just wondering

[betr4]

I know sharing with others and getting the thoughts out of my head is very healthy and helps clarify my thoughts.  However, I was looking out the window at the back field and I saw a rabbit just casually hopping along and eating the grass.  It occurred to me that when I am doing other positive activities and being interested in other things that I feel much better than when I am focused on the n or the life I have lived with the n.

When I was younger and married to an active drinker, I knew I could not live with him and the chaos he created. I divorced and got on with my life.  2 years later I married the nh I am married to now, 33 years later.  I have filed for divorce 5 times and separated too many time to count, at his prompting.  When I leave he comes to visit me and we act as if I am on a vacation.  Then he leaves me from there.  Totally insane.

Now I just really wonder if and how long I am going to stay in this non marriage.  I really want to cut it off and have no contact at all and when he comes around acting as if all is well, I want to be gone.  Just don't yet know how I'll do it.  I know he will crash and that is when I "have to help him".  He hits bottom completely at cannot function and all our financial responsibilities fall on me and I handle them all.  Then he gets better and takes off again into his other world.  I just want my life and out of anything involving the nh.  If he falls, he falls, he was never there for me and I believe that is how I had to become strong within myself.  BR

[Poppy Seed]

Betr4,

I don't know what you should do, but it sounds like you aren't leaving because you are worried about his reaction.  You do NOT have to take care of him.  He can choose to handle it or he can crash.  Maybe he needs to crash to learn he can pick himself up.  The bottom line is that it is NOT your responsibility.  If that kind of detachment makes you feel uncomfortable or guilty like he is being abandoned in his time of trouble, then give him to God.  (Not sure if you are religious or not so forgive the assumption.)  No one is better able to handle bringing your H what and who he needs,  when he needs it.  And then set yourself free.

I am in the process of doing it.  The more I detach, the more real love I feel --- for myself and for my H and others.  I am more able to discern how much to give to another and what is proper giving. 

Good luck.  I am not saying it is easy.  I certainly haven't mastered it yet.  But, I know that the principles work and they are very liberating even though we fear that if we do them we will become unloving.  The exact opposite is true.  We become less controlling and more trusting and more balanced and in that space our inner richness can express itself more genuinely and with strength. 

I was also wondering, if you have tried to leave that many times, what is your payoff for staying? 

Love,
Poppy

[Ami]

Dear BR,
  This is how I see it. There is some part of you(probably subconscious) that "fits" with the N or the alcoholic. IMO,you need to really look within to your deep beliefs.I do this with the inner child exercises. Other people do it other ways.It is easy to think that the "other person is a"jerk".
  However, we have to face how we chose them and heathier people would have '"run for the hills"
 I stayed with My H ,partly, b/c I knew that I would repeat and God Help me,I didn't want to repeat.
  Compost what needs composting                          Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BR))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[betr4]

I really appreciate the input.  I know noone can tell me what to do.  I also know that aside from the marriage my life is really fillled with wonderful people and events.  I am blessed in many ways.
I did throughout the marriage get to the end of my tolerance and file for divorce.  "He" would crash and become totally dependent on me for emotional support and "it" always "seemed" real at the time.  Gradually the old patterns were back in place and he was gone again. By that time I was so involved with things that become part of my life.   Each time the crashes are worse and the things he gets involved with get bigger.
I was always left with family and financial and homefront responsibilities and he knew I was strong enough to handle them and would leave.  He left me with everything and I rose to the occasion.  Lost me  in the process.  Our financial situation is bigger and better and very complicated right now.  He has gotten into some heavy ventures.   So I stay status quo as each day passes.  He is gone most of the time now and has almost entirely left, physically at least.
I am beginning to understand and accept that he is gone and I have to make my own decisions, whether or not he approves or not.  He is gone and I have to live accordingly. 
I was married, even without the man present and he was single even with a wife and family. 
I know without a doubt that he has some sort of mental disorder that he keeps under tight control until he loses control of some part of it and then his whole personality crashes.  I was strong enough in the past to be there whenever.  Now I want to be strong enough to let go.   I can't save this marriage any longer.
BR

[betr4]

I really need those kinds of questions Shunned.  I used to be so threatened whenever I talked about the truth. Then I would feel guilty and bury myself in his denial.  I was backward in my thinking.  Safe with the h in denial and fearful of anyone who might offer support for me getting out or away from "him".    I am much stronger now and I am so relieved about that.  I do want those answers and I feel like I have gotten past a lot of the grieving.I was stuck in grief for years, although I didn't know it was grief. 
  I know the  h  will never be over whatever he is afflicted with.  I can accept that.  Being apart from him does bring clarity and my life does move forward.  The h's projection is so strong.  Conflict and denial are the operatives when I am with him.   And I cannot live with either of those any longer and all the insanity.   

