Reminder: No Contact

[isittoolate]

Hi everyone

Not likely two of on this Board have lived identical lives, so we look for our own solutions. I have not lived a traditional life (whatever that means).

I don’t have much individual advice for anyone but I will stick to my No Contact rule and not even that will suit everyone.

I was just thinking of all the dysfunctional people, toxic people, who have been in my life all along and the one thing that was difficult to do was to work on myself when there was toxicity around--even in my thoughts. I expect that all my life I wanted people to like me and all my life I believed no one did. It was easier to have a toxic (though I didn’t realize at the time) person to appear to like me.

Stay away from the person, do not think of the person, to not contact via phone, mail, email or carrier pigeon. Do not even think about not contacting that person. Do not even think about thinking about it.

Do not drive by a look to see which windows are lit, or whose car is in the drive or if someone is camped on the front lawn, or if the mail bomb you sent has worked. This no longer concerns you.

When I built my fence and put EVERYBODY on the other side, it was the only way to sort through who would be allowed to cross over. At this point I am no longer dealing with any toxic people. Imagine! It took 68 years. All of you will be luckier.

I have an advantage of being able to support myself, living alone, and have been able to steer clear of toxicity. The last one to tackle was just a few months back, but now my time is my own with no vampires lurking in the corners.

I also found that by saying to myself, “I allowed myself to be dragged into that mess“ or some such, I was not even mentioning the person, and was taking my share of the blame, for not being assertive enough, for being walked over and realized I need to work on ME. I was talking about the incident and what it did to me, not the N himself.

Does this help anyone?

Izzy

P.S. Am off to the dentist who gived me white knuckles.

[Iphi]

good luck at the dentist Izzy

[tayana]

Izzy, yes this helps. 

I'll have to work a little harder at not thinking about contact though.

[Hopalong]

Hi Amber,

I think hypnotherapy might help you with that.
I think it could help many people who feel an intrusive critical voice in their minds.

xo
Hops

[DivineSunshine]

Izzy,

It helps me.  Problem is...I was forced for my safety and my kids sake to go into contact with some former "no contact" folks when I went to no contact with my abusive H.  Get it?

Crap!  Oh well, I still know when to say when with them.  And they are not dangerous, HE IS! 

Her called my FOO first thing when I left to see where I went and try to flush me out and tell on me.......I simply explained what he was doing to me and I had some Stockholm Syndrome going on ...and apparently----physical violence and his utter nonsense trumps anything I ever did to them or anyone else asking them to please leave me alone.  As it should be. 

I DO struggle with the guilt of keeping his children NO CONTACT from him.  I really do.  But he is a master manipulator as well as his rages so all in all, it is the right choice, I know.

I have those little arguments in my head too ----------  I guess if we didn't we would be N's!!

Sunny

[Ami]

Dear Sunny,
  I think that if he is a true sociopath,you have to be very,very careful. They can hurt you at a much deeper level than an N.
  You seem to have very good sense. Trust yourself,friend.                                        Love  Ami

((((((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))))))

[Bella_French]

Thankyou Izzy,

It is so good to hear your experiences, and I really appreciate you sharing such wisdom.

X bella

[lighter]

I understand the NC concept.

I agree.

As for the dentist..... sorry about that.

I now have the dreaded pink eye.... sans little black floaties.

Did you ever figure out what the heck was wrong with your eye? 

I think mine is related to my children's snotty noses..... viral.  Must sit it out and see what happens.

I do know this.... my one littl half blood red eye should be two completely blood red eyes, by Halloween! 

My eyes are bright green and, they're gonna look so cool next to the blood red!  I think I'll be a very scary witch.

[Leah]

Thank you ((( Izzy )))

Very much appreciate your words of wisdom and guidance.

Stay away from the person, do not think of the person, to not contact via phone, mail, email or carrier pigeon. Do not even think about not contacting that person. Do not even think about thinking about it.

It was only a couple of months ago that I had the thought of driving by my NM's front lawn.

Do not drive by a look to see which windows are lit, or whose car is in the drive or if someone is camped on the front lawn, or if the mail bomb you sent has worked. This no longer concerns you.

At a low ebb, for a number of reasons, and felt a desire to drive by.

  Stupidity to have had that thought I know.

However, I did not.

When I built my fence and put EVERYBODY on the other side, it was the only way to sort through who would be allowed to cross over. At this point I am no longer dealing with any toxic people

Thinking about the here and now, i would hope that my protective fence is firmly fixed in a solid foundation of healthy boundaries.

And I can honestly say, that I have arrived at the place I stand now -- due to not having any toxic people within my inner circle boundary. 

Really does make a difference.

I love people, all people, regardless of nationality, race, color, creed, social status etc., my life history testifies to that, but sadly, I am coming to terms with the sad truth that some people may not be beneficial for me, after all, I am a person too.

I was just thinking of all the dysfunctional people, toxic people, who have been in my life all along and the one thing that was difficult to do was to work on myself when there was toxicity around--even in my thoughts. I expect that all my life I wanted people to like me and all my life I believed no one did. It was easier to have a toxic (though I didn’t realize at the time) person to appear to like me.

Stay away from the person, do not think of the person, to not contact via phone, mail, email or carrier pigeon. Do not even think about not contacting that person. Do not even think about thinking about it.

Can so indentify with what you say as many times I have beat myself up for not having worked on myself any sooner --- but looking back the toxic people in my life ensured that there was not a moments peace to do so.   

