Tay..... I think your mother, father and brother
all want you to contact her.
I think it's a mistake
FOR YOU.And certainly for M.
M may be angry but.... his longterm wellbeing is at stake and already compromised bc of the time he's spent with her, IMO.
It's your job to protect, teach and train up your child
as best you can.
That usually inlcludes extended family member's support and guidance.
In your case......
it doesn't. Sad, but there it is.
Your parents are sick and do damage without having to think about it.
She damages.... he follows it up with assurances that she's NOT doing damage...... it's
you....
just keep subjecting yourself to her and all will be well.Writing that made my stomach burn
It will be more peaceful for your father if you do as your mother directs you to, anyway.
Your father's grown. M's not. They're toxic. You can see some of the results every time you look at your child. She instilled fear and doubt in M's head.
Her job, as Grandma, was to seek out support and treatment, take him to therapists and try to help him with socialization.
What did she do?
WHAT DID SHE DO, tay?She did what
she wanted to do, what was in
HER best interest, what
felt good for her. INSTEAD of what would have benefitted M. And she crowed about the sacrafices she made and the trouble you both were, even as she sat on her big keester and did very little..... while she tore him down and made him doubt... kept him from other children and filled his mind with fear for the world.
Is that a loving Grandmother's job in the life of a beloved autistic Grandchild's young life?
She kept M in the house with her while she sat around and told him what a messmaker he was. She didn't broaden his horizons, research treatments and seek out therapies and positive experiences for him with other children so he could develop social skills he otherwise will have trouble with.
She tried to talk you out of that lovely camp, over and over and over and over again.... going so far as to fill M's head with fear and imagined boogey men/child molesters behind every bush.
She kept you close, at hand, access to all your paperwork and took out credit in your name then went about spending like it was free money.... then looked at you like you were crazy when you called her on it.
Then she denied it after admitting it and let your credit swing.... let you swing. Your brother and father let you swing. They all let her do it.
It's what she does.
It's what they do.
That's crazy and if she has cancer again, I am
truly sorry. I would not wish that on anyone and maybe you want her to know you would never wish it on her either...... because she's told you so many times that you must be happy when she's sick or dying. WHat a crock of ever loving bullshit, Tay.
Had she been a decent mother and grandmother, not good or great or decent but just
good enough......
You'd be making that call. You'd be by her side. You'd be giving her support.
She
wasn't good enough.... hell.... she was an emotional terrorist doing damage
everywhere.I know it looks crazy to read that. It feels quite crazy to write
But it's true. And so very hard to believe, even when we
know bc we saw it, heard it with our own eyes and ears.
Improbable that a mother would
do those things to her own child, grandchild..... husband and
self. She's sick, can't do any better, tay. She can't ::shrug:: or she would.
The fact that it's likely she's making up the cancer's return, to get a response out of you, is not only
deeply disturbing.... it's pathologically evil and a clue as to what you should and shouldn't do regarding that phone call to her. IMO, of course.
You and M don't have to invite her hateful blaming shaming impossibly unbalanced reality back in.
Your reality is improving. So is M's, as a natural by product.
I wouldn't invite that back in
if I had a choice in the matter.M has improved while away from her..... you
see that. It doesn't matter that he's angry. Kids get angry when they can't skip school.... have alcohol or watch porn on the internet. But that doesn't keep us from making
the correct decisions for their welfare, does it?
Cancer or no cancer...... she's manipulative and doens't care how her behavior affects you and M. She cares only for herself and that care involves tearing you and M down...... making you feel guilty and responsible for things
she's doing herself. Now that's the epitomy of KER-A-ZY, IMO.
She can't be reasoned with. It's like dealing with a zombie.... trying to chat him up and talk him out of wanting to eat your brain. Nothing will keep him from wanting to eat your brain and nothing will keep your mother from her agenda, which you're already
too familiar with. Holding M back from learning skills HE MUST HAVE in order to have the best life he can. What does that gain her?!??!?? And why would you allow it????? Now? She's had more than a fair shot at being involved in your lives.
She still hasn't fessed up to the credit card thing or taken responsibility for it. Do you doubt that? Would you invite that back into your lives?
Why? She's still trying to sabotage M's socialization and keep him bound up in her house as much as she can, not touching anything, feeling fearful and frustrated.... not sure why but
feeling it just the same. She's well on her way to mystifying his life too, making him doubt his perceptions and Good Lord, Tay..... he doesn't need anymore mystery than he already has with the autism.
He needs
help.
Not a crazy Grandmother undermining his very core bc she doesn't know how to
DO anything else.
Sad but how many people have to be sacraficed to that?
And why M?!?!?!? You know better, now. This should be a very easy decision for you, I'm sorry it's not.
She made her bed. Ya. it's a very very sad one but..... you can't save her from herself, tay. Is that part of the problem, the sadness of giving up? Giving up hope, giving up on her, giving up on something better for yourself that includes her?
Now she's
going to have to lie in that bed she's made.
Don't you see......? Even
if you kept trying to save her..... she'd just pull you down
with her. Intentions don't mean much at this point. The results the same, no matter.
No one would
be saved. Stop doubting and feeling guilt and wishing things were different.She's shown you who she is......
time to believe her.
Feel empathy (from afar) but don't sacrafice yourself or M for one more minute.
Your brother knows you're NC, he knows why you're NC and yet he keeps telling you things about your mother: /
It doesn't help.
What part do you see yourself playing in all this, if the cancer really is back? Truly?
Is it that you are truly a loving devoted child and you want to go to her? Not going would mean she's right about all the things she's accused you of?
::throwing red flag on the field::
Bullshit.
You'll always be a good person, daughter, mother...... employee, pet owner.
That's
who you are.
You'd be there for her if she wasn't so toxic that she throws you into a tail spin.
You
need you too.
M needs you.
Just bc you're avoiding your mother..... doesn't mean you aren't a good child. You're a very good daughter, tay... much more patient and giving than you should have been, IMO.
You don't pick up the phone
bc of her.... not bc you aren't a nice person. Lets get that one things straight, if nothing else from this way too long post, I'm about to end, btw.
And the end is this......
If things were different, you'd be there.
They aren't..... No hope they ever will be so make peace with it.
Now.... what's tay going to do
for her family? For M and tay?
Is she going to do better?
Invite light and health and uplifting things?
Or is she going to keep picking up the phone...... getting draw back into the darkness of fear and doubt...... pain and dysfunction?
It's powerful stuff,
not easy to shake off, as you've been experiencing.
You know better than anyone here, tay.......
I don't think you can have both, in other words.
Building a markedly better life for M and yourself.....
and contact with your mother.
One must be sacraficed.
One makes a big squaking ruckus that touches/disturbs many lives, and they reach out too......
One would die quietly, with barely a whisper as it passed out of existence.
It's what your mother's counting on.... that you take the path of least resistance and give her
her way.
Now......
know this.....
M
is
counting on
you.You already have the answers.
It's learning to live with it that's hard.
