Lupita I think about you and the dread of your work situation a lot, but it's so hard to know what to say especially because I have never "won" such a situation.
I will share what happened to me 2 years ago.
I had left a job to move away, then we moved back (due husband's job changes). When we moved back, the same job invited me back and I was happy to return. In the larger sense, I do not want to be doing the 'career' I have ended up doing, but I am grateful to be able to earn a paycheck and for many other things about working. Also this job had nice people and the work was very interesting.
While I had been gone, they had hired several new young people who were superior to me because they have advanced degrees that I don't have. I am a support person. Two of the young people were fresh out of Ivy league schools. The 'oldest' young person went to a 'lesser' school and was a lateral hire. He also was creepy, and he targeted me to bully. He became the ringleader of all 3 people, the younger 2 fell right into line behind him as minions. By targeting me, he was able to consolidate his position and become a leader, when maybe they might have outshone him otherwise. Also by targeting me, he was able to scare them by showing them the power of what he could do.
The bully also worked on recruiting all the junior and support people. He sent friendly joke emails, excluding only me and the senior people above him. He invited the group to casual lunch, excluding only me and the senior people above him. I didn't know about this at first - it was invisible to me. I don't know what else he did, but I'm sure there was other stuff. The sad thing was that at the same time he was planning his wedding and getting married. You would think he would not bother about bullying support staffer at work, but he did.
Finally all the senior people were out of town at a retreat and we junior and support people all got together for a pizza party. He opened fire on me in front of the group at the party and encouraged the group to adopt nicknames for me - such as "Gimp" or "Duchess." One of his just-out-of-school minions said I should be grateful to be called Duchess instead of "peon" or "serf." It's harsh when a 25 year old in her first full-time job says that straight out in public about you. Humiliating! Also let me be clear that I had been unfailingly kind and a good co-worker to these people, all of them.
I didn't feel it all the way through until I got home that night and then I burned with rage and humiliation. I talked about it with my H and I decided to report the entire incident to our Senior Partner, because the Bully seemed to believe I would not do it. Another reason why I decided to report it is because it happened in front of at least 10 people, so even if some denied it - not all could or would deny it, even if they tried to minimize it. Too many witnesses. A third reason I reported it is because it was a blatant violation of workplace harrassment policy. Also, I knew the senior partner particularly liked and valued me and I needed to bring the Big Dog down on the Little Dog. Even so, I limited and shaped my approach. I said, I don't care what it is about or what motivated it I will not speculate but I DO NOT want to hear myself addressed by these nicknames in writing, in memos, in emails or in person - that is all I care about. That is my issue. The senior partner said he thought it was immaturity and 'fraternity' humor - and I let him have that. I am not going to argue that stuff, because it puts me in the position of possibly seeming hysterical or overreacting. That is why I fought for a specific point and refused to speculate.
Then I reported it to HR. There is no point in reporting it to HR until the Big Dog is already going to do something. HR is like a dog with no teeth that has to gum its bone and whine. I only reported it to them in order to lay a record and to keep the Bully nervous.
Then I did nothing and pretended like I had no more issue. Meanwhile I started to look for another job.
Meanwhile, the bully took the whole thing underground but of course it did not end. The campaign had to enter a new phase as all his efforts shifted to making me look like a bad guy.
All my energy had to go to being completely polite, completely professional, unfailingly helpful, because the bully was trying to throw it all on me and the others were ready to back him, though they did not actively help him. It's so sad when people aren't clear on their own integrity that they would do such a thing. But that is their problem.
Meanwhile someone came into my office and took my glasses.
The bully made tiny corrections to every assignment - usually marking up original documents, not copies (just irritating stuff). He continued to invite people out for lunch and whenever we were in a group his whole body language was like I was menacing him and he was frightened off me. This is hard to do - I am short and slight and his underling. lol!
Finally I got another job. I had not even been back for 10 months before I left again. I was angry to have to leave in some ways because the senior people in this group were the most mentoring people I have ever worked with. The believed in me, gave me positive feedback and encouraged me and NO ONE has ever done that for me before or since. But they were unable to see or believe in the dynamics happening beneath their level. So I had to go.
They were surprised and unhappy when I gave my notice and I did not at all address the reason why I left. I said it was more money, closer to home and so an offer too good to refuse. I never brought up the ambient abuse, the gaslighting (stealing my eyeglasses) or any of the other stuff because I could not prove it and I was being goaded to react.
I never would have taken my current job if all things were equal. I really liked that team of people - the senior members, and appreciated them and found the work interesting. But now I really do work only 10 minutes from home and 10 minutes from the daycare and this job has no overtime either. And sometimes we are quite slow, allowing me to post. Sometimes I really regret leaving, but I don't believe I could have won that situation. However, I do believe the bully is a bad employee and they will have to get rid of him one day, and that is based just on his quality of work (or lack thereof) and general lameness and weirdness - but I know that company very very well and it takes them a long time to get rid of their completely hopeless employees - it could take several years. One of his Ivy minions was also a completely empty suit and he has already been fired (but if took 4 years) and he was just a weak willed foolish ninny (pandering to a bully instead of minding his career and lots of other career blighting stuff not relevant here). But all of that is a separate issue.
It is really really hard to go through the day with a "game face" on when you know there's a trouble maker and a bunch of weak people who will allow themselves to be led into all sorts of bad behavior. But you need to have your own plan and stick to it.
Ami is right - you need a Big Dog if you can find one. But even with one, you will probably have to look for another job anyway. Even a Big Dog is just a bandaid. They will probably get rid of Dr. U, but not soon enough to help you.
So unfortunately, I think you need to hold you head high and look for another job. It's also possible that they will get tired of taunting you, but do you really just want to wait and see? You are not powerless, even though they have you at a disadvantage right now. Also, NOT everyone is in on it - so my advice is that during this time of battle, you be extra friendly to all your allies and focus 100% of your positive energy on cultivating your alliances. Do not say anything bad or bad talk those working against you, but focus on forging all relationships possible. Don't react if someone fails you, and continue to be polite and gracious, but refocus on those who will not fail you.
That is my recent experience and related advice from that.
I fought many battles in school days and the one you are in now does sound exactly like school as others have mentioned. I have a lot of experience fighting in the trenches that, luckily, I rarely need. However, looks like you could use it now.
Ami is right - you have to look like you could not care less and do not want to be part of any clique because cliques LIVE to reject people who desire to be in them. You can have some fun with catching individual members at a disadvantage (alone) and being nice and gracious to them, making a small compliment on their appearance or something. This will make them feel small, because they are acting small, so it is appropriate that they should know themselves. Then when they are together, ignore them completely, but not in an ostentatious way, but as if you are thinking of something else or focused on other people. Then say "oh hi how are you" to all of them but don't ask any question that has to wait for an answer. You must retain all power possible.
It was really good in the faculty room when you made a direct comment to one person. That is a tactic that works and is a good way to cultivate allies that will make you feel supported.
This is hard because they know you have a weak point and the first rule is to make them believe you do not. You especially have to guard your weak points and make them think they are not weak points. When the bully started calling me Duchess, my mask slipped and he knew he hurt me, but then I started to make jokes about it and appeared to accept it and get into the spirit, telling him that Duchesses charge rent from everyone in their domain and etc. This is shifting the ground of the fight. I came back at him in a different way the next week, through the Big Dog, which was my best advantage.
This is a long post and I hope it has some useful thoughts for you lupita. I think you are a delightful, brave, brilliant person and that what is behind this is ENVY because you shine brighter than they do. So I pray you will make good your escape and find a better setting where you can shine.