One truth about my life today is that I am so invested in my own life and recovery that I am no longer so totally invested in the h or our non marriage.  I spent so much time on "him" and he broke marriage that I didn't have energy left for much else.  I have worked hard for years to reinvest and rediscover myself and now I can see and feel the results of that hard work.
In the past I gave up on myself to incorporate the h back into my life whenever he totally crashes.  Hopefully, I won't do it again.  Today I can make the choice for myself.
The longer he stays away, the more time and attention I have to add to my own life.  One day at a time I am working on me.  I am happy about that.  I will not be so quick to give it away again.  I am okay on my own and I think I can handle whatever comes as long as I keep paying attention to me and all the blessings and wonderful people, places, and things in my life.
Thanks, Betsy

[wiltay]

Betsy, 33 years of an unsatisfactory marriage is a lot of grief to deal with.  For myself there is such a deep desire to salvage something from a huge amount of my life that seems such a waste when I look back on it and so I don't want to let it go and I don't want to give up and 'admit defeat,' (a self-defeating way to look at it if there ever was one!) but I can't move on until I do.   Somebody posted a link not long ago about 'starting over.'  If I can find the link again I'll post it.  Basically it's how you can't let all your 'false starts' stop you.  They are inevitable, they are part of the process. When you find yourself sucked back in again you just have to say 'Ooops, that's the same mistake again!'  and just START OVER again without giving yourself a hard time about it.  Don't shame yourself and don't think or analyze about why you slipped again, just do it, no matter how many times it takes. But don't stop doing it! This will continually re-focus you on what you really want and eventually you will get there.  I have been doing this for awhile now and it does work.  An inch at time, but it's real progress.   Don't let the grief stop you and keep looking forward, not backward.  It was a very helpful article, does anyone remember where it was?

Bill

[Ami]

Dear Bill,
  That was very profound. Thank you so much. You make such a unique and positive contribution ,here.          Love     Ami

[betr4]

Thanks Bill,
I look at my situation now as bigger than the marriage.  When I defined my life by the marriage, it was depressing and horrible to think I had wasted my life.  I had to look at the bigger picture and practice recognizing all the other people and life that happened during those 33 years.
It is sad and frustrating to say the least that the marriage was such a waste, but I am seeing that having that perspective is better than clumping my whole life and children's life under the sick marriage.
It did effect all of us and it was something I would never want to endure again, but like I said, I have to keep it in perspective and know that good things were there too. I somehow survived it and for that I am grateful.
Thanks for all your insights.  It really helps to talk this out for clarity.
BR

[changing]

Hi Betr4-

You are a precious person with a great potential for life. Don't look back- if the marriage is over, you deserve your freedom and joy. It may be new and sometimes uncomfortable, but ultimately much happier than carrying the rotting carcass of a dead marriage on your back!!!

I am going through similar things and can only say that I  love the people here for helping me detach from my NH. The downtimes are only when I have to deal with him and his ugly antics. And the up times are heavenly!!!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

I am getting  a sense from reading this thread that we really DON"T have to be defined by our past--------        Love   Ami


(((((((((((((((((All of us)))))))))))))))))))))))

[betr4]

Thank you Changing,
It sure was a dead carcus and I sure did carry it around.  Just lugged it everywhere I went.  
Whenever the nh came back, life "started over" until he left again.  Then I went to lugging it again.  Sure got heavy.  I never thought of it that way at all.  Thanks for the insight.  Was a day a truth like that would scare me to death and I would just deny all the more. Now I am so relieved to be heard and discover new truths.  
I am finding that I need to stay active and busy doing good things so I won't fall into feeling sad or alone.  Thanks for sharing and caring.
BR

[betr4]

My past kept happening over and over.  The cycle I was in for so long was a very deep rut.
I am more and more able to live in the present the longer I am separated from the nh.  He needs me to live in the past with him.  I can't any longer. It has become too painful.  I am not afraid to face my past and I am working through it.  I invest in each new day.
Thanks for all the support.
BR

[wiltay]

Thank you so much, Ami.  (place an emoticon of a swelling heart right here).  I know the many people on this board who know and love you feel the same way about you.

Bill

[towrite]

 I can't save this marriage any longer.
BR

There you go, BR! Write that on your walls, on your mirrors with lipstick, makes signs, put it on your answering machine, make a banner! Yes!!!  BR is taking charge of her life!!!!

(((BR)))

Kate

[Ami]

Dear Bill,
  I want to thank you so much for your heart warmimg words. I needed them so badly today. I am becoming "real" and as much as I wanted to be "real",it really hurts,too.
  When I came home and found those uplifting words, it helped me feel that there are beautiful things in life like kindness and goodness.
  Thanks for being such a good friend.                  Love   Ami

 (((((((((((((((Bill)))))))))))))))))))))))))))