Holiday Dread

[sunblue]

Well, it's that time again.  Halloween decorations are down and that means preparation begins for the "big" holidays---Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Along with the traditional shopping, baking and gift wrapping comes that special type of dread that those on the receiving end of Ns know so well.

I keep getting hit with reminders of all the "family loss" I have.  All those family activities, commercials and events that are advertised at this time of year doesn't help.

This has been an absolutely horrible year for me....a year filled with loss and rejection.  For some reason, I keep getting hit with reminders of this.

Today, my reminder came in the form of a benign story told to me by my young niece.  She was excited about her weekend plans where she and her mom and dad took a short road trop to a popular state attraction to enjoy the fall colors and events.  It hit me hard because just two months ago, I planned a whole trip to this very spot.  I created a special invitation, made reservations, planned it all out and make the surprise invitation special for my niece and her parents.  But alas, my "healthy" brother refused to go so I had to cancel the whole thing.  (He claims he felt uncomfortable by my gesture and no matter how I tried to negotiate it, he refused.)  So today, I hear about what a gream time they all had at the very place I planned a nice weekend away, a mini-vacation I desperately needed because of the year I've had.

Now, with Thanksgiving just 3 weeks ago, I have this huge pit in my stomach.  I think it's because this year I've realized that in addition to distancing himself from my Nparents, he is doing the same thing to me.  I'm left to be this item on a check list where he feels obligated to check on me every once in a while.  Just like I was an item on a grocery list.  He does the same with my Nmom.  Every week, he makes a five minute phone call to her just to check in.  But on Thanksgiving, my brother and his family host dinner.  Because my sick N parents spend all their time (including holidays) with my Nsister, I am the only member of his family there.  So it's me and about 18 other people, all of whom are from my sister-in-law's family.  To say I feel out of place there is an understatement.

Now hosting this holiday is important to my bro.  My bro likes to have certain activities such as this holiday to provide a superficial semblance of family, largely for my niece's sake, I think.  But I guess I'm feeling that if you don't care enough about me to spend any real time during the course of the year, particularly when I really need it because I am alone and have had a very tough year, then what's the point of sitting around a Thanksgiving table?

I've been thinking that this year I will "call in sick" to his Thanksgiving holiday and just stay home and watch some movies and such.  My heart aches from the realizations I've made this year, particularly as it pertains to my brother.  It just hurts.  I feel rejected.  And believe me, I don't need any more rejection.  All year has been one big rejection as I continue to get turned down for job after job that I interview for.  I am extremely depressed and hurt.

I am so dreading these holidays.  I wish I could crawl in a hole.  I wish I could sleep them away.  I wish I could find a way to forget that not one person, especially not one person in my family, cares about me.  I wish there was a pill I could take that would erase all the memories I have of the rejection and betrayal my family and everyone else has heaped on me. 

I'm sorry for venting about this.  Today's conversation was just such a trigger.  I've had a lot of job rejections lately and that hasn't helped either.  My brother's treatment of me really hurts.  I always thought we had a somewhat close relationship.  Perhaps because I so desperately wanted that.  The truth is the only people he really cares about are his wife and daughter.  If I play any role in his life, it is a very fleeting and superficial one.  It hurts when the person you want a close relationship with doesn't want one back.....and that it will never change.  I don't want to be just that person that has a seat at the Thanksgiving table.  I want my brother to want to spend time with me, apart from his family and separate from those obligatory "family" occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthdays.

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
   Don't apologize for sharing your feelings. That is what the board is for(as I see it, anyway)
  For me, I want to face the truth of my life( even IF it is "bad'). If not, we are in denial.
  One thing that my former cop b/f used to say that he was healthy b/c he did not lie to himself. I did lie to myself and I still do.
   I have not really faced what my H is like ,yet. I really cannot force myslef to come out of denial any faster than my mind can handle.
     Sun,I think that you are facing the 'truth" about your B. I agree with you about Thanksgiving.
    Maybe,you are holding on to a relationship with your B and you are doing all the holding. Maybe, you are strong enough to face it,now.
  I ,always ,feel "less than" when I see people gather together with family around the holidays. i wonder how much of the "happy family" that I see in others is another N delusion from my M. I really wonder. I thought that my. friend had a big ,close family. As I got closer--OUCH. There is a lot of pain, there.
  When I would visit friends from college, I could feel the 'sickness" in the families that I visited. I have lived with N thoughts for so long that I really don't kNOW what is real and what is fantasy. I guess as I heal,it will become clearer. I HOPE so.
  I think that you are in better place than when you came on the board. You could not have faced the relationship with your B as clearly then as you are now. I am sorry for all the hurt, Sun  Love   Ami


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[isittoolate]

I really feel badly for anyone who dreads the Holidays.

