triangulating and N

[mighty mouse]

Hi All,

I was wondering if triangulation is a common tactic with Ns. When my Mom started getting the idea that I was rebelling (sounds like a teenager, ha) against her and not taking her covert destruction, she brought my NPD sister in to bring me in line.

My mom apparently didn't want to appear to be the "bad guy" and had my sister do her bidding. When I confronted her about this she said "oh' I've never had a problem with you".

It's interesting that she hasn't mentioned to any of my other brothers or sisters (I have many) that we aren't communicating. I guess she doesn't want them to know so she doesn't look bad. But just the fact that she was willing to sic my sick sister against me should confirm how much she values (or in this case, doesn't value) me.

Anyone else have an experience like this?

Mighty Mouse

[Anonymous]

Hi mm,

This is precisely what my dad did all the time and which had me real confused. He never disagrees with me, he is always the nice guy. But somehow the bad vibes seemed to come from behind a curtain- what my dad called "your mom".

He would say stuff like 'it is ok for you.. I will do anything for you " but then there was the catch..
" but your mom.. she is suffering, she loves you don't you take it slow for her sake.. after all she is a woman, they are like that, sad isn't it ? "

and then he would ask her " isnt that so" " you are selfish.. where is your motherly instincts" etc

The reality that my mom never gave her own version of what she felt ( she was very selfish and saving herself only and didnt care about me aswell ) had me believed for long that it was actually my mom who was like that

Dad and his tactics  

spirit

[mighty mouse]

Hi Spirit,

It's interesting that you say that about your Dad. I had the reverse situation with my Mom always trying to convince us that my Dad was a bastard. I didn't catch on to my Mom until my Dad passed and saw that she denied all of my siblings and I a real relationship with my Dad.

And she always blamed us for not being closer to him. She is a very covert N and it's too bad that she led all of us astray for so long. It makes me angry. And of course now she canonizes my Dad which makes me want to toss my cookies.

Might Mouse

[Anonymous]

She is a very covert N and it's too bad that she led all of us astray for so long. It makes me angry.

Hi mighty mouse,

I have this habit of talking only about one of my parents in a reply which is why I didn't have the energy to include much about my mom there  

As you say my mom is very covert too. For long I took her word about my dad and the world as 'the final word of truth'

It along with my dad antics were one of the reasos I kind of rejected my dad from the begening. To be fair.. it took me 25 yrs to realise that she is not a paragonm of truth.. but far from it.

The problem is these two have formed an unholy alliance and will do anything to keep 'family secrets' secrets... at whos expense ? mine

Thats the main problem in any abusive family isnt it ? Parents instead of taking care of their children use them instead to win their own mini battles.

I think the best way to see for yourself what is 'truth ' is to understand that these people are often talking about themselves all the time and not about the other partner and certainly not you when they start a sentence with ' you are.. ' or ' your mom is .. " or " your dad says.. " etc etc

spirit

[Jaded911]

Hi mighty mouse,

Cool name!  

Um, when most N feel backed in a corner, they seek outside resources.  It appears to me that you might have gotten the best of mom and she drug in the outside resources (sister) to line you up.

Funny how most N run to the nearest corner to coward when someone calls them up to the plate.  Get some satisfaction in knowing that you put mom into a tail spin.  She had to drag someone in to help put you in line.  Wink, you get down with your bad self!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Mighty Mouse --

My mother likes nothing better than sitting around talking about herself and other people, saying things about them she will never say to their face.  I used to participate until I realized that it was all about making those doing the talking feel good about themselves by sharing the discussion of someone else's problems -- a version of "we're okay, they're not okay". It's also a neat way to avoid confronting the issues that exist between the people actually present in the room -- so much more comfortable to talk about how someone else's life is screwed up.

She has also used various people in the family to try to manipulate others to get her way. I won't do it any more, and she has pretty much stopped trying to use me that way.

Morgan

[mighty mouse]

Morgan,

Oh my Gosh...maybe we have the same NMom!!!! My Mom is so good at this....our family is the greatest and everybody else is crapola.

I too can see how my Mom has used me in this way through the years and now it kind of makes me sad. But like you, I won't let it happen anymore. I actually told my sister that she was being used and to quit pandering to my Mom, but alas, Sis has full blown NPD so it fell on deaf ears. Man, I'm glad I live 2,000 miles aways from that lot.

And Jaded,

I WILL get down with my bad self!!!!LOL thank you VERY much!

MM