revenge battle

[alone48]

In a previous post, Ami referred to the revenge battle. I choose not to answer there as I didn't want to detract from the post, but Ami's answer struck a cord.

Several times when I get really angry the urge to get revenge is strong, but I have always felt it would come back on me. Ami describe it best "N's have no emotions, so they have already won when you attempt revenge." Sometimes the answer is so obvious, you just need someone to spell it out. Thanks again Ami

[Iphi]

I agree alone48 - it's a great thought to pull out into a separate topic.  It can be so hard not to want to slam back, or yell back, or punish back especially in the heat of the moment - but there are so many reasons not to do it.  And plus they know they really got you, then and it leaves you wide open for them to project on you. 

It reminds me of the saying "Never fight with a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it."

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  You are right. Revenge is the first(and visceral) response. This might sound strange ,but I was reading a book on Princess Diana.I saw that all the siituations leading up to her death were fueled by her trying to get "revenge"or one -up on Charles or the Palace.It really hit me that the final situation in which she died was one where she was trying to rub another man's nose in this new relationship(according to this author)'
  It really struck me how easy it is to get"in to an ego battle". It is "naturaL"to want to get back at s/one when they have hurt you.This book really helped me to see how any "revenge"move will end up backfiring---somehow.              Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

I really enjoy my revenge fantasies, as they seem to be one way of turning toxic anger and extreme helplessness into positive action (even if it is fantasized action).

My rule for revenge is always wait two years before even thinking about implementing a revenge plan. Its for safety's sake, as well as giving myself time to calm down. So far,
I haven't needed or wanted  to act out revenge after 2 years, but it still helped me to know I could. It is empowering.

X Bella

[alone48]

I throughly agree, the waiting period gives you the time to cool off and realize it isn't worth it.

My ex had an affair with a coworker, before we divorced. He took our son on vacation and was out of reach for two weeks. I had a friend call her secretary and leave a message to call this # asap (it was the county hot line for v.d clinic) Obviously when she called they wouldn't give info but informed her she needed to be tested. Since she lived in a totally different area, she had to relate it to my ex., but couldn't contact him at the moment. I never knew the outcome, but enjoyed the thought.

This is probably the worse I could ever do and have never shared it before. Now you know what a terrible person I am. And yes it was long after she would have suspected me or anything to do with our divorce.

[Bella_French]

Dear Alone,

My ex's affairs triggered my most elaborate revenge fantasies, so I can relate. It just hurts so much, the pain is indescribable. After my `two years' , the way I saw things was that I was responsible for choosing that relationship, even if I had no idea that I was dealing with an N until much later. So I decided that I was also accountable for what happened, in a way, because I had made a choice. The `positive action' that i took away from that encounter was choosing to use my knowledge and pain to avoid N's romantically in the future. It was definitely more constructive that any revenge plan.

Anyway, i know how bad cheating feels, and I am so sorry you experienced that.

X bella

[finding peace]

Hi Alone,

This is a great topic. 

I don't know that I ever wanted revenge (although I haven't had to deal with extramarital affairs - which might change my mind completely!).  Well, then again, I did want revenge on my bro for hitting me with sticks and getting away with it when we were kids (long-story, but in short I had a very, very dysfunctional family). 

I have really struggled with the desire for retribution tho, which of course I will never get.

My strongest revenge/retribution fantasy I suppose is that all of them (my family members) will have to be reborn and live my exact life - so that they can finally understand at a visceral level what I survived in that house of horrors. 

Although, as I just wrote that, I got to thinking about that and if this were true (in a karma-ish way), would I then have to live theirs?  Yuck! - no thank you. 

I just realized that I would rather be who I am today (even though my childhood was horrible) than to be who they are today Odd realization - as I was always considered the evil one in my family.

Sorry - my frain is bried tonight - some illogical leaps of thought there but a very eye-opening realization for me!!!

Thank you,
Peace

Iphi - I loooovveeee this:   "Never fight with a pig.  You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it."   

[Poppy Seed]

Doesn't revenge tie us to our enemies?    Sometimes I want justice so badly.  But I notice that it makes me hopeful that whatever tactics I come up with will actually "work" to either teach them a lesson or bring about change.  But, since it is highly unlikely for an N to learn from these methods.....the attempts seems futile and only prove that I am still buying in or playing the game. 

Maybe revenge helps us to feel powerful.  Especially when so much of our power has been sucked away and our affections abused. But for how long?  I am afraid I suffer from terrible remorse.  Like in the movie " You've Got Mail."  Having the gift to say exactly what you want to say in the moment brings a moment of victory....but remorse inevitably follows. -- at least for me.

Isn't living well the best revenge anyway?  In this way, I think NC or partial NC or emotional NC really strengthens.

Poppy

[alone48]

You are so right, it's easy to get caught up in the game but in the end you bring yourself to their level. Hopefully I never sink so low again, though it felt good at the moment. Living right and having a good life is the best revenge and hopefully by the time it happens you won't even care.

I'm just now trying to see the light so that it won/t be about N anymore, but getting my life together. After four months, I can finally announce that I start my new job on Monday. N does not know where I'll be and I'm just trying to stay out of the radar.

[changing]

Alone-

Congratulations on your new job and getting out of your NXs tangled web. Fantastic!!! You are a true winner!!Now you can be happy and free!!

The greatest thing in your situation is THE BEST REVENGE IS BEING HAPPY!!!

Do your best and have a great time with your new life!!!

Love,

Changing

[axa]

This is something I struggle with so badly.  I have such a desire for revenge.  When I peel it back and look underneath it is me wanting XN to feel the pain that I suffered and in that somehow I am free of my own pain.  I know I would never do anything but I have wasted so much time thinking about what I would like to happen to him.  It stops me from engaging with my own life, it sends me on a downward spiral, is sucks my energy and still I go there.  It does me absolutly NO GOOD and I know it .  It is like a disease, an addiction.  I read a very interesting article recently about it and will post something on that here when I can find it. 


To talk of justice makes me wonder what that is, is it a type of revenge?  And who provides the justice?  My guess is that the "justice" is in our power.  To break the connection and life a full life has to be the real justice but we are left with the struggle and pain of moving to that place

axa

[gratitude28]

Yes, Alone. And the N cares so little for you, it is unlikely they know what you are getting revenge for. I have been put back in my place once again. The N does not think about you enough to consider you anything more than an element in his/her life. And, in that regard, I am making up any sort of malicious intent I feel coming from the N. It is not planned for the most part - it is simply natural behavior to them.

[Overcomer]

Being cheated on was a definite blow but the good news is you can get over it.  But any traumatic event like that sends you reeling!  My revenge is to be on the board of directors in our industry.  Mom ran for the board of directors and did not make it.  Then I realized I really did not want to be on the board-I just want to be elected because she was not.  Then I realize that is stupid so if they contact me I will bow out.  I realize that those obsessive thoughts will go away!