Anger Vs. Depression

[wiltay]

Ami, it's funny, but it really wasn't a shock realizing my F was an N.  Mainly, the realization just makes things make more sense. It's not quite true that N's never change or can't change.  My F was a much different, nicer, more complete person in his later years.  He was a lousy F (a major N as I  know now) during my formation however, and I always knew that and had few illusions about it.  And he realized it too at some point and actually tried to atone for it as he got older.  VERY un-N-ish to admit this  level of failure and imperfection!  This is how he really (no longer) fit the N-mold.  His own F was truly a monster by all accounts so he had some insight into these things I guess and he realized that he had victimized me the same way his own F had victimized him.  It's hard to be all that angry with him (he's dead now) because he acknowledged his mistakes as much as he could.  But he did set me up for a whole lot of misery that didn't have to be.  He not only 'trained' me so I was vulnerable to every N that came down the pike, he taught me how to completely disenfranchise myself for most of my life. That DOES make me angry! 
   My 'coming out' about N's recently WAS a shock though and THE wake-up call of my life. To realize that people can actually be, ARE like this! The lying, manipulation and total selfishness disguised as love and friendship. I was so naive for so long.  That's been very tough, losing my 'innocence."  I just don't know why it took so long, but it did.  Now I'm just trying to move on and become the self I have always put down and squelched.  Most of my fears are still about being rejected and alone simply for being ME.  I've got to get to work Ami.  As always, thank you for being here!

Bill

[alone48]

Ami,

I've thought alot about this topic and one thing I have realized, is that we pass on what we know. My F & M also came from very unemotional families that didn't share their love openly. I have wondered, how do you pass on something you never knew yourself? Are we not the ones who slip through this crack and hope to change the cycle? I believe I have shown my children a different type of love than any of my family had known. Just a thought I have been contemplating for awhile.

[Poppy Seed]

Alone 48,

I have asked myself this exact question since I got pregnant with my first baby.  How can I pass along a love I have never received or one that was not modeled?  This is the only answer I have.....the answer is within me and comes from expressions of the real me.  The more I am in tune with myself and my truth and the truth, the more I have to give.  I watch it come from me.....feeling foreign from it....not knowing if I can trust it.  I look to others who I admire or who seem to be able to give love.  I think that the more we love ourselves...the more we fill ourselves to overflowing and it can't help but spill onto our kids.  I am still in process....like that isn't obvious......but there are moments where it all comes together and I learn to trust the love I have within me.  I figure if I was aware enough to recognize the lack of love, I must have something in me that knows the fullness of it.

My H and I feel like we are chain breakers.  We are the ones whose pain pushes us to find a better way....to become lovers of truth.  Maybe we do pass what we know.  If that is true, then the more truth I find, the more I can pass on. 

I can smile and hug my kids.  My father couldn't.  I can jump for joy when they score a goal and tell them not to quit when they don't score. My F or M couldn't do that.   I can listen and read to them.  My mother could never do that.  I can let them have their opinions and insights and not be threatened by their strength.  I can let them have their own lives and thoughts and feelings.  I don't have to control and manipulate to get my needs met.  I can teach my kids to take care of themselves and show them through my example how to love themselves more and more as I learn those lessons right along with them.  I can teach my kids all the truth I am learning in recovery.  I may not be the best parent in the world.  But I know I can do better than what was given to me.

[Ami]

i think that the answer to depression is to face the truth about our 'worth". We took on shame at our core.  We pushed aside the "real"us. In the 'real"us is tremendous intuition. It would help us know how to handle situationsi
   The reason that we don't know how to operate in the world(IMO) is that our core is our "radar system". People with "intact cores" can feel out the appropriate response in various situations.
  In our core is humor, fun,  and compassion.
  I am seeing that my road to becoming an authentic person is to see that I rejeceted this core for "stupid" reasons. I was a threat to an N.
   I am seeing that my M must not have been able to "help" it. Who would be an N if they had a choice. Yes, she chose to bully me b/c she could,but her "thinking' was not her "fault"
   I feel like I took a step toward health by trying to look at her this way instead of "hating" her.
   I saw,today, that any self hatred, self loathing etc is simply "lies". Anything that goes against our "inherent" value is a "lie"
   Little by little with all of your help( there is so much combined intelligence and wisdom here ) I think that I can get  "well."
                                                     Love   Ami

[Ami]

I have to write on this thread again.I never was diagnosed with any condition b/c I don't go to therapists etc. However,I have such a deep depression ..I had just accepted it as 'normal" b/c I had it for so long. Now, I guess that I want to face it.I am ready to.
 Inside is the 'real" me ,but the false me has so many false ideas about "who" I am.Along with throwing away my core, I jettiisoned my true emotions ,too. I became more and more numb.
  In order to reclaim myself I have so much grief to go through. When i do the inner child exercises,so much grief comes out.I am avoiding doing them b/c they really hurt.However,holding in this pain is worse.
  I am going to do it tonight. I just have to face what is there ,anyway.
  There is just so much pain invoved when you have to throw yourself away. I think you have to feel it all in order to heal.
  I guess that it will come out in "doses' I can handle.
                                                                  Ami
PS I guess I have to make the decision.'Am I worth pulling myself out of this depression. ? I am going to do it.