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NMom hates new H

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claris:
Hello - I am new to the board.  Have been in counseling and my therapist has told me she believes my mother is a N.  

Hope to get feedback on latest crisis.  My NMom has a visceral loathing of my new H.  He rubbed her the wrong way during our wedding, which she ruined btw by complaining about everything (esp that i didn't make a public speech about my appreciation for her and all she did for the wedding - which was already limited b/c i was already afraid she'd hijack the whole thing and make it about her as usual - which she managed to do).  Now it is months later and she still has tantrums and rages on the phone, which causes me migraines and upset that takes me days to calm down from every time.  She berates and insults me and my H until I either scream or hang up.  Also cries and tells me she loves me and how can I do this to her.  Uses anything negative she can think of to make me feel: 1) oversensitive 2) disrespectful 3) ungrateful.

I dread seeing her again, but my father begs me to go back there to "renew the love and closeness".  I feel so guilty for abandoning him to her (she can say unspeakable things to all of us) but I am sure that it would be a horrible time for me and I know she just wants to assert her dominance and control and insult me and my H.  Also feel guilty about abandoning her - knowing that N stems fundamentally from a feeling of abandonment.

Anyone have the experience of trying to bring a new spouse into a family where the N goes out of control?  How do people deal with hurting the feelings of other family members when trying to spare oneself by avoiding the N?

Am feeling so sad - I had always believed that somewhere inside, my mother was sorry when she had tantrums and berated us.  After reading more about Nism, I'm not sure anymore.  Seems like she gets satisfaction out of it (which she always seemed to at the time but I couldn't accept as true).

Anonymous:
I knew a woman whose mother angrily stopped talking to her on her wedding day. Mom totally rejected her and her H until the baby was born a few years later. Then N mother was nice to her again. No explanation ever occurred. My woman friend realized her mother was a narcissist, TERRIBLY ENVIOUS of her happiness, and mom couldn't bear it.  I think that may be the case with your mother.

Here's my advice for what it's worth:

(1) Tell your father that your mother is the one who needs to start behaving if she wants a relationship. You will do what you can, but you won't put up with total disrespect.

(2) Allow your husband to hang up on your mother, tell her off, or whatever he must do for his own boundaries. He shouldn't put up with any abuse.

(3) Allow yourself to hang up on her, or whatever you must do to command some respect and authority. She doesn't get to yell and scream like a two-year-old. There are consequences for that.

(4) Look for a good therapist for you and your H, you will probably need one.

bunny

Anonymous:
This is bunny again.......one more thing.....

It's normal to feel guilty. Do process it with your therapist. Do NOT act on the guilt by caving in to your father or mother. Your father CHOSE her, you aren't responsible for his marital problems or abandonment. You also aren't responsible for your mom's abandonment. If you let yourself be responsible for that, you will be her hostage for life. I became a hostage and I haven't yet gotten free. Don't do what I did, it's a waste of many years.

bunny

Tokyojim:
Bunny is SOOOOO right!

If you stand up to someone with NPD, you will be very surprised how their responses to you will change.  You must be prepared to follow through with what you say, and be resolved not to give further explanation.  If you are hesitant or try to "make them understand your feelings," it will not work.  I notice that when people deal with N behaviors, they keep thinking that there is some way that they can explain, that there must be some sentences or logic that will make them understand, but there are none.  Set up a few consequences very clearly and without showing anger, do not get into a long discussion, and be prepared to follow through.  Hang up without further elaboration.  If they call back, directly or through your father, just repeat a single sentence, "I already said that I will not listen to criticism of my husband."  Of course, you will hear, "but I only meant....."  Your answer, "Do you understand what I just said?"  She may reply, "I am your mother and wanted to help you because I love you (blah, blah.)"  Your response: "Click" of the receiver.  Not slammed down, but she just hears a dial tone.....

She will get the message.  THAT will be understood, and only that.

October:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I knew a woman whose mother angrily stopped talking to her on her wedding day. Mom totally rejected her and her H until the baby was born a few years later. Then N mother was nice to her again. No explanation ever occurred.

bunny
--- End quote ---



I think I can understand this one.  My Nmum loves babies.  Her youngest grandchild - my nephew - is nearly 4, but she still picks him up and nurses him like a baby, and whenever I look at her, there she is holding the 'baby'.  This makes me want to throw up, because she does it to get the madonna effect from it.  

Yesterday she was holding nephew as usual, while my sister in law drove away from my house (nephew was here to stay the night, and mum rushed round to see him when she found out - she NEVER visits me otherwise).  Anyway, mum is 70, and she did a kind of skipping jump with him, as if she was a kid herself (which of course she is, at one level) so I played the adult to her child and took him from her arms.  She hated it - and me.  Let's be honest here.  She does not like me and never did.  And I put him on the ground, on his own two feet, as an adult would.  Setting him free to be himself.

However, as I did it, I made it sound as if I was concerned for  her.  I said 'you shouldn't jump like that when you are holding a child, you did that with Charlie (my daughter) and hurt your ankle, and it has never been right since.'  She said 'it is fine now' (as if that makes what I said wrong, which it doesn't), and I said 'well, it is when it suits you.'  And of course, Ns can't cope with the truth so she blanked it out.  If looks could kill, I would have dropped dead.  But they don't.  Ha ha!!  

So, if there is a baby around, expect the N, especially granny Ns, to be there, always nursing the baby.  Always with a far away look in their eyes, and as happy as they are capable of being.  As if to say, only the sweet and innocent are capable of understanding me as I deserve.  

Off to find a bucket.  Lol!!!!!!

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