Visit Today/Send Me Fortitude

[gratitude28]

Hi All,
I need some strength and some courage to get through the next few days with my NM. I know she should be on good behavior... but you know the shock tactics... I am also afraid of what I might do - trying to catch her in lies and such. I am very impatioent towards her and want to call her out. So send me that strength. I have also decided that if she leaves her email open again, I will send her a copy of one of her messages to her BF and tell her she had better not let dad see it as I don't want him hurt. I have really had enough of her games. My MIL is coming tomorrow, too, and we are very close. I don't know how she will take that. I don't much care as I love my MIL. But I fear she will pull something because of that.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
 I admire you for even having any contact with your NM.I have not let mine visit me in 8 years.
  I have to be honest here b/c A 'red flag" hit me.
  I would not mess with the e mail. Whenever we try to get "revenge" in any way,it usually  comes back to bite us.I would WANT to do the same thing.However,I think that you may start a fire where YOU will get burned.Since they really don't have  "emotions", you will stand to lose the most in a "revenge" battle.You have  deep feelings.Just in that one aspect,she has already "won" any battle. You will hurt deeply. She won't.
  Keep sharing on the board throughout the whole visit.I will keep you in my prayers, Beth.    Love    Ami

PS--Compost what does not fit

[gratitude28]

Ami,
Thank you for getting to the heart of the matter. I think you are right. In being honest with myself, I am just being vengeful. That is not right and it is not like me. I was feeling angry towards my mother the other day and said some nasty things, and my husband said, "Don't say that. You are not like that." It's true. I can't let her make me become mean like her.
Thank you for being forthright with me, Ami.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Thank you for receiving it so graciously.I had trepidation when I wrote it.
 I would be really nervous if it were me. My goal is to get to the point where it does not matter one way or another.
 As Hops was saying to Tayana, we give our N mother's way too much power over us.
I know that I  do. I guess that it is a work in 'progress" just like everything else---(bleh--long and tiring)
  You will be in my prayers today.Is she coming to your house or are you gong s/place?        Ami

[gratitude28]

They are coming here. That is always tond easier for me. Any time I have to go to their house, I feel like I am trapped in my miserable childhood aghain. Plus, as I have said here, their house is filthy. I mean - public health hazard filthy. I freak out, although, thanks to everyone here, I was able to center myself last time I had to go there and remain calm almost the entire time. It is never as bad when they come here. I am actually pretty calm. I have had moments of extreme anger, and I am hoping that doesn't pop up. I just want to remain calm and get through. At the same time, I want to enjoy seeing my dad.
Thanks again, Ami. Please, don't ever feel afraid to tell me what I need to hear. That is why I come here.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Beth, best of luck while your NM is there.  I hope it all goes well, and she's not too nasty. 

I agree with Ami, I wouldn't mess with the email.  The NM's mess themselves up eventually, and anyone who has to spend much time in their presence starts to see their games.

[Ami]

You are right,Tayana. Eventually, they "get" themselves.                                       Ami

[gratitude28]

Thanks again, Leah, Tayana, Ami. And thanks for setting me straight I needed that. You are so right. I found myself playing gsames and what I need is just to enjoy my own family and go back to the Attitude of Gratitude...
Love, Beth

[lighter]

What a pickle your M puts you in. 

I wish it helped to catch and call them out in their deceipt and lies but..... it doesn't seem to phase them.

it's always another lie and, if anything, they're upset with you that you didn't buy the first couple lies and they have to keep telling more and more.....

Oh well... enjoy your MIL and I won't tell you what I (might) do if she/your Mum, left her e mail open on my desk top

[Hopalong]

Good luck, Beth hon.
Try to focus your control just on yourself, on keeping your inner self serene.
You can hold on to your inner happiness.

Determine ahead of time that not one remark or drama or anything she emits has anything to do with your warm, calm, steady inner happiness. Even passing distress or feelings like anger won't disturb it. It's still there, in your deep mind.

Which belongs to YOU.

If you walk around humming that thought through your brain, my serenity
is mine and I keep it safe, could it help?

Will send you good vibes...

xo
Hops

[Iphi]

Thinking of you Beth and hoping you stayed inscrutably cool as a cucumber.  I'm glad you get along so well with your MIL - that's wonderful.

[changing]

Gratitude-

You are such a kind and thougtful person- it's like chalk and cheese with your NM. A meticulous being like you trying to do her duty with an out of control health hazard  toxic bomb (physical and mental) "anal explosive"  hostile combatant like your NM- it seems to be a Herculean task. Please know that I am on your side and know that you can handle things if you trust your own judgement- when things threaten to violate you, absent yourself and take care of your boundaries.  Sometimes that may mean NC. Take care of my friend Gratitude!!!

In Love and Support,

Changing

[gratitude28]

Thanks guys - so far so good. But now I feel I make it all up - arrgghhh. I feel nuts. LOL. Enjoying seeing my dad.
(((((((((((everyone))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  I hate to say this but "The Visit is still young."You did not make it up. That is part of the "lie" of life with the N. S/times they can act very "normal" and amiable.You "wonder" why you exaggerated about them in your mind.
  I think that "more will be revealed"as the visit progresses.Keep writing and sharing.
 I think that it is typical that we wonder if "they are so bad". However, when we let our guard down, we usually get a "rude awakening".
 Just try to stay centered in yourself. She does not define you. That is the hard part for me.I let her define me----down to the last detail.I wanted her to love me so much that I became her clone until it almost killed me.Letting them define us does not work b/c they keep changing the definition.I guess that they belong to the club that they reject b/c it lets them be a member(or however that joke goes)
The point is that I tried so hard to be a clone for her and she never ever was satisfied.She was voracious in her desire to 'consume" me.When I gave myself over to her, she spit me out.
I am thinking and praying for you, Beth                               Love   Ami

[cats paw]

Beth,

  So often, I get that feeling of having made up the difficulties, etc.  Just wanted to send extra Serenity your way for the rest of the visit.

cats paw