puzzled and upset about my brother

[towrite]

I have a younger brother who lives an hour and a half away. I am puzzled and hurt that he's been so nasty to me in recent emails.

He told me about a month ago in a long phone call that he hated his job and was afraid of being canned - almost everyone in his company feels the same way, including his regional manager. He said he was going to some seminars put on by other companies in his field that week to see if better opportunities were available. Another week passed and I didn't hear from him. So I called him to see what the outcome was. He didn't answer. I left a vm. He didn't return the call. I called again two days later. Again he didn't return the call. So I emailed him, asking if he was depressed - too depressed to talk. In response I got this furnace blast about how g--d depressed he was, hell yes he was depressed after what he'd been through in the last five years - completely blowing my head off. I wrote him back and told him if he needed to talk I'd listen but please not to take it out on me.

Then this weekend I was trolling the www looking for jobs for myself when I came across two jobs in his field. I emailed him the pages. The next day I got a response for him that he appreciated my effort but "when and if" he went job hunting, he'd do it by himself.

It's hard not to flash back to discounting from my childhood, but his responses seem so bitter - and why are they directed at me? Now he will not answer his phone or respond to my emails. I've asked him for an explanation of why he's treating me this way and all I get is silence.

I know he hates it when I'm bossy - as I can be - but I have really strived not to be and don't believe either of my emails to him were bossy. It just hurts when he does this - and it's not the first time. He's in frequent contact with our M.

Is it me?

[Ami]

Dear Towrite,
  I stopped calling my brother b/c he was nasty to me. After reading about the N family, it is typical to have dissension between the siblings. It is almost inevitable.
  The N family is so toxic and the N M does not want "alliances" between the siblings b/c it could diminish  her "power" and "rule".
 I think that in a family dominated by N's-- everything stinks.
  I am sorry,Kate.I bet that you are a wonderful sister and a wonderful friend. I don't think that it is you or that you are too "bossy".
  I think that the N sets up the family for every one to be at odds with each other.           Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((((((Towrite)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[JanetLG]

Towrite,

I think he's taking it out on you. It's not your fault, IMO.

I have been accused of being 'bossy' by others, too. I saw one of those cushions with 'inspirational sayings' on them once, and I was so tempted to get it. It said :

"I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas."   

That might be what is happening here.


Janet

[Hopalong]

Not at all anything remotely about you, Towrite.

He's just rejecting your support right now, so you'll have to save it on a shelf for when he's ready to be courteous again.

hugs
Hops

[teartracks]

towrite,

I'm agreeing with the others.  My read is that your brother is like a pressure cooker about his circumstances.   It's hard to be rebuffed when all you want to do is help.  I can only imagine how bad he's feeling and you too.   Keep on loving him (that may involve just not saying anything) and give him all the space he needs to get through this hard time.  My two cents.

tt

[Bella_French]

Dear towrite,

I think it was really nice of you to spend some time trying to help your brother out; what a wonderful sister you are!

I am sorry that you didn't receive the sort of reaction you deserved for your efforts; that must kind of hurt. I don't think your helping him was `bossy' behaviour at all- it was just being helpful.

Is your brother kind of the Golden Child in your family? if so, that could explain a few things.

X Bella

[towrite]

I asked him to please explain why he was treating me like this and this morning I got another angry email from him in which he told me "do not contact me again." Said I "inserted myself into his lif" by sending him those job sites on the internet. I am really, really hurt.

[towrite]

Janett, I love that quote! I'm going to put it on my wall. Talk about turning a criticism into a positive!!  Thanks.

Ami, I think you are absolutely right about N families and no alliances. I had not thought about that. My whole family always dumped on me 'cuz for some reason they thought I could take it - all my life. When my father's mother died, I had to fly back from graduate school. When I arrived at my grandmother's house, it was full of people, drinking and eating. I made my way to the kitchen in search of my father who collapsed in my arms when he saw me, sobbing. It was the first time he'd shed a tear even tho' he was very close to his mother.

Your thoughts triggered another memory - my mother always talked about my middle brother (deceased now) and me to each other. She set us against each other by telling each of us terrible things about the other one. After that was well-ingrained, she changed her tactics and told each of how wonderful the other was and why couldn't we be more like the other. It worked. My poor brother (not the one I'm writing about) never got over the envy and jealousy she implanted in him and went to his death hating me 'cuz he believed my mother loved me more - which was the furtherest thing from the truth ever.

So you see how right-on you were! Many thanks.

Kate

P.S. I love learning new things and getting new perspectives on situations. You've given me food for thought, you generous angel.

[Guest5]

I'm so sorry this happened.  I imagine you're feeling bad about it.  I've had this happen to me, so I can empathize.  But, please realize that you have no control over him, or anyone else, for that matter.

What I did to deal with this was detach:  Still love my sibling, but respect their wishes for 'no contact'.  I started letting my sibling follow their course, live their life, no matter how I felt about the 'mistakes' I thought they were making.  I realzied that it's their life and they should live it the way they want.  I let go of my desire to 'fix' their mistakes and help them.

It's really hard to watch someone we love go down what we consider to be (and may in reality be) the wrong path, but we have no choice in the matter.  It's their life, not ours.  All we can do is love them and pray for them.  When they are ready, they will hopefully let us back into their life.  This is what I mean by detachment.

hope you feel better.

