Thank you all for responding and allowing me to vent. I will be honest and say right now I am in a very depressed state so my vent probably reflected that.
Shunned:
I just loved your idea about the "beach" Christmas tree. In my family, I was always the big Christmas person. I have an extensive collection of Christmas decorations and ornaments, including a set that is all beach related. As I traveled to different places ( I love the beach so I often traveled to warm weather climates), I would pick up an ornament or two so the collection is also a reminder of those travels. I have to live with my parents right now due to my current financial situation, so I decorate the house, inside and outside. I do it mostly for myself since my Nparents never appreciate anything I do and no one else, my Nsister included, would ever lift a finger to do it. I can't really do many things for myself this holiday since I'm not in a position to do that. It's the time of year I wish I had friends but I don't at this time. but I usually run those movies which are my favorites and watch them.
Lighter:
Thank you for your comments as well. You made some good points. I did just want to further clarify my intention regarding my brother and Thanksgiving. I don't consider myself a manipulative person so I'm not trying to play any games about not showing up for Thanksgiving. I don't want him to come and get me. I don't want him to call me and see if I'm okay. I don't want him to worry about what's wrong. This isn't a play for sympathy or anything. Instead, there are a couple of key reasons that at least for now, I'm thinking of taking a pass on the dinner. First, I am seriously and clinically depressed. I have been all my life but at this particular time because of my financial and job situation and other things, the depression is at an all time low. Being around all these people who are at good places in their lives and who will immediately question me about why I haven't found a job yet would, frankly, be difficult for me to deal with when at the end of my rope. Second, the truth is I am really, really hurt by my brother's behavior. Moreover, I also know he doesn't "get" why I would be so hurt. He thinks he has done nothing wrong because he doesn't understand my point of view. He has everything he wants in this world (except, as with me, loving, non-N parents). So, I guess I just don't know how to be there and intereact and pretend I don't feel betrayed and hurt by the fact that it doesn't matter to him. I also realize that this scenario triggers my reality with people in general. My feelings and need to spend time with them is never reciprocated. So I always feel rejected and alone. It just has hit me like a ton of bricks that this time it is my brother. He was the only person I had left and it really hurts that he doesn't want a close relationship to me. So because of these two main reasons, I just thought it would be better for me to stay home, watch some movies, cry through my depression and deal with the loss the best way I can. Unlike my Nmom and Nsister, I don't want to manipulate anyone. By the way, this summer when I was feeling really bad, I told him that what I most needed was for him to spend a little more time with me. He acknowledged that over the last few years he hadn't spent that much time with me which he attributed to a new job he had. I didn't buy it. He has time for everything else. In my view, if you truly care about someone, you make the time. So I feel that he doesn't want to make the time and that is what really hurts. Right now, I am stuck in a hopeless situation. Despite all my effots I can't seem to find a job which means I can't move from my parents. It is all kind of a vicious circle. Right now, I could just use some hope and more than a little luck.
Vita:
You are right. The Hallmark version of family just doesn't exist. Although, I wish I had a family like the one portrayed on that TV show, "Brothers and Sisters". THey fight and argue and disagree but at the end of the day, they are always there for each other in time of need. To me, that's a more realistic version of family although obviously FAR, FAR from my own reality, and I'm sure the reality of most people here.
IsItTooLate:
I'm so sorry that you're not able to enjoy the holidays anymore. I so feel for you. Holidays have the potential for providing such nice times and I wish you had the opportunity for good holiday memories. Even when I lived alone, I would decorate the little place just to cheer myself up. It is an overwhelming time of year, especially for those with depression and sadness, so you have to do whatever you can to get yourself through.
Ami:
Thank you for your support. I can appreciate your comments about being in denial. Maybe I am. I don't know. It just seems that whenever I make this big realization or a "breakthrough" as some therapists call it, it is always a negative. It always means yet another loss. I just can't take any more losses. I have lost everything and am desperately trying to hold on. I do think the holidays reinforce the realities of your family, whether that is good or bad. I think it would be easier if I had my own family to start my own traditions with. It would kind of takes your mind off of how disappointing your own family is. Unfortunately, I don't have that option. Thank you again for your support!!