoration.

It has been truly difficult for me when I felt that I had to keep explaining to other people who don't understand, despite many exasperating frustrating sessions whist engaged in trying to explain all I have researched, read and learned during the last 4 years!  Indeed, an impossible task!

So today, I don't try to explain myself to anyone at all.

Take your time, as each journey is different, being unique to each individual person, and take good gentle care of yourself along the way - because you are worth it!

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[axa]

You are sooooooooooooo not alone

xxxxxxxxx

axa

[lighter]

((((Heather))))

I can't imagine the sorrow and pain you've lived with.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

You deserved better and your mother couldn't do any better.... she's unable to, or she would.

There's lots of information and support for you here.

Welcome: )

[Ami]

Dear Heather,
   Vaknin's book--Malignant Self Love -- helped me to see that it was NOT my fault with my N mother( somewhat)Having an N mother is like having a continual curse(IMO).It takes time to exorcise her
  I am making progress ,but it simply is a very hurtful thing to have.
  Many people have made much more progress that I have..It is like a rehabilitation process. You get better and better-----a little at a time.
  The board was a life saver for me b/c I had given up.I had no idea what was wrong with my life and me. I thought that I must be the worst person out there . Everyone was telling me,"Just get over it.".I couldn't.I was paralyzed.I could not move in any positive direction.I just "sat" there in 'shock". I had no way to process what my life had become. The board welcomed me and I had friends who understood. This was( and is) the biggest factor for me. When I want to give up,I think of my dear friends on the board and I keep going.
 I can't tell them ,'You don't understand."They do.It is such a comfort to me. Someone understands the "not understandable". Someone understands a mother who would say sick and mean things to a little kid and then smirk at her discomfort. WHO in real life understands( or wants to understand) such pain and sickness.?
  People understand here. You can grow and find out who YOU are. We are precious gifts-- a little dusty and dirty --from N abuse. However, there is a treasure in every one of us-- a unique treasure. I am finding mine.My M was so stupid not to want to have a D's love. She lost out. I am getting myself back--- despite her.                                          Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[enough]

heather, welcome!  one of the biggest eye openers for me was to realise that, no, it really is not my fault.  that is a great awakening and i'm glad you have had it!


leah, my younger brother and our father are also cloned identical twins! i can relate!

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((Heather)))))))))))))

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I thought for years and years and years that I was some sick, demented, lacking person... in spite of what people seemed to think of me. And I felt EVERYTHING was my fault. I felt in the wrong know matter who or what was involved...
No, it's not our fault. We are good people... human and allowed to be imperfect. There is NO MOLD we could fit in to make our NM happy - EVER. Because what she sees in you is actually what she thinks about herself.

I am so glad you are here. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Love, Beth

[Iphi]

(((((((((Heather))))))))))   It's great that you are working with a T who understands this problem and I'm glad you are going to read Children of the Self-Absorbed - that was a very comforting and freeing book for me as I hope it will be for you.  It's been a terrible thing in my adult life to have been taught growing up that I MUST accept abuse and am bad for ever refusing to accept abuse.  What parent teaches that?  Oh yes, an N one.  Looking forward to posting with you in future. 

[Poppy Seed]

Heather,

Welcome to a wonderful place!  I have found such support and help with letting go of toxic beliefs and learning to take my power back. And on my worst days, there is always someone with a hug or a joke!! 

  I spent way too long believing that everything was my fault and that just wasn't happy!!

Looking forward to learning more about you and your insight!!!!

Love and goo,
Poppyseed

PS.  I just looked out my window and it is snowing!  The first of the season!! Love it.  (((((Heather)))))))!

[isittoolate]

Hi Heather

Just reading your post I am wondering about your tears.

Are you crying for YOU without a functioning mother from away back when up to the present?
or
Are you crying for YOUR MOTHER who is 'nothing' and never will be'.
or
For finding out that you did the right thing for you, 7 years ago?

