Knowing that I don't matter

[Poppy Seed]

Ok.  I am working a lot of building my self esteem.  I am trying to detach for others and trying to give myself what I need to feel better.  Today, I am not feeling so well.  But I really want to.....so I am posting this in an attempt to find clarity to a reoccurring belief.  It is not anything new.  Just the old recording being pushed because of little events..... I am a little menstrual and tired so....bare with me......

All morning, I have been hearing this voice in my head say" You don't matter.  See, look at all the people in your life that couldn't care less about your presence, influence, feelings, input, participation, etc.  See what all you effort gets you?  Nothing.  Nobody wants to hear your voice. If you share your voice, you will make others uncomfortable, offended, or even angry.  You are the disruptor.  You are the problem.  So, you can think you are good all day long, but the prooff is in the puddling.  Just look at how other respond to you, vs. how they respond to her or him or them or H or his fam or ........."

Ok.  So, that is the tape in my head.  I am feeling very sad.  But I don't want to.  It is all I can do NOT to believe it.  There isn't much evidence on the other side to counter it.  So, I am back fighting Goliath.  I am standing small with my little sling and the Giant is running dead at me with sword in hand. 

I try to look at the "evidence" which is usually comprised of my new efforts to find friends or participate in projects or activities in effective and productive and appreciated ways.  It is difficult to express what seems to go wrong.  I either do it wrong, or my voice is so small that I am not even noticed.  Or I am noticed, but I bother everyone.  It is difficult not to get a complex.  I have talked about it with my T.  She can't figure it out.  These are the moments when I wish I had a friend to tell me what I am doing wrong.  Someone I trust, who can see my bests and worsts and like me anyway...  You know what kind of friend I mean.  Someone who could tell me what I need to work on without shame and blame.  But with encouragement.  Well, for now that person is me.  Only I am not sure I have enough perspective to see the whole picture.  And so I battle with what I have.....

I guess that I am feeling sad. I tried to invite my parents to the house for dinner and to see the kids.  They were too busy.  They are always too busy.  They can't ever come and when they do come, they leave quickly.  I tried to offer so much to my brother and his wife.  They are house hunting and they wanted to use my house as resting place.  I offered dinner and babysitting and the second I offerred, they packed up and said they would eat out.  Had I not said anything, they would have asked if they could stay longer.  (I have been experimenting with this one.)  I feel like I am a generous person with so much to give, and no one who will receive it.   Don't know what I am doing wrong.  But I would like to know. 

I am also feeling off today because I gave my H that copy of "Little Voices" that Bill posted on Lupita's Running Away thread.  He stopped dead in his tracks.  Read it over and over.  Paragraph 4 was exactly him.  We talked it out last night.  He just withdrew.  He went inside himself.  He left early this morning to play basketball and wouldn't speak to me.  This is what he does.  He can't deal and he goes away.  He is N self and his victim self are fighting.  One says that his family is perfect and there is no possible way that they could have harmed him in this way.  His other side is say "oh my gosh!  That is me.  I have no wants.  I sacrificed my whole self for them.....and they couldn't care less about me now when things are so hard".

I understand what a dilemma he is experiencing.  But I am tired of doing his work for him.  I watch myself do it.  I solve and figure and think it all through for him.  I research and read.  And then I sit back and wait.   I do it because I know he won't or at least won't at any kind of satisfying pace .  I do it because it is my only hope for making this marriage safer and happier for me.  I am controlling.  I admit it.  My name is Poppyseed and I try  to control the world!  And I am impatient and selfish.  I know that too.

 So, what if I let go?  I am afraid to let go.  I am afraid that I would literally fly away.  And I feel such shame for doing that.  That is what bad girls or bad wives or bad Christians do.  I argue with that voice too.  I want to fly.  After reading CB's post today, I almost packed my bags.  But where would I go and what would I do?  I would be so alone with no means to support myself and no direction.   Fear sets in.  And my religious obligation sets in and I feel ......... depressed.  I am waiting.  Always waiting.  I am my own worst enemy here.  I know that and it just makes me feel worse.

I want to feel powerful and proactive.  The consequences scare me.

