Having a hard day

[sea storm]

Hi All,
I haven't written much for a few months.  First, my x told me that his family was reading what I wrote and found it ludicrous and slanderous. Then I stopped using my computer for a few months. Too easy to email my x in times when I felt lonely which was frequently.
Finally, I think I was integrating huge changes in myself. I had been so lost and my identity was so wrapped up in X.

It has been a year since I found out about his affair, he moved to another city and took up with his new sweetie.  I found this out by reading an email from his second wife who he obviously had a romantic relationship with . She signed her emails  love, Fluff. and talked about peak experiences and Oooooooh how she was looking forward to spending time with him and having fun.  So that was two women.  I might as well have been hit in the head with a two by four. The signs were there but I was way too afraid to admit it.
My heart was completely broken.  Well, a year later, I stll feel so many things.  He left, he had me arrested falsely, threatened my job, slandered and lied about me to my friends and colleagues, took tens of thousands of dollars from our joint account.  I am not rich and this has ruined any plans I had of retiring.
Even though he is gone I still miss him sometimes with a passion. I try to fill up my life but it does not always work.  I have to build it brick by brick. I had no friends and lived in a small town where making friends was not easy. I did what I had to inspite of feeling like I had been gutted. It is just not that easy to rebuild a life. I wonder if I am emotioally retarded becasue I can't just say he did me wrong and he is a bastard and move on.
Sometimes it feels like trying to beat heroin. I haven't shaken the hope that he will walk up the garden path and come home.
As for the cruelty and lies and swindling.. I am sure he would deny it all.  Completely deny it. All in my head.  It is going to take a  long time to get over this.
After a year I can sleep most nights, I dont cry more than a few minutes every couple of days. I am not triggered into huge grief and regret  by nearly everything.  I am back at work three days a week.  The house does not feel and look like the loneliest place I could imagine. THe energy has changed. I put in a suite to pay off the increased mortgage. I went to a great Burlesque Dancing Workshop.
So I keep going one step at a time.  But it is stll uphill. I have hope that I will forget my x.  HE was a mess really. So desperate for admiration and attention that he would do anything to get it. I know that I cant have him or it will be the end of me.  So I don't pick up the phone.  I went so far as to see where he lives but the address is unlisted

[gratitude28]

((((((Sea))))))))))

Welcome back. I am glad to see that although you still have feelings for the swine, you remind yourself of what he has done to you. I hate to see you hurt and would never want to see you with that type of person again. You klnow that he will never be happy with any one woman - there would be no games then. And he adores stirring up some "fun."

Have you made any new friends in the last while? What have you been doing to keep busy?

Please keep posting!!!! I missed you.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Sea,
  You always have  such loving and kind things to say.I am so glad that you are back, although sorry that your circumstances are painful.
 I had a thought as I was reading your post. I will share it.Compost what does not fit.
  When you described what seemed like  'yearning" for him,it reminded me of how I felt  many times.
  I was really  yearning for my M ,though.. Most  relationships for me was a "looking for maternal comfort. I can see that my  deep yearnings,as you describe, was not really for that person but for the feeling that I mattered. It was  the desire to be hugged, comforted,nurtured, being special to s/one, being protected. being close, etc.
  Sometimes in a "sick' relationship,it feels even more like the "lost parent" . It feels like you can finally get their love, after all this time.
   To me,it sounds like you are searching for a more "primal" love than just this man. I thought that maybe my perspective would help.                      Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Sea,
So glad to hear you.
I'm so very sorry it's been so hard.

It's just evil to steal money from someone who needs to retire.
It's also pretty rotten to lurk and read in a private healing space you need for support.

Please remember you didn't deserve any of this shoddy and spiteful treatment.
And you DO deserve to let it go into the past, and be gone.

You deserve your new life. One that's not enmeshed with Nfolk who don't care about you.

You are starting to care about yourself...let it build. Then there won't be longing any more.
You won't long for something that's harmful and disloyal and unkind.

love to you,
Hops

[Sela]

Hiya Sea,

Even though he is gone I still miss him sometimes with a passion.