Somewhere along the way I began to dislike Holidays and then dislike turned to hate , then hate turned indifference, then indifferemce turned to barely remembering they are here. That is where I have been for about 5 years so dread is no longer an issue.

I have a big red glass ball that is a celing hanger and received it in 2002--it is still in the same place and has been there since first hung. It is no longer Xmasy to me.

I also have 2 Xmas suncatchers hanging, one on each of two living room lamp shades and they have been there for a few years too--all year round.

I have a door hanger of that dumb Sesame Frog but he is called Mistle-Toad. I put him on my door because my apt. neighbours have something on theirs.

I no longer have anyone with whom to exchange gifts, so I don't think about Xmas

Halloween cannot take place in a high rise (leaving children on their own)

Easter means fattening chocolate, or hard boiled eggs that I would rather have as egg salad.

New Years STILL makes me think of Joe and how we had Chinese Food and Wine, at midnight!

Love
Izzy

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[vita]

Sorry to hear you are down and depressed about the holidays and that it's been a bad year for you.  I know the feeling.  Also sorry to hear that it seems that your brother is distancing himself from you.  The vacation story would make me feel sad too.

So, what can you do to lighten your down feelings?  What can you do for yourself to make yourself feel better?  For me, I got out of my depression by forcing myself to figure out what I can do to change things or do things so that I feel better, like exercise, take a walk, a hot shower, watch movies, etc.  These are small things, but when a person is down and depressed, even doing small things to make ourselves feel better is so important.  So, why not do something nice for yourself?

How about thinking of the holidays like this:  In less than 2 months, it will be a new year:  a new begining, an invitation to change and improve our lives, a chance to start over, to be reborn.  Perhaps you can re-evaluate things in your life, like your relationship with your brother.  Sorry if this is too blunt, but it sounds like he's pulling away.   Perhaps he's pulling away because he feels like you are trying too hard to be close, I'm only guessing.  Perhaps if you pull back a little, he will make more efforts towards you.   But even if he doesn't, you will still be OK.  You can work on your own projects, develop your own hobbies and your own interests.  Perhaps take a class and learn a new skill.  You can take the energy which you were using to focus on your niece and brother ( like the vacation) and put that energy into you. You can work on you.

I tune out that part of the holiday season that I hate, the syrupy sweet family portraits which I think are only Hollywood fiction.  I think for most people the reality is a dysfunctional family Christmas.  I focus on what I enjoy about the holidays, the lovely music and decorations {not the garish ones] and the crisp cold weather.

HTH

[lighter]

I identify with your dread, blue.

I also don't necessarily blame your brother from distancing himself so well from all that is his parents.

You're part of that household..... even if you aren't like them.

He must see you as part of them.

Can you sit down and honestly give that some thought?

Maybe he's not as healthy as you thought.

Maybe you've been a part of some struggles you didn't think he identified you with?

Maybe you've made him feel shame over abandoning you with them?

Maybe it's nothing to do with you at all but I'd like you to gain some clarity on this and not just withdrawl from him.

Do you want him to call and be concerned that you aren't there?

Do you want him to show up and get you?

Do you want him to just let you go without a struggle?

Do you really just need a break from that Holiday and desire the down time?

I don't know or suspect the answers to any of those questions.

But I want you to KNOW the answers and I want you to get more of what you want and need.

If your brother really is a healthy family member you'd like to spend more time with, then don't start creating even more distance than there already is, KWIM?

If you're hurt over this distance...... you can work on reducing that distance... or not.

I'd prefer that you sit down and journal everything you feel, think and fear about this.

Read it.

Go back and write for another hour.

Read it.

Go back and write for another hour. 

Distill it down to the facts and be clear on what they are.

If you still have doubts or worries...... you'll most likely have it clear enough in your head that you can talk to your brother about it with calm clarity.

I do hope you find a way out of your parents house, for your own sanity.

I think it might bring you and your brother closer if he's not associating you with them..... though I could be wrong.

Whatever you do..... please don't skip that Thanksgiving dinner...... if you don't want to. 