[betr4]

Poppyseed,
I came to share about how I was feeling this morning.  I read your post first.  You said everything I was needing to say. 
I have a full life and yet I feel sad.  I am alone, separated from my family and feel lonely and isolated no matter what I do. 
I had an email from a friend this morning rotating in chaos and crises in her family, she's in denial, and I can see that I used to live like that too.
Now I have boundaries from the n's in my life.  Now it is mostly me and I continue to feel sad and alone. 
I can relate to not kowing what it is I am doing that is not working for me.  I experience lots of wonderful people, places and things in my life but ultimately feel alone and sad each day.  I don't want to be alone.  I don't know if what I am experiencing is in my heart or my head.  I feel like I miss someone and am homesick and lonesome.
At the same time I function well, have much to be grateful for.  I feel like I too might be struggling wiht mixed emotions, or 2 selves or something.  Part of me is okay and the other part is sad.  Nothing takes away the saddness.  Distraction works while I am involved with other things and people. 
Thank you for sharing and putting into words what I needed to hear.
I know I am struggling with shame based issues that I never realized.  I think they are right under th surface and I can't identify them yet.  I had fear and I have worked through that.  The shame is coming up now.
Thanks, BR

[tayana]

Pops and BR,

I don't think the sadness goes away.  I often feel sad or regretful because I know things will never change.  However, I have to keep looking ahead and concentrating on making my life better, in spite of the sadness.  I deal with incredible guilt and shame because other people don't understand what it's like to have a family like mine.  They don't understand that we can't just sit down, get all the unpleasant stuff out and be done with it.  I wish we could.  I can do that with M, but not with my parents.

All morning, I have been hearing this voice in my head say" You don't matter.  See, look at all the people in your life that couldn't care less about your presence, influence, feelings, input, participation, etc.  See what all you effort gets you?  Nothing.  Nobody wants to hear your voice. If you share your voice, you will make others uncomfortable, offended, or even angry.  You are the disruptor.  You are the problem.  So, you can think you are good all day long, but the prooff is in the puddling.  Just look at how other respond to you, vs. how they respond to her or him or them or H or his fam or ........."

Pops, I took this paragraph out so I could comment.  I have learned that we have to believe we matter to ourselves before others will listen.  You hear this voice in your head, then sit down, write down all of this negative talk and then turn it around.  Write the negative in one column and the positive in another.  My T makes me do this.  Instead of "You don't matter"  you say, "I matter to me.  My voice is important to me.  I am not a problem, and I am learning to share my voice, even though it sometimes makes others uncomfortable.  I have a right to be heard just like everyone else."  It takes time, but eventually you can rewrite the tapes.

You might try taking an assertiveness class or something similar.  Anything that would help you feel more confident.  This was something that was recommended to me, and I did take a course provided by my employer.  I learned a lot.  I learned a lot about communication.  Even taking a communication course at a local community college might be good for you.

I am controlling too, Pops.  I'm horribly perfectionistic.  I like things done my way.  I like to do everything myself.  I like having time to myself, and I selfishly carve it out, even though I feel guilty for doing it.  I don't like when my plans are upset, like today when M has the stomach flu and my plans were upset.  We all have good and bad traits, and because of what we survived, we are more aware of those traits.  The trick is learning that in spite of our faults we are still worthwhile.  I like hearing your voice here on the board, Pops.  I think you are worthwhile. 

[betr4]

Poppyseed and Tayana,
You both matter to me.  Very much.  Posting and reading here has given me breath.  Literally like being able to finally breathe deeply and catch my breath.
I read a devotional that said something like clearing out the past and changing my attitude, I become a magnet for others who want to be around positive loving people.
I find this to be true.  However, in my life I have learned that the n's in my life also want to drain me and then discard me when I have nothing left.
The difference is that the n's take and give nothing in return. (although at first the n's in my life really look like they are the one's giving, ha!)
I am learning healthy other to give and take with.  Like  on this board.  Without my efforts others share here at will and it is exactly what I need for support and it energizes me.
I am working through shame for whatever that means right now and I plan to go to an ACOA meeting tonight.  
I am getting stronger in my choices for myself.  Learning not to be such a caretaker.  Healthy relationships are still foreign to me, but I have a faith in a loving Higher power that always makes something good out of things.  My problem is that I want it all at once.  I want to FEEL better all the time.  I got tired of the pain and suffering, the hurt and abandonment.  I am learning to get it all out.  Sometimes I go in circles, like my thoughts.  Thanks for listening.
BR

