A Painful Day---Life is so "Real"

[Poppy Seed]

Ami,

I think being real....is being whole.  Allowing all of our inside parts to move and function freely.  No prison of shame and guilt and obligation to a tyrant.  Not pain free......but free to see and experience the landscape and that means experiencing joy and happiness and adventure too!   Free to feel and express and be.  Free to love and be loved.  Free to taste and to explore and learn.  Learning in the N realm is a sick cycle of learning the same painful lessons over and over hoping that maybe the next attempt will bring what I hope for...... bending and breaking ourselves to get something we will never get from these people.  It is the rubix cube that will never solve.   

Much love to you Ami.  Others have expressed my feelings better than I could.  My heart is with you.   I am excited for you. You feel like you are so close to full freedom from the trap of your mother.  I wish you that place where your burdan is finally lifted and you are truly free to love being real.

Poppy

[JanetLG]

Ami,

I think this is one of the most important things you have ever written on this forum, Ami:

"Today, I play the paino and guitar. I don't have to punish myself anymore. It was all to keep HER "real" and ME "dead." Now, she is "dead' and I am 'real". Amber, I think that is a key for me. Who is the 'real" one?. It didn't work. All these years later, she is exactly the same as when I left her--bleh.
 I do not have to take away my joy anymore .so I could be the "bad" one(for my M)"


You've 'seen the light' completely, even though it is so painful to do. You've finally got there, and now it's clear what needs doing next. Looking after YOU.

SHE needs to look after herself. You can't do it for her.

I do think it is important, as Hops said, that you contact your dad in a way that cannot be intercepted by her, to make it very clear to him, that stopping all contact with HER doesn't mean that you want to stop all contact with HIM. She will, most likely, convey HER take on the situation in those terms to him, because then she can offload the 'real reason' for the NC as being his fault in  some way, or yours, but never hers. So, please get in touch with him as soon as possible.

It will get better than this, eventually, I promise.


Janet

[Leah]

JanetLF wrote:

All these years later, she is exactly the same as when I left her

Profound impacting truth

Leah

[Iphi]

What a great song, changing.  Laura Nyro - a singer for the indie cognescenti if I recall my indie lore, culled from some article somewhere!  I know nothing about her but her lyrics are wonderful.  I love deep thoughts on time and being.  

here is one I am reminded of too for Ami and all of us today:  

"Life is right in any case.  My heart is as open as the sky."

 It is the last line in the movie Kama Sutra, which is a wonderful movie about friendship and love and disaster.

P.S. Janet - ROFLMAO about giving Ami's mom a bloody good slap.  Or a few.

[changing]

I LOVE the "Bloody good slap" concept!!! Janet, you made my day AGAIN!!!


Love,

Changing

[betr4]

I came to share and in reading what others shared, I have found comfort and relief from the saddnes I am feeling.
As I become real, moving through shame at the present time, my family is disappearing from my life. 
My mother has shut me out as I change and become my real self, not under her control.    She has no control of me anymore so I don't exist in the family anymore.  Same thing with my nh.  When I can't be controlled for supply, I am invisible and banished.
My daughter lives close by and I am watching as she is substituted for me in their control/supply.  She is a willing victim to their abuse.  For years I did not realize what was wrong.  Now I do and I am gradually becoming strong enough in my self to detach myself from them.  My daughter is not aware yet, and I can't tell her because when I do, she gets very angry at me and shuts me out.  She has to go through her own process and I can't do it for her.  So watching her go through what I already went through and survived is very painful.  I really can't get involved with any of it in any way, even knowing what they say to each other.  I am learning to stay out of it all.
That leaves me with me and my days and life to live without family contact.  I needed my family. My (ideal) mother was hard for me to let go of.  Now I find other ways to find the love I need.  Still very difficult at times. I work at it.  Right now I am mostly missing my (ideal) h.  But not the n part of him and his n behaviors and the abuse.  Just compansionship and relationship seems to be what I want most.
I have to remember what is real.  Not what I want to be real. I am real and sharing here with others helps me stay real and gradually, one step at a time, one day at a time get to be my better self.  Living, not just surviving.
Thanks, BR

[Ami]