[Ami]

Dear Vita,
  You have so much wisdom in your post--simple wisdom. Thank you.One day,I forced myself to do simple ,nice things like that for myself and I felt so much better.
   Keep sharing and welcome, Vita                  Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Amber, I have to get ready for work but I want to thank you for this vision of the best possible way to get through the holidays.
Your Tgiving feast and Xmas trip fantasy is EXACTLY what I daydream about every year. After Mom passes away, I'll do it. (My D does not do Xmas.)

I find the whole thing so horribly invasive and oppressive and all I've wanted in recent years is peace on earth, one candle lit, and that's enough.

xo
Hops

[tayana]

I really wish I could respond to this thread with some sort of advice, but I can't since I dread the holidays too.  I'm going to my brother's for Thanksgiving, and I'm really nervous about it because I don't know how that will turn out.  I'm afraid of seeing my parents, but I promised I would go. 

I'm even more nervous about Christmas.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been big affairs in my family.  Everyone goes to my mom's, even though there's only six of us.  Everyone tries to outdo on gifts and food.  There's all sorts of backbiting comments, like last year when my mother complained right after she opened it about the gift I'd made for her.

This year, I haven't even wanted to think about gifts, decorations, or anything else.  I'd love to just go away and forget about the whole thing.  I've had that fantasy for a few years now, especially at Thanksgiving.

[betr4]

Sunblue,
I know how painful it can be too.
I am sorry you are in that situation..
I found a support group and started my own tradition with them.  AT Thanksgiving I was no longer alone.
The the nh took over after joing the same group and I was out for 3 years.
This year I am going back turkey and all.  I am looking forward to it.
When I was alone, it didn't sound like fun to have holidays without family.
All I can say is it was not at all like I thought it would be.
Being alone was too painful after years of family dinners and events. 
I had to find where I belonged and I am grateful to be going again.
The food is great too!  and we even have a raffle! and sometimes I win!
Thanks, BR

[sunblue]

Thank you all for responding and allowing me to vent.  I will be honest and say right now I am in a very depressed state so my vent probably reflected that.

Shunned:

I just loved your idea about the "beach" Christmas tree.  In my family, I was always the big Christmas person.  I have an extensive collection of Christmas decorations and ornaments, including a set that is all beach related.  As I traveled to different places ( I love the beach so I often traveled to warm weather climates), I would pick up an ornament or two so the collection is also a reminder of those travels.  I have to live with my parents right now due to my current financial situation, so I decorate the house, inside and outside.  I do it mostly for myself since my Nparents never appreciate anything I do and no one else, my Nsister included, would ever lift a finger to do it.  I can't really do many things for myself this holiday since I'm not in a position to do that.  It's the time of year I wish I had friends but I don't at this time.  but I usually run those movies which are my favorites and watch them. 

Lighter:

Thank you for your comments as well.  You made some good points.  I did just want to further clarify my intention regarding my brother and Thanksgiving.  I don't consider myself a manipulative person so I'm not trying to play any games about not showing up for Thanksgiving.  I don't want him to come and get me.  I don't want him to call me and see if I'm okay.  I don't want him to worry about what's wrong.  This isn't a play for sympathy or anything.  Instead, there are a couple of key reasons that at least for now, I'm thinking of taking a pass on the dinner.  First, I am seriously and clinically depressed.  I have been all my life but at this particular time because of my financial and job situation and other things, the depression is at an all time low.  Being around all these people who are at good places in their lives and who will immediately question me about why I haven't found a job yet would, frankly, be difficult for me to deal with when at the end of my rope.  Second, the truth is I am really, really hurt by my brother's behavior.  Moreover, I also know he doesn't "get" why I would be so hurt.  He thinks he has done nothing wrong because he doesn't understand my point of view.  He has everything he wants in this world (except, as with me, loving, non-N parents).  So, I guess I just don't know how to be there and intereact and pretend I don't feel betrayed and hurt by the fact that it doesn't matter to him.  I also realize that this scenario triggers my reality with people in general.  My feelings and need to spend time with them is never reciprocated.  So I always feel rejected and alone.  It just has hit me like a ton of bricks that this time it is my brother.  He was the only person I had left and it really hurts that he doesn't want a close relationship to me.  So because of these two main reasons, I just thought it would be better for me to stay home, watch some movies, cry through my depression and deal with the loss the best way I can.  Unlike my Nmom and Nsister, I don't want to manipulate anyone.  By the way, this summer when I was feeling really bad, I told him that what I most needed was for him to spend a little more time with me.  He acknowledged that over the last few years he hadn't spent that much time with me which he attributed to a new job he had.  I didn't buy it.  He has time for everything else.  In my view, if you truly care about someone, you make the time.  So I feel that he doesn't want to make the time and that is what really hurts.   Right now, I am stuck in a hopeless situation.  Despite all my effots I can't seem to find a job which means I can't move from my parents.  It is all kind of a vicious circle.  Right now, I could just use some hope and more than a little luck.