[Poppy Seed]

I am sorry........I 've just got to get these feelings out.  They are just a'coming. All this emotion!  What do I do with all of it?  I don't know.  I am just so profoundly sad.  And sharing this morning....putting actual words to my thoughts.....makes it all more real.  I have believed this about myself for as long as I can remember.  I feel like I have moved through life trying to prove that it is not true.  ALl that childhood pain.....all that neglect.  And on days like today, looking at the circumstances of my life, it is true.  My parents love me.  And my sibs love me.  But the are incredibly unavailable.  They are detached (in the non-healthy sense of the word).  My father hasn't spoken to me in weeks.  My mother only cares about how I make her feel.....constantly taking care of her self worth or NOT taking care and then having her punish me.  No one calls.   They know I am sick.  They know I had cryptosporidium which is absolutely 4 weeks of awful.  They know I have mono. I called them from the hospital.  They wouldn't come and help.  They were too busy.  Not even a visit.  My H's family is the exact opposite.  They have all these parties and talk to each other every other day.  They hug and kiss at every greeting.  They have friends and family always around in jovial conversation.  But they are golden children and N's and don't care about us and are punishing us for needing to break from the enmeshment.  And I am the scapegoat -- the one who ruined their son and who is brainwashing him.  It is so confusing  and crazymaking and hurtful.  No one in my neighborhood talks to me.  No one calls or knocks on the door.  No one invites my kids to play dates. Yesterday, my neighbor brought her kids over to jump on the trampoline in the backyard.  Didn't ask.  Didn't knock.  Just walked into the yard and let her kids play.  I couldn't believe my eyes!   My one friend lives in Tx and could care less about me.  She calls to talk about her problems and if I interject with my happenings, she plays the one-upping game.  Her probs are worse or her successes are better.  It is  not even worth it to have a conversation.  I sit quiet most of time and say, "uh-huh."  And when I don't answer the phone, she calls my mother and brothers and tells them to tell me to call her.  It is so exhausting.  I feel like I am surrounded by the self absorbed.  And so when I say that I don't feel like I matter to anyone, I think I am right.  I think that I need to perhaps quit fighting that and stop trying to convince myself that it is a lie.  Because, I actually don't think it is a lie.  I just think that I take on all the responsibility for it and that is what tanks my spirit and activates the shame.  I feel trapped.  I feel alone.  I feel like I don't know what to do or know where to go to escape it.    This is too hard for me.  Today.  It is just too hard today.  Too lonely. Too painful.  Too taxing.  Too heavy.  Too much of nothing!

[Poppy Seed]

I am sorry. I haven't even responded to any of your comments that you were so kind to post.  Just give me a minute.....to compose myself.  Then I will come back and listen to you properly.

Pops.

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
 You may not see it,but I see you getting clearer about yourself. I see you slowly finding your voice--little by little. Even amidst the pain and hopeless feelings ,the "real" you is emerging. You have been buried for a long time under many many lies and distortions.
 Slowly, you will dig yourself out. HOWEVER, when you do it slowly(like weight loss) it stays off.You will be like the butterfly in the cocoon.
  You had a BIG win when you saw fear in your MIL eyes. That one instance shows that you are different and you are changing. She knows it(maybe subconsciously),but she could pick up your new strength.
  Poppy, I am getting a "little " distance from those voices-- a little. However, even a little is a lot. I am getting a little 'gap" where I ask,"ARE those voices true?"  rather than just buckle under and listen to them.
 They are lies---all of them. I believe that you are doing everything that it takes to get free. As Amber says the voices are just part of the '"Role". We took on the "role" in order to survive. It is NOT "us".it feels like "us". It is a combination of falsehoods that we believed .
 It is a combination of various lies and untruths that we were forced to "wear" to get through our childhoods..It is an old ,ugly worn out, garment. We will get it off a little  at a time. You are beautiful underneath-- believe me ----until you see it yourself .                  Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((Poppy))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Oh Poppy, I am so sorry.

