Anesthetized.

[Iphi]

Dear Lupita - Happy Birthday!!

I think you and I have something the same happening.  When people are jerks to us, we think it is US.  When really if we could follow them around, we would see those people being jerks to everybody. 

Teenagers are notorious jerks.

I wish you a jerk-free birthday!

[Lupita]

The day of my birthday, Wednesday, the school board fired Dr. U. The assistant principal was appointed intern head os school. Probably until the end of the year. Next summer I will look for another job.
It seems that he had problems with other people too. Not only with me. They fired him beause he had problems with the bible teacher, big power in my school. The bible teacher is untouchable. The problems with me they just used to get rid of him. I was not important. I will never be important. Some teachers were crying. He had his funs. Like my mother with my sister and brother, they love her because she was good with them, they are totally unaware of what I have sufered. Same at school. I am the only pray everywhere.
This time I guess that Mr. V helped me because the scolded the lady of the library, and Dr. U came to my classroom less often. So, I should be more fair with God, giving dredit for the many good things that he does for me.
Not to suffer because I was not important enough.
But I know that they would have put up with Dr. U if he did not mess up with Bible teacher.
I know I have to be thankful for the good things that happen to me instead of suffer for the few bad things. But I am negative. I am. Difficult to change the tapes, like Ami says. It seems that Ami is making sense to me now.
Today Friday I did not go to work. I am exhausted.

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

Why do you see that you were not important?

May I ask the question: how did the counselling session go?

The counselling will help you 'change the tapes'

Love,

Leah

[lighter]

It's ok to sink into feeling negative.

It's ok to not feel guilt about it.

It's important to realize, however.... that you eventually have to pull yourself out of it and keep moving.

Hopefully, you're moving in a more positive direction, Lupita.

Maybe you'll feel better once the pressure of Dr. U has dissipated.

Once you feel better..... once the opression FEELS like it's been lifted, you experience relief and gratitude.

I'm not even sure how you KNOW Mr. V only fired him bc of the bible teacher.

How do you know you'er just an excuse for firing the Dr?

If the Bible teacher has so much power...... and the Dr. was messing about with that..... why wasn't he immediately dismissed upon first messing?

I think you're worth something and that Mr. V agrees.

Just my two cents. 

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  For you to get to the point where you are looking at changing the 'tapes" within you-----is a big turning point.
  I am realizing about codependency .. It is a way for us to stay "stuck" and always need s/one else to bail us out.
  It is a completely '"unworkable" solution to our problem of feeling pain inside us.
  I can see you,in my mind's eye. You are a beautiful person ,inside and out.You are gifted with intelligence, humor and creativity.
  The ONLY thing wrong with you is that you believed  lies. You( and I) were brainwashed. In order to be brainwashed, we had to have our trust in ourselves "bombed" out. Then, we were  ready to be programmed to hate ourselves and do do whatever our "masters"(N mothers) want.We had instructions,"Destroy yourself."We did .
  We were  brainwashed like cult members. Cult members can be perfectly intelligent people. After being in a cult, they  can kill themselves and wait for the flying saucers to take them away.
 I was brainwashed to a very 'scary" degree. . She turned me against myself.
 It is totally out of God's will for us to loathe ourselves.
  You( and I) have to come out from the "cult". It is very painful b/c we have to feel the pain that we pushed down. .
 We have to  reclaim what we were forced to "throw away---ourselves.My heart goes out to you .Lupita. You are in my thoughts and prayers .          Love to you , Ami

((((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

And another thing, Lupita....

I don't think God fired Dr. U.

I think Dr. U got himself fired for innapropriate behavior, displaying outright bigotry and picking on the wrong people... people who didn't just fold up and lose their voicess to him. 

You're one of the people strong enough to challenge him and call attention to his arrogant unprofessional misconduct.

You weren't the only 'prey' and he certainly stepped on the wrong toes, toes that weren't just yours. 

You were't his first prey and you won't be his last, either.

 Unless he learns his lesson.... I think he'll only get sneakier and more covert, honestly. 

Not your problem anymore though.

His being a hypocrite..... using a position of authority to hurt others..... is about him, not an entire group's spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof.

God didn't give him permission to hurt you....  God didn't fire him.

These things happen whenever people are involved, in all walks of life, not just to you.

Work on carrying yourself with more confidence.

Work on learning how to assert yourself appropriately.

Set your boundaries and learn how to defend them.

Just DOING those things will make you stronger, give you more of yourself and teach you.....

  you're stronger than you realize.

I'll quote what you wrote that made me think of the above......

"This time I guess that Mr. V helped me because the scolded the lady of the library, and Dr. U came to my classroom less often. So, I should be more fair with God, giving credit for the many good things that he does for me."


If I misread what you said, I'm sorry. 

Feel better.... all that talk about not being worth anything isn't true, btw.

You can say it..... but I'm not going to let it go by without thowing a red flag on the field: /

::toss::

[Hopalong]

I'm wondering if you can also feel any relief and joy at this news, Lupita?
Maybe you're just too overwhelmingly exhausted. It's been a real ordeal.