Stay tuned, Stay well
Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, dear Heather.... you're in the right spot here and I am sure you'll benefit from sharing on the board.

It really strikes me how quickly and easily the N's in my life/ family distanced themselves from me when I've said - No more!

About 4 years ago, it was my brother - I "hung up on" his obnoxious emails and not a word since.

My mother... well, she still sends "keeping up appearances" notes via mail, but I don't expect anymore phone calls or visits.

I guess they think that someday we'll *learn our lesson* and return to them - everything back to being just as it was...
but they will just have to dream on, because once the N mask is off, there is no going back (not if you want to remain sane).

Love to you,
Carolyn/ Hope

[Heather]

I'm so awed by the love and support I feel here. I just can't believe all the wonderful responses, all filled with encouragement and understanding! I've never felt so, well, understood before.

Izzy, I think my tears were really a result of being overwhelmed. I had finally realized, after reading people's posts on this board, that I had found people who could relate to what I've gone through. They were tears of relief! That is not to say that I haven't cried many tears of sadness for my lost childhood, and all the major milestones I have gone through without a mother's love and support.

I do realize, however, that I am much healthier and happier without her. Other people do not realize that. I am constantly having to explain why I don't talk to my mother. At my grandmother's funeral, several of my mother's friends came up to me and basically harassed me about why I don't call my "poor mother." I felt so attacked! Of course, I didn't stand up for myself either, because I rarely do. I have been conditioned to believe that if I don't let people dump all over me, they won't like me.

I started seeing my therapist because I'm a stay-at-home mother of two young daughters, and I was burned out and exhausted. I rarely, if ever, did anything for myself (even sleeping). My marriage was suffering, and I was suffering. I thought that a therapist could teach me coping skills for the stress and anxiety I was feeling. After we talked extensively about my childhood, my therapist explained the reason why I feel selfish if I take care of myself. As a child, my mother was cruel to me if I didn't make her the center of my universe. If I ever tried to do something just for myself, she would call me selfish, and wouldn't speak to me for days! I worry that narcissism is genetic, and someday I will turn into my mother. The thought sickens me! I don't want to ever treat my own daughters in this deplorable way.

I'm just curious...are women more prone to narcissism? I seem to read more about narcissistic mothers than anything else on these boards.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who has responded!

Love,
Heather

[JanetLG]

Heather,


There are lots of people here with N mothers, that's true. It may be that, because women are more likely to 'admit' that their parents were N's, that it gets talked about more (men are 'trained' by society to not admit anything 'emotional' is wrong). There are a few men who post here, but it's 98% female here, I think!!

I don't think there's even a remote possibility that you'll ver be an N, actually. For one thing, you are acknowledging when things are wrong in your life(like when you went to your T, feeling overwhelmed). N's don't do that, because they can never admit that ANYTHING could POSSIBLY be wrong with THEM!! You seem far too sensible and level-headed to be an N, to me!

Although it's true that narcissism is often passed down through the generations, that is usually through the N parent making a Golden Child out of one of their children. This child then HAS to stay in that role in order to get the parent's love, so they sacrifice their own identity to do it, and often become an N to the next generation. N's often (but not always) target children of the same gender as them, as they 'reflect' easier. From what you've said of your childhood, that didn't happen to you.

My sister if our family's Golden Child. I'd hate to be her!

The published statistics claim that 72% of N's are male, but as you've said, on this forum, most N's that are talked about are mothers. Part of this discrepancy can be put down to the Bad Mommy Taboo (where it's socially unacceptable to question the angelic-like role of mothers), but the other part of it is that the stats are compiled by psychiatrists and psychologists, from the people who they see in counselling. Men make up a larger proportion of those. That's often because they get referred against their will, once they become tied up with the Criminal Justice System, having committed crimes and been caught. Women who transgress the law often don't get medical treatment prescribed as part of their 'sentence'. They just get locked up for being 'bad'. So, the figures are skewed, IMO.


Janet