For me, it took the community of women in a support group to change those feelings. I love men too but they often had a confidence and feeling of entitlement that I feel women's socialization can knock out of us if we're vulnerable.

It transformed my life, to meet other women who were struggling with similar isolation, similar feelings of worthlessness. It was empowering not just in a "women-power" sense, but in a deeply human understanding kind of way.

It's SO much less lonely when you learn to reach across the silences and connect with others.

As you've done so often and so eloquently here.

Big squooshy spongey-shouldered absorbent loving hug to you, Pops...
Hops

(and Amber, you've 'got her back' so beautifully. What a friend.)

[Iphi]

First of all I think your lovely and you do matter and I always look forward to reading your posts.  Secondly my T always told me 'never make any big life decisions during period time.'  I always think of myself as going to the 'dark side of the moon' emotionally.  It's like the hormones just kick me into the underside of every issue - the rock turns over and we see the creepy crawlies.  Compost if it doesn't work for you, but it happens all the time with me - and I don't mean that it should be brushed off as 'hormones' but that it kind of forces me to deal with some hard things I might avoid if my nose wasn't thrust into it ummm cyclically.

It sounds like you are surrounded by the self-absorbed all right.  And the only antidote I know of yet is -- to have your own plan.  If you don't have your own plan then they will pick you up and put you down according to their agendas.  I know.  I have lived that!  I am still struggling with all sorts of aspects of it. 

I don't think you will run away, but it seems you won't let yourself have your own plan at all - as if the only action plan you might make is to run away.  As if you would be a bad person for having your own plan.  I think maybe the action plan you need is to prioritize yourself and your own activities.  If you have your own endeavors you are not 100% waiting on everyone else to notice you.  Which as I well know, completely sucks.

I am not seeing that sense of agency in yourself.  It's what I am trying to build in myself right now so I'm very focused there.  I don't want to wait, wait on, wait for, await or so on - any of that except for obviously the people who have a right to it, such as my baby and also through mutual agreement with my H, and to the extent necessary to get paid at my job.   

This is not meant to be a true solution, but what about picking up a job just to feel yourself in motion as an independent being doing something of your own?  Just to have that feeling and let it help you clarify things? 

Poppy I think you are a very warm person and I'm so sorry you have had two such rough illnesses!  Be kind to yourself because everybody else is way too into themselves clearly.  You have a right to be kind to yourself!

[Poppy Seed]

Oh Everyone.  Oh everyone!  Thank you for enduring more of my sobbiness.   It is just one of those days when issues and hormones collide!  I am afraid one of my pipes broke and tears were a flowing today.  My H left this morning.....like so many other mornings before and I felt so abandoned and forgotton.  And I had spent last evening giving him pep talks and telling him every affirming thing I felt.  It was a button and it got pushed.  But, it is allowing me to look at it out in the broad daylight again.  And it feels good to look at my people and finally recognize that they are NOT my people.  That felt peaceful.  Like I am approaching closure....after mourning what I hoped would be there for so long.

Shunned,  You are first on my list today because your words were exactly what I needed to hear.  So I absolutely forbid any retracting!  You hear? ::  I am glad you were in that mood!  I needed to hear and feel and soak up that mood!  It was a gift and I am guarding it with glee!

Iphi,

I think you hit the nail on the head.  I know I need a plan.  I have been fantasizing about my plan (hopes, wishes, dreams, etc.) and truthfully I feel a little lost as to how to execute things.  Not sure which direction to head.  Maybe any direction would be good.  Thank you for helping me focus on what is important.  I think today I need to get my voices out of my way.  And not feel so bad about doing stuff for myself.  The "I can't" voice is another stumbling block.  But I am trying to replace it and reframe. 

