Buried Under Distortions

[Ami]

.I need an over haul on a lot of things. My thinking has been distorted since I accepted that my M was "normal" at age 14. That left ME  to be the "abnormal' one. I took on so many layers of distortions. I am trying to weed out the distortions.
   This is my current "dilemma". I started a friendship with Maria when I was "weak" She helped me and  I helped her. A few weeks ago,I took a stand on not giving money out for her problems. I got "stronger". That turned out fine. However,I just feel oppressed by the whole relationship.
  Here is the problem. I don't know what part is "me" and what part is "her "or the 'history 'of all the difficulties. I don't trust myself b/c I have so many distortions about myself, life and woman. My M put such a "hex" on me as far as having relationships with woman( and everything else). It is so hard for me to trust woman. I get "paralyzed " .I get like I can't move .I get a huge depression and oppression come over me. None of that is anyone else's "fault"
   I feel the sense of all the lies and distortions that I took on about life and myself bearing down so heavily on me. I feel like I see life through huge distorted lenses. I feel like I am looking at one of the mirrors in the 'fun house" and I am distorted. However,I wish it was as simple as walking away from the freakin mirror.The "mirror" is inside me and has been there for a LONG time. I guess that maybe I am making progress b/c I sense  that much of what I think and feel is not "real". It is distorted.
   I talked to my Aunt today. She  is a "normal' person. I picked her brain. I asked her about friendships, accepting and loving yourself. I felt centered  when I got off. My Aunt lives in reality about herself and life.THAT would be "normal" as I define it. That is what I want..
  Anyway, I see that my Aunt can see herself and life as it is. I am buried under all these falsehood. Scott Peck's second book was about a woman who was "out there'. Peck got her to go back to the very first lie that she accepted as true. She had to face all the lies that she took on after that first big one. As she faced them all, she healed.
  I took on the big lie that my M was "normal". From then on, my whole reality  was FORCED  in to THAT  distorted lens. Now, I am "stuck" in the distorted mirror.
  I guess that is the problem. The mirror in the fun house is permanently attached to me.
  At least,I know what the problem is. It is trying to dig and dig and face and face until I hit the truths about life and myself. I faced the worst  one ,already. That one is that my M is mentally ill. Now, I have to let go of  all the lies that I took on SO that I could believe  that ONE distortion about her.I just kept twisting and twisting myself so she could be "normal"
  Maria is not the issue. Whatever is the problem or not the problem in the relationship is not the issue. The issue is that I have layers and layers of distortions. I am on the bottom drowning and trying to find a little hole where I can get some air.
                               Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  It doesn't sound harsh.It sounds beautiful. Thank you so much.It sounds so beautiful to think that I am sane. I am just sobbing b/c i want to be sane so badly.  I am praying for you to feel better, Amber.                                           

[betr4]

The only way I can get out and stay out of the distortions (people, places, and things) is to have really strong boundaries.  And by doing this the people ("of the lie") in my family just fade away.
I cannot go back into many of my past relationships at the present time because I have gotten past the distortions and refuse to live in the denial and insanity they are still in.  Leaves no room for mature, loving contact.  So I made new friends and life for me and didn't need teir approval.  
I invest in myself instead of investing so heavily in their games that always leave me devestated and alone anyway.
Today is a better day for me and the clarity from distancing myself from the toxic people is like heaven.  I need to practice more doing things that make me feel happiness as i am somewhat prone to saddness.
Reading and sharing these post really inspires and encourages me and i can feel strength from it.
Thanks BR

[Poppy Seed]

Betr4,

What helps you stop needing their approval?  Is is just the moxy God put in you or did you have practice at it for a while?

Poppy

[JanetLG]

Ami,

It's not surprising that you feel that relationships with women overwhelm you - because the first and most important relationship you ever had in your life (the one with your NMother) was distorted. You were tricked into thinking that ALL women would do that to you, so, when you meet women, the internal tape replays the 'likely outcome' and you feel uneasy. It's not unusual to feel like that, but it can be changed. If you replace the internal messages with other affirmations, etc, the 'usual' tapes will recede, and your relationship with people such as Maria will get better, because you will trust yourself more.

I agree with Shunned - you are one of the most sane people on this forum. There is nothing 'wrong' with you except you are not used to believing in yourself, and your own power. Perhaps it's time to change that?


Janet

[Ami]

Dear BR and Poppy,
 What I was saying is that the distortions are IN me--not in the outside world.. However,just writing it makes me feel more hopeful.
  It may take some time but all I really  need to do is face the "truth". That is my simple answer. The "doing" of it is where it is not so easy b/c every false belief carries with it ALL the pain which was the reason that we went in to denial in the first place. That must be the hard part--- facing the original pain.
  That must be why it takes time, There is only so much we can face at one time. What do you think?
                              Love    Ami

[Ami]

Thank you Janet,
  Maybe you are right. My cop b/f used to say that to me all the time. Thank you Janet. That was a huge boost in the arm. I really needed that Janet.                     Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((Janet))))))))))))))))))  ( Hugs of thanks)

[changing]

Ami Dear-

Surely you don't think that you or your gut are distorted. No way- you are a sensible and kind person with a wise gut. But the pig parent voice- as you say BLEEH!!!! that has to go , and it's not you!!!
Now go have some Halloween fun Ami!!

