Living Today

[betr4]

I had somewhat of a flashback or memories that came floating to the surface this morning.  I saw myself as a child waiting for my dad to get home from work.  I was always looking forward to his coming in frmo work in the afternoons.
On certain days, my mother, who left the discipline up to my dad, would have me wait in the bathroom for a whipping when daddy got home.
It all depended on what she decided that day was worth a whipping.  I would wait and wait and he would come in from work.  Then come to the bathroom and take of his belt and whip me on my bare legs.  Not in anger or rage, just doing what my mother told him to do.  Then he would go about his business and I was left devestated and crying and examining the welts on my legs.  I could barely get my breath sometimes.  
It all came back to me this morning and I realized there was never any discussion or understanding of what had taken place.  Just get whipped for something I did not know I had done.  No lessons learned or to think about.  Then life would resume.
I was a very sensitive child and took it all to heart. I was rushed and needed to feel loved.  Never happened.
My mother is a n and now has shut me out totally from their lives.  I can look back and see that she was the center of our world and had everyone revolving around her.  No emotional or affectionate displays.  no loving or tenderness.  void.  i married a man with the same behaviors.  
He has doled out punishment, withheld affection, and refused to comminicate with me for an entire lifetime abandoning his home and marriage.  
I recreated without know it, the behaviors and roles of my past.  As much as I suffered, I could not make it all stop.  The only way I am finding release fromt he pain is to identify it and stop denying or avoiding what the truth is
I am better today, but I still go through stages of intense emotional turmoil and saddness.  I hope to keep working on letting go of the painful past, especially by recreating it in today's relationships.  I don't have to wait on the nh to mete out his punishments on me for what he has in his head.  I can move out of his way.
Thanks, BR

[betr4]

I was a very sensitive child and took it all to heart. I was rushed and needed to feel loved.

Crushed

[betr4]

Thanks Shunned,
Yes I have done some inner child work.  Healing of the memories, and lots of writing and exercises.  I stayed in a marriage that perpetuated the feelings and behaviors for so long that I could never get past them.
I am finding strength from these post and the sharing and being heard here.  My life is filled with wonderful people.  I have much to be grateful for and at the same time I am very lonely.
I know it is attached to my childhood experiences and the lack of emotional contact and support.  My emotional maturity seems to be the problem. 
I enjoy your words of experience and encouragement here.
BR

[Ami]

Dear BR,
  I had flashbacks a month ago. It is a sign of healing,I think.. When your mind CAN accept the truths that it pushed aside, they will surface.   I "married "my M .It is  the same emotional climate that I grew up in.
  I guess that we just do this.
BR, what helps me now is to know that when I get upsetting feelings like depression etc,they are just signals of unhealed "material" .
  When it gets faced and grieved , then it will heal.I do the inner child exercises and I shed the pain. It hurts badly,but keeping it in is worse.
  You are right about the board. The combined intelligence and insight is mind blowing. Thanks for all that you contribute BR                          Love   Ami
 
(((((((((((((((((((((BR))))))))))))))))))))0000

[isittoolate]

Hi betr4
You couldn't 'fix' your father. You did know something was wrong but not what. That is the basis for living in shame.

Then you marry a man who needs fixing so you can replace Dad.

it doesn't work...
...and this continues until you figure it out & stop the circle.

I too had the beatings as a child and I chose 2 men (not at the same time) who required fixing...and I found that this took my mind off my father's failings, In the long run we could call it co-dependency. YOU need HIM to fix.

I was a very sensitive child and took it all to heart. I was crushed and needed to feel loved.

In the coming years we are going to see more and more 'neglected children', some will 'make it' still wondering, and some 'won't make it' and will end up on this Board.

xx
Izzy

[Leah]

Profoundly true Izzy

Love,

Leah