Ami, 

I hope that sharing these feelings and evil shame thoughts will help me get them out of my head and help me to let go of them.  I don't know why the reoccur.  I don't even care.  I just want them gone.  So, I am so trying to grow past it all.

And to everyone else,

Thank you for a warm and understanding place to rest for a bit today...for listening again.....and for helping me know that many of you have been in my shoes in one way or another.  It has been a long ride and I am tired.  And a little out of resources and energy.  But that will come back.  I am starting a 6 week cleansing diet to try and see if I can help reset my physical self and hopefully get my health back on track.  I bought a gym membership and am going to start working out a bit.  And I am taking every supplement known to man to try and jumpstart my immune system. I feel good about this. I think I really need it.  Hopefully in a few months, I will see a difference and you all will hear a difference.  But for today, thank you for being my friends. 


To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship.
Thomas Moore
Irish poet (1779 - 1852)

Most grateful and ready to celebrate the happiness of CB and Towrite,

Poppy

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  I want to thank you for your posts. I hope that writing them helped to heal some of the pain. I could see so clearly (for you) how your view of yourself is so "false". I can see your intelligence,insight, sensitivity, desire to be a good M,W,relative and friend. I can "picture" people ,in my mind.
  I can see your good qualities. I can see that the voices(I don't matter etc) are llies ----pure lies.
  What happens to us when we are abused is that we have our core "bombed(nuclear?). We are like a wasteland. Our confidence, trust in ourselves, esteem in ourselves is knocked down to zero.
  Once we are barren, then we are programmed with,"Who do you think you are?". 'What are you so big about?" etc.
  Now, we are this "new" person with ALL this pain. We try to get away from the pain ,in any way that we can. We are desperate. We become codependents. I could see this with Maria. What an education.
  I see how I was trying to feed the "angry beast"(my denuded core) so that I could get an ounce of self esteem. The trouble is that I am then waiting for the 'outside " to feed me. I am dependent on the outside to feel good. Then,I am running like a hamster on the wheel.
   Our healing comes as we see, with our hearts, that we are living by lies.  You are coming out of the 'hole", Poppy, little by little.
                                    Love   Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Warning:  Dirty thoughts a'coming.....

These are the thoughts I am fighting right now.  This is NOT me.  I don't always think this way. I need you to know that. But..... This is the shame/self talk stuff that won't stop coming.  My T says I am holding on to these and that I have some fundamental need to believe them.  I don't know exactly what it is.  But I think that it must be attached to some basic need like love, acceptance, being part of something unconditionally.  I list them here, in an attempt to let them go.  So, maybe I can see out in the light how off they are.  They feel so real and true to me.  My brain knows that they are off, but my world says they are right on.  I suppose I am still stuck in that confusion.  So hard to admit.  But, I am more determined than anything else.  So here's my some of my dirty thoughts.........

You can't be smarter than a man.  It makes them feel bad when women are smarter than them.  And they won't love you, if you don't make them feel good.

You are not good enough for friends.

You are not worthy of your parents time.

You ruin everything you touch.

People take their love away if you don't discern their kind of happy and give it to them.

Everyone I am attracted to is out of my league.

You are odd.

You don't deserve to have your ideas or needs listened too.

Your ideas are good, but nobody wants to listen to them.

You are immature and unfocused and have to much energy and are too lazy and are too irresponsible.

You are wrong all the time.

Every situation is a no win situation.

No one else would marry you.

Being fat makes you unloveable.

Being overweight makes you shameful.

You blow it everytime.

You are stupid.  You are not smart enough...even if you studied all day long.

You have to figure it all out on your own.

Don't trust anyone.  Everyone has an agenda.  Everyone will manipulate you.

Be savy.  Be on your guard.  Watch your back.  Don't relax ...or someone will get you.

You are there to look pretty, be sexy, and to satisfy needs and pleasure.  But you are not good enough, not sexy enough, not pleasuring enough.

Try harder.

Be more.

Keep pretending.  Everyone needs you to keep pretending.  If you don't, nobody will love you.

No one really cares about anyone else.  They just care about looking good.  They will serve you and lather you with what looks like love and ditch you when you ask anything real of them.