So thank you again Izzy.

Your words of wisdom have been a validating and affirmative help to me today.


Sincerely hope that your visit to the dentist was not too horrible x


Love

Leah

[Poppy Seed]

Izzy,

I love the idea of taking the N's out of my evaluative sentences.  Because at the end of the day, with me anyway, it is how I am thinking about my N's behavior and what I am doing in terms of self care/boundaries etc.  that allows such pain in my heart.  These statements feel powerful and proactive to me.  If I got myself in, then I can get myself out.  I think being very aware of the things that suck me in.....my weaknesses at the gate......really are my responsibility to fortify.  

I am getting behind the idea that being a little N-ish is a healthy thing.  At first, I couldn't even see that at all because N stuff feels so false.  But I think that being proactive for the self is a good thing I am hoping to master without losing the softer parts of myself that I think are also strengths.

With regards to NC, I am not able to completely end all the contact.  But I can cut them out of my life...without them knowing it, so to speak.  I can take them out of my thoughts.  I can only think about them in very limited ways.  I can stop expecting them to play any role in my life.  I can stop making myself a part of their lives.  I can see them and smile and send cards without getting emotionally involved in any degree.  My T did this with a toxic brother.  She said it made all the difference in the world.  And her brother even treats her better.  But she doesn't budge.  She is disciplined.  She simply doesn't allow herself to care or invest.   Maybe that is surfacy.....in any other situation, I would repremand myself for such behavior.  But in my situation, this seems to be the best solution.  So, Izzy, I agree with you.  My approach is a modification of all that wisdom you have shared.

Lighter and Iz and anyone with ailings,

Sorry 'bout your eye troubles.  ( And Izzy, everything thing else.::hug:  Hot, clean washcloths!!!  I am sending healthy vibes to all of us!!

Poppy

[isittoolate]

good luck at the dentist Izzy

Thanks Iphi.
It was just cleaning, but he used a new instrument. I need very little cleaning because I switch back and forth between toothpaste and household baking soda,,,,,,,,what a difference and my dentist agrees, except for the drop in his pay.

Poor Shunned
Did I ask you to forget the green elephant in the bathtub?  Oh the forgetting is difficult but it can happen When I came to the conclusion that the N was just a 'puff of smoke' and the man I met was never real, then it was easy--as 'it never happened'.

hi tayana
Yes. no contact. It works. Just try....... and soon your world stops teetering in a crazymaking  way and you will have more faith in yourself.

hi sunny
Hang in there! You will prevail! Some cases the person cannot maintain NC, but it should still be as little as possible and perfectly correct, with British aplomb.
Is it ok, legally, to keep the children away from him? N parents just turn children into Ns with too much Contact. After 7 years, age 14-21, my grandson living with N father, has picked up some N traits and I can see where it is headed. He telephoned me about THE BOOK, re his adventure in the North Atlantic, said he would get an autographed one and send to me. I believed that for ½ an hour, then ordered mine from amazon.ca. See? A grandson--lying to me, broken promise. One must be prepared for that and not go into a frenzy. It is the way they are!

Thanks Bella
Well that was 68 years in a nutshell? Not much to b**** about these days!

hi lighter
I know you understand the concept, but are you not one of those who still sleeps with an N?  You are far younger than I, so I have now reached the point of thinking "My God! Those were awful encounters following his 3 hours of computer porn!" How humiliating!

Hi Leah
Really does make a difference.  FOR SHURE!! No Toxics allowed!

Can so indentify with what you say as many times I have beat myself up for not having worked on myself any sooner --- but looking back the toxic people in my life ensured that there was not a moments peace to do so.   

Oh how true, so very true!

(Dentist mentioned earlier, thanks)

Hi Poppyseed

I love the idea of taking the N's out of my evaluative sentences.

Great!!!! What a difference it makes, because the N now loses any power over.
and YES! Accepting the part of you that is responsible for this happening.... depending.... is great! and you still can have you little Nish things like perfume, lipstick, bubble baths, oh..the whole spa treatment!

Without them knowing is exactly what I have done with some. They will forever be on the other side of my fence and not know why--or even wonder, I expect! She simply doesn't allow herself to care or invest Exactly--it works!!

Thanks re my eye--the specialist never called, so I have to look him up and see. All appears well but for a few 'floaters.


Love y'all a bunch

Izzy

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[changing]

Oh Izzy!!!

You have it all- the practical, artistic and philosophical!!!

I am going back to baking soda- I love your remark about the dentist's pay! (Another valuable Izzyfied moment)

As far as no contact, which I was introduced to on this board,it is so wonderful and healing- no constant scab- picking on the N wound, which leads to infection and scarring!!! The healing is so much faster and better!!! Why is does this seem to be a secret?!? I wish that I had known about this before!!!

For those who must reconnect with some no contact people in order to escape from sociopaths, etc- You will get things straight eventually. Get rid of the socio, then consolidate your positiion and say bye-bye to the next level of Ns!

Love and Peace,

Changing

[isittoolate]

Thank you, changing,

--and for stopping by. Good old baking soda!!

No Contact makes so much sense that I agree with you.  However I have had some experiences with the Ns in my life that when I hadn't seen them in a while, I rather thought they might have changed, or I was feeling better, whatever, so when I heard the NC words, I knew it would work.

Sometimes we need to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer!

Love
Izzy

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