Returned mother's day card

[Michelle]

Well, I got the mail today and guess what should be in it but a note from dear old mom.   Not only a beautiful, empathetic, endearing   note - but a little "something extra" for me as well.  The mother's day card I sent her.  I chose a shoebox greeting (humor) this year b/c I didn't want to be a liar and send a sappy one to her when I don't mean a word of it.  Here's her note:

Michelle, After receiving the card today that you sent me for Mother's Day I thought I'd send a note to you to ask you what I've done to you to make you so mad at me?  If sending your mother a card like this makes you happy then maybe you need to be praying about what is bothering you.  It certainly hurt my feelings  and let me know that for some reason you must be angry at me.  Michelle I'd like to know what is going on with you?  I try to call and talk to you but after you tell me numerous times that you really don't have time for me it hurts me so besides that I'm not going to beg you to answer my calls.  You will have to live with the way you are treating me.  Patricia (my aunt) told me that you said I never ask about you when I call and you know I always want to know if you are allright and how you are.  Are you mad because I love your children so much?  If this is true then you need to pray about it.  I'm going to be praying for you and I really hope whatever is bothering you will be worked out.  Life is way too short to be letting anything get between us like this.  I can't believe you get mad at me for calling and checking on you too much.  I know raising a family is a big job and sometimes leaves you exhausted but you hurt my feelings when I call you and you tell me that you don't have time for me.  I'll leave you alone, but just remember that I do love you and when and if you ever realize this I'll be here for you.  Love mama.  Ps - I'm sending back this card because to me mother's day shouldn't be considered a "joke".  Some people would give anything to have a mama that loves them.

I took this letter to my counseling session yesterday.  She said that it looks like my attempt at finding a "middle ground" with her isn't working too well.  She said that until my mother sees that she needs to change (in reality, it will probably never happen) she will continue to play this sick sick game with me.  She said I have to decide what I am comfortable with.  Well, I am not comfortable with any of this.  I HATE my mother right now.  She is a selfish, mean bitch.  While I am feeling angry, I think I will let her know what I think of her.

Dear moma,
I got your note in the mail along with the mother's day card that I sent you.  I just wanted to tell you that you are a mean, selfish bitch and I hate your guts.  The way I see it, you should be lucky that you got the 99c card that I sent you.  You didn't even deserve that.  Oops, did I say that out loud?  I guess I am the awful daughter that you always say I am.  I guess that I have "changed" as you so graciously have told me over and over and over again the last few years since I have been CHALLENGING YOUR INADEQUATE AUTHORITY.  Who the hell do you think you are?  The air that you breathe is wasted on you.  I appreciate your many references to prayer since you have been to church about ummmmmmmm 3 times in your life.  And when you were attending church, you were also banging the local electrician at the motel 6 and dragging all 3 of your children along with you on your "affairs".  Don't forget to mention THAT part to God.  I'm sure he hasn't forgotten it.  Oh, but your right you are such a good mother and "some people would give anything to have a moma that loves them".  You have shown that love in so many ways, haven't you?  Like how you would hit michael on the head and call him a son of a bitch (hmmmm...isn't he YOUR son?) or how you would always make fun of how I looked because my "chest" was so small?  Or how you would never come to any of my events at school because you had a headache?  Or how you hate my husband because he "took me away from you?"  Oh you are a sick twisted person.  you need some major help and much much more than i can give you.  So you know what?  You just live in your little sick world.  You just get off on thinking the world is against you and that you are the perfect queen of the universe.  More power to you.  I'm sick of this shit.  I'm sick of letting you tell me how to feel.  I HAVE changed.  Hear that bitch?  You heard it.  I HAVE changed.  and i won't let you get to me anymore.  Take your crap and shove it down your own throat.  I'm done.