Love is always for other people. Get used to it.

You will damage your children just like you were damaged.  We always pass it on.  It is unavoidable.

You are damaged goods.  You are to be used and thrown away.  Your only worth is how you make others feel.  Most of the time you don't do a good enough job at your duties.

You aren't beautiful enough or smart enough or talented enough.

Don't be too beautiful.  Don't be too smart.  Don't be too talented.  That is how you hurt people.

Being Codependent is evil.  Having emotional problems is sinful.  Depression is sinful.  If you have these, you are sinful.

You have to think and feel for everyone else.  You are the only one aware enough.

You have to explain.  You always have to have an excuse, a reason, an explanation for your actions. 

Love has requirements.  Inclusion has requirements.  Forgiveness has requirements.  All are withheld until you meet the requirements.


I know they are warped.  I know it!  But, they haunt me and taunt nonetheless.

Poppy

[Poppy Seed]

What I really want to feel like................


Worthy

Part of something, lifetime membership

Valued

Missed

Like it is ok to just be me

Smart

Activities of self expression

Financially independent & secure & savy

Capable

Not imperfect....not too perfect.....just right!

Knowledgeble

Self comforting, caring, responsible

Defined by self and God

Able to solve problems

Loving, good, kind, humble, fun, funny, sassy

Accepting of my weakness and faults and imperfections

Ok to have full spectrum emotion

Ok.....not needing to be fixed or taken care of

Strong

Motivated

Successful

Fulfilled

Filled

Abundant.....and grateful for it.

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  You are doing the right thing(IMO). You are doing what we have to do with an "abusive " man. We have to put the abuse out in the open. My H hit me when my yougest son was an infant. I went to the man next door and told him that I needed his help in leaving. I went to a hotel with my two children. The key in it was 'exposing" the deep,dark secret.
  Shame can only 'live" and thrive in the dark. It is like the bacteria that can only thrive without oxygen. If you expose them to oxygen, they die.
  Your ideas are lies. We(I would guess) have all had them,or similar ones. They seem horrible and huge when you keep them in your head. As you share them, they lose some of their power. Slowly, you will see that they are lies. Don't expect fast change(IMO) b/c you have believed them for a long time. As bad as they are, they are "old friends" too. They are " friends' in the sense of being familiar. We,who have been abused, are very afraid of change(even good change), so change is slow,BUT then it stays. That is what is important. I want to stay changed. I want the new changes to be stable changes. When they are slow they are more apt to last.
 You will not shock anyone ,here ,with your revelations,I don't think. We appreciate your honesty and it helps me to be more honest,too.
  It is so easy to pretend,in a way. It is so hard to be honest. However, truth is a fire that will burn out the garbage. I KNOW that all that you have written has NOTHING to do with the real you. The real you has beem assaulted with these lies that you took on for survival .It is the "Role" that Amber talks about.
  Keep doing exactly what you are doing and they will not be able to stay when the light of truth is shined on them.
                               Love  You ,  Ami

(((((((((((((Poppy)))))))))))

[reallyME]

I really want to talk about these thoughts you are battling from my viewpoint and I believe, God's and reality's:

You can't be smarter than a man.  It makes them feel bad when women are smarter than them.  And they won't love you, if you don't make them feel good.

Although my problem was always with women, not men, I think we could substitute "you can't be smarter than her/him" here.  For n's it bugs them if you look smarter than them, and it DOES set off an insecurity in them that they react to by then punishing you....kind of a "how DARE you outshine me!"   (so, it's not just a thought.  this one is truth)

You are not good enough for friends.

This is something that only God and you can determine.  I believe "to have a friend (a true kind), you must be a friend (true kind).  The friendships in our lives need to be cultivated, but also maintained.  Friendship, similar to marriage, blends two lives together in a sense, and that takes some effort on both parts.
You are not worthy of your parents time.

You ruin everything you touch.

I HIGHLY DOUBT this.  Some things might not work out for you, but realistically, I think you can list some things that did...if not, here is one...your ability to reason, brought you to become part of this board!  We are your family now and we are so glad you are here with us.

