Emotional Vampires

[Leah]

Hello BR,

Well to be honest, my best friend disappeared off the scene whilst I embarked on learning about Personality Disorders and Nism
for she found it to be "too negative" ...... she is a staunch member of the 'positive thinking movement' .... that is her choice and I accept that.

We are now back in touch, but not as close as we were before as now that I am a divorced person I am deemed 'negative'

Here people think that you are crazy if you dare mention anything at all to do with Nism ..... so I don't.

It is only here on the forum that I can have a voice.

But I do not have a vocal voice as a fairly knowledgable person.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Hi betr4

I just stumbled on here and from all my posts in the past 5 years, we have discovered that if someone has NOT been dealing with an N, they have absolutely NO idea what you are talking about. You are the one who will appear crazy

Someone said it was like trying to explain different colours to a man blind from birth.

I went through the same with people then finally shut up as they were not reacting as I thought they would.

It's only here, and other N forums, where one is understood!

Love
Izzy

I was thinking about my N-relationships in context of this discussion, and while I did feel the life totally sucked out of me, it wasn't because those particular people talked a lot about their feelings or needed a lot of emotional support.

I think the reason I was so drained around N's is that I was constantly trying to assert boundaries (since they are such disrespectful people with really skewed emotional needs)  and then being punished for setting those limits. In my romantic relationships with N's, if they weren't getting what they wanted from me emotionally, which was usually something sadistic and totally inappropriate, , I'd be threatened with abandonment, cheated on, locked out of the house, have my possessions damaged, verbally abused, given the cold shoulder, or any other number of cruel punishments. 

That was what drained the life out of me, and I could barely function after a while. I winded up getting very sick physically too..

I think this is different to, say, people who legitimately need emotional support because they have been abused or raised by N-parents. I think it is easy enough to prevent ourselves from getting drained by `normal' people, by just knowing our own limits and with-drawing when necessary. With a normal person, this is easy enough to do and will not be met with N-like  punishment.

X bella

[Leah]

Again, I apologise for writing down my thoughts regarding my friend's energy in respect to my searching for answers.

And as you have written Bella, the Emotional Vampires are the N's in our lives

Not us who seek answers and healing.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Hi LeahsRainbow,

Thats so weird that your friend thought your search for answers was `too negative' or something. Actually I had a close friend who I lived with, too, who acted that way when I was getting myself out of my last N-relationship. She wasn't exactly a proponent for the   `positive-thinking' movement, but she was into new age things (like using crystals and potions to  change personality traits and feelings). She basically believed that I should be able to just let it all go, and she complained a lot about my negative energy and failure to move forward instantaneously.

But I think what was really going on was that during my `grief-phase', I was wisening up to the abuse, and really beginning to understand the dynamics of what I'd experienced. She was one of my sounding boards and I valued her so much, but after a while it was very confronting for her because the clearer I saw things, the more clear it became that she was, herself, extremely abusive and untrustworthy towards men, mostly, but also in context of our friendship.

The result of that phase of my healing was that I had a different perspective and I became stronger, wiser, and developed much better boundaries, all of which my friend did not like or want. It finally resulted in my rejecting the friendship.

In any case, i think its unrealistic for anyone to go straight from N-abuse to bouyant happiness, without going through that `de-briefing' phase, where one focuses on what happened and tries to makes sense of it. In spite of the criticism I received, that process changed me for the better, i think.

ANyway I'm sorry you copped a bit of flack for that too LeahsRainbow. I'd say don't listen to it; your friend most likely has other motives for saying what she said.

X bella

[Hopalong]

Absolutely, Bella...

i think its unrealistic for anyone to go straight from N-abuse to bouyant happiness, without going through that `de-briefing' phase, where one focuses on what happened and tries to makes sense of it.

It is hard when people we're close to don't understand how much concentrated repitition it takes to get past the initial shock of recognition and into leaving it behind. It's not just 9 months' gestation!

Makes this board and anyone at all who has been there, such a gift.

Hops

[Bella_French]

I totally agree Hops! It really is a gift to be around others who understand (like you:)

X Bella

[wiltay]

I think 'vampire' is a very relevant concept in regard to some people, not only Ns.  Unfortunate that this book seems to make a sales gimmick out of a valid idea(IMO) which is hardly the first time for a self-help book!   It makes you wonder if the original story-book idea of vampires actually came from someone's real experience with a real person.  Very likely.  Vampires are real!  Ns really NEED to prey on other people to function in the world and like a vampire they are always looking for people to give them what they need.   Most of the Ns I've known (family excepted of course) have found ME, not the reverse.  They cultivated me in some way, similar to the way a pedophile zeros in on a vulnerable child, not just any child. 

   But I don't want to play the victim too much because if I didn't have the right 'blood type' they would have passed me by and as soon as you've made it crystal clear you wont feed them anymore they have no further use for you.   I've thought a lot about how I have attracted them (past tense I trust!).  One theory I have is that when I feel so UN-entitled to my own self, when I  experience someone who feels TOTALLY entitled to anything and everything, I want to vicariously experience their sense of entitlement,  so I give generously.  At the same time of course, there is this huge pretense of a give and take relationship, which of course the N can only mimic and is completely incapable of reciprocating in any meaningful way.   Food for thought. Thanks for passing this along, Leah.

