Control

[Ami]

Bill mentioned  something   in Tayana's thread  " Delusions "that I thought was very important. He mentioned that the N's "need" to control
 Last night,I forced myself to do the inner child exercises. I saw that a big part of my problem is the need to control, also.
 I saw that I need to appear "perfect"--- even to myself or most especially to myself. My Yorkie is teaching me about this b/c she is hard to housebreak.
  She had a pattern where I would take her for a walk and she would wait until she got home and then go to the bathroom on the floor. I felt like a failure.
  I saw that I have my M's voice in my head telling me that I  never measure up. I could not figure s/thing out on the computer yesterday and I started crying.I have that voice in my head that is always demeaning me when I "fall off" the "perfect "line for behavior OR thought.
  I asked my Aunt if she was mad at herself when she had a "bad"(mean, jealous, petty) thought. She said,"No, everyone thinks all sorts of thoughts."It was that simple.
 Last night,I saw that I do not let myself "be". I am on myself JUST like my M was. With my M,I could never win ----even WHEN I did the right thing. Then,I did not do it the 'right" way.If I did well in school, she would say that it wasn't  that good b/c I had to study too much.I should just be able to "get it" effortlessly. She would tell me to "Fix myself up". When I did, she would say,"Why do you spend so much time on your appearance ?"If my house was a mess,I was "bad'. If I tried to get it good, I was too materialistic.
 THIS was my life( always and in everything). I had to walk the narrowest of roads or I was demeaned. Now,I have her inside my head-- doing the same thing.I keep trying to "control" to make her go away. I saw it last night.
 I saw that I could simply "let" my Yorkie have accidents and   NOT  personalize them as relating to my "worth".
 I see how I had these impossible standards and I always felt l like I was failing.So,  I  gave  up. My house was a mess and I  was "paralyzed".(in everything)I was afraid to try b/c that "voice" would demean me until I wanted to cringe.It just hurt too badly to "risk" it and try anything.
 I think that I let go of something big last night. Thank you for  listening               Love  Ami

[cats paw]

Hi Ami,

  Just wanted to take a minute to reply to your new thread.  I can relate, very much, to the critical voices of our mother's echoing in our heads.  It requires unlearning, then learning.  I think it's analogous to learning the way to hit a ball optimally from the beginning, rather than having to unlearn original habits.

  Would you like to say anything about your upcoming trip this weekend? Is it something fun you're looking forward to, or is it more of a necessary trip?  Do you have a laptop, or will you be taking a short break from the board?

  As you say, feel free to compost and/or not answer any queries.
 
cats paw

[Ami]

Dear Cat,
  You are so sweet to ask and remember. We are going to see my son at school. I will find a computer. You guys can get me through the way you did at my party.
 For me, going out of my comfort zone forces me to "confront" patterns that I can push away more easily when I am in comfortable surroundings.
  Last night, when I did the inner child exercises,i realized that the "root" of many of my fears is that I am "lonely" from myself. I "sacrifice" myself to please other people when my true self is screaming,'What about me? Don't I matter" Aren't I important?"
  I think that the "decision" to sacrifice myself was an early child hood decision. Amber and Iphi talked about it in recent posts. This gave me the idea about it.
  I have "abandoned" myself and my needs for so long that I feel disconnected to myself. It is the opposite of "centered'.
  I don't trust myself to be "my own best friend" and my own advocate.I think that many fears and depression is coming from that.
  I  probably had no choice in childhood about having to make this decision.My M was never violent,but I really was "surprised" that it did not get there. She was "out of control". I could not be the "kid". The motto of the house was that she HAD to feel good about herself at any cost. The cost was "me"( and everyone else)
Thank you, Cat for asking. I would really like to just stay in a "small room'. However,I know that the room can never get small enough ---like Howard Hughes.So,I will simply keep trying to face what is the "root" of all this pain, fear and depression. All these are symptoms of 'false thinking:(IME).
If I keep trying to "root" out the cause,one day I may be normal(lol)  . Love to You Cat  ,    Ami

[tayana]

Hey Am,

I understand what you mean.  My mother always had to have everything perfect.  How's this for insanity?  If my brother goes out there, she cleans the house, cooks a big meal and goes to great lengths to make him welcome.  If anyone else was coming, like my aunt and uncle, well then she'd start home improvement projects she'd been talking about for weeks.

I understand all about perfectionism.  My mother instilled in me a crippling need to be perfect.  I posted my perfectionism exercise a few days ago.  Think about that.  Is it really worth putting on your gravestone?  Are the things you feel a failure really that important?  This exercise helped a lot, and last night, I had to remind myself:

It's okay that the house is messed up.  I don't feel very good right now.  I'm angry and I feel betrayed.

The other night I talked to my brother for longer than I intended, and I ended up not getting M started on his homework until 10.  Well, by then he was tired, cranky and didn't want to do it.  I was  stressed, and I didn't feel up to the homework battle.  So I let him use a calculator.  I figured it wouldn't matter, except he got in trouble for it.  Then I felt terribly guilty, so I wrote the teacher a note this morning, explaining that the whole thing was my fault and idea, not M's.  I explained a little of why, not in great detail, just a little.  Somehow telling M's teacher that my mother is a psycho, probably isn't the wisest thing.

If it makes you feel better, my dog used to do that trick about going out then coming in to puddle in the floor.  I finally got him trained though.  It just took a while.

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  It is a slow change. I do see change ,but it is slow. I have to be willing to "let out the pain" and to "feel "it as it comes out.
  I have to see depression and fear as opportunities  to grow .I am doing this
                                                                                               Ami

[Lupita]

After a very good concert where I recieved standing ovation, in the middle of all people congratulating me, my mother told me she heard my mistakes.
Every time I was having a good time she did what she could to destroy it. It was like she wanted me to be unhappy. She hated when I was happy.