Group dynamics?????????

[Lupita]

Can someone help me with group dynamics? In my whole life I have never been accepted in a group. Always been rejected. I do not want anymore if I want to be part of a group. I am terrified of groups. I just want that the group does not damage me. But I do not know how to get off the hook. I always become targeted. I am blind, lonely, stray dog.
Please, help me.

[gratitude28]

Lupita,
remember that old saying - that you wouldn't have any group that would have you???? I kind of feel that way - lol. Seriously, I have little interest in groups, I must say. I have a few good friends, but when it comes to group activities, I often feel like a fish out of water. If I do join a group for any reason, it is almost always with a good friend, so I have someone to talk with there - and later...
Even in AA - which is a group that should be accepting always, there was division. It's human nature. Groups split and break into smaller factions.
All my opinon - take it or compost it as Ami says.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

Maybe you're just too nice to pick up on the normal ques bully's use to enlist their minions?

I know you aren't upset you haven't been invited to be a bully minion.... are ya?

I think the nice people are generally pretty busy with their own healthy active lives to get pulled into that crap and maybe they know how to rebuff the first bullying probes?

Maybe the see it coming and neatly manage a side step?

Why don't we and... what group at your school would you like to belong to?

Are there more groups to choose from, than the bully's crowd?

I'm going to a group on 'becoming more charming" tonight.

I'll share some of it with you, since it's all about becoming more charming to other people and making them feel welcomed and accepted.  

Maybe it'll help us learn to feel and become those things too, huh?

[Lupita]

Thank you Grat, I am afraid of groups. Thank you Light.

My book club was a fail, my work, my family. I cannot be a cog. I am so sorry.

[lighter]

So you're not cut out to be a cog, so what?

It's lonely, you say?

Well.... you just haven't found your place yet.

You'll know it when you see it... and think how grateful you'll be.

Maybe you're experiencing all the Yang in life.... now.

Maybe the Yin is on it's way.... and you'll have an abundance of good things?

Maybe they'll be sweeter bc of all the negative hurtful things you;ve endured?

Maybe that's why your path is the way it is?

Accept that it sucks right now. 

Accept that it won't change overnight.

Take a deep breath and do what you can in the moment and ready yourself for the big changes, that will come, from the small efforts of today. 


Do I sound like 4 fortune cookies in one post, lol?

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  The author Evan Hunter deals with the type of situation you are in---evil in everyday life. Hie books really helped me to formulate my ideas on group dynamics.
   When you are abused,your ability to feel out situations really,really suffers.
  This is really hard in a group b/c you could be operating from,"I want to be a nice person and "liked". They could be operating from "If you don't have your own power,I am going to bully you."
   So,if you can't feel out the agenda, you are in 'trouble"
  That is what my S(younger) said about his fraternity,too. The kids that want to be liked too much get bullied. I think that  human nature has very bad parts to it. We,as D's of N's , were not taught the 'truth" about life. Also, we had to try to survive. We could not learn advanced classes like"social relations"
  I think that you can learn to feel what your gut is telling you and to trust it.It is still there,but you don't trust it.
  It is that still small voice trying to tell you what to do and how to handle situations.
   I think that all your efforts have to be in learning to love and trust yourself----to see that your M was very bad(Sorry for saying this)but you are not bad,Lupita. You were just beaten down. Your M will reap what she sowed somewhere along the way.
  You are worth valuing. You are as important as any teacher in that school and as valuable.
    You can save yourself,Lupita                                         Love    Ami

[wiltay]

Lupita, I second the emotion that if I ever found a group that really wanted me I had better be extremely suspicious if I know what's good for me.  I would probably be the main course for a society of cannibals! If families can be dysfunctional, social groups of unrelated people can twice as treacherous IMO.  I've been involved with a large social group for the last ten years and the romance is completely gone now.  Politics, games-playing, back-stabbing.  I have become so cynical!  but I think with good reason. I really understand the attraction though--wanting to belong to something 'bigger' than yourself, especially when you have no family.  Better to have a few close friends and not worry about it if you ask me.
Bill


 

[lighter]

OK...... I went to the meeting last night.