Hope YOU can live with ruining your children's lives.

michelle

[Anonymous]

I thought I'd send a note to you to ask you what I've done to you to make you so mad at me? If sending your mother a card like this makes you happy then maybe you need to be praying about what is bothering you. It certainly hurt my feelings and let me know that for some reason you must be angry at me. Michelle I'd like to know what is going on with you? I try to call and talk to you but after you tell me numerous times that you really don't have time for me it hurts

Michelle, that sounds so so so much like my dad.. ! I think this is her shrewd way of working on your psyche..don't let her get her way. She will learn ( if anything ) at her own pace, and not at your cost or your childrens. Its so amusing how much some people would go to get what they wan't.. I feel sad for such people.. but no point in showing pity. Taking care of yourself is the key.. !

If this is true then you need to pray about it. I'm going to be praying for you and I really hope whatever is bothering you will be worked out. Life is way too short to be letting anything get between us like this. I can't believe you get mad at me for calling and checking on you too much.

That is frighteningly similar again. It is almost as if I am reading a mail from my dad ! His oneliner at the end of his standard letters is classic too !
"If for any reasons you think I have hurt you in anyway.. please forgive me.. don't let that dark cloud that is blocking you from loving me get its own way " Oh bother.. my therapist would be amused to know what my dad calls him .. dark cloud ! lol

Note again he would say "if you think that I hurt you in anyway " and not " if I have hurt you in any way " hahahaha

Or how you hate my husband because he "took me away from you?" Oh you are a sick twisted person. you need some major help and much much more than i can give you. So you know what? You just live in your little sick world. You just get off on thinking the world is against you and that you are the perfect queen of the universe. More power to you. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of letting you tell me how to feel

She is telling you how to feel ? That would be like learning from an elephant how to fly !

You certainly wrote an excellent reply to her email ( even though it is only here ) but it was YOU who is speaking..congrats ! You are finding your voice Michelle.. keep going !

spirit

[seeker]

Woooooweeeee, Michelle!

Shields up!  Lasers on "stun".  


I read your "mother's" note twice.  The first time I read for content, the usual.  Then I read it again thinking this is what someone writes who is trying to create a certain image or fantasy in her head.  She is delusional and lying to herself.  She probably really believes all the crap she is writing.  You really got to her, because look at how long the note is!  Otherwise she wouldn't be able to begin to live with the guilt and shame of all the crimes she committed.  Wow.

You have some really valid points in your cathartic rant (hope you don't mind me calling it that).  Just a suggestion: maybe edit this letter to your mom by taking out the expressions of anger (valid as it is!!!) and boil it down to YOUR truth.  As factual and matter-of-fact as possible.  When I got to the point where I could deal with talking or thinking about the sicko in my life without anger, I felt way more comfortable and in control of myself.  I could express my side without concern that I would alarm people (not that you did that here).  I was less hooked into reacting to whatever BS was coming my way...it made me feel much stronger.  

Don't get me wrong.  Your anger is valid and necessary.  I would feel exactly the same way (and have until I starting throwing the cards out).  Hopefully soon you will have the power to not let her get to you.  Imagine how angry she was to get a card that didn't fit her illusion.  Don't get caught up in the retaliation game.  That is supply also.  You don't have to explain yourself, convince anyone, etc.  Unplug.   Game over.

Burn the card, rip it, shred it, flush it.  Don't give it power.  The more you fight something, the more power you give it.  Go hug your kids and pat yourself on the back for seeing what the hell is going on with her.  

Hope this is helpful to you.  Best, Seeker

[seeker]

Hey Michelle,

Seeker again.  Just want to add that I am not suggesting you SEND an edited letter to your mother.  Just that it helped me to write and clarify my position to myself.  It helped me to edit the "self-talk" in my head from an angry voice to a factual voice about events that happened and how sick (in the true sense of the word) my NSIL is.  

Over and out!

[Anonymous]

Michelle,

I'm really sorry about your mother's ugly letter and return of your card. Probably it's best to have very little communication with her even on mother's day. She won't ever be in "reality" as we know it. Probably she is crazy. Your truthful letter to her would have no effect except to generate ANOTHER vicious letter back to you. I'd avoid that route. But I'm glad you posted it here.

bunny

[Michelle]

Hi everyone  

Well, let's see.  A few posts ago I think I talked about feeling like my volcano was getting ready to explode.  I guess that's what this post was.  My counselor warned me about it and said that it would be a good thing when it happened.  I have mixed feelings though.  It was a HUGE relief to just type out those raw feelings without even thinking about it.  However, looking at it now (a few hours later - calmed down - in my "normal" state of mind) I have to admit I feel embarrassed and very childish and immature.  Maybe that's just my "trained" state of mind perfectly created by my mother.  who knows?  I appreciate everyone's comments.  

