Thanks for everyone's good wishes. I read all you said about job applications and I do think lying is the best way to go. Some of these are online applications and you can't leave a space blank or it won't go thru. Then they make you sign a "truth statement" at the end (e-sign). I think it's worth taking a chance.
Anyway, maybe there's a bright sky on the horizon - I may have found a guardian angel in the job search. It's actually someone I already knew. She very well connected and when she heard about my circumstances, she decided to do everything she could to at least get me an interview at our local university. There is a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. I'll take it - a sliver is better than a dead end.
Have also been exploring my anger. For a long time I kept telling myself I was "bad" or "evil" for having so much anger. I'm sure I'm not the first to do that. I have been made to feel bad for being the most in-your-face with my anger, the one with the hairiest trigger -
- as well as beating up on myself. I have some friends from growing up in this city who have never outright shunned me but are pretty clear about not including me very often in their doings. I blamed my anger and myself. Maybe it's facing the possibility of stripping my life down to the nub, but I finally got tired of it. I was tired of feeling bad, I was tired of letting "them" make me feel bad, and I was tired of beating up on myself for my anger.
Yes, I have solid grounds for being angry; and I would love to see any of those childhood friends survive what I did and still be intact. So, I am accepting my anger, giving myself credit for the underlying reasons, and, at the same time, getting a handle on what sets me off. The other day I caught it as it was happening. Just a stupid incident, but I caught the fury building inside me, sat back, looked at it, and realized I
needed to win - at something. No matter how trivial. That was a new insight.
I am sick of those who say "you
allow someone to make you angry"; or "No one can make you angry without your permission." It's a popular notion but one that smells to me. There are plenty of people out there who know your buttons or can figure them out - then they can push them at will. I have an ex-sister-in-law who is so seriously sociopathic that she studies people to find their buttons, their weak spots, and then uses them for blackmail. Yes, I said blackmail. The manipulators, the ones who can really find your buttons even when you are trying so hard not to show them. You trust a person, let down your guard, and then - WHAM - they use your personal life that you shared with them in trust against you.
Sound like anyone you know?
towrite