Vita:

You are right.  The Hallmark version of family just doesn't exist.  Although, I wish I had a family like the one portrayed on that TV show, "Brothers and Sisters".  THey fight and argue and disagree but at the end of the day, they are always there for each other in time of need.  To me, that's a more realistic version of family although obviously FAR, FAR from my own reality, and I'm sure the reality of most people here.

IsItTooLate:

I'm so sorry that you're not able to enjoy the holidays anymore.  I so feel for you.  Holidays have the potential for providing such nice times and I wish you had the opportunity for good holiday memories.  Even when I lived alone, I would decorate the little place just to cheer myself up.  It is an overwhelming time of year, especially for those with depression and sadness, so you have to do whatever you can to get yourself through.

Ami:

Thank you for your support.  I can appreciate your comments about being in denial.  Maybe I am.  I don't know.  It just seems that whenever I make this big realization or a "breakthrough" as some therapists call it, it is always a negative.  It always means yet another loss.  I just can't take any more losses.  I have lost everything and am desperately trying to hold on.  I do think the holidays reinforce the realities of your family, whether that is good or bad.  I think it would be easier if I had my own family to start my own traditions with.  It would kind of takes your mind off of how disappointing your own family is.  Unfortunately, I don't have that option.  Thank you again for your support!!

[tayana]

Amber:

Tay: the real kicker for me, is that my mom is now sending me back all the presents I made or gave her over the years.

Oh, my mom is giving me back all the things I gave her now for gifts.  I got jewelry I'd given her for my birthday because she didn't feel like going out.

And she's asked for things she gave me back.  Don't understand that one . . .

[Leah]

author=Shunned link=topic=6056.msg97767#msg97767 date=1194365164]

Tay: the real kicker for me, is that my mom is now sending me back all the presents I made or gave her over the years.

Gift cards are a good thing!!

All that have received gifts from me over the years have commented on my thoughtful selection process in gift giving.  Love carefully choosing presents and small 'thank you' gifts, truly is a genuine pleasure.

Some years ago, during a visit to my NSister and BIL (at the time NM had shut me out, along with my Brother) and imagine my surprise when been shown around their new home to see on display ....... items that had been my Christmas and or Birthday gift to my NM 

Well, my expression was such that my BIL asked if I was feeling alright - and so I told him.  My BIL was  clearly shocked ......

....... but my NSister laughed.

At the time, the whole scenario felt very much like a 'twilight zone' experience. 

Love, Leah


PS ..... RE: why limit yourself to the Charles Dicken's vision of what the holidays "should" be?  .....

...... "Humbug" to the image of a Dickensian rosy fire and hearty happy family Christmas 

True happy family life; is of genuine selfless love, kindness and support and should be all year round - not just on the one big day of the year!

[sunblue]

Christmas presents seem to be a symbol of something for Ns given the stories here.  In my dysfunctional family, my Nmom and co-dad were very generous in the gift-giving department.  Of course, my Nmom would buy the gifts SHE liked or were in HER taste.  Even to this day she'll buy a clothes item for someone that she would wear.  When I point out that the gift recipient doesn't like that style or such, her curt response is, "It's my money and I'm going to buy what I want."  Not exactly a great gift giving attitude.  But of course gift giving is about thinking of the OTHER person.  Ns are incapable of this.  They are much too selfish.  My Nmom has also always refused to buy my niece toys.  She thinks they're silly and a waste.  Instead, she buys my niece clothes in the style my Nmom likes. 

My Nsister who is just, well, extreme in every N respect always made herself the center of attention at holidays.  Because she makes a lot of money, she would just lavish my Nmom with gifts at Christmas....ridiculous things with ridiculous price tags.  My Nmom would of course go on and on about how beautiful they were, but after the holidays return as many as she could to get the money.  Money and material possessions are so critical to the identities of my Nmom and Nsis. 

