Breaking a cycle

[betr4]

Stepping out of the caretaker role yesterday has left me in yet another unfamiliar place emotionally.  I don't yet know how I even feel.

My relationships with my daughter and husband have become very limited and distant.  I was pretty much the target for their resentment and use.  Staying away from those interactions with them has left not much of a relationship with either.  My daughter is grown with a husband and 2 children. 

I was expected to be there everytime they decided to "let" me in their lives for their purpose.
Otherwise I did not hear from either of them for days, weeks, or months.  I would initiate contact with them and they were always unavailable to me.  Until I could do something on the spur of the moment for them and I would drop what I was doing and do it.  Years and my life and sanity went by.

I have gotten stronger and also have seen how hurtful and painful it was for me to be treated that way.  I am left out of both of their lives and the only time we are together is when they reappear.  I am not allowed in their worlds of friends and family.  So I would let them in starved for their company and love.

I am the wife and mother, daughter and sister.  My foo is becoming a distant memory. 
My daughter shuts me out and ignores me.  My h has completely g one into a silent rage.  I no longer let him come and go at will.  He uses guilt and shame, anger and retaliates because he cannot control and use me. 

I know now that their outward anger is hard to go through. But not letting myself be used yesterday demonstrates to me that all the years I gave in to their demands, trying to do the right thing was worse than standing up and taking care of me.  I feel better about taking care of myself and my own choices and if they don't like it, like one counsellor told me, they are mad anyway so what difference does it make.  They go away anyway, so.  And that is the truth.

I could not control them into my world.  They came and went at their own will.  Not anymore.  I am happy (feeling) that I did what I needed to do yesterday.  I have myself and for now I need to take care of me.  I do have to say that I did allow them to treat me that way for years.  Like I've heard it said, we train others how to treat us. 

I am glad to be changing behaviors, I am sad about being separated from my family.  But I cannot, and live with myself use the old behaviors and live in the past.

BR

[lighter]

And so.....

whatever in the world will you replace your old life with?

It's interesting to dream about possibilities you never thought you'd dream about.

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
  I know that you are very sad,right now. It is a death of hopes and dreams. We learned such screwy expectations of people in our FOO. We really did.
  I wish that s/one would have told me the truth about life, particularly codependence. I had to learn that lesson, sadly, on my own.
  I am trying to see life with my own eyes and not the eyes of my M. It is really hard. I thought if I loved and cared for my family, then they would love and care for me. .It just didn't  work.
  Maybe, any "form" of codependence just does not work.I have had times in my life when I was NOT codependent and I was happy within myself. I am trying to get "back" to that.          Love   Ami
 
(((((((((((((((Betsy))))))))))))))

[betr4]

Lighter, I love the question.  I know I replace old behaviors. I have worked hard in recovery.   And I live life and am very active and involved.  But the catch is that for 33 years I have done what I do and stayed in the marriage or stayed attached to it.  I can't quite understand if that is what it is supposed to be.  Having support and companionship along the way would have been and would be nice.  I lived and survived in spite of the marriage is what I think.  So it is all I know.  I do have the awareness that a supportive, loving relationship with a husband in life would be wonderful, but would I know how to be in that kind of relationship? 

Ami,
Your wisdom and understanding really click with me.  I always say that I never knew life was like this.  That noone every told me it would be this way. 
I know I can't fix everyone to fit my needs.  I am learning to put myself where I need to be and work through difficult situations in a healthier way. 
Getting past grief is making life more liveable and allowing me to be more open to enjoying it.
Thanks, BR