What hit me when I read your post was:

How wonderful! Lupita has just been vindicated in a big way, and she has seen that she DOES matter!
Some justice has been done!

I'm glad to hear this news.
It is right.

love
Hops

[Lupita]

Because there are things that I do not know. For example, still, despite that Dr. U is not tehre anymore, and nobody comes to my classroom to spy me anymore, still have to deal with rejection. The secretaries, one of them, is very rude. The social studies teacher, English teacher and Computer teacher. Plus, the librarian, the assistant principal, the K principal. All those totally dislike me. I have to deal with their rejection every single day. Elementary teachers are indifferent, which is good. The other people are indifferent and only chemestry teacher talks to me, and the custodios. Forth grade teacher is very nice and third grade teachers are very nice too. Middle school teachers are indifferent, one middle school teacher is the wife of the owrship leader, pianist and he wants my piano lessons for him, and the pastor wants and loves his worship leader and wants the piano lessons for him, but since I have the piano lessons, the middle school teacher wife of worship leader doe snot talk to me and looks at me in an ugly way. I mean, it is complicated, difficult, and defnitively it is better now with out Dr. U there harrassing me.
Still I feel very lonely.
Therapy, I do believe that I have more knowledge than that woman recommended by the pastor. I do not think is going to help and I am wasting the moeny 30.00 dollras that with so much pain and sacrifice I make.
I am going to try two more sessions and if I do not hear something that impresses me or does any impact on my thinking, I have to be convenced that she knows, I get better advises here for free than what she said. She said that she is going to teach me how to think positive. Let us see. How long I can pay for this.
I am willing to sacrifice my dance lessons for somebody who really shows me knowledge. Because I cannot pay both. In summary I was not impressed at all by this woman. Very primitive language. I have better voacbulary than her.
I am not being arrogant. Just realistic. And honest. I did not tell her, of course.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  IMO, the board is light years better than therapy. There is so much wisdom ,here.      Ami

[Lupita]

I know that the only thing I can do is the same I was doing when Dr. U was there. I have less fear now. But still, I have the uncomfort, the discomfort, the stomach ache of knowing the rejection of that group of people. I have to do the same. Work as hard as I can, do the best I can, love my students, demand respect, give a good example, come early, leave late, give more of my obligations, and at least the students will see that I am trying hard tehy will see, and the parents might see too that I am a good persona and an excellent teacher. Even if they do not see it, with the only fact that they would not bother me I would be very happy. So, if the only thing is that they ignore me, or do not say good morning or turn their heads away from me when they pas by me in the hall way, well, that I do not give a sh*t.
The secretary in the office is dangerous because she could and she has don in the past desrespect me in front of the students, but the next time that she talks to me in a rude way on front of a student I will tell her that she is rude.
I will go to the office as less as possible, and I will pray for them every day. Maybe if they see me working hard, they will sympathize with me. But I have always worked hard and these group of people never have sympatized with me. And wherever I go I am going to find people like that. As a minority ethnic person I am going to find always people who do not like me. No matter how much wonderful I am. So, I need to stop  trying and just to try to be positive and happy. "Happy" As if this was possible. I was programmed to be unhappy.
Ami makes sense. 

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  The Bible says that as a man thinketh in his heart(mind)---so is he.I am trying to have the "truth "about me in my mind. Then, I will BE those things. Then, the outside world will "work'. What does not work,I will have enough wisdom to "fix'(either act or ignore)
  You might be seeing slights where there are none. I, do not want to take away your reality. However, when we are in a  "bad' state of mind, the outside world seems bad. Maybe,you are being persecuted b/c weak people sense your insecurity and want to take advantage of you.
  I think that  healing the 'inside" will make the outside become clearer. I am so sorry that you are suffering. I did not have a fraction of the pain that you had and I am suffering,so I would not presume,at all, to judge you .
  I think that you are a "hero" to be so accomplished and to have come from such an "unspeakable" as your M. I am sorry if I am hurting you by saying this but I am just as angry at her as I am at mine (maybe more)
  How she treated you was UNSPEAKABLE. No animal in all creation would treat their young like that.
  You have a big mountain to climb. Just start facing little by little --- the pain. Write how you feel on the board. People will tell you if you are "off base" and you can make adjustments---little by little.
  Lupita----you are a remarkable person to be as strong and capable as you are------dear friend.
                               Love  Ami

(((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))

[Lupita]