Spirit:  

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this same type of behavior from your dad.  It just plain sucks and I feel for you.  

You certainly wrote an excellent reply to her email ( even though it is only here ) but it was YOU who is speaking..congrats ! You are finding your voice Michelle.. keep going !

Thanks for that encouragement.  I really do feel like I "tapped into" something.  Just trying to finish figuring out exactly what it was.  

Seeker:  

Thanks for the advice on the "factual" aspect of my feelings.  You are absolutely right.  I guess I just have to kind of trod through all this anger.  My counselor said right now that is the biggest thing I need to work on:  figuring out how to "feel" my feelings b/c they have been repressed for so long.  Sometimes, i don't even know how I feel.  Sad, really.  I'm sure she will throw a party when she finds out that I went off.   I do hope to get to the factual stage at some point.  Personally I think I will enjoy it more than the "so mad as hell that my eyes are gonna pop out" stage.  LOVED the idea about burning, ripping, shredding the card.  I think that would provide some great closure and keep me focused that I am the one in control here, not her.

Bunny -

Thanks for the support.  I'm not going to send the letter.  I really just typed it all out in rage.  I am going to print it off for my counselor to read, but other than that - it stays in here.  




Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here.  Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her?  How do you get all that yuck out and move on?  Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?  

Thanks again guys.  You all mean alot to me.

Michelle

[Ishana]

Michelle,

I think it's great that you expressed your true feelings.  It makes sense that you are angry.  I can SO relate to what happened to you.  It is such a sense of violation.  

The truth is that you can't change your Mom.  And, no one will rescue you from your anger and pain...except yourself.  Which you are doing...and I applaud you!

I think your process, as hard as it is, is necessary.  Keep up the good work.

Ishana

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here.  Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her?  How do you get all that yuck out and move on?  Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?

You're just learning how to own and express true feelings. So at first it might be awkward and ungainly. With practice, feelings of rage will only last a short time and you'll de-escalate pretty rapidly. Therapy helps us learn ways to manage and express emotions in a more productive way (not like an impulsive N) and you're already on that road.

bunny

[Dawning]

Michelle, I am in a similar place I think.  Having drawn back from my mother as of last March in response to her crazy-making.  In fact, I am flying back to the states next week for a reunion and I am not telling anyone in my family.  

The overall tone of your mother's letter is that YOU have done something WRONG.  If she is like my mother, they will keep doing this as it has worked in the past and they have succeeded cause we were "their" children then and they could get away with it.  They only do it to WIN.  I don't know why my mother chooses the need to win over a healthy relationship but I don't HAVE TO  play the game anymore so I am drawing back.   I also wrote my mother a letter and I edited it at least 10 times -unsent.  I started the Standing Up to an N thread to get some feedback including whether I should send that LONG letter.  I am glad that YOU posted your letter here.  

Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here. Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her? How do you get all that yuck out and move on? Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?

Yup - in the past - ALOT.   I have asked for forgiveness from people I lashed out at back in those days.  Recently, I count on various "therapies" I have created for myself to help me deal with the anger.  But I am not afraid of my anger anymore.  It is controlled anger now.  Really, there are no "supposed to do" anythings.  Here is a simple way I look at it: when I feel angry, I decided what to do with it - transform it and/or let it go.  Recently, transforming it - then letting it go -if it wants to go - has worked.  If the anger comes back and I feel the same way then I recognize it as coming from a deeper place.  I would talk to my therapist about that.  For me, the key has been to not run away from it as I did for a very long time.  Referring to the problem of voicelessness has been a tremendous help because - the meaning of the word itself - has allowed me to tap into anger I had even as a baby.  The sooner I recognize that anger is still held in my body, the sooner I can get rid of it.  Riding my bike in the park before the sun set helps at the moment.　　Maybe you could find something you like doing - that makes you feel good, peaceful and relaxed in order to help you tune in to your anger and give it an expression that you can live with.  That's taking back control from the N parents.  Or at least it feels so to me.  To me, anger makes me feel aggressive so - whatever I do to transform the anger when I feel it - has to be aggressive - riding a bike, working out with weights, any physical activity...yoga.  Or even getting a massage.  Others I can think of but have not tried: punching bag and kick boxing.