Love From Your Friend,

Changing

[Ami]

This is going to sound convoluted,but after reading Dr Grossmans's article on voicelessness(posted by Bill),I had a HUGE revelation about Maria. I was upset b/c I could tell that SHE was perturbed that the money tree had stopped. Also, she is perturbed that I don't have the financial situation she does. My Aunt made it so clear to me. My Aunt said that it would be normal for her to be jealous of you. Life can be so simple if you are "normal" and SOOOOO complicated if you are not-----bleh. My Aunt nailed it. I was depressed b/c I could not make her feelings go away --JUST LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO FOR MY MOTHER . I failed there ,too. THAT is why I hated myself.Also, I FAILED b/c someone was mad at me .
  HOWEVER,I saw it and that is very,very big.
. I am taking her painful feelings on as MY FAULT and getting depressed-----.  BOY, I saw a big one. I guess that it is important to get out and have relationships or HOW would you grow-----Right? IF I had not had a relationship in the first place,I would never have seen this pattern.However,It was my aunt who had the simple good sense to see the obvious------bleh                        Ami

[Ami]

Thank you Changing
Love to You      Ami

[changing]

Ami-

You are a kind and generous person. Sometimes people do not have the proper balance to deal with such kindness, and they let their lower natures take control. This is not your fault, and a good lesson for them as well- to appreciate generosity and not to take advantage, and to listen to the voice of their higher nature.

Stay strong Ami- I think you are a force for good in this world.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  Thank you for those uplifting words. I take them in to my heart. I see that the Larger issue is that I can only control MY side of the street(in anything). THAT is a huge lesson----isn't it?
  I learned to "take care" of my M's feelings all the time so she would never feel badly about herself. It was my fault if she did. So, I just keep replaying the "need to make it O.K. for other people so they won't get angry".
  I keep replaying the old tape. What a lesson. THAT is why I was depressed about Maria. I was" letting" her be angry and NOT fixing it.
WOW-------- What a lesson.I am getting dizzy. It is sooooooo big.              Love   Ami

[betr4]

Poppy,
Yes it has taken time and practice and being around others who are affirming and loving. It has been a process of letting go. I had to choose to be around people in recovery and looking for the truth.
I had to learn to think and l feel all over again, in healthier, more positive ways.  Moving past guilt and shame and accepting reality and sharing with others on the same path creates a unity that replaces the neediness I experienced from unmet needs. And through it all my faith grew.  I am becoming my own person, not a reflection or distortion of anyone.  And sometimes that means I am not all perfect or even all bad.  I am me at any given time. Thanks , BR

[Ami]

I saw another HUGE thing, today. I had heard about it before ,of course, b/c we all have talked about it. However, the truth went the "long" 18 inches from my head to my heart.
  I was talking to my Aunt. My Aunt was saying s/thing wise and it just hit me about what "exactly" an N is. It hit me that we all have the 'traits" of an N inside us. For example, if s/one had a better trained dog than mine,I would feel 'less than" inside. However, an N would try to destroy that person who had  the better dog. The N will destroy s/one who "shows them up.' What I never realized is that I am not "bad" for having N FEELINGS such as pettiness,jealousy, etc. It is human. My Aunt can admit to human feelings. She does not "beat herself up" for human feelings, whatever they are. My M would decimate me for any human feeling from joy to fear and everything in between.
  I see that the "feelings" are not bad-----Right?
  What the N's do  is just act and react ON the feelings. So, in the dog incident, the N would decimate the person with the better dog. However,it is "human" to  feel jealous----Right?
 I am facing the "core" of how she tried to destroy me. She did it by making ME feel like I was a monster for EVERY feeling. I did feel like a monster except when I was  "perfect"(which was never)
  It sounds so crazy b/c it WAS.
  Lord,I believed all of it. No wonder I was a few inches from the "edge".
  That was how she "got " me.She made me feel guilty for all my feelings. My actions were never "bad". She attacked any feeling that I had. I felt like I was a horrible person for what I think are just normal feelings( according to my Aunt)
 What a freakin mess it is.                                              Ami

[Hopalong]

Ami,
A bunch of thoughts...or some thoughts mixed in with compost:

The distortions aren't in you like a kidney is in you. Or a stomach.
They're in you like a thought is in you.

I believe you can remove them by monitoring your self-talk.
Observing your own language about your experience.

What is the narrative, the main narrative?

When it begins to change, how does your language change?
Does your language in describing yourself feel distorted to you?
What phrases?

I think this might help, or maybe it's too cerebral.

Big compost bin, plenty of room...

hugs
Hops