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NMom hates new H

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October:

--- Quote from: claris ---Hello - I am new to the board.  Have been in counseling and my therapist has told me she believes my mother is a N.  

Hope to get feedback on latest crisis.  My NMom has a visceral loathing of my new H.  He rubbed her the wrong way during our wedding, which she ruined btw by complaining about everything

I dread seeing her again, but my father begs me to go back there to "renew the love and closeness".  I feel so guilty for abandoning him to her (she can say unspeakable things to all of us) but I am sure that it would be a horrible time for me and I know she just wants to assert her dominance and control and insult me and my H.  Also feel guilty about abandoning her - knowing that N stems fundamentally from a feeling of abandonment.


--- End quote ---



Some years ago I confronted my mother with her behaviour, and said that I would not put up with it any longer.  I said I was not willing to play happy families any more.  Dad said why not, because we are a happy family.  I said no we are not.  Dad told me to apologise to my mother, and let her say what she likes, until it all eventually blows over, and then everything would be fine.  He said we couldn't go on the way we were.

Well, I declined to apologise, because I would have been apologising for being shouted at and grabbed by the arm and pulled around, and for saying that she had done that, when she wanted to deny that it happened.  Even when it  happened in front of my dad and aunt she wanted to deny it, and make me deny it.  I refused, and still refuse.

It will not make my dad any happier if I do what he wants.  He is a very unhappy man, but he is comfortable in that unhappiness.  It is so familiar to him now that he would be made miserable by any kind of change.  He has spent almost 50 years with this woman, and stood by her, and echoed her N behaviour for so long it is too late for him to know what a healthy relationship is.

I am sorry when I go to visit, because I make them both unhappy.  Mum talks incessantly when I am not in the room, but goes dead quiet when I am (because I challenge any lies I hear and she dare not speak with me there.)  Or, from their point of view, I am snappy and snap at her whenever I get the chance.  Actually, I do not snap, and am usually polite, but they add their own interpretation of the tone.

However, to get to the point of what I am trying to say, you can't rescue your parents.  It may not even be possible to rescue yourself.  The people you can rescue are the next generation, if and when they arrive, by being aware of N behaviours and how they work, and keeping your children away from the Ns if you can't set appropriate boundaries.  But you can't rescue your dad.  He was supposed to look after you, not the other way round, but this is one of the things we are taught; we are there to meet their needs, and to keep them emotionally supported.

The work of therapy is to find these lies and try to destroy them.  You are the one who needs love and support in the early stages of your marriage.  Your mum is having a tantrum and has thrown her toys out of the pram, and your dad wants you to help put them back in again.

What they are both asking for is for you to show that you love them more than you love your new husband.  If they can win this battle, they may well have you for life.  Stay strong, and let them go.

Cathy

Michelle:
Welcome claris to the board (do you pronounce that "claree"? - just wondering b/c there's a neat character in a movie I love with your name pronounced that way  :wink: )

Anyhoo - I feel for you.  My Nmother hates my husband too.  Her favorite thing to say about him is "I hate that he took you away from us".  He is in the military and guess what mom????  THEY MOVE ALOT.  You have gotten some great advice from others already....my advice to you is DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER DISRESPECT YOUR FAMILY.  Draw the line and quickly.  It sends a very strong unspoken message to your new husband when you do not prove to him that you respect him and cherish him by standing up against WRONGDOING where he is concerned.  And what I am finding out lately - you have to do the same thing with your children.  Protect your family from her at ANY cost, Claris.


--- Quote ---which she ruined btw by complaining about everything (esp that i didn't make a public speech about my appreciation for her and all she did for the wedding - which was already limited b/c i was already afraid she'd hijack the whole thing and make it about her as usual - which she managed to do);  she still has tantrums and rages on the phone,
She berates and insults me and my H until I either scream or hang up. Also cries and tells me she loves me and how can I do this to her. Uses anything negative she can think of to make me feel: 1) oversensitive 2) disrespectful 3) ungrateful.,
--- End quote ---


Gross Gross Gross  Selfish, mean, nasty, inconsiderate, PURPOSEFULLY DAMAGING.  That describes my mom, but it describes yours too.  It's hard and painful and terribly sad.  I am in the process of it myself.......stop the damage before it leaks down into your family.  Be strong and stand up for yourself.  Stop letting her hurt you.


