Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with an N

[Bella_French]

i just stumbled across this book at Amazon today, which appears to be written by the author of ``children of the self absorbed' (which is supposedly a very good book).

The title is: ``Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner '' by Nina W. Brown

Has anyone read it or have any opinions about it? The reviews at Amazon ranged from outrage, to people in denial who welcomed it, to N's who thought it was great, to general reviewers who thought it was helpful in some ways.

On the surface, I'm thinking this is an irresponsible book, trying to capitalize off victims of N-abuse who are at that phase where they have become aware of NPD, but wish to cling onto denial because separation is so hard. I remember that phase well, and the last thing I would have needed is an excuse to avoid reclaiming my life.

What do you guys think? I'd love hear some other opinions about this.

X Bella

[JanetLG]

Bella,

Although I think Children of the Self Absorbed is a great book, this one (although I haven't read it) sounds a bit like an author cashing in on the previous readership, to get more sales (i.e. from the ones in denial). The idea in the title is flawed, IMO - if you're with an N partner, there's no future for you unless you get out. Trying to keep any kind of relationship going has to be at YOUR expense (I know, I tried that one for 6 years). It doesn't work, you just end up colluding in the grinding into the dust of your own self-esteem. Trying to make it work just prolongs the time when you have to get away, and makes it harder.

What on earth is her idea of a 'more satisfying relationship'? One where you're not hit so much? Not vilified so much? Not humiliated so much? Not mentally abused so much?

Sorry, don't understand !


Janet

[changing]

Janet and Bella-

I haven't read the book either- maybe it just has one page which says in large bold letters "Stop all contact with Ns immediately !!"

Maybe its a joke book?!?!?

Love,

Changing

[tayana]

I've heard of the book, but I haven't read it.  I just want to know, why would you want to?

[changing]

Is there such a thing as an N partner?

[Poppy Seed]

I have no idea how a marriage can survive if one person is an N and the other person is committed to truth and health.  I see my Fil and wonder how he manages his marriage (which feels so perfect, frankly).  I have decided that he must have bought into the "Truman Show" qualities and I am sure he must be codep, and not very emotionally aware within himself.  I think there is a whole lot of denial.  He has been in fetters for much of the marriage.....and gladly sacrifices expressions of himself for her.  Lately, I see him push back and stand up for himself.  Which I think is long overdue.  Other than that, I have no idea how they manage it.  I don't think she (NMil) is overtly abusive.  I think she is perhaps atypical in that she is so profoundly afraid that she can't allow herself any overt action -- unless she is absolutely safe to do so.

I wonder if this book's only redeeming quality would be to pull coping strategies for dealing with N's that a person is not able or willing to severe contact with.  

I must admit.....it would be a skeptical read.

Poppy

[gratitude28]

Bella,
I go back and forth with this idea too. There is a website, too, comparing Ns to six-year olds. In it, is says that they are not all bad - they can be fun in ways others aren't, spontaneous, etc. I thought about this, but, I have to say... in light of the fact that my mother does exactly what she wants all the time and has no care for anyone else int he world, I have no great desire to have a relationship with her. I don't wish good for her. I don't wish happiness for her. I tried to do all these things because I need to erase anger and meanness in my life. But there are many times that I wish she would just have something awful happen to her. She deserves it. Is that cruel, or what??? And it is now like me, but that is how I am feeling right now.
I don't think I have any desire to have a sweet relationship with the woman who was responsible for making me into a self-hating person.
Interesting topic, Bella.
Love, beth

[sally]

I think its really helpful to remember that every person who is dealing with an N in her life is not able to go NC.

I agree, CB.

I have this book, but I'm not sure I read all of it; I've read so many, so they blur.

But, I think CB is correct:  The book tells you how to co-exist w/Ns (use boundaries, etc) because not everyone can or wants to go NC.

sally

[sally]

Hi Beth,

I go back and forth with this idea too.

I understand that it's a hard decision to make, so why not experiment a bit?  Perhaps read this Nina Brown book, see what she suggests and then experiment a bit by withdrawing from your NPs/NM/N FOO and see how it feels.