[October]

Hiya Michelle

I read your mother's letter to you, and your hypothetical reply to her, and I loved every word of it.  I think your mum will regret sending you that letter for one very important reason.  Ns can't help letting out information about their world view, because it is all that they have, and every time they put pen to paper they betray the intensity of their own feelings, which are nothing to do with love, and everything to do with a kind of vampirism.

My mum would never write anything like that, and in a way I wish she would, because it might give me a road to reach her by, eventually.  She uses passive aggression for everything she doesn't like, and there is just no way through it.  I never send her loving cards, of the kind she would like.  I spend ages having a laugh to myself at the mothers day cards, thinking, good grief!!!!!!  I always sign 'with love', but that is my own kind, not hers, and I always think 'tough love', as I write it.  I am not going to deny that I love my mother, because I can't help it.  I wish I could.  But at the same time I hate  her for what she has done to the whole family, and what she continues to do.  She is like a great big spider at the middle of a web, and my brothers and myself and my nephews are all caught in the web, and she sucks us dry.  Sorry, that is a horrible metaphor, but it feels so true.

I think I would be tempted now to find an even funnier card, perhaps one with slightly vulgar humour in it, and send it to your mother.  One thing Ns can't stand is to be laughed at.  It seems to be the one emotion they cannot feed off.  They can laugh at other people in a really nasty way, but they can't take even gentle humour back.  Lol!!!  It is how we know we are 'human'.  We have the ability to see the dark side, and laugh, even at ourselves.

Hugs

Cathy

[Portia]

Hiya Michelle, wow, good on ya! But you said later:

I have to admit I feel embarrassed and very childish and immature.

That’s okay to feel like that. It’s good to feel, and be, childish at some point in our lives isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being childish for us, in fact we probably have to do it, go through childhood again, I think. But as thinking, considering, learning adults. Give yourself permission to be childish sometimes? It’s amazing how seemingly small things – like a good rage – can have such huge effects on us. Change us for the better. Wondrous!

Bunny said:

With practice, feelings of rage will only last a short time and you'll de-escalate pretty rapidly.

I think I’m finding this to be true. But 'with practice' taken as meaning naturally, over time, not as a deliberate effort as it were. A year ago I was raging and raging. Really angry, for hours, overnight, through the next day. It took some specific ‘eye-opening’ events to cause that rage (like the letter you received perhaps). And then one event just blew me over the top – sort of shocked me out of rage into seeing mother as an outsider might. And then another event soon after shocked me into realising there’s nothing I can do about her, only about me. I still raged but the rages didn’t last so long and now – rage has been almost replaced by disbelief, wonder at the things she says, does, amazement and sure, some anger, but not much. I can say somehow it feels as though I don’t take it so personally any more. It’s like she’s really not doing it to me, she’s doing it to herself. Lots of shaking head emoticons.

What happens with our anger? For me it all has to come out. And it has, over a year (or more). Loads of it! In journaling, here on the board (straight at some other members sometimes!   Sorry…), and also through finding that ‘voice’. And I cried the anger out, just let it run its course until I become fed up with raging, too tired for it. It’s okay, you can get rid of it however you want to, there are no right or wrong ways so long as they help you and don’t harm anyone else. And if you can, try to trust your own instincts sometimes too.

It’s great to see you angry Michelle. I mean that, I really do, it can only get better now!   P

PS Cathy, ain’t that so, so true, about humour.
PPS Michelle, she dragged her children – you - along on her affairs?????!!!!!?????