Thank you Amber, Iphi, Changing and Betsy(my favorite name )
 I appreciate  your posts so much---Thank you so much.
I have to tell you where I am ,today. .
 I have a  slight  "detachment" from the "voice".. This is very big. Maria came over.I feel that I am stronger and more authentic.I  feel more able to be "me". I feel more able to admit flaws.I feel more able to say,"I don't understand that" or" I don't know how to do that'. I said that I will never be a good housekeeper and I probably won't --so what? I get by-lol.
 I saw Tori Spelling on an interview. She never knew how to use a washer or dryer. She was not ashamed of it.
  Today,I feel such a heavy depression over me. I will do the inner child exercises and see what it is.
  I feel more 'part" of the human race. Yes,I had a horrible mother,but her damage is not permanent. I just have to keep digging until I get to "gold"--- my core.
                                                                    Ami
 
 

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
  You said s/thing profound. You miss the "ideal" H and M. I miss the ideal M very much. I lived in fantasy b/c I thought that I needed her in order to live.I think that what I need is me-- that connection to myself
                       Love   Ami

[Ami]

My Yorkie ,Mimi, came to me as a gift from God. She teaches me so many lessons. She is like a baby. She wants to be on your lap or next to you. She has 'needs' like a baby would have. My Poodle is totally different.
  I see that it was not my fault that I needed love and was 'dependent" on my M. It was built in to me like it is built in to Mimi. Mimi is not bad that she is too "dependent' or needs too much love.
  I think that I can forgive myself for keep going to my M and needing and wanting love. It was built in. She made it like I was "bad" when it was instinctual to need love and connection. I kept going back for love until now when I am NC. I have been so angry at myself and thinking that I was so stupid. It was a human need ,just like Mimi needs connection.It must be built in to the  breed.Yorkies, like it is built in to humans                      Ami

[Overcomer]

We all want to feel love but more importantly we want to feel accepted and valued.  Problem is to be valued we had to reflect back on to our mothers the way they wanted us to be.  I never fit that mold from the time I was a young tyke.  I had too much energy and vim and vigor for her-I was too much work!  A bother.  SHE Had things she wanted to do with HER life and only a perfect reflection of her would be enough.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I can see that with Mimi. She has so much energy that I want to "strangle" her sometimes. Also, I can see 'N"thinking in me.When she would have an accident,I would think,"How can you do this to me?"I would realize that it was crazy thinking. HOWEVER, the N doesn't. THAT is the difference,I think.
  I have been really trying to put the N in a category in my mind, as a means to "let it go". I see that we all have the N within us. It is the ,"Look at me. Arn't I great(important, wonderful etc)?". However, as we matured, we developed other parts of ourselves. So, we have parts that can be considerate of others even if we don't "want' to be. When you have children, you have to put your needs aside all the time. The N has no emotional program for doing this. It is like me with Mimi. The N thinks,"Why are you(the kid) doing this to me(making me look bad or feel bad)?"
   I see that it IS arrested emotional development. We all have this inside us,I think,but we have other sides as well. There is a book Small Sacrifices by Ann Rule. It was about an MD  who killed her children.They did an evaluation on her and she had the emotional maturity of a 5 yr. old.
  She was an ER doctor. My M always had so many excuses why she had a "bad" life. However, with this doctor, she had a "Good " life and her emotional immaturity ruined it. None of her achievements" "matured" her.
  I am at the last stage of denial. I see that my M is a NPD. I did not want to face it.I thought--maybe--it was not  "that bad",but it is. I am NC.now. I told my F that I would not call. He had to call me.
  I came to the bottom of the lie(with her). Now,I have to address ALL the lies inside me-----bleh----      Love   Ami

[Ami]

I wanted to write something before I went out. I made some progress. This is the first time that I can remember "really" getting s/thing in the heart. I really saw how I was codependent.I really saw how I gave my power away for the hope of s/one else defining me. This is really huge. I really saw how my M is an NPD. I saw how I am alone. I saw how I better take care of me or I am screwed.(This one is still a work in progress)
  However,I am different today. It is small,but 'big". Any true heart change IS big, b/c true heart changes are rare and hard(IME). Head changes are easy. This is the first step I ever made to changing codependence(heart step).
  What is really scary is seeing HOW bad I was. I was so "lost"in my thinking. I hated myself SO badly. I was really "out there'in my thinking. I was very "abnormal". It is a 'shock" to me as I get a little better. I guess that I couldn't help it. Who would get this bad if they could?Probably my M cannot help being an NPD, although she can control individual actions.This makes sense to me. What do you think? They can't help their 'overall" thinking but they can control individual actions.
  I guess what I am saying is it is scary to see HOW bad I was b/c I got a little more "normal". My goal is to get like my Aunt. My Aunt loves and respects herself. She does not have to be the "best" at anything. She thinks that she is "good enough". She can laugh at herself and she can see life as it is, She can see herself AND life as it is. This is my goal.                 Love   Ami