Thank you Ami. The thing is that I still have stomach ache. I know now, I did not know it before, that it was not onl Dr. U against me. It was several people. I think the pastor is one of them. "Christians"
Social Studies teacer, K principal, English teacher, secretary in the office. Pastor gives me too many hugs. Not because he is inerested on me but because he wants to make other people notice me and become against me.
The next time that he gives me another hug I am going to tell him that please do not do it. Also I will walk away from him, I will avoid him. Same with social stuies teacher and K principal. English teacher I do not care. He is a brown nose and he sucks up so hard. So, he does not mean anything to me. He was sucking up to Dr. U and now he does not have him anymore. To me , anybody with high moral and intelligence will notice that he is a bad bad bad person.
Computer teacher is so arrogant that she just makes me laugh. I do not care about her.
My hope is that when they see that I just do my work and do not mess with anybody they might leave me alone. Plus I do not talk to them, I avoid them and I just smile if I do not have a choice, just smile, and say good morning if I have no choice, just smile and go away. Do my work and go to my classroom. I do not talk to anybody. Nobody. Anybody.
That will keep me safe. They are not good people. "Christians" Hypochristians.
I really want to stop going to church. I need a brake from churches. But as long as I work there I have to go to church. For now I am covered. The Lord helped me with this little job at this church where they needed a pianist. The job came just on time. That was God helping me. Took me out of my school church and provided me for entertaining, since I love to play, and a little money.
So, I have to be fair to the Lord. He did not abandone me. God has been very good to me. And I should be grateful. Grateful for the good things that are many. The problems at the school will disipate little by little. I will pray for that. And I need anyway a job in public shools where they pay more and they do not mind if you smoke or go to night clubs or if you do not want to go to church. I need that. Plus they have a union. I just need a place where they let me work in peace. The Lord will provide. Plus I want to work with younger children, high school is difficult. The Lord will help me. he just did this week.

[Lupita]

The thing is that Dr. U is not there anymore, but I still feel unwelcome. I am ot welcome anywhere. nobody keeps me. Nobody wants me. I am rejected everywhere.
Am I going to find my place?
Even where God provided the big dog (Ami, lol ) and protected me from a PhD and a group of bad people, I still feel afraid. God provided me with a wonderful entertaining that I love, just like that, I recieved a call that they needed a pianist in a methodist church for their Christmas cantata, that saved me from being at my school church, not only saved me from being at my school church, but provided a little money, very little, but very welcome, and for me, it is entertaining. Almost as good as my salsa lessons.
I need to be thankful. My reasoning, my brain tells me that I have to be thankful. My stomach tells me that I am afraid.
The few people who dislike me, will not be able to do anything this year. I hope.
Why am I constantly looking for the aproval of people who dislike me? I always do that. I find people who dislike me and I try so hard so hard to get them to like me. It is like an obsession.
I look for the eyes of these people, I receive the rejection, and my heart crys.
Not even kids do it. When I get mad at a student, the student knows that he has disrupted my class, the student knows that I am going to give him a look. The student avoids my eyes. And these are kids, just kids. I am 51 years old and I look for the eyes of the person who I know rejects me, and I espect a smile, and I know it is not going to happen. And I still look for those eyes. When I should turn my head the other way, and avoid the eyes, so I do not give them the pleasure to give me the ugly look.
I need to avoid those eyes. I need to not to need their smile. Their smile is not going ot happen. I know they have some hiden reasons to reject me and I cannot change them. The pastor is putting people against me. But te next time he gives me a hug in public I will tell him to please not to do it. I will simply avoid him, pretend that I do not see him. So, he will not have the opportunity to give me a hug. I am so happy i do not have to go to thst church. As soon as the cantata is over, I have to go back to that church. Hopefully they might like me and they might want to keep me.
I have to avoid those people. Social studies teacher, K principal, secretary number 1, and pastor. Those four.  If they do not notice my presence, they mgith forget me.
I have to be grateful. I do not need their smile. I do not need them, period. God will help me. God just showed me his myracles. God just protected me big time. I should not be afraid.
I have everything I need. Not everything I want, but everything I need. Even in the valley of darkness i shall not be afraid because his pastor rod is protecting me.
I have to froce my self to be grateful. God just gave me a graet manifestation of his mercy, and i am still afraid. Shame on me.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  The stomach ache is probably fear. It settles right in to the stomach.I want to ask you to consider s/thing. I know that most people do not want to entertain this b/c they think that it will hurt too badly. HOWEVER, your inner life is replaying all the time in your outer life so how much worse could you hurt than you already are?
  Get a book thst shows you how to contact your inner child. "Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul is my favorite.
   Lupita ,your mind is so "disordered' with pain from your childhood that it is hard for you to correctly discern the outside. I am NOT saying that this is not happening. I would never do that b/c I am not there and could never know. However,maybe the pastor is hugging you b/c he can see that you are hurting and you are interpreting it wrong. Maybe some of the people who "don't like' you are just having a bad ,personal day.
   Your "perceptions' may be oriiented to "people not liking you" when maybe they are just in their "own heads"
   Lupita---you are a beautiful person. Your only problem is faulty tapes.
   If a magic wand could change the tapes-----you would be confident, popular, happy and joyous. You HAVE to find the "magic wand" that will touch that deep place where you were programmed WRONG by your horrible mother.
   It is that SIMPLE--in theory. In practice ,those bad tapes you see as YOU. They are comfortable, even though they are miserable. They are your identity---even though it is torture.
  I will help you from the beginning to the end--if you want my help.               Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Lupita))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  It is NOT your fault that you are desperate for approval and afraid. It is not your fault at all. You were programmed in a faulty way. You were brainwashed. 
    You can heal. Honestly. It is NOT HOPELESS.
                                                         Love   Ami