[Michelle]

A weird thing happened to me for the first time this morning.  I don't know how significant it is, or if it is significant at all, but I will share it.  Usually after I "hurt" my mother, the past pattern is that I wake up the day after feeling like shit.  I take a shower, my guilt gets to me and I end up calling or writing that day apologizing (although I have never figured out exactly what I am apologizing for.....I guess for being the "bad" kid that she says I am).  I guess it has always felt like it made things better b/c my world with my mother was at peace again.  My counselor said in the last session that I have always been a "good little girl" and still am.  She explained that that is part of the reason why she thinks I am having such a hard time breaking that hold that my mother has on me.  She likened it to a child that has been offered a soggy potato chip.  The child's thinking would probably be:  "Well, better a soggy potato chip than none at all".  I guess in my mind I think "Well, better a nutso mother than none at all".  That seems so so so messed up to me but I know it is true.  I have gotten to the point now that I don't want it to be true anymore.  I don't want to play this messed up game anymore.  I am tired of being hurt and controlled by her.  

It was this morning that the significant thing happened.  I went to bed last night kind of worrying about the post yesterday where I wrote that note to my mother.  I kept thinking about it floating out here for everyone to read at anytime and thinking "what a horrible person....you don't love your mother?  You must be a rotten kid".  Then I realized it.  I have never come face to face with this before.  Oh my god!!!!!!!!!  That is my mother saying that to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All those bad things that I hear in my head about myself are her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have just felt them for so long that they feel like I am saying it to myself or that it is in "reality" what someone is feeling about me.  NOT SO!!!!!!  She has trained me for so long that it is her nasty, condescending, negative voice in my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And I have to add.....this morning I feel like a butterfly coming out of a cramped, moldy cocoon.  I feel like I have found a nugget of gold in a goldmine.  I guess now I have to figure out how to "retrain" my brain to think good things about me instead of what she has made me believe all these years.  

THAT IS INVIGORATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't have to feel bad for my feelings.  I don't have to offer an excuse or justify my letter to her.  IT IS VALID for me to feel this way about her.  Wow.  I feel like my first shackle has been broken.  wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!  I am excited about my journey for the first time since I started goin g to therapy.  


Ishana -

And, no one will rescue you from your anger and pain...except yourself. Which you are doing...and I applaud you! I think your process, as hard as it is, is necessary. Keep up the good work.

Thanks so much for saying that.  I have just begun to realize that it is my job to save myself.  That has been a hard one for me.  It is also get my "process" confirmed by everyone.  This is all so new to me.  Scary, but liberating at the same time in a strange way.


Bunny -
Thanks for the view of what's to come.....about the rage only lasting a short time and de-escalating.  That is good to know.  I was hoping that this wouldn't last forever.  It is exhausting.  I woke up today tired from being so PO'd yesterday!  


Dawning -
I went back and read your other post that you talked about.  It offered lots of insight.  Thanks for mentioning that.  It makes me sick to realize that my mother is truly this way.  I think that has been a little of the problem....I've always made excuses for her.  I've always given her the benefit of the doubt....."well she had such a rough childhood...what do you expect"  or "she has it rough with the 3 of us kids...we're so hard to take care of".  Boy, I just realized again - THAT IS HER VOICE, NOT MINE!  oh my god........whew.  Thanks for the ideas on "therapies".  that's a great idea.  I have already started thinking of a few of my own.  I love the kick boxing idea.  I have a great picture of my mom's face closeup that I could blow up and paste and WHAMMMMMMMMMM boot right to the old teeth.  ha ha.


Cathy-

I think your mum will regret sending you that letter for one very important reason. Ns can't help letting out information about their world view, because it is all that they have, and every time they put pen to paper they betray the intensity of their own feelings, which are nothing to do with love, and everything to do with a kind of vampirism.

Wow!  I never thought about it that way.  She does have a hard time keeping information in....I always have to hear about her latest trip to wal-mart, or how she had a horrible boil on her foot, or blah blah blah.  get a life!  And vampirism?  Hmmmmmm....I'll have to ponder on that one.  That's a great analogy.  Thanks Cathy.

She is like a great big spider at the middle of a web, and my brothers and myself and my nephews are all caught in the web, and she sucks us dry. Sorry, that is a horrible metaphor, but it feels so true.