Just a few questions that popped into my head:

1.  Are you certain it's "him" you actually miss?  Or is it possible that it's actually the illusion of being with him, the dream of bliss with him, the feeling of true happiness you longed to have with him.......that you miss?

2.  Wasn't your relationship with him......a lie?  Unreal?  Fake?  Didn't he pretend to be with you while he was actually gallavanting around with other women......probably telling them the same garbage he fed you?

3.  Would it help to accept that it's the idea of "being in a reciprocal love relationship" that you miss with a passion and not actually what you were in?  What you've lost is just a lie, not the real thing??

You may still find a person to share such a relationship with Sea!  But first, you have to give up the idea that you were actually in one.  He tricked you and that caused you a great deal of harm, right?    In order to avoid that from happening again, won't you first have to acknowledge it?

Ok....enough from me eh? (((((((((((((((((Sea))))))))))))))))))  You do sound so much better than last year!  Keep going!  You will get there!!

Sela

[sally]

Hi Seastorm,

so sorry for your pain.

Sounds like you are bonded to an N who betrayed you.

I read a wonderful book about how & why we bond to Ns, to people who have repeatedly hurt us.  It's called The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

Hope you feel better.

love,
sally

[axa]

Sea

Great to hear from you again and well done on staying on the path of recovery.  It is so hard but each step you take away from the X you step towards yourself. This is such a difficult and painful process and it does get easier.  The pain is part of the grieving process but it is an opportunity to look at the deep wounds that bind us to Ns.

Thinking of you,

axa

[Poppy Seed]

I haven't read that book... but I have a question. 

I think N's are very charming and appear very capable and strong.  Are we attracted to them because we think that if they love us they will protect us or make up for our weakness????? It definitely feels like I have been tricked by the smoke and mirrors and the reason is that some inner need drives me to believe that they have what I lack.  Am I at all close?

I fell for an N in college.  I had never been treated so badly in my life.  He was so popular and affluent and influential.  I was completely attracted to that stuff.  But, gosh, I was the the dirt under his shoes and was treated terribly.  I broke up with him.  But he made it look like he was dropping me.  It was crazy.  And when I think about him....I realize that he is still under my skin a little bit.  Even though I think he is a complete bonehead!

[lighter]

I think you're hope is attached to the person you wanted him to be. 

The person you thought he was for so long.....

he's not that person though.

And he would deny that he swindled and cheated you..... that he's untrustworthy.

Unworthy.

He looks like a good thing. 

Tastes like a good thing. 

But..... how does he feel to you? 

The best thing about him was...... you.

Time to accept he's unworthy, broken, never going to get better. 

That's the truth and I hope it makes it easier for you to stop imagining him coming down the front path.... to your door.

If he did.... it wouldn't be to cherish you. 

It would be to allow you to worship at his toxic shrine, and that's no step forward.

You sound like you've been making progress..... taking care of yourself.... hurting less and living more.

I think that's what it's about. 

Replacing unworthy things.... with the worthy.

He's not worthy of you, Sea.

[Hopalong]

If he did.... it wouldn't be to cherish you. 

It would be to allow you to worship at his toxic shrine, and that's no step forward.

Hear, hear. Well put, Lighter.

Hops
(((((((((((((((((((((Sea)))))))))))))))))))))

[Bella_French]

Dear Sea Storm,

The ending of my relationship with ex-N was a lot like yours, especially the discovery of affair after affair. They had dated back to only 5 months into our cohabitation, and it was a huge shock. I had accused myself of being paranoid when we had lived together, but I learned that I wasn't paranoid enough.

Also, I had always loved and trusted women (having grown up with 3 sisters and been their `protector') , and it was a huge shock to realize how many women I'd known socially had betrayed me and undermined me. I had mistaken envy for friendship time after  time. That was a hard lesson to accept.

But it was the Dark before the Dawn, Sea Storm, and the same applies to you. I think I really needed to have those experiences because I was unprotected and hopelessly idealistic and naive about people.

Now I am creating a life that means something to me, with a partner who is someone special and who loves me back. As much as my past hurt me, I am grateful for the strength and insight. It gave me the gift of discernment when it comes to choosing partners, and the ability to protect the life I am building with my fiance.

I hope that you will come to see this pain and betrayal in a similar light some day:)

X bella