People take their love away if you don't discern their kind of happy and give it to them.

Oh boy...dont even let me get started on the "mind-reading" lie.  This is something that either N says to us or we somehow perceive it by the way they do not respond if we get it WRONG about something they wanted but didn't let us know about.  NO, you do not have to take on the responsibility of making someone happy or guessing ahead of time that they, for instance, want 2 cubes of sugar in their tea. Gimme a break

Everyone I am attracted to is out of my league.

I suggest you try to "play" the league and find out, rather than pre-supposing this and never risking it.

You are odd.

Aren't we ALL?  We're humans for goodness sake!  Even the Bible calls followers of God "peculiar people."

You don't deserve to have your ideas or needs listened too.

I understand why you feel this one for sure...because when you have tried to communicate those needs and ideas, you were most likely treated in one or all of the following ways:  IGNORED, MOCKED, BELITTLED, DEVALUED, BLAMED. right? been there.

Your ideas are good, but nobody wants to listen to them.

NOBODY?  How about us here?  We want to listen I'm pretty sure.  I know I do.

You are immature and unfocused and have to much energy and are too lazy and are too irresponsible.

I can't judge your maturity because I don't know you personally.  some adult-children are immature, due to never being allowed to individuate and grow up.  NOT YOUR FAULT if so.  You have too much energy?  Maybe it's just how you are or maybe you are ADHD or something like that.  Too lazy?  How can you be lazy if you have too much energy?  Ask the voice or the N that one for me, please.  Irresponsible?  Well, the first one to be responsible for is yourself in this case, and children if you have some.  In normal marriages you'd be responsible somewhat to your husband in a healthy way.

You are wrong all the time.

Nah.  Nobody is right all the time nor wrong all the time.

Every situation is a no win situation.

It sure CAN feel that way if you live with an N.  They are the one who tell you "go get me my tea" so you get it for em, and they say "What's THIS?  I said I wanted COFFEE YOU FOOL!"  so you get them coffee and they say "how can I deal with such INCOMPETENCE!  I didn't tell you I wanted anything to drink.  Just go away and leave me alone if you are gonna be trying to force beverages on me!  I told you I don't want to be bothered when I'm studying!"  THAT IS A NO WIN, TYPICAL N SITUATION TO A TEE!  NO WONDER YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DO!

No one else would marry you.

Oh, baloney.  There are many guys, if they knew you were being treated as you are, that would want to punch his lights out for ya and whisk you off.  I am not suggesting that you go look for them, but realize that, yes, they are out there, and they would marry you if you were available and compatible.

Being fat makes you unloveable.

ooooooooo easy one for me!  I'm fat, obese by dr standards, but I'm LOVEABLE and so are you, and I'll tell you why.  First, God loved you so much that He sent His Son to give his life for you so you could spend eternity with Him, after you make it off this lovely planet.  Second, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOU.  If you love you, you are loveable...God and you are a majority.  Thirdly, you haven't met every human on the planet, so you don't know that every one would not love you.  Lastly, fat people give the BEST HUGS in my opinion.

Being overweight makes you shameful.

Only if you WANT to feel ashamed of it.  Work on trimming down, yes, but meanwhile, love yourself and be thankful that you have a body that gets you around in life.

You blow it everytime.

Nah, nobody blows it every time...just sometimes and that is ok, normal and human.

You are stupid.  You are not smart enough...even if you studied all day long.

Not true.  You can learn as long as you want to learn.  You are smart enough to type into this screen, so that's pretty smart in my book!  There are people who can't even do that.  YOu are some measure of smart for sure!

You have to figure it all out on your own.

Wow! Burn down the libraries, smash the videos, throw out the computer if that's the case...there is AMPLE opportunity out there for you to get help with figuring out things.  Even this board of people will help you figure em out.

Don't trust anyone.  Everyone has an agenda.  Everyone will manipulate you.

Not so.  Some people will manipulate you.  Some will not.  Some people are really genuine and will care about you and want to help you.  I am one such person.  Have I EVER manipulated people?  Yes, in the past.  It is something that is learned as a defense mechanism, but it iS changeable.