 
Again, I can totally understand this one.  It does feel EXACTLY that way.  I hate it.  You made a great point about "loving" your mother.  And honestly, this is how I feel......I don't think I love her.  I have tried to really figure this part out.  I think I "love" her God-given role as mother.  I have actually gotten pretty skilled at convincing myself that it wasn't as bad as it could've been.  YUCK.  But I don't think I love her as a person at all.  In fact, I hate her I think.  It is so hard for me to admit that but it's true.  I think I love the person that I have made myself believe that she is.  Kind of the "pretend" mother that I created to get through the rough times.  She is not that mother though.  I think that hate that I feel for her is helping me to draw an even deeper boundary line with her than if I had any deep feelings of love or compassion for her.  She has chewed those up long long ago.  

I LOVE the idea about sending a funnier card.  Could I really do that?  What a slap in the face but I would love it!  Your right, it would totally piss her off.


Hi Portia -

It’s good to feel, and be, childish at some point in our lives isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being childish for us, in fact we probably have to do it, go through childhood again, I think. But as thinking, considering, learning adults. Give yourself permission to be childish sometimes? It’s amazing how seemingly small things – like a good rage – can have such huge effects on us. Change us for the better. Wondrous!

Your right.  It is good to feel childish.  I guess I have always been so "grown up" that it is actually hard for me to connect with that inner child.  I first figured out that I have trouble doing that when I figured out how painful it was to genuinely "play and pretend" with my daughter.  That sent up huge red flags all over the place.  I am working on it.

I still raged but the rages didn’t last so long and now – rage has been almost replaced by disbelief, wonder at the things she says, does, amazement and sure, some anger, but not much. I can say somehow it feels as though I don’t take it so personally any more. It’s like she’s really not doing it to me, she’s doing it to herself. Lots of shaking head emoticons.

I have already started to experience a little disbelief / wonder at her actions.  For the first time, almost like I am standing outside of my body looking at her from a new perspective.  It is actually very "realistic" feeling for the first time.

It’s great to see you angry Michelle.

  Really?  Wow, Portia.  you are the first person to ever say that to me in my life.  You brought tears to my eyes.   Thanks for saying that.

PPS Michelle, she dragged her children – you - along on her affairs?????!!!!!?????

 
Sick and twisted huh.  yep.  She took us on all her affairs with her.  She couldn't get a "sitter" and god forbid that she give up her "extracurricular" activities.  And of course we were strictly demanded not to tell daddy.  BLECH!  Makes me gag - literally.  



Thanks everyone.  Your support means the world to me right now.  I am so glad that I happened across this board.  Coincidence?  I think not.    
Michelle

[Anonymous]

Michelle,

Babies and small children are hardwired to internalize the parents' voices. This is for survival purposes -- for our own safety and supposedly positive development. Children are psychologically brainwashed by parents. It's how it's supposed to be! But if the parents are screwed up -- and they brainwash the child all wrong -- that is draggy for the child. You've now figured out about the brainwashing and you can deprogram now. (congratulations!)

There's a book I think would be eye-opening for you. It's called "The Illusion of Love" by David Celani. Explains why we retain irrational attachments to abusive parents. Best explanation I ever read. And the book is relatively short and inexpensive!

bunny

[October]

I LOVE the idea about sending a funnier card.  Could I really do that?  What a slap in the face but I would love it!  Your right, it would totally piss her off.

Michelle

Of course you can send her another card.  Or at the very least have a therapeutic time in the card shop, laughing at the thought of her face when it arrives.  And if she sends you another letter, find one that is even worse.  Change the rules and take control yourself.  Don't play her game any more; make it your game.

Remember, laughing at her will heal you, at the same time as it diminishes her.  Like water on a witch, or daylight on a vampire.  They can't cope with it.  <weg>

Cathy[/i]

[Float]

Michelle,
Your letter was very neccessary, I have the same feeings about my father. It's very jackal and Hyde. I try to make peace and deal with him so I can love him and I just end up feeling guilty about calling him out on all his Constant complaining and Contradictory bullshit. He vaules money more then anything else (and has it) and still is a controlling miserable person