--- Quote ---my father begs me to go back there to "renew the love and closeness". I feel so guilty for abandoning him to her Also feel guilty about abandoning her
--- End quote ---


I am sure you would not "abandon" them if they didn't "deserve" to be abandoned.  I don't like that word in this situation.  Instead of saying that you are "abandoning" them, I would word it like this:   YOU ARE PROTECTING YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY AT WHATEVER COST IT TAKES.

Like I said before, I feel for you Claris.  It is so hard to realize that your own mother is purposefully hurtful to you and actually gets some sort of happiness out of it.  SICK SICK SICK.  It is time for you to see your worth and protect yourself and your family.  I'm glad you are here.  I know personally that I couldn't travel this road alone.  

take care of yourself,
Michelle

Karin:
Hi Claris,
Welcome to the board.
I think Michelle has hit the nail on the head. Your new husband is the one that you have to think of first, above your mother. Don't let your mother's tantrums run the risk of him losing his respect for you.
 
I don't think my NMIL hated me as such, but she let me know over the years that I wasn't looking after her son properly and Oh my God, I didn't teach our daughters how to clean so "how on earth are they ever going to be able to look after their husbands?" My exNH did support me when she did this sort of thing (eventhough he had other issues going on with her). It was important to me for him to show that she didn't have the upper hand as far as our relationship was concerned.

You'll be surprised how quickly she will leave you alone if you ignore her ridiculous behaviour. You don't need to give her explanations of how you feel, she wouldn't be listening anyway. She is too self-absorbed and you need to not let her into your marriage in any way.

Take care,
Karin

Anonymous:
thanks so much to everyone who replied.  i appreciate the advice and the anecdotes.  so many things resonated with my situation.

my mother also didn't speak to me on my wedding day (except to try to get me to drop some guests off in the wedding car my h and i had to take us back to our hotel after the wedding), and things have been horrible since.  she has pitted herself against my H and basically wants me to show her more loyalty and respect than my H.  i know i can't do that.  my dad also thinks she envies my happiness (like the woman that bunny mentioned).  

i am also worried about the time when kids come.  my mother looooves babies - she also gets a weird glow around them and believes that she has a special way with them.  she used to tell me that she'd like to take care of my kids while i was at work (god forbid!)  she really sees herself as a Paragon of Motherhood - which i know to be absurd but i think is an embedded narcissistic conceit of hers.  one of the worst things i can do is to imply in any way that my childhood was anything but perfect.  

i understand what cathy and bunny said about my not being responsible for them, but i still do feel so bad for my dad.  i think he has convinced himself in some way that she's actually a beautiful person inside who just messes up sometimes, and that she actually feels sorry for what she does, even if she'd rather die than apologize.  at the same time, he describes her behavior as "cruel", "violent", "aggressive", "unstable" and any number of other similar adjectives.  i have suggested he seek some counseling, but i don't think he'd go.  he's the only one in the family left who puts up with her abuse (well, me too to a certain extent, but i'm working on it) so i think he must bear the brunt of it.  is he really a lost cause or can is there something i can do?

has anyone taken in an N elderly parent to live with them?  i know my mom expects this someday.

claris

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---i am also worried about the time when kids come.  my mother looooves babies - she also gets a weird glow around them and believes that she has a special way with them.  she used to tell me that she'd like to take care of my kids while i was at work (god forbid!)
--- End quote ---


When you're the parent, you'll have control over who cares for your children. If you don't want it to be her, then it won't be.
 


--- Quote from: Anonymous ---is he really a lost cause or can is there something i can do?
--- End quote ---


You can keep encouraging him to seek therapy. Otherwise it's out of your power. We can't rescue adults from their bad marriages (sad but true).



--- Quote from: Anonymous ---has anyone taken in an N elderly parent to live with them?  i know my mom expects this someday.
--- End quote ---


My MIL expected it also. She did NOT come to live with us, because it would have led to divorce! We preferred to stay married.  :wink:

bunny

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