Be savy.  Be on your guard.  Watch your back.  Don't relax ...or someone will get you.

It is GOOD to be cautious.  See the red flags, flee if you can, put up healthy boundaries. Not everyone will "get" you, but some will try.

You are there to look pretty, be sexy, and to satisfy needs and pleasure.  But you are not good enough, not sexy enough, not pleasuring enough.

First, according to my beliefs, you should not be "out there" in the first place.  Your only place to be having sex, is with your husband, nobody else.  If he doesn't find you pleasuring enough, well, then that is an issue that is between his ears that he needs to go see someone about.  YOu are not an OBJECT.  You are a person.

Try harder.

Most likely you are giving it your ALL.

Be more.

YOu are who you are and you can only BE that and grow in it.

Keep pretending.  Everyone needs you to keep pretending.  If you don't, nobody will love you.

No, actually, genuine people want a "real" person in their lives, not a fake one.

No one really cares about anyone else.  They just care about looking good.  They will serve you and lather you with what looks like love and ditch you when you ask anything real of them.

My suggestion when you hear these generalities of "noone, everyone, nobody" you might try changing those words to "some people"  "once in a while"  "at times" because generalizing to that extent is RARELY the truth about a situation.

Love is always for other people. Get used to it.

Well, we know that's not true, because you are here and are loved.

You will damage your children just like you were damaged.  We always pass it on.  It is unavoidable.

Nope.  YOu don't have to pass it on to them.  You can make a decision to find your own healing and get some parenting training and give them a healthier life than you had. It is DO able.

You are damaged goods.  You are to be used and thrown away.  Your only worth is how you make others feel.  Most of the time you don't do a good enough job at your duties.

Oh tell these thoughts to just SHUT UP ALREADY!  this is a bunch of BS.  YOu do the best you can and are always working on improving.  You are not to find worth in what you do, but in who you are.  It's good if others feel good around you, but sometimes, in themselves they do not feel good and you are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS to that extent anyway.

You aren't beautiful enough or smart enough or talented enough.

How about proving this one wrong by going out, joining a drama team, a support group, a quilting club, a sports team...go and FIND OUT where your talent and skills lie, instead of believing the lies.

Don't be too beautiful.  Don't be too smart.  Don't be too talented.  That is how you hurt people.

Again, this sounds like something stemming from insecurity in an N.  He/she can't handle you becoming "better" than they are, so they try to stamp you down in order that they always shine brighter in some way.

Being Codependent is evil.  Having emotional problems is sinful.  Depression is sinful.  If you have these, you are sinful.

I can speak to this one.  Being codependent is ROUGH, not evil.  It really makes life hard and scary for a person, because the root of it, is that fear of not being needed or not having someone to take care of or care for you.  Emotional problems are not sinful, they are things that result from abuse or neglect and can be dealt with.  Depression has many causes and we need to find out what our personal cause resulted from and treat it that way.

You have to think and feel for everyone else.  You are the only one aware enough.

Yeah, sometimes it DOES feel that way.  Crazy folks around you, cause you to ask "am I the ONLY competent one who sees that elephant in the living room?.  The truth is, when it comes to N's, often you ARE the only one in that situation that is aware enough to confront it and seek help if help will work.

You have to explain.  You always have to have an excuse, a reason, an explanation for your actions. 

I can conquer this one for sure!  The truth is, it drives the average person NUTS to listen to lengthy explanations from people for why they are doing things.  I'm dealing with a lady who has this same tendency of giving constant explanations about why she does or did something.  This comes from constantly being "nailed" by a parent or someone who is trying to catch you doing something they can criticize.  Realize that everyone is NOT the abuser and doesn't need to hear anything more than "I'm choosing to do ____________."

Love has requirements.  Inclusion has requirements.  Forgiveness has requirements.  All are withheld until you meet the requirements.

Life has requirements.  Stop existing, take care of YOURSELF and LIVE IT.  The only one requiring of you is you and the N as far as when it feels burdensome.  God's yoke is EASY and His burden is LIGHT!  If it doesn't feel that way, you are taking on burdens you don't need to.