Bill

[betr4]

This is all  really beginning to sink in and make more sense to me.  Some of the confusion is going away.   Especially sorting out who is draining whom.
Yes, I was exhausted by trying to enforce my boundaries, get some answers,stay somewhat sane and stay connected to myself in the presence of my h. That would be totally exhausting.  Then when h would leave/disappear again, I would literally have to sleep for 2 days and on the 3rd day feel the life and energy coming back into me.
The whole time, I knew this was happening and I could not understand it or make it stop.  Everything I did made the situation with the h worse.
 
I thought I needed him.  I am seeing now that his leaving was my saving grace.  I did need a husband and companion and someone to love but the nh was not the "him" I needed him to be.

I was talking today to someone who got irritated when I talked about life with the n.  The comment was made that I needed to get past it and forget it ever happened.  "Get over it".  I did say in reply, it is my life and I lived it.  I can heal from the pain, but what happened will always be a part of my life.  I don't feel that I am being negative about it here when I share.  And I do know that I have to keep getting it out.

I sure appreciate knowing that here I can repeat it until I finally work it out of my system.  I love my 12 step group , but... I did not feel the support I feel here.  And the sharing I can do here is an entirely different approach to my recovery.  This is really giving me air to breathe.

 BR

[Ami]

I went to 12 step groups for 15 years. There was more of a shallow quality than the board. Also, even there , no one seemed to have a mother like mine. People in the 12 step groups were "shocked" at my M .Now, THAT is depressing.That was part of the reason that I "gave up". If even people in 12 step groups have never heard of s/one like my M, I am "screwed" with a capital S. Then,I gave up.
 When I found the board, people understood. It is the first place that I have ever been where people understood. Most people have never met s/one with NPD. Or if they have it is a once in a lifetime thing(IME)
   People simply don't know how bad it is.To make it worse, relatives and neighbors never know either, so you think that you are "crazy" for even thinking that the NPD is "off".my Aunt ( her sister) never knew how bad her sister was.
   It is really a horrible thing. I can see hope now. It is in finding my core that "normal' people take for granted.
  To have your own M want to destroy you b/c you have a better trained dog, better kids etc,etc cannot be explained to "normal' people. Who would "get it"? They would want to blame us b/c it is too painful to contemplate. they think that we are "making it up"
 Betsy, I know what you mean about the 12 step groups .They are a support system ,but they get really nervous if you "don't get over it fast enough."               Love Ami

[betr4]

Ami,
When I went to counselling years ago I told what was happening and I made the comment that, "this is something different, you probably haven't heard of this before."  The counsellor listened and then said to me, "you're right, we aren't equipped to deal with this, too much for us."  I was totally stunned.  Wondered what I would do then. 
The journey continues.
My recovery group is great like I said.  But to this day I have not met anyone there who has this same situation.  So I get what support I can from them and participate to a degree.
I am feeling disconnected from them.  Besides the nh has joined the group and made it "his".  They all know him now and "love" him.  Mostly women in the group.  He started an all men's group.  So he has ended up so far in his protected men's  group and meetings with my support friends.  I was very threatened at first, but of course I have learned to function without giving up my support group.
I had to get over not trusting the group and also feeling so betrayed with they accepted him and I heard so much about him from them.
Now it is pretty clear that I have my own life and we are not living together.
I still am somewhat uncomfortable with the group.  So I love sharing here where he is not.
BR

[Ami]

i think what N's do if you want to distill it in to a sentence(if you can) is that they "steal" our cores. We lose what is essentially "us". They have no core so they are threatened by any type of core in us. They don't stop until we are a shadow of a person--as insecure and lost as they are  . When they are done with us, we have no core, also.                 Ami

[wiltay]

Betsy, the AA/Co-dep (whichever) groups will never 'catch on'  to your h of course, it's far too superficial of a setting because it's so monotopic (my 2 cents).   I'm not disparaging the program,  because it works for a lot of people to keep them off alcohol/deal with alcoholics,  but the meetings are full of 'dry drunks' IMO, not people who are necesssarily emotionally healthy.   He's completely in his element most likely,  easily charming people like most Ns can do in social situations.  My sense is that you should 'watch your back'  if you have the same acquaintances/friends in the program.

Bill

[wiltay]

I think you're right on, Ami.  Ns are empty vessels trying to 'even the playing field.'

Bill

[Ami]

Dear Bill,
  I saw that the N steals your core--today. Now,when I have a  painful feeling like depression or fear,I journal until I can get to the root of it. I am so surprised at what I find.
  I still have that core inside that is kind,loving,giving, fun and all the other qualities that she tried to stomp out. They have been hidden under all the shame messages that I took on. I squished them down---but they are under there. The key is digging up and throwing away the core of shame.
  When I feel painful feelings, I don't feel so desperate. It is the real me trying to tell me to pay attention. Usually s/thing needs to be "thrown off".  Thanks for the simplicity of your words, Bill.                               Love   Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Bill, I think this was an amazing insight:

One theory I have is that when I feel so UN-entitled to my own self, when I  experience someone who feels TOTALLY entitled to anything and everything, I want to vicariously experience their sense of entitlement,  so I give generously.

I think I've moved past this particular thing. I hope anyway.

But it is SUCH an apt explanation for why I kept falling over and over into a kind of frantic giving, in my relationships with Ns.

Thank you,
Hops