[towrite]

All the old tapes are starting - "What did I do wrong?" ....  "I must be a bad person for him to be angry with me"  ...  I never knew why my parents took everything out on me and developed the belief that I was at fault but despairing 'cuz I'd never be able to figure out why. This reaction from my brother has restarted that machine - "What did I do that was so wrong to make him THIS angry with me?"  I feel so much despair, so bad about myself.

[Poppy Seed]

All the old tapes are starting - "What did I do wrong?" ....  "I must be a bad person for him to be angry with me"  ...  I never knew why my parents took everything out on me and developed the belief that I was at fault but despairing 'cuz I'd never be able to figure out why. This reaction from my brother has restarted that machine - "What did I do that was so wrong to make him THIS angry with me?"  I feel so much despair, so bad about myself.

Towrite,

I am reading your last post, and I feel like I am listening to my own thoughts.  Your brother sounds like he is dealing with a lot of feelings right now.  Sorry he lashed out at you.  Maybe that is all he had in him that day.  Doesn't sound like it had anything to do with you.  Maybe he was hoping you would see how stressed he was but was communicating in a completely backwards sort of way.....I don't know.  I just don't think it was you.  Do you normally have healthy connection/conversation with him?  Or is it an up and down sort of thing?

When you find yourself listening to the old tapes and you find yourself believing it all again, what usually helps you to break out of it? 
My Melody Beattie book talks about how important it is to detach from our loved ones when they are "in" their stuff.  (Sounds to me like that is where you brother was that day. )  What helps you to detach??  These experiences are huge buttons for me and they drag me right into my most unproductive thinking.

 
Poppy

[towrite]

Bless you Poppy for your insight. Yes, we normally have a healthy and productive rel'ship. We have and can have 2-3 hour conversations just talking about things that trouble us, our childhoods, problems at work, etc. I know I am taking this too personally - it probably is connected to the bad place in his life rather than to anything I actually did. (Altho' he believes he has something concrete to blame me for.) It's a bad time for me, too, right now - I didn't need to lose contact with him at this particular moment. But I guess we don't get to pick and choose the "moments". I have a visceral pain in my chest from it, but mostly I feel very,very sad.

[Poppy Seed]

Towrite,

I hear you on the pain in your chest bit.  I hate that feeling.  I think he loves you....but your sending of the job listings maybe pushed an insecurity button in him.  You can gently hand that back to him.  Cause that feeling belongs to him.  But maybe he is not as angry at you as it seems.  Just feeling like everything that happens points to his weakness.....(guessing....)

Is this something that the two of you could talk out together....maybe approach him and talk about it in really calm and non-reactive terms?  Seems to me that maybe there is something that could be ironed out.  And then you wouldn't have to be without him.  But if he is refusing to talk....what can you do?  Maybe drop him a bag of oreos and a gallon of milk and tell him you are so sorry about his job, but please talk to me. I don't know.  Silliness could lighten the mood....maybe.  Or just showing him that you are the kind of sister that can listen and NOT solve all his problems might soften his heart a bit.  Sometimes my family will offer suggestions or helpful service, but it is not what I really want or need.  Sometimes I feel invisable to them because all they care about it whether or not their gesture was received the way they wanted....of course they are controlling N people and they hate it when I don't allow them to save the day and look perfect....... but I know the power of someone who truly listens to my feelings no matter how weird or irrational or different they may seem.  If you have had a good relationship with him in the past, I bet he was feeling some painful belief about himself and didn't know anything else but to push back on you so he wouldn't feel that way.

I hate these kinda things.  I have this ideal world wish thingy in me that wants these bumps in the road to go away quickly and for the two parties to be better friends because they got through it together.  Wishful thinking for you towrite.  Sorry things are so hard right now. 

Poppy

[Iphi]

towrite - I'm so sorry.  The sibling relationship is such a tough one.  Heck, all N family relationships are tough and detachment, which is really the best goal and Guest5's post is so great, is so hard to practice and learn, I find.

I backed way, way off my relationship with my sister some years ago.  We talk occasionally and my goal is to keep each interaction positive and to avoid the many pitfalls of behavior on my own part - the only part I can do anything about.  But I also recognize she has her part that she has to be responsible for.

You brother has to be responsible for his own behavior, for his own part.  You are not making him act any way.   If he is annoyed with you there about a million better ways to address it, but he doesn't have those skills and is not making an effort - that is his responsibility and it is not your place to teach him or school him.  I very much agree with Guest about detachment.

It occurs to me that your NM probably tries to control him, yes?  If so he is probably really, really touchy about anything he perceives as control.  Compost it if you like!

((((((towrite!))))))

[Gaining Strength]

towrite- I am echoing what several others have said.  I see that you are hurt and I identify with the pain of having a helping hand rejected in such a harsh way but I suspect that each of you are having your old wounds tortured by this experience in very idfferent ways.

I suspect he is in such severe pain over his situation and even though you sympathize with him and want very much to help and offer support some sense of shame and inadequacy in his past experiences is powerfully tapped into by his situation and perhaps oddly enough by your concern and offers of help.  His rage seems to me to come out of shame and helplessness and fear.  I think he is feeling inadequate and fearful and powerless.

You are clearly feeling rejected and I see how painful that is for you.  I'm not sure why your offers of concern and help are triggering his shame but perhaps you can think back to your early family life and figure it out.  Could it have something to do with your mother's way of treating him when he needed something?

I'm am sorry for your pain and do hope that with the passage of time he will come around.  I hope you can find a way to keep the door open for him.  Your friend - GS