The message is that we were all damaged in childhood.

We all need to feel safe and we all get defensive bc we doubt ourselves and don't feel comfortable in our skins.  The old tapes in our heads are haunting us and we want to be accepted..... have the core issues that make us us...... accepted and not challenged. 

If we did.... we could take more chances, be more honest, extend ourselves and make others feel safe (easily) around us.

An example of being made to feel safe was this.

Say the school someone attended is very important to them.....

They mention it in a social situation.

Of the possible responses..... "that's a very good school... you must be very bright to have graduated from there" would make them feel safe and that core issue would be validated for them.... they could relax, to a degree, having been validated, and be free to open up and extend themselves back.

Another response.... "You've done a lot, considering the school you attended... imagine if you'd graduated from an Ivy League school.... what you might have done..."

That response is a trigger.  That response makes the person feel unsafe and then things spiral from there.  It happens all the time though.  Everyday... to most everyone.  Other responses... to be ignored, answered without any true interest or notice..... the same thing, dismissed.

We all have core beliefs about ourselves that we need others to accept about us..... without challenging or doubting. 

We can accept other's core beliefs, immediately and put them at ease up front, if we mindfully pay attention and have empathy for them as a matter of habit. 

Everyone's life is hard.
 
There is very little kindness in this world.

If we are mindful and can think about what happened to someone, to make them act the way they do.... assume their childhood caused trauma and damage..... and treat them with kindness and acceptance as a matter of habit... it would cause them to feel kindly towards us.  Maybe they'd remember us for the rest of their lives, so rare is the act of kindness in todays world?

That was the message and what we're going to work on.... accepting ourselves and others so we can be more open, honest and extend ourselves without fear. 

it was exciting. 

 

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
  That sounds really good. What type of place was it. Did you say a 'charm school"? Maybe I misunderstood                                                              Ami

[lighter]

It's about becoming more charming in the world.... not charm school, lol. 


Someone who's comfortable enough with themselves to facillitate comfort in others.

I really like the idea of becoming those things. 

[Poppy Seed]

It's about becoming more charming in the world.... not charm school, lol. 


Someone who's comfortable enough with themselves to facillitate comfort in others.

I really like the idea of becoming those things.

 

Amen! Lighter!  I get the "What"....but the "HOW" seems to allude me.  Kinda feels like comparing myself to a snowboarder.  They are undeniably cool.  And many of them without even trying.  If I got on a board......well, the ambulance crew would be making jokes.

[Lupita]

OK, what meeting? did you go to a meeting where they teach you how the be more charming?

[Ami]

We all want to go, Lighter.

[lighter]

I went to a group, invited by a psychologist friend, for the purpose of exploring what makes charming personable people, charming and personable.

I'm loving it but I gotta say.... it was hard for this introvert to open up and lead in the "tell us about yourself" department.  Everyone had a notepad and made notes as I spoke... yikes

I thought I'd get up and run screaming from the room when I had time to think about what I might say.   

We'll go over the things we feel we can compliment each other on next meeting.  We went from a group of strangers to people who care about each other.... want to hear more about each other.   

At some point..... we'll also be challenged to conquer mean people.  I assume that'll be our final assignment, lol.

This weeks homework is to charm and dazzle someone, anyone then report back about how it went. 

All this resonates with me.  I really enjoy the research and development aspect...... learning about WHY we feel comfortable and how we can make others feel that way... it's BIG.
 
We'll be learning specific skills and going over his research on the topic. 

He's been much changed by this himself, I'm happy to note.

[Lupita]

WHERE CAN I FIND A GROUP LIKE THAT? HOW DID YOU FIND IT? I WANT ONE. I NEED A GROUP LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!