Anesthetized.

[Lupita]

I am not imagining things Ami. I promise. Pastor dislikes me. When I went to him for the problems with Dr. U, his first question was, why you dont leave? I said, I am here by no accident. God called me to be here and minster to the kids. He only hugs me when he has big public. Like in front of the chapel, faculty meetings. He put me in the spot when I became a member and called Mr V to stand by me, but he did not call his wife, only him.
I dont know. Ami you just confused me very much. Pastor is a puppet in the hands of the powerful people of the church. Fortunately, the powerful people of the church are good people. The accountant of the school and Mr V. Pastor has to do whatever they tell him to do. Pastor makes one hundred thousand and I mahe 24 and I work much harder than him.
Maybe I just have to avoid him, because I cannot discern. Ami, that is true. I do not know who is enemy and who is not. I cannot discern. True.
I have to force my self to be thankful.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
     You are very insighful and talented. Inside you is a beautiful treasure---the real you--- the authentic "core" of you. You can mine it -like gold. Trust me. You can heal,Lupita. You can be whole.              Love   Ami

[Ami]

I am going out ,now. Write later,Lupita---if you want to. I KNOW that you can heal. You have seen me heal--right before your eyes---haven't you?
  It will be the same for you----Lupita.
  We are just in a 'hole" of false ideas about ourselves. It is so simple,but yet  hard.I will talk to you later,if you want     Love   Ami

[lighter]

"The secretary in the office is dangerous because she could and she has done in the past desrespect me in front of the students, but the next time that she talks to me in a rude way on front of a student I will tell her that she is rude. "

Eh.... if that secretary is rude to you again.... esp in front of students...... consider it an opportunity to practice some skills.

As follows:

Secretary:  Says something rude to Lupita in front of students....

Lupita:  Says, in a chipper amused manner...."What you said is very rude..... what exactly is your motivation for modeling such innapropriate behavior for the students?"

Then stand there and blink at her..... till she says something.  It will be difficult to explain her behavior and calling meanies on it is exactly what you should be doing, IMO.  You may remain professional and appropriate.... that's the important thing.

If she gets mean.... you can treat it the same way.....

Lupita's response to a snark:  "And there it is again...... puzzling." 

Then look puzzled and unruffled.... walk away shaking your head.

OR..... walk away saying that "perhaps Mr. V should provide some classes in manners for the faculty?" 

She wins if she manages to ruffle your feathers or get you to behave badly. 

You win if she looks like a complete idiot for her innapropriate unprofessional behavior.

The next time she does it..... insert the words Innapropriate and unprofessional so you don't have to think about what to say. 

She's all those things and I can't imagine what she'll say when asked to explain it.

Remember to stay unruffled. 


So far, their best efforts have gotten the head meanie kicked out, uncerimoniously, on his ass.  I guess they can get in line.  ::shrug::

As far as your arriving early and staying late, you don't have to do that to keep your job, imo.

It sounds like some of your angst is office politics, esp with the piano lessons?  Can you give an extra lesson, instead of arriving early or staying late?

Make someone happy with that time, as opposed to make the other teachers feel like you're kicking their asses in the classroom, lol?

Chat up the nice ones more and notice the meanies less?

[Lupita]

Well dear Light, those sound like wonderful ideas if I could execute them. I will try, that is ofr sure. I start tu understand Ami and you. I did not before. I start to understand now. It is difficult. I will try. But I will avoid them as much as I can.
My brain is very slow to react. I still get paralized. When someone gets me I get paralized. I wuld have to be alert all the time, that  impossible.

[Lupita]

I think what happens is that I am constantly dissociated. Out of here. That is why everybody catches me off guard all the time. My brain is away. And to bring it back takes time and too late to respond. Then I go home on shame, and start torturing my slef, why i did not say this of the other?
But it takes me days, several days to figure out what I should have said.

[lighter]

Maybe if you start journaling you won't be caught so off guard or become so upset and confused?

You can have your feeling and responses down pat, be at peace with them and really understand why and what is happening when it happens.

You don't have to remain so trapped in this spriral.

You can reverse it, get control of it, become very sure about how you feel and why so that no matter what anyone says you're capable of responding appropriately.

They try to upset you.

They transfer their agression to YOU bc they can and have been doing it successfully.

Stop thinking about them like they're omnipotent, Lup.

They're just scared unhappy little people who prolly had scary childhoods, just like you.

I guess they identified with the people who harmed them.... and so they behave like they did.... or not.

Doesn't matter, what matters is that you can get a handle on this and stop the pattern of becoming shocked or blindsided.

Journal for an hour, begin with yelling in that journal and raging.... rant then read it.

Write some more.

Read it.

Distill it down to it's lowest common denominators and you will be very aware of your true feelings about it.

They won't be able to tip you off balance any longer if you know your own mind and gain some confidence in those feelings.

((((Lupita)))  I wish you had someone to give you big hugs.  Cyber hugs aren't the same: /

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
 Remember when I would talk about wanting to be "real". When you are saying that you feel dissociated, you are talking about being "numb" or not "real. '
 When we have backgrounds like ours, we get "numb". Then ,we are like 'ghosts" going through our lives. We don't feel "real". We feel like we are in a fog or' "underwater".'
  It is "normal" for you to be like this after such a cruel upbringing. Anyone would be. You couldn't help it. The God given defense mechanism of denial kicked in so that you could survive.
  You accomplished so much when you have suffered so greatly.
  There is nothing wrong with you other than your conditioning.That is why you are "out of it" and don't react quickly.
   Lately, I have been noticing how paralzyed I am. I never really noticed it before. Certain situations trigger it. I just "freeze" inside and I feel like I am going in slow motion. Mainly,I can't think.
  This has to be part of our shutting down from trauma.
    Lupita, there are steps that you can take to heal. They will work and you can slowly get your sense of self back.It is buried---but not lost forever.All hope is not gone--even though it may feel that way.                  Love   Ami

[Lupita]

I wont need these people. I do not care for them, I do not need their smile, I do not need to look in their eyes. I just have to do my work. Just to do the best I can and that is it. I have to live as if they did not exist. To think they are naked. Look at them as if they were naked.

[lighter]

I'm worried about you giving up your dance lessons, quite frankly.