You don't have to go NC cold turkey all at once.

Best to you,
Love,
sally

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 I never heard you sound so 'real" with your anger toward your M.I think that anger is a good stage(I am in it now) b/c prior to anger is depression( where we take all the blame on ourselves  like they taught us to)--bleh                      Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

Thankyou everyone for replying! I'm glad so many of you find the title of this book ridiculous too (and thanks for the humorous replies:)

I can believe that the content could be inadvertently helpful for setting boundaries with N-bosses and N's who we have to be  around temporarily. That makes sense to me, although the title really lets it down in terms of credibility and appeal..

 `Loving the self absorbed'- how to create a more satisfying relationship with a Naricssist partner' definitely implies that its possible to give your heart romantically to an N, and that it can be `satisfying'. lol.

X Bella

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((Thanks Ami)))))))))))

I think I am feeling a bit raw... and, you are right, it must be time to deal with something regarding my NM.

((((()))))))))))

Love, Beth

[sally]

`Loving the self absorbed'- how to create a more satisfying relationship with a Naricssist partner' definitely implies that its possible to give your heart romantically to an N, and that it can be `satisfying'. lol.

Hi Bella,

I don't read it that way, because that interpretation, as you have shown, is ridiculous.

I read it as how to deal with Ns so that they do not drive you crazy.  The satisfaction is that you can deal w/ an N (using boundaries, distancing yourself) and still retain your self esteem and sanity.

love,
sally

[tayana]

In it, is says that they are not all bad - they can be fun in ways others aren't, spontaneous, etc. I thought about this, but, I have to say... in light of the fact that my mother does exactly what she wants all the time and has no care for anyone else int he world, I have no great desire to have a relationship with her. I don't wish good for her. I don't wish happiness for her. I tried to do all these things because I need to erase anger and meanness in my life. But there are many times that I wish she would just have something awful happen to her. She deserves it. Is that cruel, or what???

Beth, I know just what you mean, and I can really empathize with this.  I've talked about the guilt I have over this very issue with my T a lot.  I think it's awful that I can't feel about my mom, the way other people feel about their parents.  The truth is, that I wish she would get on with the process of dying, so maybe the rest of us could have peace.   She says she's so ill, and that her doctor has only given her a couple of years to live.  She acts like she's dead now.  I feel so terrible about that.  I'm so glad that I'm not the only one.  ((((beth))))

[Bella_French]

Bella,
I go back and forth with this idea too. There is a website, too, comparing Ns to six-year olds. In it, is says that they are not all bad - they can be fun in ways others aren't, spontaneous, etc. I thought about this, but, I have to say... in light of the fact that my mother does exactly what she wants all the time and has no care for anyone else int he world, I have no great desire to have a relationship with her. I don't wish good for her. I don't wish happiness for her. I tried to do all these things because I need to erase anger and meanness in my life. But there are many times that I wish she would just have something awful happen to her. She deserves it. Is that cruel, or what??? And it is now like me, but that is how I am feeling right now.
I don't think I have any desire to have a sweet relationship with the woman who was responsible for making me into a self-hating person.
Interesting topic, Bella.
Love, beth

Dear Beth,

I'm sorry that you're hurting today; I can totally understand your feelings about your mother, and how this topic could be triggering.

I feel that I have very good boundaries with N's now (sadly, from too much exposure to them)  and I mostly know how to stay a step ahead and avoid abuse from them.

But it is not satisfying to me in any way to lie, manipulate, or `be fake', and thats what it takes to have boundaries with N's. I think that Sam Vaknin is correct in suggesting that people who do this on a regular basis become N's themselves.

I think we all have choices about who we want to become and who we want as partners, even when they are hard to make. I'd prefer to be around good people, where I can be me, instead of cultivating a nature that I do not want to have. How can being like an N, promote self esteem?

Anyway, sorry for the rant:) i guess the title of that book is ridiculous and triggering to me too.

X Bella