What to do, what to do?????

[Learning]

Hi Seeker,

I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable when writing about my perception of you.  That wasn't my intention.  I was trying to take a look at why I shy away from people who act caringly towards me.  This is probably something I need to talk to a therapist about.  

And Learning, thank you for the kind words, esp. about my writing. (Sorry I didn't mention that before!) My dream is to become a writer, but I'm still figuring out my niche. I like your name because I prefer to keep learning vs. posing as a I Already Know Everything type. So much more fun...

I hope that you find what you want to do with your writing.  I think you will do great.

I think the name 'Seeker' is alot like 'Learning'.  I hope that I am both a seeker and a learner.  They seem to go hand in hand.  Of course, each of us has our own variety of things we have already learned and it is good to share that with everyone.  Perhaps finding the balance between learning and teaching is the state I am striving for.  Ahhh, but I digress    .  I do thank you for sharing what you have learned with me.  You have been very helpful.

Take Care Seeker!

[Anonymous]

Hello Learning (& all),

Sorry I didn't reply before now.  It's been really busy and I haven't had a chance to catch up with a lot of the discussions going on.  No, no! you didn't put me off.  It was kind of interesting to note both your response and mine.  I think it's a good thing that we are looking closely at how we respond and thinking about it.  That's how I took it...

Lately I feel like I have been peeling back the layers of "stuff" that have been piled on over the years, trying to figure out if the stuff is my skin (me) or a wart that needs to be removed!  If it leaves a scar, that's okay.  My latest analogy is that "distressed" furniture is more interesting than brand new...

I tend to shy away also, from just about everyone.  Sometimes I marvel that my husband fell in love with me.   I just read an article about "shame-based" people thinking they deserve or expect rejection, not because they did anything wrong but because it would be a mistake to love what is not lovable.  In other words, we may think we are unlovable because we haven't been loved before.  So when someone starts loving us, we think "boy, are you making a mistake!"  So I gotta start loving myself before I can accept it from someone else.  It is pretty foreign to me at times when I am actively working on it.

I guess I had to write that because I just recently saw my N in a full state of Nness and vulnerability and I thought about how it must have been with him acting that way when I was a child.  Kind of a less charming version of the movie "Big" with a little boy living in a grownups body, but having family responsibilities he couldn't handle, but pretended to.  It gave me a big headache although I give myself big brownie points for surviving it somehow.  Well, gotta go.  

Peace to you all, Seeker

[Learning]

Hi Seeker,

It's good to hear your voice.

[quotehad a good weekend.]No, no! you didn't put me off. It was kind of interesting to note both your response and mine. I think it's a good thing that we are looking closely at how we respond and thinking about it.[/quote]

I'm relieved to hear you say that!

Lately I feel like I have been peeling back the layers of "stuff" that have been piled on over the years, trying to figure out if the stuff is my skin (me) or a wart that needs to be removed! If it leaves a scar, that's okay.

Wow...yes, is it a wart or the real you...that is a great way to say it, Seeker.  I also like that you put into words that removing the warts may leave a scar and that THATS OK!!!  That is really liberating.  So often I feel such fear about discovering my "warts" and about what to do about them.  I guess that comes from me defining these "warts" as bad and therefore I feel ashamed of them.  I am trying to redefine my thinking to something more like, "my warts are not good or bad, they just are...and they are there for a reason, but that reason no longer exists so now I should dispose of them."  I'm working on that one.

I also like your furniture analogy.  It's true!

In other words, we may think we are unlovable because we haven't been loved before. So when someone starts loving us, we think "boy, are you making a mistake!" So I gotta start loving myself before I can accept it from someone else. It is pretty foreign to me at times when I am actively working on it.

Yes, yes, they must be making a mistake.  I must be fooling them.  And I become so ever more voiceless...trying to be the person I think they want me to be.  And then, they don't respond the same way to me anymore and I assume it is because they have realized their mistake.   And alas I feel I was right, I am unlovable.  Now I am beginning to realize that I haven't been "myself" with anyone but my H and kids.  And even then I lose my "voice" at times.  It is all so exhausting... and my goal is to find my voice and keep it at all times   .

I am glad you found your husband and I am proud of him for recognizing how lovable you are.     I bet he also marvels at his good fortune in finding you.  I don't really know if I am shy or not.  If you met me you would probably say that I am not, but I think that I am "outgoing" in superficial ways.  Maybe it is an act, to get my father's approval.  He used to tell me that I didn't know how to talk to people.  I don't think I share myself with others very well.  But I don't really know...this is one of the things I want to understand better about myself.

I am also trying to learn how to love myself better.  One of my biggest motivators about this is my daughters.  I see the 4 year old modeling me so much and I don't want her to grow up and feel about herself the way I feel about myself.  It is a big worry of mine.  Seeker, have you had any experience with this?

Seeker, I'm sorry to hear about your N and your childhood.  It can seem so unfair that you were not taken care of the way you deserved to be.  I like that you said that you survived it somehow.  You did and you are a stronger, wiser person for it.  And you are using this to help others here at this forum (and mayble elsewhere ) ...perhaps this is the reason for it all...

And you are still dealing with your N.  Do you want to talk about details about the latest episode?  I'd love to be a sounding board for you(and I'm sure other people here would too).

Bless You,