Ironically, when it came to myelf and my brother and his family, my Nsister would never purchase appropriate gifts.  She would buy really silly, childish gifts for me and she would buy gifts for my sister-in-law that were equally inappropriate.  My Nsister really resented my sister-in-law and was very condescending to her, as she was to me.

Because of some really hateful things my Nsis did to my brother and myself, we no longer have anything to do with her, not for over 10 years really.  So we no longer see her on holidays.  Just fine with me since she is incredibly evil and damaging.   However, over the last few years, out of the blue, my Nsis will send me birthday gifts (I have a December birthday) or Christmas gifts.  She is incapable of communicating with my brother or I in any adult manner so she thinks if she just sends a gift, all will be forgiven and fine.  My Nparents of course just can't understand why the presents don't cure anything.  They view my sister's gifts as a gesture and indication she wants to resolve everything.  (She never sends anything to my brother or his family whom she disowned completely 11 years ago so in my book, she doesn't want to "resolve" anything.)  I have repeatedly told my parents that if she really wanted to reconcile with my brother and I, and I'm not sure that is possible, the very first step would be to communicate, to talk.  Presents don't come into the picture and wouldn't for a very long time.

At any rate, the last couple of times my Nsis sent me Xmas presents out of the blue presented interesting scenarios.  Of course, I didn't want the presents and had no intention of keeping them.  I didn't want to encourage my evil sis in any way or make her think everything was ok.  So I didn't open the gifts and intended to send them back with a short but civil note in which I acknowledge the gift but tell her that given the circumstances I did not feel comfortable accepting that.  Well, before I could do that, my Nmom literally flew into a screaching tirade and screamed at me, "I WILL NOT allow you to hurt her."  She directed my dutiful, co-dependent dad to rip the gifts out of my hands at which point she tore open the wrapping paper, took the items out and stored them somewhere.  It was sickening.  Disgusting to witness and be a part of.  I realized that the only person my sick, Nmom cared about was my equally sick Nsis. 

Ahhh, so Christmas gifts are a weird topic in my N family.  I think the Ns in my family believe expensive gifts can fix all problems.  My Nsister disowned my brother and his entire family, ruined his wedding, wrote hateful letters, and demanded all my parents' time and attention which she has finally gotten.  She destroyed my family with my parent's support.  So the last thing I want is some gift from her. 

For Ns, the gift giving is always about them, never about the recipient.  It's about showing off their money or generosity or cleverness.  My Nsister would quite literally sit herself in the center of the room during the gift giving at Christmas while everyone surrounded her.  That image just strikes me now.  Both she and my Nmom act like a queen on a throne.  It's so hard to rid yourself of images like the one I described about my mom ripping gifts out of my hands.  It's so obvious she cares nothing about me.

As for me, I have always been known in the family for being very generous with gifts but putting lots of thought into finding gifts that delight the recipient.  I truly try to think of the other person.  But I also now realize that part of all the effort and money I put into the gift giving process has something to do with the fact that I feel that if I make them happy, they will like me or return some of my feelings.

I think the gift giving processes in Nfamilies say a lot about the individuals.  I still enjoy shopping for my niece and his family...but it's difficult for me to put any heart in the ones I get for my parents.  Especially when I know they continue to choose to spend the holidays with my Nsis.  It's all kind of superficial.

[BonesMS]

Holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas have a lot of painful memories for me.  Dealing with Narcissistic Rage-aholics, especially when they got intoxicated, was a nightmare!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
  I can feel that you might be angry at me for mentioning about denial. It is O.K. for you to be angry.I had trepidation when I said it.I "knew' that it was not a "warm fuzzy", so so speak.
  I have been on the board for a year. That is a year of people's wisdom, love and experience. You just got on. When I first got on the board,I could not face the truth of my life very well. I still really can't that well. However, I  ,now, realize that the key to healing is facing the truth-- no matter how bad it is. We can only face the truth a little at a time ,though.
 I know that I gave a painful opinion,but I did it b/c I wanted to offer the best experience that I had to you.
  Also, I could be mistaken about the whole situation. I am very sorry for the pain you are going through.It is real and it is horrible. You were treated horribly by your parents. Your B seems to be trying to "save his own" life by distancing from everyone in the family. You are being hurt  by the family dysfunction.
  As long as you keep sharing your feelings, you will reclaim your life(IMO). Sun, share whatever is on your heart.There is no time table for healing or for grieving.
                              Love  Ami

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